Thanksgiving

Thansgiving has come and gone; the Weardens have a lot to be thankful for this year.

We are thankful we were able to spend time with both our families for the holiday--the Saturday before (the 18th) had us in Abilene at Amber and Jud's house for steaks and baked potatoes. We had to leave Saturday  after Michael got off of work because he had a big Subaru Crosstrek launch at work; a radio station came out and they gave away these incredibly fragrant Nathan's hot dogs. Emerald went to Mercy's (Faith's baby sister) birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese so Gabriel, Benjamin, and I were able to go up and see Daddy at work.

The trip was safe--we stayed at Jarrod and Julia's house, although Andrew was feeling a bit under the weather. Mom and Dad got to come; Royce, Stella, and the boys were unable to attend though.

Emerald had the week off of school, so she was able to help me decorate for Christmas. We put up a fully decorated Christmas tree in the living room, and a decked topiary and a sparkly pink tree in Emerald's room as well; my favorites are Gingerbread men and Snowmen, so they are everywhere inside and outside the house.

Gabriel still had school Monday and Tuesday; we had been noticing a significant behavior improvement and attempts at communication, but Tuesday marked a sharp decline. He successfully removed the sole of his brand new boot, not even a week out of the box; at school, they are mentioning aggression and complete inability to go unattended for even a moment. They can't even eat lunch because he won't lay down for nap.

Thursday was Thanksgiving at Glo and Pawpaw's--we had the traditional spread of turkey, ham, dressing, green bean casserole, the works. It was nice getting everyone together to share a meal and appreciate one another's company.

I am also thankful for another year being married to Michael. Saturday the 24th marked our 5th year anniversary. Ken and Rhonda kept the kids overnight for us, so we were able to go to Texas Roadhouse for dinner and to see a movie. I got the sirloin kebob and Michael got chicken smothered in mushrooms and cheese--very delicious--and "Wreck-It Ralph" was super cute. The new mega movie theater in the mall is surprisingly nice; you can even get Starbucks drinks! We gave each other our gifts earlier in the month: I got Michael the Nexus 7 tablet; he got me a blue topaz ring in an antique setting and "Star Wars: The Old Republic", the MMO by Bioware. (Note: It is incredible, and it has just gone free-to-play so if you don't have it, get it!)

Emerald did well overnight at Glo's; Benjamin is a busy boy and a shameless bed hog, and poor Gabriel pined for me and sleep poorly as a result. It's good for him to get away from me every now and then, though it doesn't make him particularly happy, and it's good for me to get a break from the kids as well.

Finally, we are thankful that due in large part to my impressive foresight and preparedness (and so modest!) we are very nearly done Christmas shopping before December! Taking after my grandmother Pat, I started hopping on deals months in advance, spending small amounts of money here and there when we could manage so that we wouldn't be slammed with having to drop a larger sum all at once from one paycheck. Now we will be able to use that paycheck to cover travel expenses for the holidays.

Our own little "Elf on the Shelf" has arrived--Emerald calls him Chipper and is quite taken with him, even if the boys are rather ambivalent, wavering between disconcertion and outright disregard.

Bit of downer news: while hefting my darling ducky Ben into his playpen, I pulled or strained something in the middle of my back...again. A bit of heat, some Tylenol, and rest and I am hoping to get back good as new but if it hasn't improved in the next week or so I may have to go in and see the doctor.

Here's to another wonderful year of being Michael's wife, the mommy of three lively and healthy children, and a very blessed lady!

--Andie

November 16th

The last few weeks have been a little rough around our household. 

October, Gabriel's moods, energy, and aggression were getting out of control. He was biting and scratching and pinching at school, and after 12 weeks of school he still needs complete adult support to stay in his seat. Leave him unattended for even a moment and he jumps up and runs off. He doesn't attend tasks, and sensory items that have worked in the past such as weighted lap belt and chewy tubes are no longer effective. At home, daily activities like taking his medicine or getting dressed became all out battles, and Michael and I have the scratches and bruises to prove it. As the norm of when daytime behavior suffers, his sleep schedule suffers as well. 

At the end of October, I took Gabe for his check up with the developmental pediatrician, who prescribed him the medication Trileptal to help even out the extremes of his moods. With any mood-altering medicine, standard protocol is to allow two full weeks of taking the new drug to see results. 

What followed were two...difficult weeks. 

It's like the dial got ramped up to 12--at school, he would collapse in the hall, laughing so hard he couldn't stand and disturbing every class around him while the teachers and aides struggled to move him. Attacking himself as well as others, the classroom reports noted significant aggression every day, and he started taking it out on the home therapists as well. Indifference to lessons elevated to outright refusal to participate, concerning all those watching him. He wouldn't allow the occupational therapist to soothe him, rejected all forms of weight and pressure applied, brushing, spinning...every method we had for tamping down his excess was now more likely to set him off into a meltdown than to help. 

While he was with me at home, token protests of fussing and struggling against routine were amplified to all out brawls, with Gabriel fighting with everything he had, screaming or laughing the entire time as he forced us to restrain him. The laughing was no game for him, though, anymore than it was for us; he was out of control. Michael would have to pin his arms and legs while I forced him to take his medicine, put on his shoes, wear his pajamas. Gabe is incapable of any sort of "normal" activity--he cannot sit still for dinner, see a show through to the finish (no matter how much he likes it); he spends most of his time at home banging his head on the couch again and again and again. 

I could go on; needless to say, the stress level of everyone in the house was high, and all five of us were suffering. 

So, two weeks comes and I call the nurse incessantly until she returns my call. They discuss options and take him off the Trileptal immediately, and to replace it with Risperidone. It is supposed to help temper the extremes of his emotions, make them more manageable again and to halt his aggression. 

Pray this works. Emerald is struggling at school, most likely having stress-induced anxiety attacks because of the current climate at home; Gabriel deserves peace, even from his own body and mind; and they all need a mother that isn't running on scraps of sleep, caffeine, and sheer tattered nerves. 

I promise a much more thankful, cheerful post in the near future. 

--Andie

First Sunday in November

What has been going on with the Wearden clan?

Pepper was finally released from the animal hospital about 5 days after her surgery. Now she seems right as rain, but was on a whole fistful of pills and is still more or less bald. They took her picture and made her a little doggie model for their website. http://www.animalhospitaloflubbock.com/ If you are interested in seeing her. Since being home, she has gotten rather very fat and more than a little spoiled; I will be taking her in next week to recheck her liver values and see how it is doing. The vet worked with us considerably by knocking the price almost in half, but it was still pretty hefty and we will be paying on it for a while.

The weekend before Halloween, my cousin Jacob got married to his incredibly sweet long term girlfriend Anna. Michael got a few days off of work so that we could all drive down and go to the wedding; on Thursday, we drove to Amber and Jud's house in Abilene to spend the night before continuing on to DFW for the wedding Friday night. A little while after we got to Amber's, Gabriel vomited all over himself and the bed, then proceeded to throw up every half hour for the rest of the night.

Michael stayed with Gabriel in Abilene while Jarrod, the two healthy children, and I went on to the wedding. It stinks that Michael was unable to be there because he had formed a friendship with Jake while they were living in Lubbock. It was held in a little chapel on a ranch, a small, intimate ceremony that was beautiful and moving. Jacob and Anna are going to be so happy together. Afterwards, they had a reception where they served fajitas and I got to visit with my Dad's side of the family including my exuberant grandmother, vivacious aunt, and fabulous cousin Sean, Jake's brother. Now Sean and I are texting back and forth: it is awesome to have forged a friendship with him despite the nine year age difference.

We spent the night at Granny and Papa's, then headed back to Abilene to get Michael and Gabriel mid-morning. Benjamin promptly goes to Daddy the first chance he gets....and becomes ill all over his shirt. The trip home cannot be delayed as Amber and Jud aren't even home for the weekend, so I ride in the back next to poor pitiful Ben and we head back to Lubbock. Around Slaton, half way home, Emerald upchucks all over herself and the car.
Needless to say, not the best road trip ever, though it was wonderful that I made it to my dear cousin's wedding. Michael and I both got the stomach bug after coming back; Benjamin kept relapsing all the way through Saturday, which prompted an emergency room visit due to dehydration concerns. Little guy is finally back to feeling his old self again, which is a blessed relief.

On Halloween, Benjamin was still feeling poorly and Gabriel had developed an intense dislike for the material of his costume and having things pulled on over his head, so we were unable to do anything to really celebrate with them. Rhonda and Ken took Emerald to their church for Trunk or Treat--Emerald dressed up as Snow White. She makes a very pretty redheaded princess, and the highlight of the night for her was getting her picture taken with Captain America and buying blue cotton candy to share with me. When she got home, I divvied up the candy between her and her two brothers, which she was incredibly generous and gracious about; I particularly liked the limited candy aspect of the whole thing because in years previous, I have been left with entirely too much left over that goes to waste.

Neither Emerald's or Gabriel's school were doing in-school Halloween events. Emerald's held a fall festival the Saturday before that we were out of town for; Gabriel's had a 50's dress-up day. I was bummed because I had gotten Gabriel a Bob the Tomato costume to wear months and months ago thinking that he would love it and then he wouldn't even wear it. I do understand the school's reluctance for costumes--you open yourself up to too many problems from scary costumes to inappropriate costumes to offending parents that don't want their children participating in Halloween and therefore excluding their children from a school-wide event...I just found it odd when I first heard. I mean, didn't we use to dress up when we went to school? Or am I just remembering wrong?

Anyways, Gabe and I had our own plans for Halloween--a follow-up check up with Dr. Rogers, the developmental pediatrician.

The main concerns we were bringing to her were:
1. Gabriel's complete and utter inability, even after 12 weeks of school, to sit or attend to any task without constant adult support.
2. His over-activity level that is getting increasingly difficult to control the older and stronger he gets; it interferes with his focus in therapies and at school. He gets so excited or overwhelmed that he can't control himself, which leads us to...
3. ....emotional instability and unpredictability, causing stressful and distressing time at home and at school. He tantrums and has meltdowns, bites, pinches, scratches, pulls hair, both maliciously and accidentally. We were at the point where we were having more bad days than good by far.
4. The still present (though improving) playing with his poop problem.

