1 Corinthians 10:13

I wrote this last night, and then deleted it, deciding it was too personal for the blog. At prompting from Michael, however, I reconsidered. Please remember that it was written late at night, a culmination of every fear and thought pressing on a mother's heart--I am sincerely sorry if I offend anyone. --Andie

--“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it”--1 Corinthians 10:13 (New International Version)

Maybe I am completely misusing that verse to suit my purpose and point here; who knows--I will ask Michael when he wakes up in the morning. As it is, it is nearing midnight and I am completely unable to sleep. Blame pregnancy, hormones, stress, or Mike's fajita dinner that left me with wretched heartburn, but I am skulking about the Internet for something to do.

I have been feeling rather helpless lately.

Before, when we were meeting with all the specialists and everything, I felt like we were getting things done, ruling things out, moving forward. When we were handed the diagnosis and told to keep doing what we had been doing...it felt like everything kind of halted, hesitated. I don't know what I had been expecting, but hearing that there really wasn't that much more that we could do other than continuing as we have been for the last year...it was a little frustrating. Getting in there and fixing the problem is my general MO, not patiently waiting and leaving it up to God and to fate.

Which admittedly, is what I am logically supposed to do, but how much easier said is that than done?

Many things that have been happening have left me feeling impotent.

In the past, any concerns or even mild discrepancies in behavior, I have unthinkingly brought them to the Early Childhood Intervention specialists that I have gotten to know so well or have called the nurse or doctor to have them give their opinions over the matter. My philosophy has always been that it is better to ask than to stay silent and worry. Now, I suspiciously hoard every tidbit of information, apprehensive of sharing even the most innocuous of details regarding my children.

Why? What am I afraid will happen? That they may look at this information and find another white rabbit for me and Michael to chase? Or that we may be given even more to try, more to work on; another thing that puts us even further from our substandard but oh-so-monumental goal of "normalcy"?

I am more stingy with my children than ever before, too. Though I know the benefits she will have at Head Start, though I know that I have to send her to school eventually and that the time away will be good for me, that she will be just fine...though I can reasonably assert these things, I do not want Emerald to leave me. I want her here where I can see her and hold her and protect her. My paranoia over their safety has increased ten-fold, and I have to fight myself to leave them even for short bursts of time.

Tonight, I tried to join a social forum of mothers that have children with similar diagnoses as my Gabriel. (I balk at using the word "disability", which seems so vulgar and repugnant to me). I read their stories and listened to their difficulties, hoping to find camaraderie and reassurance, but I rebelled at linking my child with theirs. While their children are beautiful sons and daughters of God, my Gabriel is special, he is something unique...I refuse to allow a single frightening, inoffensive, intangible word define who he is; but that's what it is becoming.

Some days, I manage to forget. Our time melds from one day into the next and we feel like a perfectly average family, content in our lives and making it by. Then without fail, something always happens to bring me back to reality, to revert me into that scared, powerless little girl that doesn’t know where to go next.

Without provocation, at times Gabriel’s face will fall. His gorgeous brown eyes that always make me think of Hersey’s chocolate kisses will fill to the brim with tears, his strawberry lips will turn down at the corners, and he will cry the broken sobs that I will be completely helpless to comfort away. Is this normal child behavior? I will wonder. Before, I would have never had to question it, but now—is it just further proof that my child is different? Or is this a phase all children go through? The little nagging doubts begin—what kind of mother is unable to soothe her own baby?

At other times, Gabriel will laugh. He will start laughing, and the sound fills the room with joy and light and cheeriness…but with it comes a certain darkness I can’t escape. What is he laughing at? Why won’t he stop? His expressive eyes, usually so somber, look slightly crazed, hysterical, and I feel frightened. Is there something wrong with his brain? It is so unfair that a thing so happy and carefree could engender such worry within me.

I hear of other boys, younger than my own Gabe, that are doing new things—talking, laughing, staring lovingly into their parents’ eyes—and once again my defensive mind tries and reason it away. It is impractical to compare your child to theirs, it says. We know that Gabriel is different, and if we start playing that game now, we will never be able to stop. Judge him by him, and be happy with who he is and who he is going to become. But even those are unable to quiet those restless feelings inside me. I want so much to provide every chance in life for my children, and I can’t help but think I have all ready failed Gabe in some way. If I had worked harder, maybe he would have never regressed; if I was better, he would have caught up by now. It must be that I am doing something wrong because at least then I have control over fixing it, making it right.

I had hoped and prayed that I would be above this. I have pushed myself to be okay. Who Gabriel is—a delightful, wonderful, darling little boy that makes me happier than I have any right to be—is a joy to me, and I adore him fully. I wouldn’t trade him for any “typical” boy in the entire world. I have written pages and pages full of text, extolling his many virtues because I can see how great he really, truly is. That’s what I am afraid of sharing—I am afraid that I am going to show this beautiful child to the world, but all they will be able to see is an ugly little word that happens to be a fit, and things will change. That it may warp this perfect thing into something unrecognizable; that my amazing son will be defined by one descriptor and we won’t be able to rise above it. So, I have grown frightened and suspicious of the outside, and I want nothing more to hide us in here forever where nothing can tarnish what we have.

But one thing I know in my heart of hearts…Michael would never allow something like this to own our family, and he would be disappointed and unhappy if I allowed it to. So I will swallow my fears, I will be strong for my son and for my family, and I will defiantly tell the world exactly where they can shove it. But here, tonight, I needed to break a little.

--Andie--

Last Dr. Stripling Visit

As of August, our pediatrician officially changes, so yesterday was the very last doctor's appointment we will have with Dr. Striping.

It's a little sad,but of course we are happy for him progressing in his career and everything...

So, yesterday Grannymom was coming over to watch the kids while Michael took me to my morning Dr. Hales appointment. It takes so much longer for me to look and feel like people lately, so I spent most of the morning getting myself and the kids ready to go.

Everything at Dr. Hales went quickly and efficiently. I lost another pound, but my blood pressure is back up to normal (114/71). What I have been told: as long as the baby is growing healthy, we aren't going to worry too much about my own weight loss. Some people are weird, and I happen to be one of them, apparently.

