Gabriel is....(Part 2)

This is a continuation of the "What I Love About Gabriel" posts--part 2! More to come later =)

Gabriel is…loving.

From the moment of his birth, Gabe has been an affectionate child. He gives bear hugs like none other, holding on with his considerable strength as he burrows his face into your neck like he is making up for every moment you were away from him. His fingers wind their way into your hair as he twirls it. He can never get enough kisses—on his face, his hands, his cheeks, his lips…he adores the way you adore him. Though normally a hurricane of activity, he will lay beside you for hours, content in your arms, a hand absent-mindedly stroking the side of your face. You can feel the contentment and peace radiating off of him because nothing makes him happier than just knowing you are there.

Gabriel is…strong.

Physically, Gabriel is formidable. With a small body that is in a constantly dynamic state, his muscles are healthy and strong. He has no grasp on the concept of impulse restraint, so he puts all of himself into everything he does: jumping up and down while watching his favorite show; wrestling the captive pacifier from your hand; or when clinging to your neck in his patented Gaby-hugs. Flat-footed, he is able to squat on the floor in an impossible state of suspension, his calves holding him steady and upright. Though she has always been considerably bigger than he is, Gabriel will never be a victim to his big sister—he has no qualms with defending himself from her aggressive and occasionally selfish behavior—but he never uses his upper-hand to bully her, to fight her for things he wants. Even with his physical superiority to many kids his age, Gabriel has in no way been forceful or violent toward them.

Gabriel is…curious.

His is a very inquisitive mind. Gabriel wants to know how things works, why things do what they do, and how he can control it. People are a mystery he is uninterested in unraveling, but their functionality fascinates him. Interiors of mouths are meant to be examined, joints are made to be manipulated, spots and skin discrepancies are meant to be explored. Gentle fingers will probe teeth and gums, open and close eyes, and bend and twist ears as he puzzles out the reason and the purpose behind the different body parts that serve no obvious function. He loves repeating experiences again and again, experimenting with how he can alter the event by plugging his ears or standing on his head. Hinges are scrutinized; leaves pulled apart; books maneuvered for signs of strain…his brown eyes brighten as he catalogues every detail. He wants to see things from every angle imaginable and nothing is too petty to elude his interest.

Emerald Quotes 8-31-11

Overheard by my sweet Emerald lately...

-awed voice- Wow, Mama--I the most goodest singer ever!

Mommy, can i have a cheese sandwich for lunch? And can I have a hamburger on my cheese sandwich?

(Me:)...you want a cheeseburger?

(Emerald:) Yay!! Yes please!! With fries!!

Emerald was pretending to text on her toy cell-phone, saying "Dear Emerald, I am six years old. Monsters make me real scared; I gotta build animals. Can you help me?" (playing "Veggie Tales", lol)

(Emerald) What is that a picture of?

(Me) It's the Death Star, sweetie.

(Emerald) Is it one of Daddy's cars?

Trying to make plans for Emerald's birthday, she gave this input: Tinkerbell is nice, and I like Minnie Mouse...but I want a Cap'n America birthday party!! (she has now been talking about her Captain America birthday party for weeks!)

Related: I was showing Emerald costumes on Party City's website, asking what she wanted to be--Minnie Mouse? Strawberry Shortcake? A princess?

She yells, "no, mama--I gonna be...CAP'N AMERICA!"

After some thought, she adds, "Gaby can be Thor and Benjamin is Spider-Man!" (Avenger's Assemble?)

Emerald has been throwing a lot of fits lately--hazards of being a three year old. As I laid her down for nap, she whispers "Mama, I so sorry for screaming. I can be better..."

Getting better at bargaining, probably due to all the "Pawn Stars" she watches with us; I told Emerald she could have bubbles if she poops in the potty. She squints at me and says "Bubbles First".

This will be humiliating to her one day, but that's a very good reason to remember it, lol.

Emerald was sitting on the potty when I hear her yelling "Mom, help!! I need a doctor!!" (Drama queen!)

Actually very sad: I told Emerald I loved her recently, and she said "why?" :-(

Emerald: Mommy, I can't pick you up cause you too heavy, so you gonna hafta pick me up.

She's been asking me to sing to her recently, and she sings to me more as well. My favorites:

"If I crash and crash and burn, I not alone?"

"I like the Sausage Man! What the boy's name? Is it Gabriel? Gaby, sausage is not for the floor, it's for eating!"

"Mama, I can fly! I fly like a G-6!" (You are so not listening to your Daddy's music anymore!)

"Can anybody find me sumbody to love?"

Emerald hugged my protruding belly and said "I love you Benji-Bubba"

I was stressing out, worried about silly little things, when Emerald came up and whispered, "It's okay, Mama--you can pray if you want to".

(Emerald:) Mama, that's gross--I don't want dirty cheerios.

(Me:) -sigh- they're not dirty, they're cinnamon

The following are contributed by Grannymom: =)

On the way from her house to our house Emerald said: Where is your friend dad-dad?

I said: He’s at work.

She said: does your friend live with you?

Pulled into driveway, I open the garage door: she says: Home again, Home again, giggidy gig. (I’ve said that a couple of times before…..she picked it up quick!)

In garage she says: Grannymom, you have a rake.

Yes I do. What do you do with a rake?

Rolling her eyes, she says: you rake leaves with a rake Grannymom.

Amniocentesis

That test I've been yapping about for the last few weeks--the amniocentesis--was actually scheduled and performed today, and we just got the results back.

Michael took off from work to take me. There are somethings that I am just a baby about and the amnio is one of them...

Basically, Dr. Hales (the specialist OB we see) inserts a thin needle through all the way into my uterus and extracts amniotic fluid from around the baby. The lab then tests the fluid to see if the baby's lungs are developed enough to be born.

Ken watched Emerald and Gabriel for us while Michael took me. He stopped and got me a big cup of Sonic ice on the way, which turned out to be a bit of a mistake because the office was so cold I was shivering uncontrollably. Probably partially due to nerves--some women say that the test doesn't hurt at all; others that it is just a little uncomfortable pinch...I am one of the ones that experiences painful menstrual-like cramps around what feels like the biggest needle in the world. Like I said, I am super immature about it, but it hurts and I don't want to go through it alone, so having Michael there was wonderful.

Unfortunately, my fluid levels were low again which made it difficult to find a good place to take. I have an anterior placenta that lays on top across my right side, which meant that they had to put the needle through the placenta to do the test. Just makes it hurt more and made me bleed a little, I hope it's okay.

After the test, which went very quickly, we had the NST. This is the first one Ben had trouble with--he was lethargic, but as Beth pointed out...it's Monday, everyone is moving slow this morning!