Do not get me wrong--I am absolutely not complaining. It is just hard to know what to expect, what is "normal" and abnormal, what we should be concerned about...I would personally rather bring it up to the doctor and have them tell me that it is nothing worth worrying about than just stay quiet and wonder. Usually it works out in my favor because they are able to give us useful insights to correcting the problem areas.

As it is, because he is so tiny we have limited options for correction. They prescribed him behavior therapy with a child psychologist named Dr. Ratheal, as well as a prescription for Trileptal. It is actually a seizure medication but it helps moderate his moods.

He started the Trileptal on Wednesday--he takes it twice a day, once in the morning and once at night--and thus far the only results we have seen is a huge upswing in his appetite. Apparently, it can make children ravenous, which means Gabriel is begging constantly at school and at home for food. It is upsetting because you don't want to tell him no, but you also don't want to let him eat and eat all day long.

We are seeing some more signing from him, specifically "all done" which can be an immense frustration because he will say "all done" because he wants to watch his show but Emerald is using the TV,  or he will sign "all done" because he wants to go inside while he is supposed to be enjoying outside time. (He will thank me when the weather gets frosty and he can't spend as much time out back as he used to.)

Emerald is still doing very well in school. She primarily plays with Faith and Caleb still; she has been begging me to let her play basketball but I am not really clear on where a 5 year old girl can go to play basketball. Fridays she cheers for the football team, looking so precious in her blue and yellow uniform. Rhonda says Emerald looks so disappointed that she doesn't get to cheer on the field though. More or less she gets all blue bears--when she does get all blue bears in a week, she gets a new charm for her charm bracelet and I let her call her Grandma Pat on Saturday for a chat. If she gets a yellow bear though, she does not get a charm and she is grounded from the DS and the iPad for the afternoon. Those seem to be motivating factors for her because she tries really hard to behave in school. Of course I understand we all have off days.

I am glad we put her in Pre-K instead of Kindergarten, but sometimes the material seems a bit easy for her. She is all ready sight reading a lot of words, can read and write all the numbers and letters, count up to 100, and spell several names. This is actually a good thing because that means she can focus on the things she is not so great at, including taking care of herself without mommy around, school protocol and rules and expectations, and being a good friend. They also teach her the Bible Stories and she just loves that.

Benjamin and I are getting along famously. In the mornings, we play together until he takes a nap, when I get to do my quiet time mommy things like crochet or read or play "Fallout 3". After that, we clean up before Daddy gets home for lunch, and then it's the afternoon and the older kids start coming back home, so we have Gabe's therapies and getting ready for dinner.

Benjamin can be a lot more tiring than either of the other two at that age--he is walking a lot sooner than they did; Emerald just liked to sit with me and read books, take long naps, and sing songs. Gabriel would sit in his swing all day if I would let him, only getting out to go for rides in the stroller--very serious, quiet baby boy. Benji runs and climbs and eats things; he has no patience for movies or TV or reading, always wanting to be on the go. In the nursery, he mostly likes to tackle the other babies to the ground, pull the girls' headbands or hair bows out, and slam doors.

He is just all over the place, but people just adore him. Wherever we go, we are getting compliments on how sweet he is, all the while he is smiling toothily and waving to the girls, trying to goad the men into yelling contests, and struggling to run free.

The other day I had to go to the bank to open a bank account for Gabriel; Benjamin slipped his stroller and went strutting, ending up with an entourage of nearly the entire floor of the bank following him and laughing at his baby antics. Without fail, I always hear the same thing: He look like a Gerber Baby! (Which, in translation means, "what a big fat healthy child!")

Michael is getting a lot of notice at work, both for selling Suburu like mad and for taking on the Herculean task of internet sales and managing, work intended for an entire team of people but is being fielded by him alone. I am so impressed and grateful for how hard he works, and that his work is not going unnoticed.

Not much other than that is going on really. I could tell you about what show I am watching (Jericho) or the books I am reading (Love in the Time of Cholera; The Drawing of the Three; Valeria's Cross) but the fact of the matter is...most of y'all come here to hear about the cute little Wearden children, not about the otherwise exhausted and lifeless drones that take care of them. And you know what? I can't blame ya. Those little sweethearts are my life's work, so I am infinitely more proud and interested in them than I am in static Andie.

Until next time (which I am hoping won't be quite such a long time as this one in coming), hope you are having a blessed and thankful November!

--Andie

News on Pepper

If any of you were wondering what is going on with Miss Potts:

Pepper came home Tuesday because her liver values were going down. She was given four medicines--one to continue to improve her liver function, an anti-nausea, an antibiotic, and a pill to encourage digestive movement.

All the way home, she was happy, sticking her head out the window to sniff at the wind with her big doggie grin. Her energy seemed better and she played fetch with Michael for a bit and ran around for a bit. We set out baby food beef which she lapped at, wet cat food which she tasted, dry dog food and doggie treats that went completely ignored, and a little spaghetti sauce. It seemed like she was on the mend.

She tired out very quickly and spent all afternoon, evening, and night laying in my chair. When I checked on her in the morning, she had thrown up all over herself but was too weak and tired to move out of it.

I called the vet who recommended bringing her back in. Though I love Pepper, I was hesitant because the last visit had cleaned us out financially, but she reassured us that they would work with us on the price and on payments, they just wanted little Peps to get better. So, Wednesday morning I took her back to the vet.

Wednesday they ran a barium dye test--they feed her dye and take x-rays over several hours to see how it is progressing through her digestive tract to detect any problem areas or blockages. It moved very quickly through her stomach but slowed down considerably in her lower intestines. By the next morning, it had finally moved into her colon but was not progressing significantly further. They gave her an enema to help her expel they dye, but it still did not completely vacate. This meant that little Pepper Ann had to go into surgery.

They were looking for potential blockages, specifically near her cecum (the dog equivalent of an appendix), but this would also allow us a look at the liver that had been irregular and the possibility of getting a biopsy. Because of the ineffectiveness of her liver she would have difficulty filtering out the anesthesia and waking up afterwards, so she was given anesthesia that humans are given that would not enter her liver at all and avoid that risk.

What they found when they got in there: intestines are supposed to constantly move, even when at rest, so when you see it, it is wiggling like a worm inside. Hers were completely still, not moving at all. Her liver did not look infected, but its levels are still high indicating irritation. The gallbladder was full of bile which had not been released, meaning it too was not doing its job. Bile can back up into the liver causing irritation and high ALT numbers; sluggish intestines can cause vomiting; liver irritation can cause intestinal discomfort...basically, every current problem could have caused all the others, which means we have no idea what started this whole thing rolling but her little baby organs aren't working properly.

On a more positive note, she is drinking water and her kidneys are beautiful and healthy; her stomach is shrunken from two weeks of little to no food, but it too is in good condition.

There was no blockage to be removed, which is both good and bad--the surgery gave us a lot of information but still not a cause for this rapid decline; if it had been a clear, tangible blockage, we would be able to remove it and start the healing process. As it is, we are still very unclear as to what is happening to our puppy. The current plan is: she is still hospitalized, being given heavy doses of medicines that are supposed to jump start her digestive tract. They are also force feeding her with syringes because her guts can't work until they start doing what they were intended to do--digest food.

Michael and I went and saw her this morning after getting the kids off to school. She looks miserable, in pain and emaciated with eyes foggy with pain and a long incision covering most of her abdomen. She is missing a great deal of fur from having been shaved for the IV and the surgery, and she is so cold that she can't stop shivering. Even despite all of this, she was so, so happy to see us (okay, to see Michael) and to be loved on; everyone there tells us how sweet she has been through this whole thing, what a darling she is to work with because she is so gentle-natured. Dr. Carruthers, the vet, is absolutely wonderful. She calls us with frequent updates, she is sympathetic and optimistic and hardworking, and she walks Pepper around and snuggles her because we can't be there too often.

She has lost a third of her tiny 15 lb weight (5 lbs, in case you were struggling with the math, lol) and because we still don't know what is causing this, we don't know if we are making progress or if she is just getting steadily worse and worse. I worry this is a stall at best, and that we are very quickly burning through our options.

To end on a happier note: at the vet's, we saw the biggest, most brutish cat I have ever seen. He was named Bob, apparently he had just wandered her one day and stayed, and he is bigger than a lot of dogs I have seen. Mike thinks I am crazy, but that big ol cat cheered me up.

Remy LaBeau, my orange tabby cat, had to be shaven today. He has let himself go, getting considerably overweight. Now because of either his physical inability or his general disinterest, he is no longer willing/able to groom himself. Cats have deodorizers in their saliva that prevents predators from tracking them or prey from detecting them, which means that when they bathe themselves, it removes odors from their fur....Rem stinks. It was gross, and it was embarrassing. If he will not groom himself, we are going to relieve him of the responsibility.

Groddy cat.

Keep Pepper in your thoughts. Poor dog doesn't deserve this.

School News, General Updates

I am hoping that before I finish this post, the vet will call with the results of the second blood test for Pepper. As of right now, the plan is: this is the 8th day since she has last eaten. We cannot perform a liver biopsy because the liver is needed to filter out the anesthesia and as her little liver is on the fritz, she might not wake up. The underlying cause of the problems are still unknown, but we are treating the symptoms. If her ALT level has decreased by at least half (down from 1900 to 950 or below) we will discuss bringing her home today. If it has not, she will stay in the hospital for the weekend.

No news on Aunt Darla as of now.

Just got off the phone with the vet (glorious part of writing a blog post is that it happens on your own timetable). Pepper took a couple of bites of turkey hot dog this morning and her mood is greatly improved. She still turns her nose up at most food, but her liver values have improved a good deal. Not quite enough to bring her home yet, but by Monday hopefully she will be all to the groovy. Hurrah!

