The Way I See You

“People think pleasing God is all God care about. But any fool living in the world can see it always trying to please us back.”― Alice Walker, The Color Purple

My Benjifriend is down sick today, so I had to stay home with him and miss out on church. As Michael can tell you, I took this news rather...immaturely because I didn’t want to miss service. I like going to church. It is a happy place for me, full of good things and good people. People that do not want to have themselves or their families exposed to my wee babby’s biological warfare. So, I will sequester myself this Sunday feeding him the medicines of my youth--7-up, reruns of Price is Right, and saltines--and bring him back when he is safe to be around other people, and I will use this quiet opportunity to listen to my Ludovico Einaudi and write in peace. (If you want to hear it as I wrote it, listen to "I Giorni"--https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uffjii1hXzU.)

I am an optimist by nature. I want and choose to see the beauty and goodness in the world; it feeds the hope that lives inside me, the whisper that says, “Wait. The best is yet to come.”

When I was younger and my faith was the sum total of all my parts (a place that has slipped through my fingers to make room for life; a place I have been trying to get back to), my heart’s desire was to see as He sees, to view the world not through the distorted vision of opinion but in truth and reality because it was as He made it. As many that have gone before me, I found the most pure, tangible connection through nature. I lay in the grass, feeling the heat the sun had lent the ground seep into my cold body. I imagined it was healing me, dragging doubts and fears and darkness down and dispersing it far below where I didn’t have to feel it anymore. At just the right time, when my skin was glowing golden from the warmth of the day, a breeze would stir and carry me away, away with the leaves and the caterpillars on their silken strings and the motes of dust that made the air sparkle like glitter.

God intended so much more than this for us. We know that; we can feel it, read it, experience the separation that sin caused. It is easy to forget that He meant more for nature, too.

He made this world to walk in with us. He made it and named it good because it pleased Him. It was a paradise He wanted to share. I can envision how eagerly He would anticipate the delight on our face when we saw for the first time the snow falling on the mountains, a hummingbird sipping from honeysuckle, the ocean washing up on the shore. In His garden, I could have bear friends named Otso and Mischa that I could hug and feed sweet potatoes and nap with in the sun.

I would have really liked that.

The Bible says that Adam and Eve disobeyed and ate the fruit, setting off the chain of events that has somehow arrived in a place where Andie does not get her potato-eating pet bears in the sun. Lady days suck and we have to toil and work and things are hard and they suck and what could there possibly be to be hopeful for?

To me, salvation is a not a story that is finished yet. Our brains hate things unfinished, which is why it wakes you up in the middle of the night repeating “This is the Song that Doesn’t End” because why doesn’t it end?! Brain likes to be able to close the box and say, “this is complete”--this story is done, the task is finished, the song is over. It bothers us endlessly to leave things open because it is still waiting, waiting to be attended to. It would be so much more comfortable for us if the Bible was self-contained, starting with “in the beginning…” and ended with “Amen”. Close the book and put it on the shelf; it is done. It relieves us of the burden of becoming.

It is so exhausting to be unfinished.

If that was all there was, the stories related to us of God working in the men and women of the Old Testament to culminate in the birth, life, and death of Jesus Christ, everything since is just an reverberation of that defining moment. We are living in the aftershocks of God’s dramatic crescendo, and thus relieved of being or becoming anything more than what we are. Why bother; Jesus said himself, “it is finished” (John 19:30). Show’s over, time to go home. Everything since is inconsequential, our lives and our actions amount to nothing, and nothing matters.

Nature shows us that it’s not over. He still cares; He’s still trying—He is still making something out of nothing, propelling us toward something more. The story didn’t end at the cross, but started there and continues on through today and into infinite tomorrows. If Jesus was sent to bring us back, then we still matter enough to try for.

So many of our opinions of ourselves can be so brutal. How is it so instinctual to tear ourselves down? When the voice in our head is dogged and determinedly repeating how we are not good enough, not strong enough, not smart enough, not brave enough. We just aren’t enough.

