Poor Gabriel is emotionally beginning to cling to me more than ever; he is fussier and lays awake late into the night. He can tell that something is coming, but he lacks the words to understand exactly what life has in store, and it frightens him.
Emerald is more sensitive than ever. Today she cried at nap time, asking when Daddy was coming back home. She is very concerned that she be beautiful, a pretty girl, and that people see her that way, becoming distraught when Cassie (the speech therapist for Gabriel) was coming over because she wasn't happy with her look. It is actually quite heart-breaking, trying to convince her that she is gorgeous, to help her see what Michael and I see--that she is the most amazing girl, inside and out.
Little changes I think they will handle okay.
For example, the next time we go to the doctor, it won't be Dr. Stripling, but Dr. Dalton....but I don't think it will make a significant difference to either of them, because Gabriel has met with so many different physicians over the last year that I would be surprised if he recognized Stripling anyway.
Today was Cassie's last day--as of Friday, we will be meeting with Julie for Gabriel's speech therapy. But we are going to keep being friends with her even though she won't be coming over every week any more, so it's not like we won't see ever see her again. He may take a while to warm up to Julie, but that is not a major deal.
In a matter of weeks, Emerald will begin Head Start and Gabriel will start at Bright Horizons. Gabriel went to BH all last year and goes to church in the same building, so he will get right back into the swing of things, especially since it is only 2 days a week. And I am guessing that Emerald's reading "Getting Ready for Preschool" book every day for the last month and because she will adore going, it will make her ridiculously happy.
Obviously there is the big change that we are dancing around. Neither of the kids are going to take well to having a new baby in the house. Crying during the night, taking away Mommy and Daddy's attention, people coming over to see the baby, sharing toys....it is not going to be either of their favorites. But we will help them cope. We are reading Social Stories about Mommy going away and coming back with a baby until they get used to the idea; and when they realize that we don't love them any less just because we have a new little one, they will be much happier with the arrangement.
I worry I wasn't sensitive enough when Gabriel was born for Emerald. We didn't really bother explaining anything to her; she went from sleeping every night since she was born in my arms to Mommy suspiciously disappearing for three days...I worry it did damage to our relationship, and that may be why she is not as close to me. But she has always been much more independent than Gabriel; she could always take me or leave me and not give it a second thought. She didn't even seem that excited to see me when she visited me in the hospital. I worry that I just assumed at the time that she was going to be okay, but she really hasn't been and that she is still hurting for more attention and affection from me. Maybe her and I will start a girly day every week where we watch girl movies and paint our toenails, eat chocolate, and just spend time with no boys. Just because I am not the most effeminate thing on the face of the planet doesn't mean that Emerald needs to suffer for it. Maybe we could invite Glo and make an event of it =)
Today, I actually got a surprising amount of things accomplished. Michael is frustrated with me because I don't want to make decisions lately....but I feel in charge of so much that it exhausting and overwhelming and I want to abdicate responsibility. Which of course is completely selfish and unrealistic, but I have been leaving things just unhandled so that I don't have to concern myself.
Anyways, Mike put his foot down--he doesn't want me pulling that crap any more. So I got up this morning with the intention of getting as much accomplished as possible without physically wearing myself out.
The first thing I did was called Bright Horizons and finished getting Gabriel enrolled, plus Emerald as a back-up, and to clarify that Benjamin would likely enroll in the Spring. They would like some guided direction for Gabriel's care, but honestly I think they will be more than fine--they have taken such good care of our kids for years now, and worked amazingly well with Gabriel last year, that I don't really think they need much direction.
We will explain about the fits that he has--the laughing, the staring, and the crying--and how to best handle them, emphasizing that even Michael and I are fairly impotent against them. We will pass on the suggestion from Dr. Driskell that he be encouraged to play with other kids, but that it be okay if he doesn't, highly praised if he does. The sensory issues and the running off, things of that nature we will bring up, but I think them figuring out what works out for their class and what works for him will be best. The only reason we are mentioning anything to his daycare is because we don't want them to think that he is a bad kid or a trouble maker--I also don't want them to think of him as callous. He's really not. He is incredibly sensitive and wants people to like him and play with him, he just doesn't know how to engage.