Okay, moving on from the dog. The kids at school.

Emerald is doing just fantastically. When there is a change in the routine, like during Rylan's birthday "party", she can have a bit of a meltdown; a few minutes by herself in the hallway always calms her down and gets her to feeling better. To motivate positive behavior, we have started getting her a new little charm (less than $1 each) for her charm bracelet for every entire week that she gets all blue bears--no disciplinary problems at school. If she does have to move her bear, which has never gone above yellow bear (a note home and a short timeout during recess), then she and Daddy and I have a talk about why it wasn't okay for her to do that and she is grounded from technology like her DS for the afternoon.

Tuesdays I volunteer to help pre-k and the two kindergarten classes with lunchtime and recess--it just gives the parents a chance to see the kids during the day, get to know their classmates, and help out the teachers with some 30 odd kids. It is really sweet getting to see Emerald interacting with her peers, and they are some sweet, darling little children in her class.

Little rundown of some of the kids I have gotten to know: Keelyn is the artistic redhead that is Emerald's center partner; they paint pictures for each other, and she loves to pet Benjamin when I bring him with me. Caleb is the "bad boy" (he is actually very sweet, though he does have some behavioral problems) that gets along with Emerald like oil and water, but they can't seem to stay away from each other--he makes her feel better when other kids are not playing nicely, and she considers him her "best boy friend". Faith is Emerald's best friend. She is absolutely precious, with long dark hair and a big grin on her face every time I see her. She is a perfect match for Emerald personality-wise--kind-hearted and sweet with a bit of a dramatic, spirited flair. Every time she sees me, she gives me a big hug.

Lillie is a shy, timid little mouse that has been coming more and more out of her shell; Natalie is the petite blonde you can see being head cheerleader one day, but is sneaky and forever in trouble; Justice is the child that is having separation anxiety from his mommy and appreciates lots of hugs and reassurance whenever I am around. Rylan is the teeniest little girl you can imagine with black hair down to her bottom and big, soulful eyes; she has some hearing difficulty and wears hearing aids, and she is the youngest girl in the class--just turned four this month. Taylor is the tomboy that I can see becoming a doctor because she is concerned and compassionate but absolutely fearless. Andrew is the crazy cute brunette with the dimple; for those it is meaningful to, he reminds me of Joseph Forrest from Argyle (I keep directing Emerald to him, but she finds Caleb much more exciting!).

There are a few kids that I know passingly but haven't really spent as much time with: Reed, Garryt (who my only reference point for is that he refused to let Emerald play basketball with the boys and made her cry), Ashlyn, and Megan. The others will make big impressions by wanting you to push them the entirety of recess or carry them everywhere or want to tell me all about their homes and families; those others tend to be more independent and less interested in the stranger taking their trash at lunchtime.

The upside is that I am making friends as well. Carolyn (Taylor's grandmother) volunteers with me on Tuesdays; she is this spunky California girl whose daughter is getting her masters in child psychology, emphasis in autism while she works at the Burkhart Center. Hope is Faith's mom; Christy is Lillie's. Justice's mom talks to me every morning and Gabriel gives her hugs every time he sees her which is simultaneously baffling and awesome. It feels good to feel like I am finding my niche, becoming part of the community.


Yikes!! Enough about Emerald and her class all ready! I could go on for days. End story: our little princess is doing fabulous, having inherited the social butterfly trait from her Glo and her quick learning and enthusiasm for academia from...well, take your pick--we are all a bunch of nerds here. (No offense if you consider yourself cool. I am sure you are. What's not cool about a pocket protector?)

Moving on: Gabriel!

Gabriel is making some very exciting progress. First, his reports from school are improving significantly; they have become better and better ever since Ms. Reynolds returned from maternity leave. She is a joyful, energetic sweetheart of a woman and Gaby responds so well to her. There are still some issues arising--though he is now unable to kick off his shoes ever since we invested in the hightop converse shoes, he gets too excited and accidentally (but painfully) bites his aides and when he is frustrated, he is known to throw things, pinch, or pull hair. He bit one of his aides right on the boob last week and I have been racking my brain for the appropriate "I'm sorry my son bit your tit" kind of gift. (I assume a gift card from hooters would be in bad taste). We are working on him respecting people's personal areas and not getting aggressive, but in a weird way these are also considered improvements--though it is a negative form, it is an attempt at communication and trying to tell us how he is feeling and what he is thinking. All we have to do now is teach him the proper ways to express those thoughts, and we are groovy.

The second good news is that he is definitely showing signs of trying to communicate more. He will sign "more" or "please", "fish", "food", "drink", or "on". He hugs to say hi and blows kisses when it is time to leave, and has attempted (successfully, though not consistently, in most cases) verbal exchange--going back and forth with saying "okay" with me, saying "hi" when he gets off the bus, calling for "mama" or "dada", and labeling himself "gaga". Speech and OT are going so well, with him greeting Erin and Emily enthusiastically at the door and staying on task for most if not all the time.

With Emily (the speech therapist), they share snack first where he will sign "more fish" for more goldfish or "more cookie" for cookies; they put puzzles or Mr. Potato Head together using picture exchange and choices; then finally they sing "If You're Happy and You Know It". He cannot resist that song--even if he is pretending he is not paying attention, when it gets to stomp your feet or "hurray!" he can't stop himself from participating. Eye contact with Ms Emily is so great, and you can tell he really does just honestly like her. Which it would be hard not too--she is one of the most cheerful, positive people I have ever met in my life.

In OT with Ms. Erin, he practices picking things up with the pincher grasp, manipulating multiple items in his hand, pushing beans, paperclips, or fuffy balls into containers, fitting puzzle pieces in, crossing the mid-line of his body to accomplish tasks and use both hands productively, and buttoning and unbuttoning buttons. These are all tasks to improve his fine motor skills; we also discuss sensory issues--while he is not sensory defensive (freaking out if his hands get dirty, unable to stand the tag in his clothes, etc), he is incredibly sensory seeking (hand flapping, banging head on furniture, etc). To combat this, we try to give him a lot of sensory input, meaning spinning him, swinging him, deep pressure compressions, joint compressions, massages, running, jumping, pushing heavy objects, etc; we also give him exciting flavors in his food such as ginger, hot sauce/wing sauce, garlic, and lemon pepper as his overactive auditory sense seems to be drowning out his olfactory (scent) and gustatory (taste) senses. This just makes meal times more exciting for him.

The third and greatest of the news for Gabriel: It has been nearly a week and a half since he last played with his poo!!

This particular difficulty has been consuming all of my time and focus, causing a great deal of stress monitoring Gabriel every second, wearing special outfits, and cleaning and sanitizing (or if all else fails, throwing away) everything that he gets his fecal artistry on. It has caused considerable strain on both Michael and myself because he would do it as often as five times in one day, allowing me barely enough time to clean up the last mess before he would make a new one. With him being so demanding, I have had less time, energy, and patience left for Emerald and Benjamin. Michael would come home from work to find a wife on the edge of a breakdown, too sick to even contemplating making dinner, and have to take over cooking and cleaning and the children while I tried to rid my house of the awful smell and compose myself to face it all again the next day.

I know: super gross. That is an apt description of our lives these past few months.

Now that his communication is improving, Gabriel will now try his hardest to let us know that he needs to be changed. He will take my hand and place it on his backside, crawl into my or Michael's lap so that we are in a position to check him, dropping his pants in front of us, or set out a pull-up and wipes before leading me over there. When we can, we have him wear feetie pajamas backwards with the feet cut off so that it is difficult for him to take them off or get inside. I cannot tell you what a relief it has been to have that one less worry--for it to be okay for Gabe to go to his room and look at books while I change his brother or talk to Emerald about her day at school; to not have to worry every time I see a kid with a toy if it is clean. It has improved the harmony of our home a great deal.

Whoo, this is turning into quite the epic post. On to Benjamin!!

Ben and I have more or less quiet days. We do laundry, watch mommy's shows, and play together. He is still big on naps, which I am appreciating. On Wednesday so that he and I can get some socialization, I work in the nursery at our church during women's bible study. My first official week was last Wednesday; there were three of us workers in the room, which was good because we had 8 babies ranging from 4 months to 18 months. Benjamin of course was there--he was in some sort of competition with Kirby, a little boy who wanted to eat everything Ben was eating and who Ben couldn't stand seeing me hold. Two 7 month twin boys named Nash and Knox were set up in the baby swings and Benjamin liked to help me push them as they fell asleep. Cecily is a pretty 10 month old blonde baby that Benny likes to pet; Kinsley plays more or less by herself, but gets emotional occasionally. Eli had never been away from his mother before and he cried the entire time, refusing to calm down regardless of what we did. Eventually, he would just cling to our pants and shirts, begging to be picked up--to give us relief for the last 30 minutes, the director of the bible class came and walked him around. After that it was almost eerily quiet. The 4 month old was a sweet, smiley little girl that I honestly cannot remember the name of off the top of my head. She slept most of the time any way.

I think it is a perfect little outing for me and Ben every week.

Things are going well for Michael at work. He is having a good month selling, which should help when we get the vet bill. A cold front blew in three days ago, making it rainy and cooler, a big relief. With the stress of Pepper and Aunt Darla and everything, I have been suffering from a bad case of nerves--since Pep went into the hospital, I haven't eaten anything except cereal because it all smells too fragrant, and when I went to talk to Dr. Carruthers about Pepper, I started sobbing into the dog's fur, officially making all three of us uncomfortable. To combat this bout of the crazies, I have been praying, meditating, stretching and doing yoga, drinking herbal teas, listening to my favorite Ludovico Einaudi, and writing down my worries and putting them in a "God Box" so that I can give it over to God. Thus far, nothing has helped; I may need to go to the doctor and get medicine or a prescription for a massage (wonder if he will toss in a mani-pedi....for my health, of course).