Michael and I got to see Benjamin again--his little face was hidden in the placenta again, which makes me sad. I know I will see him soon enough, but it didn't feel like the tech was trying that hard to let me see the little fella. She didn't even point out what we were looking at or anything, which I know it's because she is new at this and doesn't know, and I can recognize what I am looking at anyway, but it's part of the experience that I like--they tell you what you are looking at, that it looks healthy and what's changed this week with the baby, they ask you what you are naming the baby...It makes you feel like they care. This time, she was pretty quiet--willing to answer questions, but for the most part just taking the scans she needed in silence.

His head is down in my pelvis, his legs over on my left side. Up to 4 lbs, 15 oz. Which to me and Michael sounds gigantic, but that's only the 38th percentile (50th percentile is "average"; anything below is considered "small", anything bigger is considered "large", but all sizes are generally healthy). Both Emerald and Gabriel were around the 25th percentile until near the end of the pregnancy, when they abruptly dropped to the 6th-9th percentile. That is worrisome because babies aren't supposed to stop growing, but they were both healthy sizes when they were born.

Anyways, 5 lbs all ready sounds huge, especially since babies generally pack on about 1/2lb to 1lb a week until they are born, which could equal giant baby. The doctor said that it could be diabetes, but who knows--my Ben looks healthy healthy.

We left here and went home to feed the kids before Gabriel's doctors appointment. Ken had come over, and helped Emerald clean up her room; Grannymom had done the dishes. It was really awesomely sweet--I have been falling behind in my housework lately because I've been so fat and tired and we have had a million things going on....that is no excuse for me to be slacking around the house, but I really appreciated their help =)

Because 1.30 was the only time that we could get, we had to take the kids right at nap time. I hate doing that--I try to never schedule things for the two hours that the kids and I generally lay down because we need that rest time. But sometimes I can't help it.

This appointment with the doctor was as sort of a wrapping up/recounting of all the specialists' opinions, and final recommendations, plus addressing some final concerns that I have had.

Dr. Stripling never once said the word "Autism". Maybe he realized how on edge the word has been making us lately, maybe he didn't want to label whatever this is quite yet (which he doesn't, but I will mention that in a minute), but he just kept referring to it as "this".

He said that we should keep our appointment with Dr. Rogers, but shouldn't expect much from it other than what everyone has been telling us--stick with the therapies, keep working with him, keep an eye on it. He also had very positive, good things to say about Dr. Driskell which makes me happy--call me crazy, but his approval of another physician means a great deal.

The major concerns that brought us in (and his response) were:

1) Gabriel's horrible sleeping habits. He has technically never slept through the night. Contrary to common belief, he didn't start out co-sleeping with us either. When he was an infant, he slept in the bassinet; at some point, however, he started needing so much affirmation and water overnight that the only way Michael were going to get any sleep was to let him in bed with us. He has been that way ever since--waking every couple of hours to touch our faces, stroke our hair, reassure himself that we are there and everything is okay.

Of course, we all recognize that healthy sleep habits are the foundation to him learning and developing in the best manner possible, so our primary goal as of now is to get him moved into his own bed, in his own room. We are discussing different ways to go about this--he needs a big boy bed, so we need to get one. One of our thoughts is that he would like to be enclosed but not swaddled, so bed with a tent cover or something similar may make him feel more secure.

Dr. Stripling had more suggestions, one of which was putting Gabriel on melotonin at night which might help him drift off easier and stay asleep longer. We got some at the pharmacy last night and are giving it a try, but we are trying to not rely on it.

2) Gabriel has consistently loose stool. Yeah, totally gross. But according to the doctor, this is a common issue with toddlers--we need to up Gabriel's fat intake, which will help him have more healthy normal BM's. That was unexpected advice from the doctor, but after I thought about it, it makes a lot of sense. Emerald eats a lot like her father: they prefer cheese, fast food, chicken nuggets, French fries....all manner of crap, basically. Gabriel on the other hand is more like me: junk food repulses me, and I prefer whole grains, fruits and vegetables, and purchase everything low-fat, low-calorie, low-sodium if it is pre-prepared. It sounds unfair to Michael and Emerald, but if Mike wants something else, he can do the shopping and preparing meals, lol.

3) The last two kind of go hand-in-hand, so I am going to mention them here.

The staring episodes:

They were a big issue way back when, but when the EEG and MRI both came back clean, Michael and I decided to not pursue further testing. We both were fairly unconcerned with these because we both felt he was just getting a particular thought in his head and was thinking about it so hard that he was oblivious to what was going on around him. We weren't noticing them as often and there has been less physical difficulties surrounding them, so we shelved that worry.

Then something happened that made me start worrying about them again...

Most people scarcely see them any more, but since I am with him more than anyone else, I see them more often. The other day, he got into one of his little "episodes". It started stretching longer than I was comfortable, so I tried to get his attention--calling his name, snapping in his face, patting his back, rubbing his arms...he didn't even blink. That is normal; par for this course. But I had put on a Veggie Tales which queued up while I was trying to get his attention. The theme music started playing, the animation was flashing...and he didn't even flinch.

Why would this worry me more than all the other signs of unresponsiveness? Gabriel loves Veggie Tales. It is something that has gotten through to him when nothing else works. When we worried about his ability to hear, he would run from the other end of the house when he heard that music started playing, and he would stare transfixed from the first song all the way through the ending credits. It was a loud, unmistakable event happening a few feet from him....and it still could not pull him out of his head.

That scared me a great deal, so we have decided--which Dr. Stripling supports--to get several example videos of these spells and send them in to the neurologist and see what Dr. Brown thinks we should do next.

The second half of this concern was that Gabriel drinks much, much more water than the average child. He has done this since infancy, and we all ready had him tested for diabetes because of it, but Dr. Stripling says it could just be a compulsion related to the autism thing, which can have the negative effect of causing a sodium deficiency. Sodium deficiency can be associated with absence seizures, what we are concerned the "staring spells" are.

On that front, we are doing some blood work to check for a sodium problem, as well as substituting some of his constant water with Gatorade, which will replenish some of the nutrients he needs.

All in all, he said we need to keep going with what we are doing. He said that with kids as high functioning as Gabriel, in several years he could catch up in his development and we will wonder what made us ever think he could be autistic. But if that's not the case, then treating it as such until we are absolutely certain without a shadow of a doubt that he is (which is somewhat impossible, to be honest), we can use this diagnosis to give him the help he needs.