The part born inside is there to remind us that we weren’t meant to walk alone. God always meant to be right there beside us. He meant friends and family to love and surround us, to encourage and support one another. Our souls remember and remind us—

We weren’t meant to walk alone.

How joyous it is that partnership! How wonderful it is that He has never left us, will never leave us! I have taken great comfort in that.

As my relationship with God grew, it stretched to encompass humanity in my desire to see as He sees. We are separate and apart from creation, made special by His design, but we are also part of it. We are exhibits of His glory, too. It is difficult to see His face reflected in the actions of man, but I had to remember—in the Bible, we saw God’s chosen people turn away again and again. It was in the individual stories where we saw the most change, God working directly on hearts to better the situation for the group. It was through David, through Rahab, through Moses and Elijah and Deborah and Esther, that God led and delivered His people, and it is through those stories that we see His intent for our lives.

God loves us so much it hurts. I truly believe that. He’s so proud of us. I feel like if He had a wallet, He’d have our picture in it and show it to everybody at the grocery store. “See that Andie? She’s got FOUR kids now, can you believe it?” He isn’t sitting up there grouching about how little we visit or fuming that we messed up again. He’s hoping I got the sunshine He sent today, that it made me think of Him and brought a little smile to my face because He loves my smile.

God’s reality is that He made all of these people and He loves them, so He wants us to love them, too. I mean, He may have mentioned once or twice. That attitude  is what I strive hard for every day.

It’s hard though. Sometimes my emotional, opinionated side flares up and clouds my view of a person, leading to arguments with the Voice in my head I call God that go like this:

I don’t like them.

I made them.

Well, you did a bad job. I hate them.

I love them.

...okay, fine. I don’t hate them. But they need to be smacked.

About as much as you need to be smacked?

….that was uncalled for -generic grumbling-

Since first joining social media, I have wanted to make a post encouraging us all to share our genuine opinions of one another. In the idealized, romanticized version in my head, it would a platform for people to share how much they admired other people, how they wanted to know them better or had little crushes on them; fun things that show you how others viewed you.

My hesitancy was born in that more realistic voice in the back of my head, the one that has seen all the “Roast Me” posts on Reddit.

Do not ask for honesty if you are not ready and willing to hear the ugly, untarnished truth. My hope would be that people recognize that we all have so many negative thoughts about ourselves that we don’t need anyone to add to that. As I cannot control the direction the post will take (likely it will die on arrival; most posts that require interaction are bypassed all together), let’s not take any unnecessary chances, shall we? All I have power over is my own opinions.

Through this screen that I have carefully constructed, using what I believe of God based on my personal relationship with Him, I see you.

To me, you are the most interesting person. I love to hear stories an out your life, your family, what you wanted to be when you grew up and what your favorite things are and why you think and feel the way you do. I want to see who you are, the things that drive you, inspire you. I could listen to you all day.

I’ve seen you struggle, and my heart ached for you—I see how hard you are trying. I’m so impressed with the strength and dignity you have displayed, handling what life has thrown at you. You are so tough, so strong, so brave. I don’t have to worry about you because I know that you can overcome any obstacle, but I am going to be here to help you in any way that I can because we are stronger together.

I have prayed for you, through sickness and hard times, but in the good times, too. I pray that you feel safe and loved and happy, that you see God working in your life and it brings a smile to your face. I pray that you have everything you need, and some things you want as well. My heart is so filled with hope for you, because I know:

The best is yet to come.

—Andie

Autism: A Biblical and Historical Glance

I am basing the content of this post on the thought-provoking prompts of Ms. Eineichner, who wrote:

“Do you think autism spectrum disorder has been "around" since the beginning of when God made Adam and Eve, not that Adam and Eve would have been diagnosed with it, but that the potential was there for people to have the characteristics? Do you think that society now tries to make people conform to idealized human expectations, instead of just being more accepting of people? How do Amish societies compare with children being diagnosed?”