I think I have probably said everything that you needed to know and a great deal that you didn't, so I am probably going to hop off right after saying this last thing: if you got pictures of Emerald and Benjamin and wondered why there was a suspicious lack of Gabriel....Gabriel finds getting his picture taken in a formal setting like that stressful and he does not sit still or listen, resulting in a frustrating, upsetting time for all parties involved. Since it was Emmie and Ben's birthdays, we went ahead and got theirs made; we also ordered some of Gaby's school pictures (though last years were an absolute disaster). Michael and I have plans of taking him by himself for his birthday, wearing him out first at the bouncy place in the mall first and stuffing him full of food, as well as setting up a game plan with the photographer in advance, so he will be unrushed, unstressed, and hopefully more agreeable.

Okay, so this took me like an hour and a half to write. I have to go and actually get things done now.

LOVE! Andie

Pepper Potts

As many of you know, we have a family dog--her name is Pepper Ann Potts, and she is a 4 year old rat terrier. We got her from the pet store I worked for because a careless child had dropped her, breaking both bones in her forearm, and she couldn't handle the stress of waiting to be bought while healing.

She is a sweet-natured thing, timid but excitable and very friendly. Occasionally gets into the trash or chews up something she is not supposed to, but she is great. 

After five days of refusing to eat anything--dog food, treats, baby food, hot dogs--and vomiting at night, we took her in to see the vet. The doctor said that Pepper was dehydrated, most likely from eating something she wasn't suppose to; we would give her 24 hours on fluids, antinausea medicine, antibiotics, and try to get her eating. 

When I came back up to see her today, she still had not eaten (making it now 6 days since she has last had anything, though the IV is keeping her okay) and was pitiful, shaking. The vet and I agreed to do some blood work and keep her for another day, see if we can figure this out. The results of the blood test came back very quickly--Pepper's liver function numbers are all elevated. One, the most alarming, would be considered high at 100...it came back 1900. For reasons we can't explain, her tiny little liver is not working the way it is supposed to. 

They are keeping her for for another 48 hours on fluids and medicine to improve her liver function, then will be retested Saturday to see if her numbers have improved at all.

Keep little Pepper in your prayers. I know she is just a dog, but she is my dog and 4 years old is too young for her to die. This hospital stay for her is going to be outside our budget, so Michael and I are stressing of how we will make it work. Just pray everything turns out okay. 

Continuing with prayer requests (a bit of a deviation from my norm, I know): my father's sister, Darla, is in ICU. I don't really know the details, just that her daughter found her and it is pretty serious. Though we didn't get to see her much as we were growing up after Mom and Tim divorced, Aunt Huck (as Amber, Jarrod, and I called her) has always been special and loved by us. She is a very sweet, special lady. 

More later...

--Andie

Labor Day Weekend and This Weekly Newsletter

Staring down the barrel of a three-day-weekend with the kids has me a little on edge, but it is that time again--the Wearden Weekly News!

Gabriel's first day back at PPCD was Monday. As I have mentioned before, his teacher Ms. Reynold's is out this week for maternity leave (as is his speech therapist) which means that he is with a substitute and his two Teacher Assistants, Ms Dora and Ms. Martha. The reports coming in have not been overwhelmingly positive. He has been pulling hair and scratching people, taking off his shoes, throwing everything he lays his hands on, and is very emotional, crying and fighting. He does not sit on his own at all at this point. The class size has shrunken to five little boys including Gaby, as the other kids were integrated into regular school or pre-k or did not return to the program. One teacher and two TA's to five kids makes for a great classroom ratio, so Gabriel will get lots of individual attention; more students may join later on in the year though.

Emily (the speech therapist) is still out on maternity leave, so we have been seeing Amanda in her place; there were no appointments this week as we readjust to the school year. Erin, the OT, came out on Tuesday and Thursday and will continue to see him as long as our schedules permit. Very blessed news: we got approved for SSI for Gabriel, meaning we will have a little extra funds to use for sensory items, specialized diet, medical or dental bills, or whatever comes up regarding Gabe. I think it will be so helpful.

Benjamin is going through his fussy, clingy stage. You would think spending all day alone with Mommy would be enough, but he is more insecure than ever, insisting on being held and rocked and cuddled nearly constantly, and wanting to share every game or activity or toy with me. It is not a problem--I like that he is so attached, but it can be a bit trying when he is tugging on my pants leg while I am trying to walk around or clamboring into my lap when I am trying to do something (like write a blog post). His teeth have been bothering him more than usual lately as well, which means that he cries and spits up more. Getting to be quite the chunky money, around 25 pounds, and we are considering switching him to a front-facing car seat because our car lacks the anchor points that make rear facing carseats so safe, leaving the seat a tad more unstable that I would prefer it.

Emerald's 5th and Benjamin's 1st birthdays are coming, and a lot of my time and brainpower has been devoted to planning that. I want it to be special because it is a big birthday from them both; part of me feels guilty because they each deserve their own party, but as their birthdays are a mere week apart (Ben's is the 4th and Emmie's is the 11th) and they are so little, it doesn't make a ton of financial or scheduling sense to do them separately. For those of you who are interested, the party is Sunday, September 9th at Ken and Rhonda's house; we are going with a Mickey and Minnie Mouse theme, and we are having pizza and cupcakes. I think it will be a lot of fun, I'm hoping the kids will enjoy it. As for what we are getting them for presents?? Heck if I know. I always leave these things until the last minute. I'm terrible.

Behavior at school for Emerald has improved this week. She still got a yellow bear on Wednesday and Thursday, but she understood what she did wrong, fessed up to Michael and me, and was very apologetic to us and to her teachers. Monday, Tuesday, and Friday she had no problems at all. If you are wondering: Wednesday she got into an argument with a kid that stole her place in line and kept pushing the issue when the teacher told her to drop it; Thursday, she clearly told Ms. Robins that she was not done playing on the computer yet and would not go back to her desk. A few minutes in the hall and she was right as rain again.

The issues we are seeing arising are caused by a general lack of schedule here at home. Oh, we do the best we can and have a general way our day progresses, but we have to allow for a certain amount of deviation because they are kids and because Gabe is Gabe, so sometimes we have to toss the schedule out to accommodate.

Michael sold very well at the dealership this month. He was one car away from his own personal goal, but he  has been doing such a great job these last several months, which makes him stress and worry less, which makes for everyone being happy all the way around. He had a Tuesday meeting this past week, which meant that he had his day off as Monday. I volunteer to help with lunch and recess at Emerald's school on Tuesdays, but I had to go in on Monday. The kids are all so well behaved and ate surprisingly well, which impressed me. The other parent there commented that it was odd that none of the kids that bough their lunch went straight for their ice cream like we thought they would, but ate their hot dogs and chips and vegetables first. It blew me away that in just a week and a half, these teachers were able to get these unruly 4 and 5 year old's so whipped into shape!

At recess, a kindergarten-er named Sarah took me by the hand and led me all around to introduce me to everyone, which was so sweet. I thought Emerald would find me too distracting, but as soon as I told her I had to help the other kids as well and couldn't keep giving her kisses and hugs every two minutes, she settled down considerably. She is well-liked among her peers; it seems as though she plays with everyone in the class, or at the very least gets along with them. The first week was all about Caleb; the next week, she played more with Natalie and Keelyn. I guess she is going to find where she fits in the best!

Reading through the school handbook, I saw that getting a cheerleading uniform and going to games to cheer makes for a pee-wee cheerleader. Darling Ms. Holly from Rhonda's work had a spare uniform lying around from when her precious little girl was younger, and so generously lent it to us...so now I have a little cheerleader! Tell me that is not just perfect for our little social diva.

Gabriel is still having some issues at home. We are having trouble with him playing with his own poo. It baffles Michael and me because we find it so repugnant, it is hard to understand why he would find it enjoyable, but honestly we would not get the same experience as Gabriel does. Gabe has a hypoactive olfactory sense, which means that he doesn't smell as super well because his other senses are too loud and drowning that one out. His feces doesn't smell bad enough for him to turn him off from playing with it, and it feels funny to squish it.

Horrific, I know.

-shudders- Anyways, the way we are working around that is insistence that he wear shorts or pants at all times even to bed, he is not allowed to go unsupervised especially in the backrooms, and making him take lukewarm (which to the heat-loving Gabe is horrendous) showers to wash after he is caught. Finger painting with washable crayola paints is a good alternative, as is squishing Daddy's shaving cream in the shower or squeezing play dough.

I apologize for the off-putting topic; I debated whether or not to include it, but my desire to record our lives as accurately as possible overrides my sense of propriety in this case, and I couldn't leave off such a major struggle.

Teeth-grinding and chewing his collar have also been issues for us of late. Gaby will worry the front of his shirt until it is riddled with holes, meaning we are having to buy new clothes every couple of weeks to keep him from looking awful (another instance where SSI is coming in handy).

To mark issues and problems as well as notes, questions and progress, what works, what doesn't work, likes and dislikes, I have started keeping a detailed log of what the children are doing (specifically Gabe). This allows me to look back and see what we need to address with the therapists or doctors and helps us chuck out the useless habits and focus on the things that are benefiting us. Hopefully we will be able to narrow down some triggers for tantrums or meltdowns as well, giving us the opportunity to prevent them or contain them in the future.

Friday (yesterday) as I was taking Emerald to school, I stooped down to pick the corpulent, rotund son of mine and felt just wretched pain in my back. I made an appointment to see my doctor who gave me another shot of cortisone and gave me a prescription for anti-inflammatories, muscle relaxers, and pain killers for continued back spasms. Just a sign of getting older and hefting around too much weight from the combined (and considerable) girth of my three sweet children. I will have a check up next week to see how I am feeling, and if it hasn't improved at all then I will have to get an MRI done, which is yucky and I don't want to do.

