As explained in the previous post, this is actually an introduction to a series of posts about “Why I Love My Children: What I Love about Gabriel”. I began writing this particular post because I was sliding down a very slippery slope. You see, I was seeing Gabriel as what he was not. With all the focus lately going toward his oddities and peculiarities, to what he was unable to do, all the behaviors that were so worrisome…my view of him was becoming skewed and distorted by fear for the future. Cassie—his speech therapist—saw the strain that was weighing on me and encouraged me to make a list of things that I love about Gabriel, the things that he is great at. This is where these posts all started. I found when I started writing about how much I loved my little man, I couldn’t stop. There is so much that is beautiful about him—he was fearfully and wonderfully made after all (Psalms 139: 14). Anyways, once again—I hope you enjoy these posts. J
Why do I love Gabriel?
That seems like a no-brainer to most people. They will say that I love him because I am his mother—it is as natural as breathing, a compulsion I could no more control than the ever-present wind. Simply put, I love him because he is my son.
But you see, I disagree.
Narcissism and nature will only get you so far. It will cause you to protect the fetus as he grows inside you; to push you through the physical pain and trauma of childbirth.
When you are faced with this tiny, demanding, inexplicable creature—when he goes from being an abstract dream to being a real, live human being with a personality all their own—the whole dynamic of your relationship changes. Similar to the way it happens when you fall in love with your spouse: the glamour of infatuation wears off and you are stuck with the gritty reality of who they are, for better or worse. The best you can hope for is that when the dust settles, that stranger in your house is someone you think you could live with for the rest of your life.
Gabriel had a head start with me though. You see, I had met and fallen in love with his big sister all ready. We had been through that transitional period where we are unsure and insecure and had come out the other side, completely and utterly taken with one another. When Gabe was born, I knew that if he was anywhere near as beautiful and amazing as Emerald is, I wouldn’t be able to resist tumbling head over heels for him.
That was nearly two and a half years ago, however. Two years of observing the minute details of his personality, his quirks and peculiarities. Two years of the nagging doubts, sleepless nights, and paralyzing fear, knowing in my heart that there was something amiss with my little boy and needing to know the answer, but terrified where our searching would lead. But most of all, two years of spending time with him and watching him grow and falling hopelessly and irreversibly in love with his heart, his mind, his soul….with who Gabe is. All that observation, and I still think he is one of God's greatest creations, and certainly one of the most amazing things that has ever happened (or will ever happen) to me and Michael.
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