I want to first give two disclaimers.

1. I am far from an expert on the matters of autism; all of these are my own thoughts and suppositions based on the history of autism and mental health in the bible.
2. My views do not necessarily reflect that of REACH for a Difference.

These clarifications are simply so that if you disagree, please let me know. Argue with me. The healthiest, deepest thoughts and opinions are those that are challenged through well-reasoned discourse. I will never be offended by contradiction of my ideas because at the end of the day, I am only a moderately educated 29 year old and can only really think as such.

The second disclaimer is that if you read this, knowing that I work for REACH (an organization that provides resources and services to families affected by autism), it does not mean that REACH as an entity or the other members of the organization share the same beliefs as I do. Honestly, I hope that I do not write anything that would be construed as offensive, but as my primary form of writing is a stream-of-consciousness/thinking-out-loud sort of system, I am not really certain where this is going to end up. I am usually fairly careful to keep my opinions neutral in an Aaron Burr-esque manner, but we’ll see on this particular topic.

Without further pomp and circumstance, on to the questions!

First: Do you think autism spectrum disorder has been “around” since the beginning of when God made Adam and Eve?

For those of you that follow this blog, you are probably aware, but I will go ahead and get it out there for clarity’s sake--

I am a Christian. I do believe in God and the Bible and all the nummy little tidbits that lie therein.

So, back to the question. I actually do not believe that ASD has been around since the dawn of humanity.

“There are studies that suggest” is one of the most misleading, misused arguments (in my opinion). Regardless of your stance, there will be ample studies available from friendly, helpful Google to defend your point of view. I could tell you that some scientists believe that autism has been around, at the same prevalence as we see today, for over 1000 years. Honestly, it is very hard to pinpoint when the disorder actually came into being because no one was tracking it historically, and we don’t know quite enough about the genetic indicators to be able to test residual DNA in centuries-old skeletons.

There are of course the historical figures that, through a lens of modern diagnostics, have been posthumously labeled as potentially on the spectrum--the earliest I have seen being Michelangelo (1475-1564) and Sir Isaac Newton (1643-1727).

Interesting, though specious at best, during my research for this post I stumbled upon an article that visits neurological diseases among biblical characters of the old testament. In it, the authors argue that Samson in Judges may perhaps have been on the spectrum. The stories they use to bolster their arguments point to a possible seizure (Judges 13: 25), abnormal eating in the case of honey in the lion carcass (14:8-9), failure to comprehend Delilah’s deception (chapter 16), and extraordinary human strength (14:6, and chapters 15, and his death in chapter 16) which may have been a result of an insensitivity to pain.

The most concerning and deceptive argument is that Samson’s aggression and violence is a damning trait, citing a Swedish article linking autism to violent tendencies.

You can interpret this information any way you choose; frankly, I read it as seeing what you want to see. They went into the bible looking for neurological disorders, stuck in their thumb and pulled out Samson and autism. It doesn’t really fit, and we have inadequate information to be making such a claim. The references they were able to pull come off as more eccentric, and weird is weird but not necessarily noteworthy.

The earliest probable description of an autistic child was made in 1800 by a French physician named Jean Marc Gaspard Itard. The child, Victor of Averyon, was a “feral child” who was found when he was about 12. He attempted to run away from civilization approximately 8 times before Itard took an interest in him, working with him for five years and recording the boy’s progress as he devised new ways of teaching. This was the sort of birth place of adaptive or special education for children that are developmentally delayed.

Once again, we cannot definitively say that Victor had autism, though this is more of a compelling story than the one of Samson. He was a 12 year old non-verbal absconder that was developmentally underdeveloped, but showed progress under directed and intentional adaptive tutorage. That could be any number of disorders.