Beth and David Peacock moved out of town to take jobs in Midland, a sad two hours away. As it is a three-day weekend for them as well, they came and took me out last night to Applebee's for drinks and to catch up. It was so great getting to see them again, and Sarah Barber showed up to which made me realize how much I miss hanging out with my friends. Poor Michael works endlessly and his friends are mostly moved away and hardly come back to Lubbock any more. We have been making some friends at church; I am going to be volunteering in Cradle Roll as a teacher's assistant starting a week from tomorrow (the 9th, day of the party, lol) and as child care during a Ladies Bible class. It feels great to be working again, even if it is infrequently, and getting involved in a community.

I think that is all that is on my list to talk about, unless you want to hear the rant about how terrible Thursday was (trust me, you don't--I can go on forever), I will say--until next time!

--Andie

Weekly Newsletter

I should try to make Sunday the official "even if nothing is happening, I should toss an update up" day, hereafter to be known as the Weekly Newsletter!

We will go youngest to oldest as we started with Emerald the last post.

Benjamin is walking really well now; he still relies heavily on crawling because it is faster, and he can't step up like stairs or anything, but he is making very good progress with his mobility. Three new little teeth buds have broken through this week, making for a very fussy Benjamin who is clingy during the day and restless at night. He thankfully isn't having any serious symptoms like fever or vomiting or diarrhea, but he is using his grumpiness to the best of his ability so that he is held more, kissed more, and put in the playpen less. Curiosity and sociability are both strong characteristics--he can make friends with anyone and is forever on the go, exploring even where he is not supposed to (maybe deviously where he is not supposed to).

Gabriel starts back at school on Monday. His program provides breakfast and lunch, but he has to get on the school bus super early. The bus driver was quite kind and drove by to introduce herself and the bus aide that will take care of him in the morning. Meet the Teacher was last Thursday and Michael, Gabriel, and I went to that while Rhonda kept an eye on Emerald and Benjamin. It was a little stressful because they had meet the teacher for the entire school, they have inadequate parking (to put it mildly), early in the afternoon on a work day, and we were left milling about outside the locked hallway with hundreds of other people. Claustrophobic and unorganized, his teacher wasn't even present--she is on Maternity Leave until September sometime. All the discomfort was worth it when Gaby ran into his classroom with great joy, hugging the inclusion coordinator and touching all the things that he remembered like his locker, his chair, and his friend Peter.

Emerald is doing well at school. Ken went and spoke with the principal the day after Emerald was sent to see him; Principal Breaux said that they had talked about what she did wrong and why they have rules and better choices she could make in the future...he said he must have started going on too long because Emerald laid her head down on his desk and started snoring! Mr. Breaux said he had to take a moment to compose himself or he was going to start laughing. Emerald is such a stinker!

Other than that incident, she has has few difficulties at school. Ms. Robins said they changed her circle partner because they didn't seem to get along and her attitude has improved greatly since they did that. For now, we still use the prayer bracelet and I let her pick her shoes so that she won't want to kick them off. On Friday she got a "yellow bear" which means time out and a note explaining why; during library time, the teacher told her that it was time to go and she said "no" because she was not finished yet with her book. They said she was mega sweet before and after that, and she wasn't awful or rude, just told them that she wasn't done and refused to leave. After timeout, she apologized to Ms. Robins and when she came home she told Michael and me about what happened and promised she would try harder next time to make good choices and keep her blue bear.

I am currently getting a little more involved--I joined the PTFA (Parents Teachers and Friends Association) and volunteer once a week (the day Michael has off) to help Emerald's class with lunch and recess. At Monterey, our church, I am looking at volunteering as a teacher or an assistant for cradle roll/nursery and Michael and I signed up for small groups. We won't start going to service again until they have Heroes Children's Worship reinstated because it is a real struggle to keep Gabriel quiet under normal circumstances and the singing stresses him out. Right now, we go just for Sunday School class.

A few weeks ago, I spent four days hurting so bad I was living on acetaminophen and heating pad, so I went to the doctor. He said I was suffering from back spasms, likely from carrying around my chunko kids. He put me on some painkillers and muscle relaxers, and I seem to only have trouble if I am carrying loads of laundry or hefting a kiddo.

Michael is selling really well at work; everyone pray that he can get one more Suburu out this month which will help us with affording Emerald's and Gabriel's birthday parties.

In case you are planning on coming, we are looking to host it Sunday, September 9th at 4 or so at Ken and Rhonda's. Tentatively speaking, we are considering a beach-y themed pizza party, but we are keeping our options open as always to what we can pull together.

Not much else is going on at this time. Keep Amber in your prayers as she is having surgery on Wednesday to remove her gallbladder. Remember Jarrod and Dad as they are both following up on abnormal blood work, and Dad fell and hurt his ankle again.

Have a blessed week!
--Andie

First Days, Praises, and the Races Begin

I wanted to go back to the beginning of July when we went down to San Antonio and our adventures there, but I am tragically fuzzy-brained from exhaustion today (more on that later) so I am going to just start with recent goings-on's and come back to those more distant memories at a later date.

First! My eldest, the apple of my eye, my little Emerald. 

My apprehensions over Emerald's ability to handle kindergarten were growing exponentially as the first day of school approached. Ken and Rhonda volunteered to send Emerald to Lubbock Christian, which is incredibly generous--private school was something Michael and I thought we would ever be able to offer, but because of them it is a reality! Either way, school days were bearing down on us and my fears were not diminishing, so we began to consult all manners of experts from teachers/parents from the University to family members to the principal and teachers from the school trying to get a feel for how Emerald would cope. All throughout this process we had been told time and time again that the teachers would be more than capable of handling her regardless of her behavioral issues and that we didn't need to worry....

...but....

If we wanted to, Pre-K was always a good choice--worse comes to worse, we can move her up to kindergarten instead of her getting held back a year or moved down if she didn't thrive there. It would teach her how to follow and obey school rules and how to make and be a good friend, the things we were particularly concerned about. We knew she would be able to handle the schoolwork aspect of it; the daycare fiasco has made me a little gunshy about Emerald's behavior away from my supervision. 

Monday was Meet the Teacher night. Michael watched the boys while Rhonda and I took Emerald. There was a new-parent presentation that Em fidgeted through and then we went and saw her classroom, dropped off her school supplies, and met Ms Lindsay. Her teacher is Ms. Robins, but she was out of town for a funeral and Ms. Lindsay would be substituting until then and being an aide in the classroom for the rest of the year. 

Wednesday was her first day of school. We couldn't drop her off any earlier than 7.50 that first day, but 7.30 early care with Principal Breaux is available the rest of the time. We dressed her in her tiny little uniform--so adorable in a plaid skort, blue polo, and little maryjanes with a matching headband. She looked so sweet. I gave her the first-day-of-school present I bought her: a pink lunchbox and water bottle. I wish I had gotten a thermos but I reasoned that I was unlikely to send hot food, soups, or drinks that would make a $15 glorified cup worth it. 

Emerald has officially been going for a week now. Ms. Robins came back on Monday; she and I met Tuesday when I went to pick Emerald up and we had the discussion I had been fearing: Emerald was screaming and throwing fits, kicking off her shoes, and generally fighting the teachers. She was sent to talk to the principal. I was mortified, but we took her to have a good talk with Ms Boyer, then we talked about it and discussed better emotional outlets for when she is mad or sad or misses me, grounded her from the DS and iPad (I know, I know--kids today) for the afternoon, and finally prayed that God would help her make good choices at school. 

Today (Wednesday) we prayed and reminded her of what we talked about, then I gave her my prayer bracelet as a special reminder. She came home with a great report from her teacher and she told me that she put all her bad choices in the little prayer box on the bracelet and let them stay there. I was so proud! I know it is a long road yet, but it is good that she is recognizing what we are saying. She really loves school; we just want to make it as positive experience for her. 

Enough about her. On to Gabriel!

I have been doing a lot of thinking and praying recently--about the kids, about how we are raising them, what changes we could make to create a less stressful, more loving atmosphere at home. My bible readings have veered to Psalms because it feels like the place to get answers when you don't know where to go. I kept going round and round the same subject: how can I create an environment of tranquility when Gabriel is the embodiment of Chaos itself. Though his autism does not define who he is, it is a large part of him and a daily struggle for all of us at this time. Meditating on this for the last few weeks, I have arrived at a conclusion.

I am happy with who Gabe is. 

Seriously, I wouldn't change it. I don't know what parts of him are tied up in ASD and what isn't, and I wouldn't want to risk losing what makes him my Gabriel to make him easier to raise or more controllable. I feel like my whole life I have been training for this moment. God directs us all along our paths; I assumed my love for neurology and medicine and special needs would lead to a future as a pediatric neurologist. Now, I see that it led me to Lubbock Christian, to meeting Michael and falling in love and having Gaby. I've trained for it all my life and now God wants to see what I have learned. 

The song I sing to Gabriel best explains it (even if it kinda dorky): This is the Gabe that the Lord hath made; I will rejoice and be exceedingly glad; I will lift up mine eyes from whence cometh my help; when it's coming from the Lord, Great God Almighty it'll never fail. 

Mr Gabriel is going back to the Preschool Program for Children with Disabilities starting Monday. He is still at Preston Smith, the best special needs in the city from what I hear, and we have Meet the Teacher tomorrow to night (though that is misleading--Ms Reynolds is out on maternity leave and we will be meeting with the sub and the teacher aides and seeing the classroom). His Pawpaw buzzed his hair all off and he looks so clean and adorable now without that ratty shag he had going on. When school starts, he will still be seeing outside therapists four days a week--Monday through Thursday, and occasional Fridays--to keep the consistent, firm prompting that is most likely to encourage the changes we are so eager to see. 

Finally, after a few months of relatively pleasant nights, Gabriel's tolerance for his nighttime medicine has increased and the effectiveness of the clonidine has thus gone down. We kept going the course with the 2 mL a night hoping for the best, but after four weeks with no positive changes, we contacted Dr. Dalton. He re-ran the blood work we did last year to check his nutritional health (his pica worsened around this time with him consuming plastic tubing, seeking out candles, and gnawing on a ceramic decorative Easter bunny) and recommended we reinstate the melatonin at night. Give it a week; call back if it doesn't work. A week later, we call and they increase his dosage to 3 mL of clonidine a night plus 3 mg of melatonin. Please shoot a prayer that this works; options are limited for a 3 year old and we are burning through options fast. 