Now I am home and I hurt and I'm exhausted from not sleeping last night, so Mike is letting me laze about. He's nice like that.

The nurse called about an hour after we left:

One number came back positive, but the other was not, so the c-section was pushed back to Sunday, September 4th at 9am.

Okay, seriously: who does planned surgeries on a Sunday?! I sounded so stupid, because I repeated "Sunday?" on the phone with the nurse like five times.

So, I guess we are having little Ben on Sunday, which puts me coming home from the hospital on Wednesday, the day the kids start daycare. I have a Dr. Killeen appointment on Tuesday, an NST on Thursday, and then we have a baby.

How we are feelings:

Kids don't care. What did you expect? They have no idea what is going on, lol.

Michael is fine no matter what day we have the baby; he's agreeable. He was going to start his vacation on Wednesday, but I guess he will hold off until a week from today (since he all ready has Sunday off).

Me? Sure, I'm uncomfortable. My fingers are officially too big to wear my wedding ring, and I haven't had a good night's sleep in months. But Benjamin is my priority--if they told me that he needed another month, then that's what we'd do. I wouldn't risk the health of my little boy just to make it easier on myself.

Sunday has the added benefit of being the day that my parents come into town--they will probably miss the actual birth (unless the hospital is running WAY behind that day, lol), but they will be here for our hospital stay and coming home and everything. No idea what I am going to do about Emerald's birthday party...won't think about that right now. We'll take care of her; she'll have a great birthday.

Anyways, that's my update. I'm going to go take a nap.

6 more days is our new goal!

--Andie--

My Husband

I have been feeling affectionate toward Michael lately--I get this way before I have the kids, because I feel so blessed and lucky to have such a great husband and friend in him, and having a baby together bonds you like no other. When the sleepless nights, waning patience, and short fuses of having a newborn takes over, it's nice to be able to look back and see all the things that make me just plain ol' like the guy.

So! Here, in no particular order (and far from all-inclusive list), are 20 things I love about my Mike!

1. Regardless of the circumstances, no matter how he feels about me at the time or whether I deserve it or not, Michael always treats me with respect.
2. Every day, he makes me beautiful, cherished, and loved.
3. No matter what we are doing, we always have fun together; he can always make laugh.
4. He works very hard at jobs he doesn’t like to provide for me and the kids, sticking with it even when it gets really discouraging.
5. He truly adores his children, and is an amazing father; Emerald and Gabriel worship him, and even ECI raves about how great he is with them.
6. He knows the most random, interesting things and it’s entertaining to listen to him talk; even if he doesn’t know about something, he can usually make up something pretty believable ;)
7. Though I know how important a clean house is to him, he has never made me feel bad or gotten angry at me for not keeping a tidy house—when I am able to get stuff done, he always notices and thanks me; when I don’t, he never says a negative word about it J
8. He genuinely gets along with my family, and makes a conscious effort to form bonds with them, and I think they all like him too.
9. He is intellectually my equal (or maybe even smarter than I am), so we have the best discussions over every topic imaginable.
10. . He is a good Christian man that comes from a good Church of Christ family; we share the same beliefs (for the most part; there are small things we disagree on, but he respects my views and I respect his) and agree how we want to handle our children’s spiritual development.
11. For the most part, on most subjects, we agree and see eye to eye including our priorities and how we want to raise the kids; but even when we don’t, we have civilized discussions and come to compromises peaceably. He would never demean my point of view and keeps an open mind, sincerely listening to me.
12. He is never too busy to listen to me pratter, chatter, complain, vent, rant, babble, or talk just for the sake of talking (and ask anyone that knows me—that is no small feat!)
13. Even though he doesn’t like pets and doesn’t want them, he humors me in letting me have cats, and takes out their litter box so I don’t have to.
14. I love his dorky taste in music, and how he gets into it singing and dancing with me and the kids J
15. He never judges me, even when I say or think something just awful. I can be a negative, grumpy, pessimistic person and he doesn’t look down on me for that.
16. Even at his angriest (and he can get pretty angry), he has never demeaned or belittled me in any way; he never swears or calls me names or yells, or loses control of his temper. I don’t worry that this argument might end us because there has never been a situation it felt like we couldn’t work through.
17. I trust him fully, and he reciprocates--though we live together, we are able to maintain and respect one another’s privacy. He doesn’t burst in on me in the bathroom, dig through my emails or texts (though he has access to my laptop, phone, and all my passwords), or otherwise act paranoid or jealous; and I don’t feel the need to invade his privacy either.
18. No matter how tired he is, he helps out after he gets home with whatever I need help with around the house, even if it is just letting me have a break from the kids.
19. He’s super supportive of anything I want to do, willing to do what he can to help me achieve my goal and rooting for every step of the way.
20. He makes me feel very safe; not just because he is my protector and I know he would do anything to defend me and the kids, but because he refuses to let me feel or act like a victim. He taught me how to stand up for myself, to not back down, and to fight if I need to J

Mike is a pretty neat fella. I am really lucky to have him!!

--Andie!--

On the Sunny Side of Life

I am letting worry and frustration and depression get to me tonight, which is not doing me or anyone else any favors, so I am going to talk about the things that make me happy.

A couple nights ago, Emerald asked if she could sleep in her big girl bed.

Since Gabriel sleeps in our bed, Emerald has been doing the jealousy thing and wanting to sleep in a pallet beside our bed. It has been a problem because I have to get up to pee about a thousand times a night, and her pallet makes it difficult to walk around the room to get to the bathroom.

But the other night she asked if she could sleep in her big girl bed, so I helped her clean up and set up her room, put her blankets on her bed, pick out a few stuffed animals to lay down with her...we did the whole bedtime routine thing where they take a bath, I sing a few songs to them, we read a book, say prayer, and have hugs and kisses time before they go to sleep.

She laid awake for a while, but as soon as Michael kissed her goodnight, she fell right to sleep and stayed there all night! She didn't get out of bed until I woke her up at 8 the next morning.

Ever since then, she has slept in her room--she is very proud of being on her own. I am a little more skittish with her sleeping so far away, but I'll get over it.

Other good things...Gabriel keeps trying to talk. It isn't consistent, but sometimes he will try and say "hi" or mimic Mike saying "I love you!". He is putting more effort into socializing, being more affectionate, and much more engaged. I think it's because he is getting a lot more of his sensory needs met, but we are all very grateful--it is nice to see Gabriel making some progress.

We did his yearly evaluation with ECI (I may have mentioned it before) but it shows that he has been improving across the board, in all developmental fields. In motor skills, he is actually advanced for his age! His progress is about 5-7 months in each area. It is really encouraging to see these things because it is so, so easy to get caught up in what he is not doing that it feels like we are just treading water, not moving forward at all.

