Whew. That sentence itself was stressful.
Today I spent my entire day observing my little family unit. Here are my initial conclusions, surface as they may be:
Emerald first.
My darling little girl has been acting out a great deal lately. She is as sweet as ever, helping out around the house, cleaning up, singing....but she has also been fighting every one of us. I will ask her to do something, and she will look at me long enough to let me know that she heard me, but continue to do exactly what she was doing. She screams and yells and hollers at the top of her lungs whenever anyone gets onto her, and has been banging the walls and smacking her legs and head when stressed. Whenever Gabriel shows interest in anything, Emerald will take it from him every time, whether it is food or a toy or anything. She hasn't progressed to outright ignoring Michael, but if Michael tells Emerald to give Gaby back whatever she took, Emerald will throw it into the air or throw it at Gabriel.
Obviously, this is not the normal behavior of my little girl. Since there was no change in routine, I couldn't figure out why she was acting like this.
Okay, so this is probably obvious to everyone in the world, but it took me a few days to see it, which is probably exactly the problem--Emerald is acting out against me and Michael because we have been having to spend so much time and attention on Gabriel lately.
In the past few months, we have had doctors appointments that last hours and hours, plus ECI specialists coming out to talk about Gabe, study Gabe, help Gabe; people are constantly asking us how Gabe is doing, and we are forever talking about him; even this blog and my facebook will attest to how much time and effort and thought we have invested into Gabe and what is going on with him.
While it's understandable--this is kind of a consuming task and event--it is inexcusable that Emerald has felt that she has fallen to the wayside. I never want her to feel like she is not as loved and adored as Gabriel is. It is my goal that she knows how much her father and I cherish her, and how our family would not be complete without her.
It is hard sometimes to not be preoccupied with what is going on with my little boy right now, and Emerald is so smart and so strong and so independent that it is hard sometimes to see how sensitive she is, and how much she needs her parents love and adoration and attention.
In an effort to reduce the outright rebellion of my daughter, I have come up with a plan in order to ensure that she is getting more from me and Michael, though in the coming weeks we may have to tweak it to fit her and our needs.
1. I am going to stagger the kid's nap times more. Right now, Gabriel sleeps for two hours and she only sleeps for one, but I have been making her lay down for the entire two hours. Now, I will start putting Gabriel to sleep first, and then spend an hour just me and Emerald doing quiet things like reading, coloring, talking, playing with playdough, etc. before she lays down.
2. Up until now for convenience sake, we have been bathing/showering the kids together. They are still young enough where it is okay for them to share bath time, but for now, I am thinking that separating them would give them some more individual undivided attention that they would both benefit from.
3. Bedtime right now is about 8 pm. Since we are moving into the summer, I was thinking of bumping Gabriel's bedtime up to 7.30 and letting Emerald stay up until 8.30. That means that each of them would get their own personalized bedtime routine with Mommy, and that Emerald would get 1-on-1 time with Daddy every day.
I think that those, combined with a little more individual trips with Daddy to go to the store or going with Mommy to the park will help her feel more appreciated and valued as a family member. And getting even brief time away from Gabriel to be the center of attention will probably relieve some the mounting tension between the two of them.
All right, family member number 2: Gabriel
Gabriel has been acting out a lot since Wednesday. He has been increasingly aggressive and agitated, and more destructive around the house. Where he used to play more gently, he now tears up books, upends tables full of things, and empties his toy box. His normal disregard for instruction has gone even further, where he will be caught several times a day in the same transgression, such as scratching discs or eating chalk. Eye contact has gone way down and interpersonal interaction seems to be stressing him a great deal more than it has in the past. He is also more distrustful of the food and drink I offer him--when he saw me put his medicine in his cocoa, he refused to drink it.
I called in the professionals on this one, and this is what she had to say--there could be a few different reasons that Gabriel is acting out, including trying to cope with the trauma of the allergist the other day, physical discomfort from the tests, picking up on stress in the home, resentment toward me and Michael for our part in the testing and the subsequent medicating (including, heaven help us all, nasal spray), or just because he feels crummy from sickness or because of the new prescriptions that his body has not accustomed himself to. She said to give him a few days to adjust, and if he hasn't after the weekend, then call the doctor to make an appointment. The last time Gabriel had an abrupt digression and change in behavior like this, we were set back months and we still have not fully regained the ground we lost. We would like to avoid that happening again.