Lastly but certainly not leastly, my Benjamin! 

The very day that Emerald started school, I set him on the floor and Ben tottled from the couch to the brown chair. Feeling on a roll, he then walked to the entertainment center, over to my chair...by then, he had the hang of it and was wally-wobbling all over the living room. He is still quite unstable  (do you blame him? He's 25 pounds of pure chunkedy-chunk) and it really wears him out ( :-D), but he goes a little further, a little more stable every day. He walked for nearly a week before he would do it in front of Daddy though, the little stinker!! 

He has three baby teeth coming in which is putting him in quite the bad temper, but he is eating more than ever so we can't complain too much. Soon it will just be him and Mommy during the day and I bet he likes that a lot.

It is rapidly coming up on 5 and Michael will have to come home to a house littered with popcorn if I don't get up to straighten now. More later, I am hoping! 

--Andie

Sorry, Sorry!!

I am the worst in the world. I know I haven't updated in over a month. If it is any excuse, it's because I am absolutely wretched with technology--I broke my phone by doing exactly nothing, and now my laptop (borrowed, as my laptop broke earlier this year) has started regularly crashing. So I haven't had a consistent way of getting and staying online long enough to update the news. I am hoping to type fast enough that Ragnarok (my current laptop) doesn't have a chance to crash, hurrah!

What you have missed: our trip to Sea World, Meet the Teacher, back spasms, Emerald's first day of school, weekend in Abilene, Beth and David moving away. Not much else, really. Just the end of summer and our easing back into fall. The days are finally starting to feel cooler, and it's raining more frequently. It's actually pretty awesome. On crisp clear mornings after a night storm you can smell the stockyards, but otherwise it is ideal.

Once again, wretchedly sorry that I have not kept up with the blog. I hope to rectify that problem today! :)

--Andie

Our First Trip to the ER

I knew it was bound to happen at some point. Kids end up in the emergency room for one reason or another--sports injury, broken bone, stitches. It is just all part of growing up. Though I have been expecting it, I was hoping it would not be for a long time yet.

Alas, we broke our streak, ending up at the wee people's hospital last night:


For the last few days, I had noticed them going missing. Things go missing at our house with unsurprising frequency (what with three sets of tiny, clumsy hands about), so I dismissed the incident from my mind and never gave it a second thought.

Michael comes home after another long, hot, 100 plus degree day at work, so we sit down for dinner. Arguments with Emerald about finishing her corn, a completely uninterested Gabriel blatantly ignoring the plate before him, and a fussy Benjamin suffering from a sore throat and scratchy voice--a typical meal around our house, albeit frustrating.

After dinner, we settle in to enjoy the rest of our evening when we see Gabe chomping away on something concealed in his hand. The hopeful side of me thought he might have gone back for the supper we left out for him, the more realistic side knowing he had probably unearthed something less savory. His pica has prompted him to eat a variety of inedibles, from mud and chalk to board books and rolls of paper towels, yet we are still surprised at what he decides looks tasty.

What do we find?



In our constant efforts to give Gabriel a consistent form of communication, we have been pushing signing and picture exchange (pex). Our house is littered with pictures of snacks, drinks, and toys in places Gabe might be able to retrieve. A handful have magnetic tape on the back in order for them to stick to the fridge in a nice, easy, accessible place.

In Gabe's hand is one of these strips which he had been knawing on like it was a Laffy Taffy. There is less than a quarter of the strip consumed, but my mind flickered to finding the tiny pictures days before, stripped of their magnetic backing. My assumption had been that the tape had merely fallen off after years of usage, but now their absence was suspect. I curse myself for omitting that crucial little detail, knowing that he may have consumed up to three entire backings over the course of two days.

Michael nor I were overly concerned--if it is soft enough to chew, it is likely soft enough to pass without incident--but my overly-cautious nature prompts a call to poison control.

Poison Control is, unfortunately, a useful, friendly service that we have had to make use of in the past. Once because a child (though I don't remember if it was Emerald or Gabriel) chugged from a bottle of contact saline solution, the next because the toilet bowl cleaner made the potty water look like blue gatorade to Mr. Gabriel. Both times we had been instructed to give them lots of water, but that they would be fine, and I was looking for some reassurance again.

The very nice P.C. representative, Brenda, told me we had to take him in for an x-ray to see if the doctors had to remove the magnet. The thought there: more powerful magnets, if swallowed, will sometimes puncture the walls of the intestines or bowels trying to get back to one another. This is a piddly magnet at best, but she calls ahead to the children's emergency room so that we won't have a wait.

I am shell-shocked. Gabe eats weird stuff all the time--I wasn't expecting this to turn into a thing!

Michael drops us off at about 8, the time we generally administer medicine and get everyone into bed. To little Gabe, he has won the jackpot--not only has he gotten out of going to bed, but he is out on an adventure with Mommy all by himself!! He raps on the glass and waves to the receptionist, startles the fish in the fish tank, and plays with every toy available, all while I am trying to check him in. It is a quiet waiting room with just a couple of other families, no one who is wailing or overtly "sick". Everything is going better than expected.

We are called back for the initial registration, to get his weight and height, blood oxygenation level and blood pressure, and for me to explain why we are here. In the teeny room, Gabe runs amok--slamming his hands on the nurse's keyboard, ripping up paper towels, and flicking the light on and off. Attempts to subdue or distract him are met with utter disregard, and I am unable to offer him anything to eat or drink in case they have to retrieve the foreign object from his tummy.

Sent back to the waiting room, I put Netflix on my Nook in attempts to contain Gabriel's enthusiasm and call Michael to give an update. We are called back before his movie stops buffering--we move to yet another room, this time with a white hospital bed for Gaby to lay on, and I set him up to watch "Christmas Classics" with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

The nice x-ray tech brought a portable x-ray machine around, which was fantastic--Michael and I both worried about the logistics of getting him to sit still long enough to get accurate images, but these were so quick and painlessly easy that we only had to do one retake.

Dr. Harrera came in after looking at the x-ray results which couldn't have been more than 20 minutes, and told me that the magnetic stripping wasn't going to cause any problems at all, but Gabe was literally full of poop. He recommended giving laxatives and enemas until Gaby cleared out to make sure the magnet passed without staying in there too long. I was taken aback because we had changed Gabe right before we had left, and because I wasn't aware that the contents of his bowels would be evident in an x-ray image. Either way, we got discharged around 10 at night, a mere 2 hours after we had shown up (impressive for any emergency room). Today, we are keeping an eye on Gabe and trying to make him comfortable--he is rather exhausted from being too geared up to sleep last night.

SO! That is our rather dull and uneventful  first trip to the emergency room. All in all, not that surprising if you think about all the things the little guy attempts to eat on a daily basis. If I could afford it, I would hire someone to follow Gabe around all day and make sure he doesn't eat anything he isn't supposed to. Luckily for me, I saw the episode of Punky Brewster growing up where she was babysitting that kid and the kid drank bleach that was under the sink--do you remember that? Either way, I always remembered that episode and keep all cleaning supplies on a high, inaccessible shelf in the garage and keep the door leading to the garage locked at all times. It would have to take a rather crafty little fella to be able to get to anything sincerely dangerous.

It is nap time now, and after a ridiculously poor night's rest, I think I am up for a little nap myself. Goodnight, y'all!

--Andie

Mama Turns 25

This week, I turned 25!

We had to celebrate most of it before because my birthday fell on a Tuesday, which as you know means busy busy bees.

To cheer me up after news of Butters, Michael gave me my present early--a Nook Color, a tablet made by Barnes and Noble where you can read books and play games and get on the internet. I didn't know how I would feel about an e-reader because I am the kind of person that loves the experience of physically reading a book, but I am actually really loving it. There are lots of free books, mostly classics but there are some good contemporary ones too.

Saturday night, my friends Beth, David, Sara and Jason, and Sarah took me out for a fun night. We went to Freebirds, which is my favorite. I always get the spicy carnitas because they are so tasty, but now they have this poblano salsa that is fabulous--a little sweet, a bit of kick..it's great.

After dinner, we went and saw "Snow White and the Hunstman". It was really good. I wouldn't think that I would like Kristen Stewart after "Twilight", but she wasn't bad if you ignore her complete inability to close her mouth. The love interest was Chris Hemsworth (Thor)...and you can't help but thinking that Kristen, lovely as she is, is batting way out of her league. I half expected the enchanted mirror to tell Charlize Theron that the Huntsman was the fairest in the land.

Sunday, Rhonda and Ken had a party for me at their house. We got Buffalo Wild Wings--I got Hot and Garlic Parmesan, but they also had honey bbq, jammin jalopeno, and Asian zing. For dessert, we had a giant chocolate cake. It was a lot of fun, despite Gabriel's many escape attempts.

Tuesday comes around and starts as all our Tuesdays do: Occupational Therapy with Erin. She is working on Gabe's fine motor skills right now, mostly putting beads on pipe cleaners and drawing horizontal and vertical lines, stretching putty, things like that. Ken came shortly after to pick Emerald up and take her to Grannymom's house, which was good because Michael had wanted to go to the doctor's appointment but would likely have to keep the other kids while just Gabe and I went. With just the boys, we were both able to go to see the developmental pediatrician.

One of the rewards for completing the summer reading list was a coupon for a free kid's meal at Applebee's, so for lunch Michael took us there. Gabriel got chicken tenders and French fries, Ben picking at everyone else's dinner. Michael got the wonton tacos and a quesadilla burger, and I got a small shrimp and spinach salad and three cheese chicken penne. We normally avoid restaurants with the kids because Gabriel doesn't like crowds or noise or anything, but it was quiet and calm while we were there and it went exceedingly well.