Despite all my pregnancy woes, Benjamin is doing fantastically. He is growing well, always passes his NST's with no trouble at all...he is healthy and beautiful and perfect. This is the best that I could hope and pray for. Who cares what happens to me--I can handle it--but I don't want it negatively affect my little boy. Thankfully, it is not.

Michael's work has been super understanding with letting him take time off of work to be with me for doctor's appointments and to stay home and help me. They are a wonderful set of people, and I am happy most days that Michael works there. I know it is not his dream job, or even one he enjoys, but they do take good care of us, and they are so flexible and agreeable. We never have to worry that Michael will lose his job because he had to choose to be with me over going into work one day. Obviously if he is not there, he is unable to sell so we want to keep that to a minimum, and we don't want to lose the faith of the management so we would never abuse the privilege, but it is nice to know that if we need it, we don't have to be afraid to ask.

I am selfishly thankful that Beth has not had to move out of town yet. I know it is coming, and I will not make it worse for her having to leave when the time comes, but I have really loved having her here near us. She spent so much time away--in New York, in Austin--that for a stretch of a few years there, we never got to see one another, and it has been just amazing to have her just a few minutes away. And for right now, she is still here! And there stands a good chance that she will still be here when I finally have this baby beast. I have some amazing friends, I really do, and having them in town has made me spoiled, but I love having them around.

We have had a ton of help from Michael's family, and I could not be more grateful for that. Worrying about who will watch the kids while we go to yet another doctor's appointment would have been an added stress that frankly we could not handle, but Grannymom and Ken and Rhonda have been amazing. I am really appreciative that they live here, too :) Plus, Emerald and Gabriel just adore seeing them more often. You can see their sweet little faces light up whenever Grannnymom walks through the door, and that means so much to me.

Finally, my parents are going to be here on the 4th of September! I didn't want them to miss out like they did with Gabriel and just end up seeing a fat, pregnant, and cranky me. They will be such a big help, and to be honest, I need my Mommy and Daddy on big things like this. I would like to live them forevers, but I am grateful for anytime that I get with them at all. And in October, my Amber will be coming down with Grayson; Jarrod and Julia are planning on coming to visit...I couldn't be happier. I am blessed to have such a wonderful family, and getting them to come and visit me is just the best. I can't wait to see all of them.

It's 10 now and I really should be heading to bed. Feeling a bit better about life and everything--I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am not going to be an ingrate. God really has blessed us.

So toodleoo and goodnight!

--Andie--

Hectic Tuesday

Okay, so today we had like a million appointments because it is getting so close to the end of the pregnancy, so I am going to try and keep this as brief as possible.

I am the most contrary pregnant woman on the face of the planet. It's true.

My first doctor's appointment was with Dr. Killeen, just a routine check-up. When I went in there, the nurse gave me iron supplements because I am "borderline anemic". (I hate the word borderline now). Anemia means that my iron is low, which increases my chances of having a blood transfusion during or after delivery. Neat.

When Dr. Killeen came in the room, he wanted to talk to me about my platelet count. I had thought this was related to the low iron, but I was mistaken. Apparently I have what is known as pregnancy related idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura. For some inexplicable reason, I have started to create an antibody that is destroying my platelets--the element of my blood that

causes it to clot.

Once again, this is just borderline--it would be more worrisome if it were lower, but I fall into the category of having the condition. Apparently, not a really big deal since the protocol for when you discover ITP is to perform a c-section, which I am having anyway. Doesn't make any sense to me--she is having trouble clotting? Slice her open!--but Dr. Killeen explained it's because the antibodies can be transferred to the baby during delivery, causing a hematoma. The pediatrician will have to keep an eye on Benjamin after he is born for that reason.

Symptoms of ITP are bruising easily and bleeding excessively when cut, which we have actually noticed and not cared about in the last several months. So, not a big deal, but something else the doctor worries about. They check my platelets every week until I have the baby and if the numbers don't go up, they give me a shot to help.

Because of all that and the nagging gestational diabetes crap, Dr. Killeen said that at the very latest Ben will delivered Friday of next week. We are still scheduled for Tuesday (the 31st), but if he fails the amnio then I will be given a steroid shot and we will have him Thursday or Friday (the 1st or 2nd).

Straight from that appointment we did the blood work (whoot) and went to Dr. Hales office, where we did the NST. Benjamin is always great for those, so it went quickly and looked great. Immediately after the NST, we had a Dr. Hales appointment.

Benjamin's about 6 lbs, 9 oz--the same weight Emerald and Gabriel were when they were born. Of course, they can't measure fat so who knows exactly how big this kid is, but it looks like he's going to be perfect :)

Now the bad news. Because of COURSE there is bad news. I am the world's suckiest pregnant lady, remember? A great big danged inconvenience.

The nurse grew concerned as she was taking measurements, and went to call Dr. Hales in. Apparently, my amniotic fluid is low.

What the heck!?

Common side effect of gestational diabetes: high amniotic fluid levels. High; not low. Just like another side effect is gaining too much weight, and I still can't gain a pound. Everything about me is backwards.

Dr. Hales said if the baby had been a girl, I would have left his office and gone straight to be delivered. Thank goodness it's not a girl!! But because boys develop slower, we don't want to risk taking him too early, especially without having done an amnio.

They were going to go ahead and do the amniocentesis today, which made me nervous (those things HURT), but Dr. Hales was certain that it would be a waste of time since Benjamin would fail. Little guy just isn't quite there yet.

So for the next few days, I am supposed to relax and take it easy, drink a ton of water, and have another sonogram on Friday when I have my NST. There are three possible outcomes:

1) My fluid will be back to normal. If it is, we will do the amnio on Monday, as originally planned.

2) My fluid will be the same as it was today, still a little low, and they will perform the amnio on Friday.

3) My fluid will be lower than it was today. They will admit me to the hospital where I will have to stay for the weekend and have the amnio as planned on Monday.

Why can't we just agree that my body is weird and does weird things and ignore it?! Why's everything got to be a deal?!

I have no idea what they mean by "take it easy". Hopefully it includes banging my head against a wall, because that's what I feel like doing. If this is not God's way of telling me I am a lousy pregnant lady, I just don't know what is.

Anyways, didn't mean to complain. Just frustrated. Next week at some point, Mike and I will have a new baby boy. Very excited, can't wait.

~Andie~

Obstetrician Tuesday

Today, we finished the enrollment process for Emerald to be in Head Start, which was pretty boring and unnecessary--just some paperwork, blah blah, whatever. We took Emerald just in case we needed her there (which we didn't) and left Gabriel with Grannymom. Emerald was so excited to be able to go out with Mommy and Daddy and just her; she wore the cutest outfit that we just got her for school!!!