All of that is to say...we spent a great deal of time yesterday not learning that much. But I think we needed it; it was a verification that all the information we had gathered thus far was valid and complete, nothing left out, and we are learning more about what we can do for Gabriel.

I have the absolute worst pain in my wrists from typing so long, so I am going to go, lol. More updates later!!

--Andie--

Cute Emerald Quotes (July 17th-25th)

It's been a week, and I have been neglecting the blog horribly again, but I haven't had much to say. We had Grannymom's birthday dinner a few nights ago; Emerald didn't have any accidents the whole time we were there, which was awesome. We have two doctors appointments tomorrow--one with Dr. Hales for me to figure out exactly when we are having this kid, plus to set up the Non-Stress Tests for the rest of the pregnancy; the other is with Dr. Stripling to go over all the results from the specialists and everything and kind of figure out what we need to do next, where we need to go from here. I am hoping I can get Emerald in too, because I have concerns that she has an infection.

So anyways, not a whole whole lot going on. I will write more about the dinner and the appointments and everything later on, but for now, it is that time of the week again--cute Emerald quotes!!

• Aunt Ammer loves me; she made me a plate. See da hearts?
• -singing- "Gotta wrap it up, tie up, tangle up for Jesus..." -talking now- Gabriel, lay still--you a present for Jesus!" (Upon further investigation, she was attempting to swaddle/gift-wrap Gabe who had the misfortune to be laying on the ground when she found him)
• Emerald was singing to her tummy again, talking to the 'baby', when she becomes pensive. After some thought, she announces, "Mama, I don't think we having a baby. We just fat." (She's sick of waiting for her new brother to get here!)
• As far as Michael and I can understand here, the fruits of the spirit according to Emerald are: Lub, Joyce, Peas, Patience, Time for baby Benjamin, Gentlemen, and one for Trolls!
• I was wearing a big baggy black t-shirt one day because it is more comfortable than my regular clothes. When Emerald saw me, she says "Oh, good morning, Daddy. You sleep good?" (I guess I looked more like Michael than I did myself and she couldn't tell the difference!)
• Out of nowhere, quite indignantly, and for reasons completely unknown: "Mama, thank you not pooping in my panties; I can do it by myself!"
• She must love names as much as I do--she has been renaming things all week. So far, Grandpop has been redubbed "Max" and "Peach" this week.
• "My daddy is a movie star! He eats and drinks and he plays Cap'n America!" (What does Mommy do?) "I don't know, what does Mommy do? -contemplates- I know, Mommy makes pizza!"

Not everything she has done this week has been cute--I smelled something unpleasant in the back half of our house and went on a cleaning frenzy trying to eradicate the stench. Turns out that all those confusing times where Emerald has pooped but we don't see any feces anywhere, she has been pooping in the trashcan beside the potty. =P

That's the mini-update for this week!

=) --Andie!--

32 Week GTT

Monday, I met with Dr. Killeen to check on the baby's development and growth. He ordered me to take another 3-hour glucose test. Oh, thrill of my life =/

Michael has Tuesdays as half days, which means that he gets here around 11 in the morning. That's why all our doctor's appointments are scheduled for Tuesday afternoons; it allows Michael to come with us or watch the kids, as the situation warrants.

Prior to a 3-hour glucose study, you have to fast for 8 or so hours or when you drink the cup of gag-inducing beverage, you could go into diabetic shock. It's a ton of sugar to take in. Anyways, ideally you fast overnight and head in to take the test first thing in the morning as that supposedly makes it easiest. It doesn't really, but you know--whatever helps.

But I can't go in first thing in the morning--I have to watch the kids until Michael gets off of work; when he gets off, he can drop me off and stay with Emerald and Gabriel. That means that the latest I can have anything to eat is 4 am if I am going to start the test at noon. The only thing I can have after 4 is infrequent sips of water until the test is completed.

Monday night we have dinner as usual at 7; and for once, I sleep like a rock--not waking frequently as I normally do, which means that dinner was the last food I had before the test.

Fortunately for me, ice water makes my stomach settle and feel less starving. When Michael gets home, he takes me by sonic and gets me a big 32 oz cup of ice to tide me over through the test, and drops me off.

First goes the urinalysis, and when that checks out they draw the first vial of blood. My choices today are a student or a digger. (A digger is someone that will miss the vein when they stick the needle in and then dig around with it, or wiggle it back and forth until they hit the vein instead of taking it out and trying again. I hate those people.) I end up getting the digger. Which I suppose doesn’t matter that much—I’m going to be in a foul mood either way.

Before you say “maybe if you kept a positive attitude….”—there are some things in life that you don’t have to be cheerful about; needle pokes is one of them.

I ask if there is any other flavor in the whole entire world that I can have besides the fruit punch. She informs me that yes! Technically they have two choices:

Either I can drink the fruit punch glucose drink OR
I could drink two full cups of the orange flavored abomination because it is made for the one hour.

=/

Oh, eff you. Just hand me the fruit punch. -grumble grumble jerk-

The ice was a godsend; I wish I had thought of it before this test to have made all the other tests easier. Because the drink makes me so hot from the inside out, the ice helps me feel cooler internally which equals less sick. The only downside was that eating ice also makes me quite cold, which caused me to start shivering in the waiting room. If I am cold I am less likely to vomit, but the shivering was jostling the delicate contents of my tummy.

You might wonder how this drink that makes me so miserable would affect the baby growing inside me. It makes him wiggle and dance, which means that in the position he is currently in, he kicks my stomach enthusiastically with his little baby legs. Since this week there is a decrease in amniotic fluid to allow for more space for Ben, I felt every slightest readjustment.

I'm such an infant, but the moment I finished the glucose drink, I started crying. I was all alone and didn't want to do this stupid thing. At the beginning of the test, I hadn't eaten in 16 or 17 hours.

It actually turned out to be fairly uneventful. There was a woman that was doing the same test--I could hear her complaining to her husband about how hard it was and how sick it made her (which I couldn't fault her for)--but when she was done, she stood up in the waiting room and spritzed herself liberally with a very sweet smelling perfume.