At 1 we had our 6 month check up with Dr. Rogers, the developmental pediatrician. She is not the primary doctor for Gabriel, she just sees him for managing his development and autism traits. Our biggest concern was obviously the pitiful lack of sleep we are currently suffering from.

Dr. Rogers noted that we are shooting for around six to seven hours a night, which sounds pretty heavenly to  me and Michael--right now, we are getting woken several times a night, frequently staying up through the night.

She doubled his dose of clonidine from 1 mL a night to 2 mL a night, 1 mL at the onset and another 1 if he wakes in the middle of the night. So far, it has worked quite well. He is falling asleep around 9.30 every night and will generally stay asleep until 7 or so in the morning. It is a much preferable situation.

We also discussed our distress at lack of progress despite PPCD and therapies. Sure, there is minimal improvement, but he is still not talking or showing interest in potty training and still eats anything he can get his hands on. The doctor was not concerned, assuring us that it would take an entire year of PPCD before we saw significant change. She said that his tummy distress was likely from difficulty digesting fructose, the simple sugars found in fruits and juices. If we dilute his juice and cut back on his intake, we will see less issues in the future.

Finally, she recommended giving him a multivitamin to compensate for his dislike of milk and vegetables.

From the doctor's office, we left to pick up Emerald from Grannymom's house. They had a wonderful time together, doing exercises, making mudpies, and eating pistachio ice cream. A quick trip to the grocery store to stock up on essentials, and we are finally back home!

For an hour and a half. We got home near 4 and had to head back out at 5.30 to pick up Gabriel's medicine and drop Gabriel and me off for our Autism Treatment Study at 6.

This is the second time we have gone to the study to help the doctoral student work on her dissertation. This time we are in small groups, they have students playing with the kids while they talk to us about Child Directed Interaction (CDI), the focus of behavior modification in this study. We discussed the PRIDE skills--Praise, Repeat, Imitate, Describe, Enthusiasm--as well as what to avoid during these child-directed play times such as commands, questions, and anger. Ignore the negative behavior, end playtime if they get violent, but other than that you follow the child's lead.

It is all pretty straight forward stuff, though not asking questions is exceedingly difficult. We role-played to practice the skills, then were instructed to practice the skills throughout the week.

Beth has been helping me by following the same verbal rules, but it cracks us up because we sound like a storybook. "Gaby wants to go. Gaby wants to go on the swing. Gaby is swinging on the swing." It is so stilted and unnatural, but we are putting forth honest effort for the sake of the study.

And just like that, my birthday was over. It was a good one, I was pleased--it was nice that we had a good day in this week. Because of his general rowdiness, Gabe and I were asked to leave story time at the library, and Emerald screamed bloody murder when we took her out afterwards. At night, there have been lots of thunderstorms, which is so very nice. It has been up and down for us the last few days.

--Andie

My Dog Butters

My first job was as a waitress at Big League Burgers. It was a tiny restaurant in my tiny hometown, and I was a senior in high school.

One day, a friend of mine from church came in to eat, telling me about a couple that were selling miniature cocker spaniel puppies at the gas station, lamenting that she didn't have the money to buy one. Being much more of a cat person (and having never personally owned a dog, merely claiming the family dog), I smiled and nodded and finished work. Mom came and picked me after my shift was over, noticing on the drive home that there were indeed puppies for sale. Mom is a sucker for cuddly little animals, so we stopped and looked them over. I stockpile money, being quite frugal, so I had enough tips on me to buy one. 

Honestly, I don't know what was going through my mind when I picked up the only golden puppy they had. The rest were sleek and shiny, with black fur and intelligent eyes. This little guy stood out like a light, big green eyes, a stocky body, and a piggy snort when he breathed. I think at the time I thought Mom wanted him but didn't want to spend the money, especially not on another pet without discussing it with Dad first. Mom loved cocker spaniels, had had one in high school and then another a few years before that was tragically hit by a car as just a teeny puppy. 

One way or another, we were driving home a few minutes later with a fat, squirmy puppy in my arms.

He was AKC registered, but what I didn't know at the time was that you should always be leery of dogs breed to be "miniature". The runts of the litter may be adorably petite, but they carry the worst pick from the genetic grab bag, and there was one health problem after another. He got cherry eyes immediately, and his ears were prone to infection. His belly hung only a quarter inch from the ground and his legs were just a few inches long each. Every summer, he would have to be shaved several times and kept indoors because all that wavy yellow hair was too hot for the Texas heat. Probably the worst thing was his breathing--snorting, grunting, wheezing, rattling gasps for air, like a overweight pig of a man continuously snoring every second of every day. His whole body worked at drawing a single breath, and you could hear him coming from a mile away.

But he was a sweet dog. A genuinely sweet, intelligent, loving animal that tried hard to overcome his rather goofy packaging. 

On his registration papers, he was Pope Dickens. I liked the formality and that it sounded like an English punk band. Informally, he was Butters, so named after a character in the cartoon South Park (a show I enjoyed at the time but subsequently found horrendous and disturbing). Kind of the butt of family jokes, my little pig of a dog with the stubby little legs and raspy, rattly snuffle.

Butters died last night. He had a heat stroke because he is an overly furred animal in the most inhospitable of states. He was young, only 7 or 8 years old, too young to go yet. While I am used to burying pets (my tragic luck with animals is well documented), it sucks to have to say goodbye to my old friend. 

--Andie--

Yesterday Was Tuesday

Yes, you reply. Good job, Andie--you know your days!

Tuesdays are, as you know, our Mike days. They are also the busiest days of the week for us because that is where we ram all the doctors appointments and errands and general "around town" sort of business.

The start of the week was rather hard as Gabriel had a rough start and our day had trouble getting off the ground. I used this time to make all my requisite phone calls.

At the end of April, I had received a letter from the Department of Health and Human Services that rather baffled me. As I did not at the time have a moment to puzzle it out, naturally it got chucked in the "Drawer of Important Papers" (more aptly referred to "The Drawer of Crap I Will Never Look at Again") and remained out of sight, out of mind until just recently. I happened across it again this weekend and perused it much more carefully than I had before, managing to extract some meaning though not in it's entirety.

You see, this was a letter offering us a social worker.

My knowledge of social workers extends to "people that take your babies away", so my initial reaction was confusion and fear; the letter itself, however, was quite pleasant and not at all indicative of baby-snatching. But I am making much-too-much about a phone call that lasted less than ten minutes. The end result was that my curiosity was spiked so I called the contact listed, who was a very sweet and pleasant lady that was happy to explain the purpose of a social worker.

Basically, when Early Childhood Intervention ran out, I was left rather guideless and befuddled. There were so many voices, offering advice, pointing us in every which direction of how to get Gaby what he needed. I am ashamed to admit, feeling overly taxed, I simply enrolled him in PPCD and left it at that for the time being, the bare minimum I could do.

If we want, we can request a social worker to help navigate through all this mess--figure out what, if any, government programs could benefit him, explain paperwork, locate respite or therapies or specialists or supplies if we don't know where to begin looking. The way Ms. Lara put it was, "we are here so you don't have to go through it alone".

We set up a time for someone to come out and talk to us, and if it turns out that we don't need it then at least we explored the option.

Also among my many Monday phone calls was to Dr Killeen, the doctor that delivered all my babies. I needed to make a yearly appointment with him, but also to ask for the nurses advice--since I had been pregnant the majority of the last five years, I haven't bothered getting a general practitioner. I just always went to Dr. Killeen. Now with my 25th birthday coming up next week, I figured it was time for a check-up, particularly with my disposition for hereditary unhealthiness.

They recommended Dr. Hale, who has a nice little office on the fancy side of town, so I make an appointment for the next day, Tuesday.

Our first appointment with the new Occupational Therapist (OT) started Tuesday morning at 9, but I was running a little behind so Erin (the new OT) showed up while we were still bunched around the table eating pancakes. Gabe did remarkably well interacting with Erin--they played with playdough together, then putty. They also practiced writing horizontal and vertical lines and circles; Gaby would mimic the horizontal lines, but not the vertical or the circles. He was happy to color though, and demonstrated great dexterity by stripping a crayon of its wrapper. It doesn't seem like much, but he stayed focus and engaged for the entire 20 minute session.

After OT, I got us all dressed and we waited for Daddy to come home at 11. Michael got a little bonus money so he drove me by Hastings to buy a new book for the waiting room of the doctor's office. I love Hastings, even more so than Barnes and Noble, because I got 6 books for $3. They are used, but good and in good condition.

Michael dropped me off at my doctor's appointment and took the kids back home to eat disgusting Burger King (they mayonnaise everything) while I did my thing.

As this blog (and anyone with a hundred yards of me) can attest, I have been under a great deal of stress the last year or so. I have thus far been dealing with it as best I can, with a combination of prayer, cleaning, and mommy time-outs, but the truth is, I have been floundering. My temper is always simmering just beneath the surface, ready to explode over the tiny little nothings that make up my every day life. Limited sleep was further punctuated by insomnia, my self-esteem was in the toilet, and Michael being delayed fifteen minutes from coming home could send me into a tailspin of tears, anger, and inactivity that would ruin the rest of the day.

I had more or less resigned myself to feeling this way because it felt like a reasonable amount of stress, given our circumstances--to be expected of a stay-at-home mom with three under 4, one of which being special needs. Never-the-less, I mentioned it to the doctor just in case.

He was kind and compassionate, saying that my body was probably still trying to right itself after the hormonal ups and downs of so many consecutive pregnancies, and so prescribed me a pill to raise seratonin levels, help even me out a bit more. He also gave me pills to help me sleep if I need them, though they won't knock me out to where I can't hear the babies. Another appointment in two weeks will tell if they are having the desired effect; so far all I have felt is quite nauseous, as I am woefully pitiful when it comes to taking medication.