All of that is speculation--we don’t know for sure on any of it. What we can be sure of is the psychiatric timeline of autism, starting with Eugen Bleuler in 1908 who coined the term “autism” to describe schizophrenic patients that had retreated into their own world. The word he used, “autism”, was from the Greek autos, meaning “self” to express how the individual seemed to be lost in a world within themselves, an “isolated self”.

For a long time, autism and schizophrenia were nearly synonymous, autism believed to be a form of schizophrenia. From a diagnostic standpoint, I can see where that would make sense. The symptoms of schizophrenia were listed as delusions, trouble concentrating, confused thought or speech, being zoned or distracted, unusual movement patterns, emotionless or flat voice, withdrawal, struggling with the basics of life, lack of self-care, difficulty organizing thoughts or making decisions. A lot of those would be indistinguishable from autism. Bleuler used “autism” to describe a morbid self-admiration.

In the 1940’s, Leo Kanner studied 11 children that presented with difficulties in social situations, difficulty adapting to changes in routine, good memory, sensitivity to stimuli particularly sound, resistance and allergies to food, good intellectual potential, echolalia or propensity to repeat, and difficulty with spontaneous activity. At the same time but separate from Kanner, Hans Asperger studied children with similar traits with the exception of echolalia (echolalia being a “meaningless repetition of another person’s spoken words as a symptom of a psychiatric disorder”).

Kanner and another child psychiatrist Bruno Bettelheim believed autism stemmed from emotional coldness from the mother.

Up until the 1960’s, schizophrenia and autism were linked in many physicians’ minds. The 1960’s and 70’s showed research into treatments for autism such as LSD, electric shock, and behavioral change techniques reliant on pain and punishment.

Autism has likely existed for several hundreds of years, if not more. I believe the pervasiveness has stayed pretty static as well. From a medical standpoint, we haven’t been all that aware of this condition until very recently, and our ability to identify it is only in the last few decades becoming refined.

Part of the rise in diagnosis is linked to our better diagnostic abilities and the implementation of routine pediatric screenings. Another ties into the last point (I will get to the middle question last; what can I say--I’m a rebel).

Question numero 2: How do Amish societies compare with children being diagnosed?

Through limited studies, it has been suggested that Amish societies have a much lower rate of ASD or learning disabilities than the general population.

Most will suggest this is because they do not vaccinate their children.

I will not personally engage in the vaccination debate. What I believe doesn’t matter; what I know is that parents that are confronting a child diagnosed with autism is short on hope. How they need to cope with this (honestly) traumatic life event, I refuse to judge.

Back to the Amish at hand: they are removed from the wonders of modern society, and (I believe) that this explains their smaller spectrum numbers.

Sit down and really focus on the sensory input that is going on around you. Think about all the things you can see, smell, taste, hear, feel. Think about your position on the earth, the movements of your body, the force you have to exert to stay in the position you are currently in. Does anything hurt? Itch? Are you hungry or thirsty? How is the temperature of the room? Which direction are you facing? Do you need to go to the restroom?

Your mind will tell you again and again how very clever and amazing it is. It really is. One of the things it does best is compartmentalizing: what is important, what is not important. Which is why after a while of being in a room you will stop noticing the smell, and why you can only actually see your nose when you consciously think about it even though it is always in your view. (You just looked at your nose, didn’t you?)

When you have autism, your mind isn’t able to determine what is important (and therefore worthy of your attention) and what is not. It isn’t necessarily this way with all the senses. Some will function more or less the same way yours does. Others will get turned up or turned down.

A bit confusing, no?

Electricity is not one steady stream as we perceive it. A fluorescent light bulb, for example, will flash on and off 120 times a second. You look at the light and see just that--light. A brain that is hypersensitive to visual input though will go “Light! Light! Light! Light! Light! Did you see the light! Light! Light!” for every one of those little pulses your mind found uninteresting. How very distracting that could be!