Question: when did it become okay to do things like that outside the bathroom?! Seriously--you don't know if people are allergic, or just don't want to smell your stinky fragrance, or are sick to their stomach because they just started a test that you have just completed and don't want to throw up and have to come back another day. Maybe it is just me, but to me that was incredibly rude. I wanted to say something, but if I opened my mouth she would have fruit punch barf all over her shoes.

So classy, I know.

At one point a woman probably in her late forties came in and enthusiastically said hi to me, the greeting of someone you haven't run into in a long time and are excited to see...but when I looked up, she realized she had no idea who I was. She sat next to me in awkward silence until she got her blood work done and left. It was funny.

When Ben was getting too mobile, I started singing to him in hopes that he would calm down--he really liked "Carry on My Wayward Son" by Kansas, a song that I used to sing to Gabriel when I was pregnant with him. This may be Ben's third song =)

Since it was now lunchtime, the waiting room cleared out of everyone but me, so I pulled a couple of chairs together in the corner and curled up in fetal position to watch "The Doctors" and rest. I wanted more than anything to sleep, but then I would miss a draw and have to take the test again.

At 2.30, with three pokes down and one left to go, the waiting room door opened and Michael walked in. I was so happy I wanted to start crying again--it was the best surprise. He held me and made fun of "Inside Edition".

When I got home I wasn't that useful--I flopped down on the couch, desperate to sleep (probably because I hadn't eaten in 20 hours at that point. Michael made me eat some whole grain peanut butter crackers before I drifted off, and then whole grain toast and sugar-free cocoa when I woke up.

So for most of you that was probably the most boring story you have ever heard. But nuts to you--it's my blog ;) This morning I called the nurse and technically I failed, but barely barely. There are four numbers they take from the four draws, and you have to fail two numbers to be considered to have gestational diabetes. I was right on the line for the last two numbers (155 and 140). That means that I should be able to control it through diet and exercise, but Dr. Hales will decide if he wants me on an oral medication next Tuesday when I go back in. Mom speculates that my numbers were better than they would have been because I fasted for double the amount of time I was supposed to.

I do have to start the NST's at 34 weeks (which is 2 weeks away), but I only have to do one a week at first, so that's good. I am just ready for the baby to be out and here and cuddly and for me to eat whatever the heck I want!!

But anyways, that's taken care of and we're okay. Benji will be here before we know it.

~Andie~

My Brilliant Daughter

I know I am supposed to be overly proud of my children. It is my right as a mother to think they are the smartest, funniest, cutest, most wonderful children in the entire world.

Luckily enough, I am right =D

Emerald is really doing great--she is progressing wonderfully. That is what this post is about--how well Emerald is learning =)

She can now:

~Count to 29. I would consider it to 30, but she says "28, 29, 20-10.." which is technically not right

~Recognize all the letters of the alphabet, uppercase or lower case when written down

~Recognize the words "Emerald", "Daddy", "Mama", "Benjamin", and "Gabriel" if written down

~Knows all the sounds the letters make and can sound out a word (though that does not mean that she will then read the word--she will do something like "cuh-ahhh-tuh. Cuh-ahhh-tuh....that spells Remy!! -our cat-)

~The most exciting (to me): She can spell and write her own name =D sure is is messy, but up until this point, she would write DLAREME (Emerald backwards) or EMMMMMMM.....you get the idea. But now she can write her name! Whoo-hoo!!

Other than that, she knows all her colors and shapes (today she says her favorite shape is a rectangle and her favorite color is pink); the sounds animals make, domestic and wild; and all the words to a ton of nursery rhymes. She can point to any body part and name it, or tell you if it hurts; recognizes a variety of emotional expression when shown pictures; and can follow multi-step directions without being retold. Most beautifully though, she can invent the most elaborate, complex stories.

It's easy to get frustrated and notice the things that Emerald is struggling with. For example, though she never has tinkle accidents any more, she will insist on waiting until Daddy is home before she will poo...which has the unpleasant side effect of making her quite uncomfortable and ill and unable to make even if she wants to when he DOES get here. So she is not fully potty trained yet, though she is nearly four. Or the fact that she is every bit as stubborn as her mother, which means that we butt heads constantly.

But despite all of that...she is a very intelligent, empathetic, compassionate child that loves to learn and is eager to please. We are very blessed to have such a beautiful, wonderful daughter!!

~Andie~

8 Month Check-Up

As I will be 32 weeks pregnant on Wednesday, I had yet another Dr. Killeen appointment today.

Michael works on Mondays, so Grannymom came over and kept an eye on the children while Daddad drove me to my appointment. You never know how long these things will last, but I was happy that they got me back and taken care of really quickly. This is not going to be a long update, lol.

I have lost another pound, which means that (surprise!) a diabetic diet is not conducive to packing on the poundage. Benjamin himself is up a half a pound though to 4 and a half pounds, so for right now, we are not concerned about the weight loss. I am looking at it as sort of a checks-and-balances sort of thing, where my body is just being selective about what and where it is gaining and where it is shedding excess weight. The only extra precaution we are taking as of now is that we will start the non-stress tests (NST's) two weeks earlier than usual, at 34 weeks instead of 36. That's just a couple of weeks away, and the NST's are about an hour long each, sometimes longer, twice a week. They are actually incredibly soothing and relaxing for me, because I get to put my feet up and they give me a drink and I get to sit in a warm and quiet room and read or watch tv and just feel pampered.....but I have to worry about what to do with the kids and what not.

No one is worried about my own pica, either--I ate about 7 pounds of ice over the course of five days this past week. But to be honest, there aren't many negative side effects of crunching ice. It can affect your potassium level and it can (if done for too long) wear down the teeth in the back; but it also hydrates me and the baby, and it's not like I am eating hair or dirt or cigarette butts like other pregnant ladies with pica. So that is a non-issue.

Blood pressure is still down, but not quite so low, which means that my controlling my diet is working.

Finally, my blood sugar--they want me to take a three-hour because they want to put me on an oral medication to control it, which is much preferable to insulin (in my opinion). I still have to figure out my glucometer problem, but we will do what we need to do.

So, I know what you are thinking--who cares about all this boring medical blah blah; what about the baby?!!!?

Benjamin is growing very well. He is still head down, which he may stay in that position until he is born. But he did turn his face today so I was finally able to see it. We have only gotten one good face shot of Ben before and that was before he began developing fatty deposits beneath the skin, which meant that it was not a very accurate glimpse of what he will actually look like. This time, I got to see his precious face...he doesn't look much like the other two from what I saw, but he is so so very sweet. I adore that little belly-feller.