Because of family history, they ran blood work to check my thyroid, my cholesterol, and my insulin/sugar levels. I wasn't expecting anything to show up on that front, but better safe than sorry you know. I get the call today--my cholesterol levels came back high, so they are starting me on medication to get it back under control. The nurse said that it will probably be all right in a couple of months.

Being the little nerdlet that I am, I researched all I could about high cholesterol after she told me. As far as I can tell, I am not entirely why I got the numbers I did. I only eat lean meats, whole grains, and low-fat/fat-free dairy products; no trans-fats at all. I don't smoke, I am not overweight. The only two issues could be my lack of formal exercise (worn out enough as it is chasing three kids around), and my family history.

Anyways, they called in a prescription for us to pick up later, and hopefully we can get this under control with more strict diet, increased physical activity, and medication. I am a little peeved since I go out of my way to eat healthy, but it is nothing I can't handle.

After my very productive doctor's appointment, we ran by the grocery store to pick up a few little things and got about an hour and a half's rest before the Autism Treatment Study at 5.

A Texas Tech doctoral student is writing her dissertation on autism treatment and needed parents of autistic kids between the ages of 3 and 7 to come in and talk about how stressed they are. Heck, I can do that. So I sign us up and the very first one was Tuesday.

On the way to the study, we stopped by the library to drop off the kids' Summer Reading Logs. If you read 25 books, you get a special little goodie bag and they put your name up on the wall. We knocked 25 out in less than a week, so I returned the logs and got the goodie bags for the kids, which had a stuffed animal, whistling Frisbee, binoculars, crayons, and a bunch of cards for free kids meals or ice cream at different places in town.

Michael dropped Gabriel and me off and kept Benjamin and Emerald while we were gone. The lobby had a fish tank with a big pirate ship in it, and Gabe just loved that. He was in such an amiable mood all day long, I was feeling rather pleased.

Lindsay (the student) called us back and went over what was going to happen with us. First, I wore a bluetooth headset and played with Gabriel alone while she prompted us. All she really said was that I was to let him lead the play, meaning not to direct him toward anything. I don't know if she got what she needed because as soon as I got down on the floor, Gaby wanted to push me to lay down so he could lay next to me or sit on my stomach or have me lift him up. He showed little to no interest in the toys around him, just wanting to interact with me, play with me.

After that, she tried to do some vocabulary tests with him while I filled out paperwork about things Gabe could and could not do, my stress level and how I was feeling in general about being a parent, how much time I spent with him...things of that nature. It went by very quickly and smoothly, and we were out within the hour.

Now for the next four consecutive weeks, Gabe and I will go for 2 hours every Tuesday and interact with the groups of moms and kids that have signed up for the study as well. I think they are hoping to reduce our stress levels or improve our ability to correct inappropriate behaviors or something, I wasn't paying the strictest of all attention. They are all nice though, and I think it will be good for us to participate.

After making a quick stop by Barnes and Noble to turn in a third reading log (Emerald got a free "Fancy Nancy" book out of the deal), we got home finally about 7 that night. It was taco Tuesday, but none of us really felt like eating. The kids did well, but I got to feeling quite piteous from a tumultuous tummy, so I spent the rest of the night sulking about after the kids went to sleep, only to be awoken at 1 in the morning and staying up the rest of the night with the night owl Gabriel.

Speaking of, I am dangerously close to nodding off now, so I am going to take a nap while all the kids are still sleeping. Till next time--

--Andie

Emerald Quotes (June 2, 2012)

Me: Emerald Renae...3...

Emerald -runs off screaming- Run Gaby! Mommy counting 3-2-1 and when she get to 1 she gonna...

-long pause- Mom!! What come after 1!! 

Me (yelling back): Horror!

Emerald, to Gabe: Yeah, she gonna WHORE!

Emerald, grabbing my hand in hers: Mommy, will you marry me? 

Me: Negative. I am married to Daddy.

Emerald: It will be okay; you can marry me and daddy can stay and work.

Emerald, affecting a tough guy attitude: You see that over there, mommy? That's my Dora hog. That means motorcycle. 

Emerald: How are you, Mommy?

Me: I am doing good, how are you?

Emerald: Oh, I was just asking to be polite. Do you know where the crayons are?

Emerald: Mommy, when you were big and fat and pregnant, you weren't even gross.

Emerald (looking a pregnant profile picture of me): Is that Daddy's body? 

(not flattering for either of us, lol)

Emerald decided she wanted a baby sister, but after great consideration informs me that she deserves the best sister, and the best is Lily. She is trying currently to convince me that we need to kidnap Lily and bring her to live here and be Emerald's sister.

--Andie--

Priorities

I have been feeling a bit morose this week.

My best friend Erika is coming home today. She has been halfway across the world in Indonesia with the Peace Corp for the past two years. For months, I have been planning a trip back to my hometown to visit with family, get some time away and peace in the country, but most importantly to catch up with my very dear friend. She hasn't even gotten to meet Benjamin, and the last time she saw Gabriel he was just a few months old.

The time comes...and I am still here in Lubbock. I am waiting--waiting until after Gabe's private speech and occupational therapies start for the summer; waiting until after the autism treatment study that Gabe and I are taking part of'; waiting until after the summer appointment with the developmental pediatrician to talk about medications and diet restrictions and weighted blankets and referrals to other specialists.

I keep postponing the trip, pushing it to a later and later date, but my ever-increasing fear is that I am going to keep waiting and waiting and the moment will never come.

The reason I have been so down lately is not about the trip. It is the dawning realization that for my little family, our center of gravity revolves around Gabriel and his needs.

Michael and I both knew when we received the diagnosis that things were going to be tough, and that caring for Gabriel was going to require a great deal of our time, energy, and patience. We accept this as a fact, but I don't think until recently we fully grasped the implications. We understood the concept though the reality of it has been a bit harder.

What makes me feel the guiltiest is how this is affecting Emerald and Benjamin.

Like other families, we want to go out and do things together--go to the drive-in, eat dinner in a restaurant, take the dog on a hike out on the park or have a picnic...the entire scene changes when you add Gabe to the mix, though. Public places, loud noises, big crowds, bright lights or colors, changes in weather...anything can and will set Gabriel off, and we are left cutting outings short while wrestling a screaming, panicking toddler all the way to the car.

On Monday, the Peacocks took the kids and me to Jump'n'Jungle while Michael was home sick and resting. The first hour was fun, with one other family there we had the run of the place almost to ourselves. When we made a quick stop by Barnes and Noble, the heat and stuffiness that was merely uncomfortable for the rest of us became unbearable for Gabe. He started panicking, thrashing about, screaming, hitting me and himself and fighting as hard as he could. We were forced to cut our trip short, preventing Beth and David from getting lunch.

Thursday we all needed out of the house, so I loaded the boys up in the big double stroller and we went out for a walk. It was about 10 minutes later, standing on LCU campus, that I realized we had absolutely no where to go.

If I had just Emerald and Benjamin, the possibilities were endless. While Gabriel was in school, we would walk to the library to check out a few books and stay for the preschool story time; we would walk down to the park and feed the ducks and swing and slide and run and play; we would walk to the store and buy food for a picnic, or go visit Glo at work, or walk to Dairy Queen and share an ice cream sundae. If we were bored or restless, we could just get up and go and do something, have an adventure, or just get out of the house.

With Gaby though...I have to be constantly vigilant, able to drop everything and take off running after Gabriel if he gets overwhelmed and runs away. If he has a meltdown, it takes all my strength and concentration to wrangle him away from the situation. He is only about 35 pounds, but he is surprisingly lean and strong, and when he is in meltdown mode, he can and will hurt himself or anyone around him without ever meaning to.

A common misconception is that an autistic child is just throwing a temper tantrum. Nothing could be further from the truth. A tantruming child is one that is seeking to manipulate--they are in constant control, and they regain their composure as soon as they get their way. It is a power trip and they revel in having that power over you. They are directly trying to illicit a response from their caregiver and though they will threaten and you may worry, their sense of self-preservation will prevent actual physical bodily harm.

When an autistic child has a meltdown, however...it is scary. They have genuinely lost all control. They will hurt themselves or others, because they do not have the ability to regain their composure on their own--they are scared, because they have no control over it, and they desperately want to calm down. They can learn to identify triggers and be taught how to head it off before it begins, but it is not something they inherently know.

So, we are out on this walk and we can't head to the park or the library in case Gabe has a meltdown or decides to run off, because I cannot abandon Emerald and Benjamin if something happens. As we wandered the streets near our house trying to find somewhere to go, something to do, Gabriel started straining against the harness of the stroller. Putting his feet on the sidewalk and pushing with all his might, he began yanking at the buckle binding him down, screeching and fighting. With Benjamin still buckled in, I tried picking Gabe up to soothe him, but I don't know whatever he had seen or felt that had bothered him or if it was still affecting him. We were stuck there on that sidewalk, Gabriel thrashing and tossing his weight around, smacking his head and eyes and striking me wherever he could reach, for nearly ten minutes. I tried bribing him with drinks and snacks to no avail.

When I finally did regain some measure of control over the situation, we promptly turned around and headed back home, depressed that even a simple walk was beyond our capabilities.

Before anyone says or thinks it: what would my ability to drive change a thing? I could get them in their carseats and start driving...and still have absolutely nowhere that I could take all three kids. We would burn gas that is $3.10 a gallon (I write specifics because it is going to be interesting to see when Emerald starts driving and it is $7) tottering around town, completely unable to get out anywhere. Admittedly, we could get fast food snacks, which I barely tolerate as is. Eating out is a costly venture which we don't get to do that often, and when we do we generally get fast food with Daddy and bring it home because we can't brave a restaurant with Gabe.

I am not complaining. As I said, we knew this would be hard when we started out. Just lately, as I struggle to adjust to having all three kids all day every day again, a bit of melancholy has set in. I have been a bit of a sad sack lately, and I am searching for some sort of solution, relief from this issue that plagues me. 

A rather depressing entry, I will admit. I apologize and assure you that the next one will be full of cute babies and fun adventures and silly anecdotes.

--Andie