That only lasted about an hour or so, and after that we came home and ate lunch and I got ready to go to my Dr. Killeen appointment this afternoon. Dr. Killeen is my primary obstetrician. We were hoping maybe they would give us estimate on when the baby would be due.

The office was incredibly efficient today--Dr. Killeen was leaving to do a c-section but had to see me before he went, so I got called back and into a room and done all very quickly. I like that he never makes me feel rushed though; he showed me all the things I wanted to see on the sonogram and answered all my questions before having to go. I didn't feel shortchanged.

Still haven't gained a pound, which leaves my net gain at about 2-3 lbs, but nobody really cares at this point. Ben is growing, nearly 6 lbs at this point, so who cares if I am not packing it on? Blood pressure has returned to normal since I have gotten my blood sugar (mostly) under control. I tend to overshoot things and have low blood sugar, but that is a much easier fix than high blood sugar (in my opinion).

Dr. Killeen did bring up that my platelet count was low, meaning that (as I apparently was with the last two pregnancies....huh? Why did nobody mention this before?) I am borderline anemic, so I have to get blood work done every week until I have the baby now. I don't really care about that--not a huge deal--but I asked the nurse why it mattered; she told me it just increases my likelihood of needing a blood transfusion after the baby is born. Oh. Huh. Well...I guess I will start upping my iron intake.

I asked Dr. Killeen the million dollar question: When can we expect our little belly-bumbler to make his grand debut?

Looking at my chart, he said with the borderline anemia and the gestational diabetes thing, and this being my third pregnancy and us not wanting to go into labor...with a positive amniocentesis, we are scheduled for the 30th of August.

All right, coo...hold the phone.

The 30th?

You mean two weeks from today the 30th?!

This kind of took me aback; we weren't expecting him until like September 9th or something! Maybe the 2nd at the earliest, but....but THIS MONTH?!?!

So now I am having the amnio on the 29th, and am scheduled to have Ben by c-section on the 30th if it comes back that the little fella is breathing. It's partially good news--we were wanting a specific date and I am not wanting to be pregnant for too much longer; but I worry about if my parents will be able to make it out on such short notice, ya know? Or what if they do pull it off and come out here expecting the baby to be here on the 30th, and it turns out that he needs to bake a little bit longer (like Gabriel had to)?

After leaving Dr. Killeens I had to go do my requisite blood test, which took me from the fifth floor down to the first. It was frustrating because the lady sat there gabbing for 15-2o minutes while we waited...she was waiting for a third patient to come in so that she could just take us all back at once and draw right in a row, bam bam bam.

I couldn't help but think--wouldn't it go faster if you didn't waste time standing around not doing crap? And what if no third patient comes in for a good long while? You gonna have empty chairs back there and us waiting for 2 hours so that it's quicker for you? Ugh.

With that finally taken care of, I had to head BACK up from the first floor to the third, to Dr. Hales office, so that I could take my first Non-Stress Test (NST).

An NST is to monitor the baby, see how their heartbeat handles change, monitor contractions and fetal movement...things of that nature so that we can assure ourselves that our little baby is good and ready to be born. I don't know what they would do if he were unready. Leave him in there?

I actually like the NST's. I get to lay back in a really comfortable recliner; they bring me a drink and have cable for me to watch. The room is warm and cozy...I just have two sensors attached to my belly, one to my finger, and a button to press whenever the baby moves. Takes about 30 minutes or so, and it is just very peaceful. Well, sometimes. It's less peaceful when your husband is over there cracking jokes =P Nah, I was happy to have him there =)

So that is what happened today. We're having NST's twice a week now, as well as blood work, for the rest of the pregnancy, which is apparently just two more weeks!

Ack! There is so much to do, and I'm not ready!!

--Andie--

Changes

It seems like everything is changing lately. Even the kids are picking up on it--they know something is on the horizon, but they can't quite figure out what it is.

Poor Gabriel is emotionally beginning to cling to me more than ever; he is fussier and lays awake late into the night. He can tell that something is coming, but he lacks the words to understand exactly what life has in store, and it frightens him.

Emerald is more sensitive than ever. Today she cried at nap time, asking when Daddy was coming back home. She is very concerned that she be beautiful, a pretty girl, and that people see her that way, becoming distraught when Cassie (the speech therapist for Gabriel) was coming over because she wasn't happy with her look. It is actually quite heart-breaking, trying to convince her that she is gorgeous, to help her see what Michael and I see--that she is the most amazing girl, inside and out.

Little changes I think they will handle okay.

For example, the next time we go to the doctor, it won't be Dr. Stripling, but Dr. Dalton....but I don't think it will make a significant difference to either of them, because Gabriel has met with so many different physicians over the last year that I would be surprised if he recognized Stripling anyway.

Today was Cassie's last day--as of Friday, we will be meeting with Julie for Gabriel's speech therapy. But we are going to keep being friends with her even though she won't be coming over every week any more, so it's not like we won't see ever see her again. He may take a while to warm up to Julie, but that is not a major deal.

In a matter of weeks, Emerald will begin Head Start and Gabriel will start at Bright Horizons. Gabriel went to BH all last year and goes to church in the same building, so he will get right back into the swing of things, especially since it is only 2 days a week. And I am guessing that Emerald's reading "Getting Ready for Preschool" book every day for the last month and because she will adore going, it will make her ridiculously happy.

Obviously there is the big change that we are dancing around. Neither of the kids are going to take well to having a new baby in the house. Crying during the night, taking away Mommy and Daddy's attention, people coming over to see the baby, sharing toys....it is not going to be either of their favorites. But we will help them cope. We are reading Social Stories about Mommy going away and coming back with a baby until they get used to the idea; and when they realize that we don't love them any less just because we have a new little one, they will be much happier with the arrangement.

I worry I wasn't sensitive enough when Gabriel was born for Emerald. We didn't really bother explaining anything to her; she went from sleeping every night since she was born in my arms to Mommy suspiciously disappearing for three days...I worry it did damage to our relationship, and that may be why she is not as close to me. But she has always been much more independent than Gabriel; she could always take me or leave me and not give it a second thought. She didn't even seem that excited to see me when she visited me in the hospital. I worry that I just assumed at the time that she was going to be okay, but she really hasn't been and that she is still hurting for more attention and affection from me. Maybe her and I will start a girly day every week where we watch girl movies and paint our toenails, eat chocolate, and just spend time with no boys. Just because I am not the most effeminate thing on the face of the planet doesn't mean that Emerald needs to suffer for it. Maybe we could invite Glo and make an event of it =)

Today, I actually got a surprising amount of things accomplished. Michael is frustrated with me because I don't want to make decisions lately....but I feel in charge of so much that it exhausting and overwhelming and I want to abdicate responsibility. Which of course is completely selfish and unrealistic, but I have been leaving things just unhandled so that I don't have to concern myself.

