A Few Changes

Obviously, there have been a few cosmetic changes to the blog site. I don't know how long I will stick with the re-design or if I will even be happy with it in a week, but for now I am enjoying how fresh and fun it seems. Michael and I are both a big fan of the color green (case in point--we named our daughter green), so I am hoping this will be a pleasant change in the long run.

This week we have got a lot on our plate again:

Sunday was church--the kids are really starting to enjoy going, although Emerald seems nervous and unsure and very shy. I should have probably suspected that seeing as I myself am quite the introvert, but Michael is so gregarious when he wants to be and Emerald takes after him so much, it is odd to see glimpses of myself in her. Gabriel can sit and focus once he gets the general idea, but he still makes at least one attempt at a jail break each class. It makes me nervous, because generally speaking, Gabriel can get out the door and down the hall before someone catches up to him; but his teachers are getting more adept at corraling him during his escapes. The fact that they are getting to know him as an individual is really encouraging, and gives me more hope that they will be able to contain his....energy and enthusiasm in future class times.

Today (Monday) we had speech therapy for Gabriel. Emerald will not have speech again until the school year starts, in which she will most likely be attending HeadStart and receiving her speech therapy there. I am still incredibly apprehensive about sending her to a preschool so very far away, but I have heard nothing but good things about the school and their facilities and how beneficial this program will be for Emerald, so I haven't chickened out quite yet.

As for Gabriel's speech, we found out that our case manager/speech therapist--the one that has worked with our family from the very beginning, when Emerald was first needing help--is not going to be with the ECI program next year; so as of mid-August, we will have a new Speech therapist.

Maybe it is the deeply ingrained Church of Christ in me that rebels against all forms of change, but I am starting to get a little panicky about the amount of things that are in transition this fall. First, we will lose Cassie, whom we all adore. Our pediatrician has accepted a fellowship elsewhere and we will have a new one as of August. Emerald will start preschool. I will bring home a new infant...

I know change can be a good thing, but I prefer it in small, manageable doses, allowing me to adjust a little at a time. Relinquishing some control will probably be good for me, however--being a parent is all about rolling with the punches.

Anyways, Tuesday (tomorrow) Michael and I will meet with Dr. Driskell to officially go over the results of the autism screening we had a few weeks ago and hear the official diagnoses. At the last appointment, she guaranteed we would be leaning toward PDD or autism, and this will be when we hear the final definitive answer. Of course, Michael and I are (as previously stated) treating this diagnoses more as a "high risk for PDD/Autism", something to work on and keep an eye on until he is of a more appropriate age to communicate; but this opens doors and provides resources that may help Gabriel catch up in the areas he is delayed.

I am not entirely certain what to expect from this appointment--the general overview that she gave us last time was that she would go over the results from all the paperwork we filled out and all the specialists reports and her own observations; she would discuss all these things with us, provide resources, answer any questions, as well as provide us with some literature so that we can start educating ourselves with what we are dealing with here.

Tuesday afternoon, Gabriel and Emerald will go spend some time with Grannymom and DadDad so that Michael can take me to my Dr. Hales appointment. I am very, very thankful to them for watching the kids so that Michael can come with me. At the very least, this is going to be a 3-D ultrasound, which he would be sad to miss.

The good news is that I have gotten Benjamin's movements up into a normal range--he is hitting the kick mark twice a day, every day now. Whether that is because of what I do, or just because he is bigger and getting more active...who knows. But that is a plus side.

The bad news is that I am having the hardest time controlling my blood sugar. It is frequently too high, and I keep falling into dizziness/light-headed spells that sap my energy and my strength when I am supposed to be watching two very energetic, lively toddlers. The worst part is when I come out of them very disoriented and confused, which means that I don't know how to care for myself to rectify the problems, or how to effectively communicate my needs to someone else (i.e. Michael) so that he can help me fix the problem.