Due date is September 14th; common medical practice dictates taking the fetus no earlier than 39 weeks unless medically necessary, which would put his birth on Septemeber 7th. But we really won't know for certain until we 1) talk to Dr. Hales, which is...maybe next week? Anyways, until he looks at some numbers and some facts and determines if the baby would be better in or out; and 2) until we start the NST's and do the amniocentesis and really see how our little Benjamin is doing in there. I mentioned to Dr. Killeen that sooner rather than later would be preferable when it comes to delivering, lol.

Anyways, so that is what is going on this week with our Benji-Bottoms =)

Gabriel

I recently wrote about the journey to Emerald’s name—what an odyssey it became because of how much I over-thought things and tried to please everybody; what stress and no little amount of hurt feelings it caused.

In the end, Michael and I picked the name Emerald for our daughter, which both of us adored, but the whole experience had burned me, turning me off to the process. When we found out that we were expecting our second child, I honestly wanted to tell someone else to do it—I didn’t want to deal with it at all.

Lucky for me, I had someone that I could push the responsibility off on and trust to make a great decision =D My dear husband had something that I could never again have—an untarnished view of names. He didn’t care how popular a name was, what style it fell into, or it’s social or literal meaning. He heard names and was able to love them or hate them on the sound and feel alone. I am still quite jealous of this ability of his, though I am getting better at embracing the names that speak to me instead of over-analyzing it.

Since this pregnancy was as different as night and day with my previous pregnancy, I had no troubles at all—no sickness, no excessive fatigue, no hormonal sobbing in response to every word out of Michael’s mouth—so I was able to calmly and logically explain to him that I wanted him to make the ultimate decision and choose the name for our child. After some thought, we decided that we would not discuss it with anyone else nor reveal the final choice until the baby was born so as to prevent unwanted critique to mar our experience once again.

So determined were we that we would keep the name a secret that I convinced Michael that he alone would know the gender of the baby so that I would not be able to reveal our pick before it was time. We both knew that I am a lousy secret keeper.

At first, we would openly discuss names together and I was privy to all of Michael’s thoughts on the subject. Since he was the decider, it took all the pressure off of me so that I could just study and enjoy the name books. Early on, we discussed our reserved boy’s name—Benjamin Reilly—but Michael was uncertain if we would have more children in the future that would inherit his family name, Lynn, if we decided to forgo it this time. Reluctantly, we shelved Benjamin Reilly once again.

Michael and I initially agreed quite readily on names. He liked Eve for a girl and Lex for a boy, so we compromised on Eve Lynn Clementine and Alexander Lynn. For several months, we were content with our choices and discontinued discussions. But of course, I still thought about it.

Even without knowing the gender, I had strong suspicions about the baby I carried. I knew in my heart that the little one I carried was a boy, what I had been hoping and praying for. Old wives’ tales supported my theory, since the pregnancy was in every way different from the one with Emerald. So while I was researching both genders, I found myself drawn toward boy names.

One day, I came across the thought that since Michael’s name was that of an archangel, it might be a neat concept to give our baby their own angelic name. I was forever making lists at that time anyway since I find lists soothing and lots of fun, so I began a new one.

Angel was my first thought, but because of the vampire show Michael favored, I was turned away from that one. Plus, expectation names like that cause opposite effects—a common accepted ideal among the naming community--meaning that if you name your son Angel, he is going to be a mega-super brat.

I really liked the name Raphael—it means “God Has Healed”, and was the healer archangel, which appealed to the aspiring physician in me. Raphael was super cute but completely without good nickname (I have since solved that dilemma by discovering the diminutive Raz, which means “secret” in Hebrew), and had a very noticeable Ninja Turtle association that Michael would never be able to overlook.

Forgive me, but Uriel could not be in the running, because if you can hear it and NOT think “urinal” or “pee-pee”, you are a better person than I am (at least a more mature one). Uriel meant “God is My Light”, another great message, but I couldn’t overcome my first negative impression of then name.

The last name was one that I had read again and again…and hated. That’s not really fair—I had no problem (though no particular draw, either) to the name itself, but rather to its unavoidable nickname. Gabe, to me, was wildly unattractive and I couldn’t stand it. But as I read the name—“Gabriel”—again in my Baby Name Wizard (best book ever), I found it made me glow with happiness and good feelings.

When I brought it up to Michael, he lit up as well, liking the idea of having a little Gabriel. I still wasn’t crazy about the nickname Gabe, but I had discovered another pet name that I responded to much better—Gaby Baby. Just hearing it felt like a great big hug of cheerfulness.

An aside: that would be pronounced gay-bee; not to be confused with the female Gabrielle/Gabriela’s common pet form, Gabby, which is pronounced gab-ee.

Back again: around this time, it became painfully obvious that Michael could no longer trust me to keep “the” name a secret as we had originally agreed. I was around 5 months pregnant and bursting to tell my mom, sister, neighbor, dog, and stranger on the street every thought that was crossing my mind. What can I say, I’m an excitable little thing. In order to protect our agreement, I consented to be 100% locked out of future discussions of the child’s name. From here on out, it would be Michael—and Michael alone—that would make that call.

Sure, it was a little bothersome—it made me antsy to not be getting a say. But it had many perks, like being able to honestly tell someone when they asked that no, I didn’t know what Michael was thinking. In a way, I could share that frustration with them, but it made me happy to know that the first and greatest gift we would give to our child would come directly from Mike.

At 6 months, I had a little accident. I worked for a pet store throughout my pregnancy, which was relatively stress-free and easy as I grew. One night, however, I was not paying attention and I tripped over a box lying on the floor (as well as my massive feet) and landed smack on my stomach. At first I was just a little dazed and shaken up, but all right…after a while, I began to feel the tightening cramps that filled me with dread. Michael picked me up from work; we dropped Emerald off with the in-laws, and headed to the emergency room. We feared for the worst, and I clung to the only name that stood out to me at that time—Gabriel, my little angel-baby. It turned out that I was just malnourished and had an infection, so soon that night and it’s particulars—including the name I had called my bump in an attempt to reassure it—began to fade from my memory.