My plan to help Gabriel:
1. I am going to start getting him up earlier in the morning so that he and I can have some quiet bonding time in the morning before Emerald gets up. He is most aware and focused and calm in the morning, and would likely benefit from rebuilding that bond of trust and security and love that he has been suppressing.
2. The earlier bedtime will once again give him some one-on-one time with me, as well as hopefully a better, healthier night's sleep. His medication has been wearing on him, and I can see the drowsiness affecting him. Maybe part of his problem is exhaustion, plain and simple.
3. Since he spends every day at home with his mother and his sister, I worry that he is not getting the rough-and-tumble play that is necessary for boys his age, and that's why he is increasingly aggressive. During the day, I am going to plan more physical activities where he can throw a ball or run or wrestle and burn out that excess energy, as well as taking Emerald more so that Michael is able to engage more in roughhousing with his son uninterrupted.
4. I am going to find a way to make the medicine times less traumatic and stressful for Gabriel so that he doesn't mistrust us. I am currently looking for his soothing action--for Emerald it was deep pressure and brushing, but neither of those work for Gabriel. Maybe just doing the nasal spray right before I take him outside to enjoy the relaxing swing that he enjoys so much, or right before a walk around the block, might help.
Since I don't know exactly what is stressing Gabriel out, all of my plans could fail, but I am hoping that something will resonate with him and help us get him on a more even keel.
Michael is obviously stressed because of the children, work, school, and everything else that is going on. He works so very hard that he never gets to slow down, and because of it, he is becoming more and more harried and frazzled.
To help Michael, I really only have one plan as of now: help him out more wherever I can. If I can help him shoulder more of the burden, even if it is helping him find someone to delegate as help, then maybe he won't feel quite so overwhelmed by everything that is going on and start enjoying life a little bit more.
I guess that brings me to....me.
Why I am stressed is obvious. Every other member of my family is on edge. I am pregnant and getting practically no sleep, no time with my husband, no free time. I have little to no intellectual stimulation at home, and my whole world has had to stop and revolve around the children. My hobbies are practically non-existent. And even though every day I am called to be tough, to be strong, my emotions are so very fragile that I am getting wounded by small slights. That's not even mentioning the emotional turmoil that I have been going through for the bigger hurts. But even though my heart is frequently aching, I can't give in--I know I have to be tough because if I let everything get to me, I could be completely crushed, and I need to be intact for my family, for Gabriel, for Emerald, for Benjamin. I have to be strong for Michael, because he has to be strong too.
Talking things over with my mother helped, and these are the conclusions I have drawn.
I need to identify the things that I don't have to deal with right now, and put them on a shelf until I am ready to deal with them. Somethings are out of my control, and many things are not going to change anytime soon, so I shouldn't let them worry me, because there is always tomorrow. I have too much going on in the here-and-now, today, for me to go seeking out problems that can wait.
The lack of sleep is to be expected--call it hazards of being pregnant. But I can utilize that time more as time for me, to indulge in the things I enjoy, things I don't have to do for anyone but me. It may be a good time to figure out exactly what I do enjoy, something I can be passionate about, so that I have more drive and motivation.
I can use my intellect more to help solve problems for Michael so that he has less of a burden to carry, or as part of my "me" time to enjoy (like sodoku, writing a novel, crosswords, or becoming more fluent in sign language).
Finally, I need to be less hard on myself and on Emerald and Gabriel and Michael. We are all doing the best we can, and that's all I can ask or expect out of any of us. At the end of the day, we aren't doing so bad. I shouldn't be fretting myself over what we haven't done or what we aren't doing or how anyone else is doing. God has always taken care of us, and He has given me no reason to think He would stop now.
As it is, I am starting to droop noticeably, so I am going to try and get some rest--tomorrow is a new day.
~Andie~
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