Those..."episodes", I guess you could call them (although that makes them seem much more serious than they actually are) particularly suck for the simple fact that I don't know what causes them, which means it is hard to pinpoint how to fix it. It could be low or high blood sugar--if it is low, I need to eat; if it is high, I need to walk around the block for a bit. If it is low blood pressure (brought on by the uncontrolled glucose issue), I need to do more vigorous exercising that really gets my heart pumping. If it is just the heat, I need to lay down and cool down....for all I know, it is just Benjamin pressing on that big blood vessel back there (which has happened before) and cutting off blood flow to my brain, which can be fixed by shifting positions. It's hard to know what to do in those situations.

Tomorrow at the Dr. Hales appointment, he will check the amniotic fluid level to make sure that the diabetes is not directly and quantifiably affecting the baby (too high of a level means an increase in urination--sign of diabetes), as well as to check the growth of Ben to make sure he is not on the path to macrosomia (huge baby).

Wednesday, Gabriel has his ABR (Auditory Brainstem Response) as the final check on his hearing. I am hoping it will go well and he will allow the monitors to be placed and kept on his head; but if Gabriel is anything, it is unpredictable.

Thursday is simply an ECI day--we will meet with Tammy in the morning and Kelli in the afternoon. When Cassie leaves, Tammy will be our new case manager because she has spent so much time with the family and is so familiar with the case.

So, all in all--crazy busy week. Trying to stay positive and calm; doing my "Yoga Mama" with Emerald, though Gabriel thinks Downward Facing Dog makes me a neat London Bridge analog.

I'll let you know how things go, and write about the journey to Gabriel's name =)

-Andie-

Emerald

I have been really depressed lately, given all the unusual circumstances life has given us in the past few months, so I have been retreating even more often into my refuge—onomastics, baby names.

It seems silly to be researching something when Michael and I have all ready picked out a name for our little Belly Bumbler, but it really is soothing to me and there are a few hundred pregnant women on my forums that are searching for help naming their own little additions. All of this has prompted me to write blog posts about old news (since there is no new news going on quite yet, I figure it will be okay just this once….or twice)—why we chose the names we chose for our older children.

This first post is going to be about our oldest, Emerald, because this saga in a way informs the next two.

My first pregnancy was…let’s suffice to say it was unexpected. I have thought about names my entire life, so I had some favorites picked out long before I had ever met Michael. Most of my boy names were off the list because neither of us wanted to use names too close to family—

My top pick for boys’ names was hands down Stephen. I fell in love with the name Stephen when I did a project in church as a girl about the story of the stoning of Stephen in Acts. You would think that would super turn me off from the name, but I actually found the story beautiful—peace and utter faith, even in the face of death. Unfortunately, Michael’s uncle is named Steven, and Michael and I had agreed that to avoid confusion we would not use names that were too close to the core family…..so Stephen was out.

I also really liked Michael, which I obviously could not use (it was a name Mom considered when pregnant with me); Luke (ex-boyfriend. Free advice—if you love a name, NEVER date someone with that name!!); and Varian. Varian was the only viable option but Michael super seriously hated it. Like…seriously.

Boy’s names were frustrating, but that is okay, because I actually knew from the moment that I found out I was pregnant that I was having a baby girl. Don’t ask me how I know; I was just very taken with the conviction. Maybe it was because of a dream I had right before admitting that all the vomiting and crying and sleeping round the clock might actually be a baby. I dreamt that I had an infant girl with dark curly hair and very green eyes sleeping on my chest. In my dream, I knew her name was Irish Lynn. When I woke, I could still feel the weight of the little body on my chest, and I formed an attachment to the name.

Unfortunately, Michael was not sold on Irish, or the other two female names that I had loved growing up—Scarlett and Charlotte (Charlie).

It does not matter how compatible you and your significant other are; it doesn’t matter how you love all the same things, or how much you have in common, or how you agree on everything…when it comes to baby names, you will NOT be seeing eye to eye, and there will be a ton of disagreement.