Anyways, Mike put his foot down--he doesn't want me pulling that crap any more. So I got up this morning with the intention of getting as much accomplished as possible without physically wearing myself out.

The first thing I did was called Bright Horizons and finished getting Gabriel enrolled, plus Emerald as a back-up, and to clarify that Benjamin would likely enroll in the Spring. They would like some guided direction for Gabriel's care, but honestly I think they will be more than fine--they have taken such good care of our kids for years now, and worked amazingly well with Gabriel last year, that I don't really think they need much direction.

We will explain about the fits that he has--the laughing, the staring, and the crying--and how to best handle them, emphasizing that even Michael and I are fairly impotent against them. We will pass on the suggestion from Dr. Driskell that he be encouraged to play with other kids, but that it be okay if he doesn't, highly praised if he does. The sensory issues and the running off, things of that nature we will bring up, but I think them figuring out what works out for their class and what works for him will be best. The only reason we are mentioning anything to his daycare is because we don't want them to think that he is a bad kid or a trouble maker--I also don't want them to think of him as callous. He's really not. He is incredibly sensitive and wants people to like him and play with him, he just doesn't know how to engage.

Anyways, Michael dropped off all that paperwork for me this afternoon so that is resolved.

I also called my doctor's office and rescheduled one of my appointments. Sometimes I accidentally overbook ourselves; this time, I was having trouble moving this appointment because Dr. Hales is always full up, but I got a good appointment time for next week right after my Dr. Killeen. This week I need to see Dr. Killeen so that he can tell me when I am having this baby--I am hoping for a strong, firm date, which I haven't been offered yet.

Then I called Head Start to set up an appointment for tomorrow to finish the paperwork for Emerald's enrollment. It was actually quite frustrating because the receptionist told me that they would call me back and they never did. When I called back with the same request as before, I got attitude from her saying there were no appointments available and that I probably cost Emerald her place in Head Start...they were supposed to get back to a month ago and they didn't! Anyways, when they called back I was informed they had appointments at 8.30, 10, 11, 1...in my head, I am seething because there appear to be a ton of available appointments, which means the receptionist was trying to hassle me =/

So I got that all set up, and Emerald is almost fully in Head Start! It will be a very good program for her =)

I had two more phone calls after that, the most exhausting and time consuming of all those I had made today, but I got appointments with those as well, which is really giving myself more work in the long run, but they will benefit the family I think.

The kids and I cleaned up a bit and made pizza and hot wings for lunch...they were quite delicious, but I forgot how much more susceptible to heartburn. Nap was miserable. I needed a nap very much but was unable to get one because Emerald refused flat out to sleep. I am still pretty angry, but it was her bad choice to make.

That's our discipline program right now--Good Choices and Bad Choices.

Good Choices result in rewards, such as praise, money, privileges, special treats, and Mommy and Daddy being happy. We talk about what good came from the Good Choice, like if Emerald shares with Gabriel, then we point out how happy she made him and how they don't fight and how he shares his toys with her then. Bad Choices result in punishments, such as swats, time-outs, toy time-outs, privileges being taken away, and hurt feelings. If Emerald makes the Bad Choice to not take a nap, we point out that she is cranky and sleepy for the rest of the day, that Mommy couldn't take a nap and is sleepy and cranky and unhappy, and that Gabriel gets juice for snack but she has to water. Little things like that.

It actually works pretty effectively--a temper tantrum results in leaving the store, so why would she want to make the choice to leave the store?--but the finer points of it may be lost on Gabriel. We are working on it.

Sorry if I am growing a little incoherent. Mommy actually really needed that nap today. Yesterday both the kids refused to take a nap, so I missed out there even though I was falling asleep at the helm (so to speak). We tried to put them to bed early, but Emerald refused; Gabriel took a miniature 30 minute nap and was then up until 11.30. I finally get everyone asleep and sneak off to take a bath to help my back feel a bit better when I hear a faint knocking at the door. Gabriel was laying outside the bathroom falling asleep on the floor waiting for me to lay down with him. He then proceeded to lay awake next to me until past 3.

As I said earlier, Emerald refused to take a nap at nap time, so here I am more exhausted than ever, eyelids drooping and realizing that this is probably just good preparation for the sleepless nights ahead.

But I did at least get a great deal accomplished today. We had our last Speech Therapy today with Cassie; I am really going to miss seeing her every week. But I am happy for her that she is having a baby and that she is able to take the time off to be with her little one. Not all mothers are that lucky, I know.

I think I am rambling at this point. I probably did not have a reason to be writing in the first place but that is neither here nor there.

Falling asleep despite my best intentions to the contrary. I am going to try taking the kids outside again--we went out this morning, much to the children's delight. I think we could all benefit from the sunshine and fresh air.

--Sleeping on the Couch--

Why I Love My Children: What I Love about Gabriel (pt 1)

As explained in the previous post, this is actually an introduction to a series of posts about “Why I Love My Children: What I Love about Gabriel”. I began writing this particular post because I was sliding down a very slippery slope. You see, I was seeing Gabriel as what he was not. With all the focus lately going toward his oddities and peculiarities, to what he was unable to do, all the behaviors that were so worrisome…my view of him was becoming skewed and distorted by fear for the future. Cassie—his speech therapist—saw the strain that was weighing on me and encouraged me to make a list of things that I love about Gabriel, the things that he is great at. This is where these posts all started. I found when I started writing about how much I loved my little man, I couldn’t stop. There is so much that is beautiful about him—he was fearfully and wonderfully made after all (Psalms 139: 14). Anyways, once again—I hope you enjoy these posts. J

Why do I love Gabriel?

That seems like a no-brainer to most people. They will say that I love him because I am his mother—it is as natural as breathing, a compulsion I could no more control than the ever-present wind. Simply put, I love him because he is my son.

But you see, I disagree.

Narcissism and nature will only get you so far. It will cause you to protect the fetus as he grows inside you; to push you through the physical pain and trauma of childbirth.

When you are faced with this tiny, demanding, inexplicable creature—when he goes from being an abstract dream to being a real, live human being with a personality all their own—the whole dynamic of your relationship changes. Similar to the way it happens when you fall in love with your spouse: the glamour of infatuation wears off and you are stuck with the gritty reality of who they are, for better or worse. The best you can hope for is that when the dust settles, that stranger in your house is someone you think you could live with for the rest of your life.