The fluorescent light also makes a buzzing noise caused by the transformer or the ballast, which causes the audible buzzing and flickering. Many autistics present with auditory hypersensitivity, and will hear that ambient buzzing as a though it were a fly directly sitting on their eardrum. Their mind doesn’t close the gate on background noise like a neurotypical brain might.

To accommodate for those extra-loud senses, sometimes others will be turned down--the ability to feel pain for example, which sounds fun until you remember leprosy or CIPA. God made us to feel and experience pain so that we can move away from things that are damaging our earthly bodies.

You probably already knew all of this; I offer it as a reminder because with the great convenience of modern advancements comes a veritable hurricane of offensive sensory input. In all our houses and on all our persons, in every grocery store and movie theatre and business we might frequent, there are legions of droning, warbling, beeping, blinking, incessant outputers--iPhones, televisions, radios, air conditioners computers. All of these things that our brain has eventually learned to tune out as unimportant ambience is still very much registered on a sensory level for individuals with autism.

This assaulting barrage of input is what we have to breach to be heard and really fully understood by an individual with autism. It is this impenetrable wall; once we get over it, there are still many obstacles to face instructing an autistic individual in the manner in which they can learn, but that first one is the hardest. One that many get stuck on.

Amish societies that eschew the “convenience” of modern technologies have effectively (though unintentionally) eliminated the first hurdle.

Which brings us to the final question: Do you think that society now tries to make people conform to idealized human expectations, instead of being more accepting of people?

Yes. I do.

It is really hard concept to confront: Autistics may do some things better than we do.

The easiest comparison I can make is left-handedness. The dominantly left-handed makes up about 10% of the population, but even late into the 20th century, schools would require students to write “correctly” with their right hand.

Of course, we know now that there is nothing wrong with being left-hand dominant. It does not mean you are in cohorts with the devil or destined to be a criminal. It just means you were hardwired differently.

That is much how I see autism. It is not a disease, it does not need to be cured. There is nothing wrong with the way an autistic brain functions. The failing comes not in the individual, but in our manner of teaching them.

Don’t get me wrong: it is hard. It is like trying to imagine a color that doesn’t exist. It is this huge, abstract ideal that we are only able to tackle using the information that we have available, and we keep trying to rework it into an accessible formula. The more that we are able to communicate with individuals with autism--not the parents or the ones that study them, not the professionals or teachers, but those that actually have autism--the more we are going to be able to learn, to adapt and meet them in a common place.

There are some things that would make life easier, more pleasant, if we could teach it. Specifically, a manner of communication both parties can understand, redirection from harmful or dangerous behavior, how to self-regulate with regards to sensory input.

Others just make us more comfortable. It really doesn’t hurt anything if someone isn’t making eye contact, if they are rocking or flapping because it helps them. Touching should be at the comfort level of the individual, not forcing physical contact or affection because it is expected. A person talking at length about one particular subject can get boring, but hey--who can claim to be the most interesting person every time they talk?

The common practice is to shape individual into what society demands them to be. We say it is because it will make life easier on them, they won’t stand out as much, draw attention to themselves. But that really isn’t the case. People that are different worry us. They’re unpredictable because we don’t know what to expect.

An adjustment of our expectations, a tolerance for behavior that hurts nobody but that just differs from our own, would go a long way toward making the world a more autism-friendly place.

Thank you, Ms Eineichner for the very interesting questions! I hope you found my answer satisfactory; I really enjoyed researching and writing it :)

For those of you that would like to visit my sources:

http://jiv.sagepub.com/content/early/2008/08/13/0886260508322195.short

http://www.newworldencyclopedia.org/entry/Jean_Marc_Gaspard_Itard

http://www.news-medical.net/health/Autism-History.aspx

http://yournewswire.com/why-dont-amish-children-get-autism/

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2981751/

http://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/history-of-autism

http://www.rightleftrightwrong.com/history_recent.html

https://www.frenchentree.com/holidays-in-france/local-holiday-guides/victor-of-aveyron/

--Andie