Fast forward to nine months pregnant: we were told that our planned repeat cesarean would be February 12-14^th, or somewhere in there, so I go for my amniocentisis. Even with the steroid shots I had earlier, the baby’s lungs were underdeveloped for their gestational age, a common side effect of uncontrolled maternal blood sugar. It would appear that I had been misfiled as having passed the GTT when in truth, I had once again failed. Our little one was not yet ready to be born, and would have to bake for another week and a half.

I was incredibly discouraged and frustrated and depressed. Because of the misconception we had of when the child was to be born, my parents would unfortunately have to miss the birth. Not to mention that I would have to endure anther miserable ten days of contractions and advancing pregnancy.

Wanting to cheer me up, Michael asked if I would like to hear the name he had chosen.

Ooohhh, I was tempted. I wanted to yell “Yes! Tell me now!!!” But I had made it so far and had dreamt of that moment when my baby was born and my husband would introduce the new person to me…reluctantly, I restrained, but agreed to hear what he had narrowed it down to.

For girls, he liked Myka, Aeris, and Eve.

For boys, he was favoring Alexander, Dylan, and Gabriel.

Dylan was Michael’s best friend in High School; Myka is a variation of his own name; Aeris, an interesting character from a game he played a great deal of. When I heard the names he was preferential to, I was very reassured. I liked all the names he had chosen, though at the time I had assumed he was opting toward our original picks—Alexander Lynn and Eve Lynn Clementine.

The big day comes and Michael introduces me to my son:

Gabriel Lynn Wearden

Oh, it’s a beautiful name and it suits this little guy so, so perfectly. I remember the night at the ER and how I had called him my Gabriel, and I knew that this was the perfect choice; Michael had done an amazing job.

Gabriel is a Hebrew name, meaning “God is my Strength”. The archangel is known as a messenger of God, foretelling the births of John the Baptist and Jesus. It was not popular in the English-speaking world until the 20^th century, where it has shown a particular spike in usage in the last several years—jumping from number 44 in 2000 to 21 in 2010. It is not particularly favored by any group of people—rich or poor, black or white or Hispanic, educated or uneducated—but is used pretty liberally among all groups.

Lynn is a family name—the middle name of Michael, his mother, his mother’s father, and on and on. It means “of the lake”.

We are both thrilled with how the name turned out. As soon as it was attached to this little cutie, Gabe seemed pretty adorable itself, though he was my little Gaby Baby still. And it suits him perfectly—I honestly can’t imagine him being anything else other than our Gabriel. I think even the meaning was well-suited for him, as with the recent diagnosis of autism, he is called to be strong, keeping his faith and trust that God will care for him.

So, that is how we came to decide on our children’s given names! Perhaps not interesting to all, but potentially of importance to them one day, and I would like to say that I remembered =)

~Andie~

Cute Emerald Quotes from this Week

I decided that since there is no way that I am going to recall every adorable/funny/clever things that my brilliant little girl says that I am going to try and start a weekly/bi-weekly/as often as I can accumulate enough for a post collection of Emerald-isms.

Here are the ones from this past week!

* I asked the kids if they would like a snack of popcorn, and they got very excited, jumping up and down and clapping their hands. So I brought out the bag of microwaveable popcorn, and watch as Emerald visibly deflates. Dejected, she tells me "Oh, no thank you, Mama. Daddy makes it in the popcorn machine"

* "A good pet dinosaur eats food, like pizza and bananas, not people. I give him snacks so he won't eat me"

* We watched Madagascar recently. Later, as we were playing outside, a very pensive Emerald asks, "Mama, are there Emeralds in the wild?"

* "You're not smart, Mama! But you're pretty, it's okay...." (Thanks, sweetheart :P)

* One day, Emerald woke up from nap and sat in the recliner, not saying or doing anything. I tried to get her to read with me, watch a show, or get up, but she calmly told me "I'm waiting". I asked her what she was waiting for, and she said "I'm waiting for Daddy to come home".

* "Ohhhhh, the rains came down as the blood came up...."

* Emerald was patting my stomach and feeling Benjamin kick, when she informed me "That's my baby. I put hims there. You welcome"

* Gabriel toggled the 360 on and off several times, earning himself a time-out. He was annoyed that I was interrupting his play, but was no where near as distraught as Emerald who sobbed "Don't worry Gaby--I will save you; Emerald will save you".

*-counting in Spanish- uno, dos, tres, cinco, dinko....

* I made both Emerald and Gabriel a cocoa; Emerald drank a few swallows, paused to contemplate her drink, then put it in the fridge. I asked her if she didn't want cocoa, and she said "No, I just saving it for Benjamin".

* "Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings' horses and all the kings' men rode over Humpty Dumpty again and again." -evil laugh-

* Every time the doorbell rings or someone knocks on the door, Emerald excitedly yells "He's here! He's here! Benjamin finally here!!"

ABR

Gabriel had his Auditory Brainstem Response test this morning--the last hearing test for a little while.

Michael took the morning off so that he would be able to help me; with these tests, we often need to restrain Gabe, which does not go over well and Michael is so much more adept at it. I tend to be the one that gets emotional and wants to spare him the unpleasant experience even if it is beneficial; Michael is more willing to allow him to be miserable for a short period of time to ensure his health and well-being. Of course I recognize that Michael is correct on that front, but darn it all if it is easier said than done for me.

Grannymom volunteered again to watch Emerald, which was very nice--it is unpleasant to take both kids to things like this; it's kind of little reward for Gabriel to have one-on-one time with Mommy and Daddy. When Grannymom came to pick Emerald up, however, Gabriel was distraught because he was not going too. I guess he had such a good time the day before that he was ready to go back, and he was not happy that we were apparently keeping him home.

To make it up to him, we stopped by the grocery store and I picked up some breakfast stuff--granola bars, chocolate milk, orange juice, stuff like that--as a kind of a treat.

The wait was non-existent--Gabriel played with a little baby boy younger than he is with the bead tracks, plus ran around for a short while before the doctor came and got us.

Now, in the past, the test would have called for sleep-deprivation or outright sedation. I was told when I made the appointment that a surgery suite would have to be booked just in case in situations like those just in case something went wrong, which for a hearing test sounds awfully frighting. Lucky for us though--this test is done through bluetooth technology.

First, they clean the area on his forehead and earlobes with alcohol and a scratchy brush which just annoyed Gabriel.