Gabriel had a head start with me though. You see, I had met and fallen in love with his big sister all ready. We had been through that transitional period where we are unsure and insecure and had come out the other side, completely and utterly taken with one another. When Gabe was born, I knew that if he was anywhere near as beautiful and amazing as Emerald is, I wouldn’t be able to resist tumbling head over heels for him.

That was nearly two and a half years ago, however. Two years of observing the minute details of his personality, his quirks and peculiarities. Two years of the nagging doubts, sleepless nights, and paralyzing fear, knowing in my heart that there was something amiss with my little boy and needing to know the answer, but terrified where our searching would lead. But most of all, two years of spending time with him and watching him grow and falling hopelessly and irreversibly in love with his heart, his mind, his soul….with who Gabe is. All that observation, and I still think he is one of God's greatest creations, and certainly one of the most amazing things that has ever happened (or will ever happen) to me and Michael.

Why I Love My Children: What I Love about Emerald (pt 1)

This is the introduction to “Why I Love My Children: What I Love about Emerald”—kind of the lead-in for future posts about the many glorious aspects of my beautiful daughter. With so much negativity, stress, and worry prevalent in my posts, I do not want to overlook how very lucky we are. I view myself as a bit of the family scribe—the keeper of the archives that one day we will be able to look back on and see how far we have come…it is important to me that it not just be the tedium of our every day comings and goings, or the trials that we are faced with. One day, I will want to look back and remember who we were; and to show the kids how their mother sees them. So, that is really the purpose of these posts. Hopefully you find them as meaningful and accurate as I do =)

I have been told time and time again that a mother falls in love with her child the moment he or she is born, part of God’s design and nature’s intent to protect the next generation. But that wasn’t the experience I had.

Many will claim that it was because I had an unnatural birth—a cesarean section that did not allow for the rush of hormones that bonds the mother and child irrevocably—but at the first meeting of my only daughter, the overwhelming emotion that I felt was confusion. It is a very odd sensation to be introduced to someone you feel you know intimately, that you know better than anyone else on the face of the planet could know them…and to realize that they are still a complete stranger, an unknown commodity. This was no longer a part of my body, something that I was creating, but a person in and of their own right.

Those first moments, I saw her with fresh eyes. I could objectively say that she was quite lovely. Thankfully, I missed the unattractive belly-filth that she had come into the world coated in, but all ready wiped off and wrapped in a blanket, like a little gift to me. Her watermelon-colored lips were pouty and full; her eyes a smoky blue and intelligent. A light dusting of strawberry-blonde hair made her look like she was crackling with electricity on a head that was not warped or alien-esque like other babies’. What struck me is how much bigger she was than I had expected. I had imagined this teeny creature, supported by the doctor’s assertion that she was surely less than 5 pounds…but this was a hale and healthy looking child.

Over the next several days, in a pain and drug-induced daze (legal drugs, get your mind out of the gutter—I just had surgery) I began to really observe her. She looked so different from me. Her skin against mine was so pale. Why didn’t I see any of myself in her? Family kept insisting her glower was a dead-ringer for me, but I just couldn’t see it. I was fiercely protective of her, and genuinely quite fond of her, from her squeaky alternative to a sincere cry to the downy, substantial feel of her in my arms. But honestly, my mind was too confused to even grasp the concept that this was mine, something I would shape and develop over the years.

Don’t think me callous, please. Have you ever been petting a cat only to be struck with the realization…this is a living creature? Maybe it is just me, since before I became a mother I was a bit of a robot. I would much rather figure out why people think and act as they do then to actually interact with them.

The weeks that followed Emerald’s birth were a blur of sleeplessness, unaccustomed frailty, and adjustments. Not to mention that I was planning my wedding at the time…I spent every waking (and sleeping) moment with my infant, but I didn’t feel like I was getting the hang of it, like I was getting to know her. What was I doing wrong? Was I just an emotionless monster?

One night, up late at my parents’ house making wedding invitations and drinking pots of coffee to stay awake, I unthinkingly nursed Emerald as I always did. It’s like we both realized at the same time that I had an ungodly amount of caffeine inside me and was now passing it to her, because we both began to laugh. It was her first real laugh—more of a throaty chuckle then a belly laugh—but we bonded. In that moment, I fell in love with her. All my fears that I was incapable of maternal love fled.

From then on, every day I loved her more. I was getting to know her as an individual, and I realized how much I just genuinely LIKED her. She was smart and sweet, curious, and never upset for long. It was magical, getting to watch her grow and develop and come into her own.

Many years have passed since then—she is nearly four years old now, and I can confidently say that Michael and I know her better than any other living person. It won’t always be like this, I know—one day, her best friend of the week will know more about who she is because she has shut me out of her head—but for right now, I know who she is inside and out. And it is that person that I love.

Jarrod and Julia Come to Visit

We were incredibly lucky this week to have Jarrod and Julia come to visit--hurrah!!!

Wednesday, I cleaned all day and did all the laundry because I knew they were planning on heading down the next day. Unfortunately that night, I experienced the worst pain I have during any pregnancy. While worrisome, I wrote it off as having over-exerted myself that day and went to bed.

Thursday, Michael had an awful day at work. Just him having to deal with the worst turds of humanity kind of customers, so he is was in a very bad mood. I was able to finish cleaning up before they got here at 4, bringing my wonderful and precious nephew, Andrew.

That night was pretty quiet as far as things go. Jarrod made us really tasty chicken fajita tacos, which I know--makes me the worst host ever to have him come here to cook for us. But to be fair, he is a fantastic cook, and anything he makes would be better than the mediocrity I churn out.

I started hurting again that night. The night before a bath had gone a long way to making me feel better, so I tried that again, but it actually made it much worse. I was growing quite concerned by this point, so I texted my mom. She wanted me to call the doctor. Meh!!

Michael called in to work on Friday for two main reasons: 1) Jarrod and Julia never get to visit and he didn't want to spend the entire time they were here working; and 2) because he was too worried about me to want to be far away. I felt bruised from the pain the night before, but it wasn't still happening, so I was trying to take it easy.

Friday we took the kids to Maxey Park, which was blissfully empty but painfully warm. Gabriel and I swung together and Emerald had a fantastic time on everything. The lake is horribly drying up, and it looked and smelled pretty awful. It makes me sad because normally you would get the ducks and geese and everything, but now you have receding shoreline, cracked and parched earth that is littered with sodden trash. It was revolting.