Anyways, Michael dropped off all that paperwork for me this afternoon so that is resolved.
I also called my doctor's office and rescheduled one of my appointments. Sometimes I accidentally overbook ourselves; this time, I was having trouble moving this appointment because Dr. Hales is always full up, but I got a good appointment time for next week right after my Dr. Killeen. This week I need to see Dr. Killeen so that he can tell me when I am having this baby--I am hoping for a strong, firm date, which I haven't been offered yet.
Then I called Head Start to set up an appointment for tomorrow to finish the paperwork for Emerald's enrollment. It was actually quite frustrating because the receptionist told me that they would call me back and they never did. When I called back with the same request as before, I got attitude from her saying there were no appointments available and that I probably cost Emerald her place in Head Start...they were supposed to get back to a month ago and they didn't! Anyways, when they called back I was informed they had appointments at 8.30, 10, 11, 1...in my head, I am seething because there appear to be a ton of available appointments, which means the receptionist was trying to hassle me =/
So I got that all set up, and Emerald is almost fully in Head Start! It will be a very good program for her =)
I had two more phone calls after that, the most exhausting and time consuming of all those I had made today, but I got appointments with those as well, which is really giving myself more work in the long run, but they will benefit the family I think.
The kids and I cleaned up a bit and made pizza and hot wings for lunch...they were quite delicious, but I forgot how much more susceptible to heartburn. Nap was miserable. I needed a nap very much but was unable to get one because Emerald refused flat out to sleep. I am still pretty angry, but it was her bad choice to make.
That's our discipline program right now--Good Choices and Bad Choices.
Good Choices result in rewards, such as praise, money, privileges, special treats, and Mommy and Daddy being happy. We talk about what good came from the Good Choice, like if Emerald shares with Gabriel, then we point out how happy she made him and how they don't fight and how he shares his toys with her then. Bad Choices result in punishments, such as swats, time-outs, toy time-outs, privileges being taken away, and hurt feelings. If Emerald makes the Bad Choice to not take a nap, we point out that she is cranky and sleepy for the rest of the day, that Mommy couldn't take a nap and is sleepy and cranky and unhappy, and that Gabriel gets juice for snack but she has to water. Little things like that.
It actually works pretty effectively--a temper tantrum results in leaving the store, so why would she want to make the choice to leave the store?--but the finer points of it may be lost on Gabriel. We are working on it.
Sorry if I am growing a little incoherent. Mommy actually really needed that nap today. Yesterday both the kids refused to take a nap, so I missed out there even though I was falling asleep at the helm (so to speak). We tried to put them to bed early, but Emerald refused; Gabriel took a miniature 30 minute nap and was then up until 11.30. I finally get everyone asleep and sneak off to take a bath to help my back feel a bit better when I hear a faint knocking at the door. Gabriel was laying outside the bathroom falling asleep on the floor waiting for me to lay down with him. He then proceeded to lay awake next to me until past 3.
As I said earlier, Emerald refused to take a nap at nap time, so here I am more exhausted than ever, eyelids drooping and realizing that this is probably just good preparation for the sleepless nights ahead.
But I did at least get a great deal accomplished today. We had our last Speech Therapy today with Cassie; I am really going to miss seeing her every week. But I am happy for her that she is having a baby and that she is able to take the time off to be with her little one. Not all mothers are that lucky, I know.
I think I am rambling at this point. I probably did not have a reason to be writing in the first place but that is neither here nor there.
Falling asleep despite my best intentions to the contrary. I am going to try taking the kids outside again--we went out this morning, much to the children's delight. I think we could all benefit from the sunshine and fresh air.
--Sleeping on the Couch--
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