Then they attached four nodes to his little head--two on his forehead between his eyes, and one on each earlobe. That is what we had been prepared for, and it really wasn't awful...cool, this test won't be so hard, I think.

Oh, you KNOW I was wrong. Nothing like this is ever easy.

To each node they attach wires that run to a box that either Michael or I need to wear. Then in his ears, they place a microphone that is supposed to sit in there for a while.

Ugh!!

At first, I try and hold him--he eats some fruit snacks and then a granola bar; when they start attaching the wires, he gets quite upset and wants to pull them out but some singing from me and a paci help soothe him. He sits with me for about 10 minutes before he rips the ear part out and Michael takes over.

Mike is really good at restraining him, but he can't be screaming through the whole test or it won't work. And the doctor has warned us--if we can't get an idea of how his ears are functioning from this test, we have to come back another day for the sedation test. I will take a big pass on that, thank you. Mike suggests I use the netflix app on my phone to put veggie tales on--he can't have any sound and the connection is not great, but it really draws him into his Veggie Tales trance which allows the test to be completed with hardly any fuss.

I know how lucky we are--how many two-year-old's are going to be quiet, still, or calm enough to complete this test? And as sensory as Gabriel is, he really hated those wires and nodes and that thing sitting in his ear; but he was very well-behaved considering, and the fact that the test went as quickly as possible without having to re-do it....I count today as a definite win.

The doctor (I cannot for the life of me remember his name, but I can tell you it started with a Z and is completely odd) told us the results before we left: our little Gabriel is hearing just perfectly. This is good news of course since that means that there is no hearing loss and Gabriel needs no corrective surgeries; on the downside, it reinforces the whole autism thing. There probably will never be a part of me that doesn't hope just a little that the diagnosis is wrong and that Gabriel is fine and dandy.

We called Grannymom to let her know the test was over, but her and Emerald were having such a great time that they asked if they could keep her through lunch. Of course they can--that gives us a chance to get our grocery shopping out of the way!

It is really hard, by the way, to do diabetic grocery shopping, but we got a lot of good things. I am hoping that everyone will be pleased with what we got.

The ABR signaled the official "last" test we needed run on Gabriel. There is the developmental pediatrician in December, plus all the check-ups from all the specialists that we have met with over the past year, but this is the last diagnostic test that we have to do on the poor boy for quite some time. Let us hope that the next few months are blissfully and wondrously doctor-free for our little man =)

~Andie~

Tidbits

As a way of kind of recapping things I would like to remember one day but are not long enough to be on their own, here is a tidbits post!!

1. It was lovely and overcast and not too hot the other day, so I took the kids outside to let them play. The first thing we noticed was this sweet little girl puppy playing with Pepper that looked a lot like a scruffy, homeless version of my sister's dog Zoe. I made Emerald and Gabriel stay inside while I tried to scare it off because I didn't know if it was vicious or diseased or what, but she turned out to be so, so very sweet and made Pepper so very happy that I didn't have the heart to send her out yet. I decided that she posed no threat to the children, and that she could stay in the backyard that day until she either found her own way back home or Michael got home and I could ask the neighbors about her.

She had no collar or tags, but she was incredibly good-natured and pleasant. After Michael got home, she wiggled back through a hole in the fence and we assumed she found her way home; when Michael showed them a picture of her though, the neighbors said she was a stray that frequently hung out in their backyard but that did not belong to them. I am now worried that the poor dog doesn't have a home, so if she comes back, I will make Found Dog posters and see if anyone wants her.

2. This is a cute picture of Emerald from church on Sunday--she was chewing on her toy bird and was annoyed with me because I made her cross her ankles before I would take the picture, lol. Church on Sunday was pretty okay--Michael and I are settling into our class a bit more, even if we are not making any friends yet. We are not terribly social individuals to be honest, and we stick mostly to ourselves. This week we talked about spiritual gifts, and were given a questionnaire to fill out to pinpoint what in what ministries our God-given talents lay (if any). We found out that Michael shows most talent in Leadership, while I scored higher in Mercy; both of us had a close second of Administration. The lowest scores we got were for Celibacy and Giving, lol.

3. This is our sticky-mat substitute--the kids and I have been doing Yoga Mama pregnancy yoga stretches in the mornings, which has been a lot of fun as well as good exercise. It doesn't help me feel as physically comfortable as I would like, but it is nice to do something for myself each day. Gabriel mostly likes to lay there and watch, crawl between my legs and under me as if I am a fort, and bang on my huge protruding behind. Emerald will actually attempt the stretches, which is particularly cute when she is sending the love in her heart to the new baby. She is always a great sport, even reminding me to do the stretches on days that I forget.

4. We have been spending a good amount of time outdoors again--ever since Ken and Patrick cleaned up our backyard, we have had the loveliest days swinging and swimming and eating fruit pops.....the only thing that really stinks is that lately, it has been so very hot outside, I have been getting very ill from the heat after only being out there for a short time. It breaks the kids' hearts when I have to drag them back in because mommy needs to cool off, and they seem so disappointed and betrayed. I am trying to figure out a way to avoid that; perhaps I could start swimming with them as well to keep cooled off. It would be cruel if we just stopped going outside at all, so I have to figure out something.

5. Today, I got a package from Erika!! It was so so sweet--It came in a pretty box and had Lily Snacks, a pink bracelet, some clothes for Benjamin, a Spider-Man outfit for Gabriel, some Indonesian money, and a bag of what I think is an edible food but I just can't figure out what it is, plus some other cute little things...it really made my day, and touched my heart, since it must have cost a fortune to send a package halfway across the world. I miss my friend so much--it is still like another year before she will be back. I get really depressed if I stop and think about it, but I am so proud of the work she is doing that it would be selfish of me to miss her too much, so I am choosing to be happy for her. Maybe when she gets back, we can hang out again =)

So that's all I've got for right now--writing a lot today =o)

~Andie~

Dr. Hales Visit

We left Gabriel's appointment to go home for lunch, then dropped the kids off at Grannymom and DadDad's so that Michael could take me to my Dr. Hales appointment.

The waiting room was practically empty when we got there; we were called back nearly immediately and there was scarcely any wait before we were taken to a room. I still have not gained any weight, but they did not seem concerned since Benjamin is growing so well. They looked over my blood sugar results and asked me to do another Glucose Tolerance Test as well as to fax them my blood sugar chart because they are wanting to put me on an oral diabetes medication.