Michael got paid that morning, so we introduced Jarrod and Julia to Five Guys Burgers and Fries for lunch and watched an episode of Pawn Stars. After lunch, Julia laid down with Andrew and I laid down with my monsters while Michael and Jarrod went out and about. While my babies were laying down, I called the on-call nurse to ask about the pain that I had been experiencing. She was not from the office I frequent, and sounded uncertain and would have preferred me to head to labor and delivery to be careful. But she told me that it could be a number of things, like uneven distribution of the baby or early contractions. Her recommendation was for me to take a little bed rest, drink lots of water, wear my maternity belt when I was up and about, and to go to labor and delivery just in case.

Well, I did what I could. I have visitors, plus two very active toddlers...bed rest and l&d are just not happening. Sorry, but I just can't swing it.

The funny thing was that we couldn't find Remy all that day. That is normal--Remy usually hides out whenever we have visitors. That is normal for him to not come out for a while because guests stress him out. Well, that night we still hadn't found the little bugger, even when we had looked, so I was getting worried. Michael heard a faint mewing from the kids' closet...he had been locked in there since I had hung Emerald's dresses up on Wednesday!! Poor thing was so traumatized.

Julia, Emerald, and I went out while all the boys stayed home so that I could pick up some groceries. It was nice to be able to get out of the house and have girl time. Jarrod and I made a bolognese pasta thing that night, plus salad, garlic bread, and peas. It was a really tasty meal.

Once again that night, the pain started worse than it had ever been before. I was fetal, contemplating asking Jarrod to keep an eye on the kids while Michael took me to the hospital. Mike called into work and insisted the next day I take it easy or I go in to get checked out. I promised I would take it easy.

Saturday, I kept my word. I took it as easy as I could, didn't pick up the kids, wore the belt all day, and drank as much water as I could stomach. My ultimate goal was to get to go out for drinks with the girls that afternoon. Of course I was feeling much better, but the worst of the pains are always at night, so Mike hesitantly let me wander away with Julia and Beth =D

We went to Bahama Bucks and I got a sugar-free strawberry cheesecake shaved ice plus two big cups of ice...I was trying to keep up with my water intake as much as possible. Michaela met us there, and it was really fun. I never get to see Beth anymore because she works and it makes me sad in my heart; it was awesome getting to hang out with her.

Another trip to wal-mart that got me a glucometer, and then we headed home. We made frozen pizzas and watched "Scott Pilgrim" which they all seemed to enjoy. I only made it about halfway through before I went off for another bath. I seem to be relying on baths more and more to help me ache less. Luckily, by then I was feeling much better, just a little battered after nights and nights of pretty horrible pain.

Sunday morning, we got up and went to church. Class always sparks a great deal of conversation between me and Mike about the subjects discussed and other people's views, and it was nice to have Jarrod and Julia toss in to the discussions, too. For lunch, we went out to Shogun's Hibachi Grill, which was blissfully not busy and as always, delicious. Emerald adored their soup, even asking for a second bowl, but wouldn't touch the actual dinner. Gabriel didn't eat anything and seemed genuinely offended when the chef did the onion on fire thing. He was not amused, lol.

Jarrod and Julia and Andrew had to head back home after lunch. It was a wonderful visit--I really love that whole family, they are wonderful to have around. I wish we could live in the same town as them and see them all the time.

Well, it's about that time to put the kids to sleep, so I will wrap it up for the night.

~Andie~

Company Picnic at Joyland

It's that time of year again--the annual Scoggin-Dickey company picnic at the Six Flags of the South Plains, Joyland!

Okay, so Joyland kind of sucks. Also, it is over 100 degrees, in dusty Lubbock, and--oh yeah--I am heavily pregnant. But having a bad attitude about it is not going to change anything, so I put on my happy face and off we went!

Michael is a blessed man. He asked his mother and grandmother to go with us as well, which meant we had a whole extra four hands to help us wrangle the kids, plus two extra adults to help heft kids I can't carry and ride rides I can't get on.

I had told Emerald all day that after nap, we were going to go somewhere special. She was beyond excited. Gabriel of course could care less, but I knew he was going to have a good time.

Right now, I am going to interject: the pictures will come later. I am not positive where my camera is off the top of my head, so I will add a post of accompanying pictures when I can locate it. I swear, I am misplacing everything these days...

Back to my story at hand, Grannymom and Glo came and picked us up at around 6, and Michael showed up before I could get the kids and myself organized enough to leave, so he just rode with us.

Dinner, as always, was River Smith's Chicken and Catfish. I can't tell you how excited I was--I couldn't even remember how long it had been since I had fried catfish. They had fried catfish, fried chicken, beans, potato salad, coleslaw, hushpuppies, white bread, cookies, cherry and apple cobblers, plus tea to drink. Gabriel was so enthralled with the water ride behind our table, so he barely ate half a sugar cookie. Emerald was pretty good about eating some of the chicken and bread, but I couldn't expect too much from either of them--it was entirely too hot to stuff your face. Not that I didn't. I mean, come on--fried chicken.

After we got into the park, Michael took the kids on this car ride that goes around and around in circles and honks obnoxiously. I personally abhor going even near that ride because 1) I hate the annoying car sounds, and 2) the roller coaster right behind it is ridiculously and jarringly loud, and always gives me the worst headache.

After that, Grannymom and Rhonda took the kids on the carousel. Emerald adored the horse she rode--she would be quite the equestrian if we let her, so I hope to nurture that interest in her. Gabriel seemed to enjoy that as well.

From the carousel, we were all dragging a bit in the heat, so we headed for the train.

Oh, my goodness, but Gabriel loved that train. I was able to ride with him and see every joyous expression on his face as we went around the park, through tunnels...it was really sweet to be able to share that with him. Emerald and Michael rode together a few seats in front of us.

I wish I could have stuck it out longer, but I was melting by that point so we loaded up in the car and went back to Rhonda's house. Rhonda had just gotten back from visiting Ken in DFW, so she came bearing gifts!

Michael got some new work slacks; the kids got adorable new clothes for school; and I got jammies for the hospital and really cute jewelry =) It was really sweet of them to think of us on their vacation, and everything was so nice!

Thus ends another year's picnic. Looking forward to taking all three kids next year (ack!)!!

--Andie!!--

Off My Heart (and Off Topic)

Last night I was pretty upset. I so very much wanted to write, but even the act itself was too painful. Since then I have transitioned into more of a numb, but with that dull ache that lingers long past the time you start pretending it’s not there.

Some things you just never expect to change.

Oh, you know that things evolve, grow, and develop over time—it is the very dynamic nature of life; but you expect the essence of what really matters to always be there, strong and fixed as nothing else stays. Of course you’re wrong. Since when does life stay static? How can it when everything else is changing? When it does happen, it feels like the floor falls out from underneath you, creating that pit in your stomach that jumps to your throat, the beginnings of fear.

I don’t know a person that hasn’t experienced it, and they all have a different way of describing the sensation: it’s like being slapped in the face, punched in the stomach, knocked on your ass…all attempting to express the same emotions: the hurt, betrayal, humiliation; the gut-wrenching disappointment and surprise. When the dust settles, the fear begins to set in, ask questions: are things ever going to be the same again? Is this my fault? Was I wrong? Can I ever forgive them?

The problem is that you have no control over some circumstances, and you have less control over other people. No matter how well you know them, people will always shock you. My mother has told me that you have to let them make their decisions and let them deal with the consequences, but I am so much less patient than she is. I want to shake them and berate them into making the right decision; when they dig in, I want to beat the common sense into their stupid heads. To realize that they don’t see things the same way I do…it kind of takes the wind out of my sails. When I stop fighting--when I feel like there is nothing left that I can do--that’s when the depression sets in. The fighting I can handle—at least that way I am doing something, still trying.

I guess it all comes back to the nature vs. nurture debate. I have never liked that dispute, personally. The entire purpose of it is to have somewhere to point the finger of blame for bad behavior or bad decisions. I would like to personally think we are all responsible for the decisions that we make, without the benefit of blaming the way we were raised or the natural tendencies genetically encrypted in us. The argument is, however, of special interest to me. I just can’t believe that somewhere inside me, inside Jarrod, inside Amber, are elements of Tim that we are powerless to repress. That someday, in some way, like the Hulk inside Bruce Banner, Tim will shine through us despite our lifelong striving to the contrary.

Maybe that is it—having the personality, the fortitude, the strength and integrity to never stop trying to rise above that little nugget of evil-potential inside of us. Some people have the tools to struggle against it, some people don’t.

I got off on a tangent there. Doesn’t really matter—I don’t know what I am getting at here anyway. Familial strife is to be expected. From what I hear, it happens in every family. And this whole thing was hardly unexpected, despite my denial. It was, in fact, long overdue in coming. The only thing that changed last night is that little last light—that feeble flickering of hope that my naivety held on to all this time that he might do the right thing, he might finally stand up and do what was right….that hope died.

Now that it is all out, it is time for it to go in its box and never be spoken of again. I’ll know it’s there, that little ache of something lost, but it is no longer a burden I wish to bear. It’s time to move on.

--Andie--

Communication

How do you communicate when you have no words?

That has been a question that has been on my mind a great deal lately, but there are really two parts to it:

The first part is, Gabriel is unable to communicate to us. Without words or signs, he has to resort to crude invented gestures in an attempt to get what he wants or needs. He has a master poker face--it is difficult to get a read on what he is ever thinking.

Yesterday, late in the day I realized something: in our house, we offer food at meal times and snack times, and if the kids reject the proffered food, they wait until the next food time rolls around. We don't make a big deal of it, so they don't make a big deal of it--sometimes, they opt to forgo a certain meal because it looks less appetizing to them or because they are not feeling hungry, and we view that as their right. Here it was, however, at dinner time, and I noticed something. At breakfast, Gabriel had torn his waffle in half and fed it to the cats. At lunch time, he had not touched the chicken and rice on his plate. It was nearing 7 and all he had to eat that day was fruit snacks at snack time, and a great deal of water. Why wasn't he crying? Why wasn't he asking for food--bringing me boxes from the pantry or his pictures from the fridge; why was he in no way attempting to fulfill his need for sustenance? How had I gone all day without noticing that my little boy was hungry?

His lack of communication is hurting him, interfering with his life. We can be certain of that. Michael and I have both seen him dejectedly give up on a toy that another kid takes away because he doesn't know how to get it back. We have seen him sadly look on as other kids play together and he honestly doesn't know how to get their attention, to engage them to notice him. It breaks our hearts. Oh, I wish I control everything and make it so that he never felt left out or alone, but the fact of the matter is the only thing I can do is teach him these skills. I can intervene on his behalf, but he is not gaining anything by us rescuing him all the time.

Last night, Gabriel woke up screaming. For no apparent reason in the middle of the night, he began crying and fighting us. We tried everything in our parental arsenal to calm the poor fellow--we made him a sippy cup of warm milk, rocked him, sang to him, changed him, patted his back, rubbed his tummy...besides holding the milk as if scared it would disappear (but not drinking it), he continued with his broken sobs for well over an hour.

I called Dr. Driskell today in concern, and she said it is most likely a night terror. This is where the child does not wake up, but is rather still sleeping, still experiencing what is upsetting them. That means that they are difficult to console because they are non-responsive to outside stimuli, and that he probably won't remember it the next day. She gave us some tips for dealing with it in the future, but my heart aches for my little boy.

The other side of the communication dilemma--Gabriel is unable to communicate with us...but we are also unable to communicate with Gabriel.

I asked the Speech Therapist (Cassie) today if Gabe was able to understand us. She was hesitant to answer because it is difficult to determine exactly what is getting through and what is not, but based on his responsivity, we can assume:

He has some word association. If you say Glo, he knows we are talking about Rhonda. If you mention outside, he can run to the door. Saying snack will usually illicit movement toward the kitchen. He understands that some things have words attached to them, and he can recognize some of those words (names are probably the biggest ones).

But since he has so little emotional drive or social satisfaction out of others' approval, the complexities of speech are not something he grasps. He doesn't understand most directions or prompts, and a great deal of conversation is simply lost on him.

In a way, this answered the question I was so desperate but so afraid to ask:

Does Gabriel know that I love him?

I know that of course that is a tough concept for children to wrap their heads around, since it is so abstract. But I still tell him and try and show him every day that he and his sister and his brother mean the world to Mommy and Daddy. I guess what that means is that even if he does understand...he might not care.

That is my goal, then. Drawing Gabriel out--giving him the gift of communication. Helping him be able to get what he wants and needs without my help; to comprehend what others are telling him and be able to follow instructions; to not feel so alone. But most of all, I want him to know--be able to feel it is true--that his family loves him, and that nothing he will ever do will change that.

~Andie~

Why I Love My Children

I have been experiencing a lot of stress and discouragement as a parent lately. To counteract this, at particular moments of despair or frustration, I have been writing entries about all the wonderful things about my babies--why, basically, I love them so much. I decided that maybe these wouldn't just benefit me, but for everyone to see them beyond the complaints of an over-stressed, over-tired mother. It would be nice to have some positive energy on this blog anyway.

All of this is to say: I am going to start semi-regular/when I particularly feel the drive posts about how glorious my children are. So, keep an eye out for that =)