The ultrasound went really well--everything is still in place and healthy looking. His head is down in my hips and his legs are tucked into my ribs. We have to come back in two weeks for another check-up and try getting my blood sugar under control. Sad to say, we weren't able to get a 3-D ultrasound because of the placental placement--he snuggles into it, obscuring his little features and making it impossible to get a good clear shot.

I am 31 weeks today, which means 8 months as of next Wednesday; I am in the home stretch of this pregnancy, and I am sooooo ready for it to be over. I have never been so uncomfortable in my life, and I am certain without a doubt that I was never in this much pain with my previous two pregnancies.

The best way I can think to describe it--have you ever gone on a very, very long car ride without stopping once? When you get to your destination and you stand up, no matter how much you shifted and adjusted, your lower back and hips are uncomfortable from being going un-stretched for so long?? That is pretty much how I feel most of the time--like I can't straighten or stretch out my back and hips. It makes for a very uncomfortable Andie, which makes me walk hunchbacked and duck-footed.

The kids weren't with Grannymom and DadDad very long because the appointment went so quickly, but they seemed to have a really great time. Gabriel loves playing on the piano, hearing all the different notes. Emerald just loves going over there--she always has such a fun time =)

All in all, I am pleased with the appointment--my little Benjamin is looking fine and dandy, ready to make his appearance in just a few short weeks!!

~Andie~

Psychological Evaluation Results

Yesterday was Michael's day off, which naturally meant doctors' appointments--fun times!!

He still had to go into work in the morning, but he was home by 10, since we met with Dr. Driskell at 11 to go over the results of the autism screening in June. As I said before, I really didn't know what to expect for this visit--last time, I was able to prepare myself by reading up on it from Internet sources, but since this was a follow-up, it was harder to be prepared.

Because of the atmosphere in the office as kid-friendly, we went ahead and took both Emerald and Gabriel, though as it turns out, we didn't even need Gabriel there. It probably would have gone easier if we had found someone to watch them, but I really don't think it went that badly. They were not overly rambunctious or over-enthusiastic; they were just toddlers. Unfortunately for Michael, both children were so excited to be somewhere with Daddy that they were crawling all over him and he missed a good portion of what was being said.

Luckily, we got a 8 page packet of everything she went over, and I of course took notes over what was discussed.

First, she listed what procedures were used and what tests were administered--the CBCL 1.5-5, the ADOS, ASRS, GARS, Vineland-II, and the clinical interview for child with Michael, Tammy, and me. We went over and verified why Gabriel was referred for a psychological evaluation, and discussed his background information--how my pregnancy with him went, birth statistics, home life, daycare history...things of that nature. She told us her assessment results and clinical impressions--she actually got a very accurate judgment on Gabriel from the brief amount of time spent with him, which surprised me a bit, since Gabriel is hard to get a read on.

Tammy, Cassie, Michael, and I all filled out the CBCL (Child Behavior Checklist) for a total of three scores on that front; this is to ensure that perhaps I am not seeing or claiming things that are not actually there. Because of the combined testing results, here is basically what we learned:

Gabriel's Daily Living Skills and Motor Skills are still delayed, but not severely--that surprised me because Gabriel is so strong and such a good climber, but he lost points for some fine motor skills things that he cannot do (like pointing).

His Communication and Socialization both fall below the 1st percentile, which means that 99% of children his age are communicating and socializing better than he is currently. This indicates an Autism disorder. Because he is not delayed severely across the board, it decreases the likelihood of mental retardation.

Gabriel demonstrates many Stereotypical Behaviors, such as:

Frequently avoid establishing eye contact

Staring at hands or other objects

Licking or eating inedible objects

Whirling or turning in circles

Making high-pitched sounds

Rapid lunging or darting movements

Walks on tiptoes

and Flaps hands in excitement

(among others). His lack of social skills was a note of concern as well, such as not imitating other people, withdrawing or remaining aloof on group situations, is not affectionate (except with a select few), and shows no recognition that a person is present.

We got a detailed recap of the clinical observations--what they did, and what it meant; how "typical" children would have responded, and how Gabriel responded. There was a summary and diagnostic impressions section that kind of recapped everything that we had read, but the overview was: Gabriel is showing a lot of signs of being autistic, and according to all standards usable for this age, he is most likely on the spectrum. As of this testing, he is leaning toward "moderate to severe", but some how I doubt that--Gabriel is very intelligent and has a wonderful temperament; I think he is just clever enough to try and see what he can get away with not doing for as long as he can.

We also need to monitor his attention and hyperactivity in the future--his energy level is high right now, but he is 2 so it is not concerning. But many autistic kids have ADHD as well which impairs their ability to focus and learn; because of how high-spirited Gabriel is now, we don't want to dismiss it in the future as being "just Gabe".

Finally came the Recommendations--basically, continue what we are doing with ECI and therapies, the pictures, social stories...things of that sort. She is more concerned about Gabriel's "staring episodes" because the EEG would have only been conclusive if he had an episode while hooked up to the electrodes, which he didn't--he slept. Anyways, she thinks we should possibly take him back to Dr. Brown (the neurologist) and have a more extensive screening to rule out seizure activity. Autism sometimes presents with seizures, and they could do serious brain damage if we allow them to continue unheeded. Michael and I think it is just Gabriel drifting off into his own world and being so lost in his own thoughts that he doesn't know what is going on around him; but it may be worth looking into further.

One of the most daunting tasks presented to us is getting Gabriel into his own bed. Since he was little, he has slept in the big bed with Mommy and Daddy--he sleeps very fitfully and needs constant validation throughout the night that we are still there, as well as to maintain the high level of water he insists upon in his life. That boy does NOT like to be dehydrated.

We got a list of books that may be helpful, resources that were available here in town, and were directed to encourage Gabriel to socialize and engage but to never force him if he wants to remain on the periphery; just really praise him for getting engaged when he does.

All in all, just a lot of information to process and wade through so that we can keep on keepin' on (as my old physic's teacher, Mr. Burnett, used to say). What we learned is not earth-shattering, just an affirmation that we need to keep working with Gabe until he is caught up =)

~Andie~