Anyways, so back to my story: One name Michael and I did agree on was Benjamin Reilly, if the baby was a boy. Another rule of naming—if you easily settle on one name, you are going to have the other gender. After some selling, Michael started to like his great-grandmother’s name for our baby girl…Tula.

Tula Lynn was super adorable, and it had family meaning; it was unique but not too weird (our “style”—I will tell you, that is not a style. That is such a broad sweeping statement; a style is much more defined than that). Anyways, it felt like we had settled on a name. But the overwhelming feedback was not positive—people were confused and disliked the name. Had I known back then what I know now about names, I would have shrugged it off. But at the time, I wanted to please everyone, so I abandoned the name we both loved and kept looking.

At some point, I had crafted a master list of names that others had suggested to us as their favorites for our baby, complete with middle names. That was stupid—seriously. Using a name I didn’t love because someone else liked it was not a good gift to give to our daughter. I needed to find what our individual styles were and combine them to find a name.

Michael tended to like what he liked with complete disregard to popularity, style, or meaning. Most of his could be linked back to his interests though—if he could make some connection with a positive memory, he liked the name. One of his favorite names was Sophia because of a book he had read when he was younger. I liked Sophia, and had even started considering Sophia Gwen, but when I referred to my bump by Sophia or Sophie, it just didn’t feel right. The baby I was carrying was not a Sophie to me, if that makes sense.

My personal naming style was much more broad and all over the place. I liked traditionally boy names for girls, as well as artistic names, romantic names, foreign names…I later discovered that what I liked was from literature, because it combines all the romance and artistic expression that I liked.

I want to say that we picked a name and stuck with it and were ready for delivery day, but the truth of the matter was, we were just as confused at 9 months as we were at the beginning. One name that we both really liked was Katie Lynn, and we even called her by that name for a few months before she was born, but we could not settle on a proper first name—Michael was okay with using just Katie, but I wanted something formal, but not Katherine. We argued our way into a stalemate, and Katie Lynn was out as well.

Going into the c-section three weeks before I knew the baby was going to be there, I am frantically asking every nurse we are passing if they have any suggestions for what I should name this child. One suggested Emma Leigh. I hated that, just outright. But Michael really liked Emma, and it was awfully cute. What could it be short for? Em…Emily…Emeline…Emerald?

My brother has a very close friend that has the name Emerald, and it was everything that I was searching for—romantic and artistic and unique but not weird and oh-so-beautiful. The original Emerald is a photographer and had left her business information for us, including her name in beautiful script. Michael and I were both enthusiastic about this name. The two middle name considerations—Lynn and Renae—were both family names; Lynn is Michael’s middle name and Renae is mine. Emerald Renae had a better ring, so when she was a day old, we announced our little girl’s name:

Emerald Renae Wearden

Since I have chosen the name, I have found more and more justification for why it is the most perfect name in the whole world. I am really great at that =)

Emerald is an English name, derived from the gemstone and meaning “precious jewel”. The stone is believed to impart love to the bearer, just like our perfect Emerald did for us. The emerald is one of four precious stones—diamond, ruby, sapphire, and emerald. As far as popularity goes, it was only on the Social Security Administration’s top baby names from 2000 until 2002, and even then it was in the high 900’s (not widely used at all). The stone is my best friend, Erika’s, most favorite and green her favorite color, and they would share the same initials, EW. My sister’s name is also a precious gem name, Amber, and my much beloved great-grandmother’s birthstone is emerald (although Emerald herself has the birthstone of sapphire).

Some people would argue that we crossed from unique all the way into just bizarre; but Emerald shares a style with other well-accepted names. It is a jewel name, like Pearl, Ruby, and Amber; it is a color, like Violet, Rose, and Jade; and it is a word name, like Autumn, Melody, and Jasmine. It has the full capability of becoming a mainstream name, it just hasn’t.

Renae is my middle name, as well as my mother’s middle name. It is an English variation on the French Renee, which means “born again”, making Emerald’s full name meaning “precious jewel, born again”. Renae has never been popular for either gender.

As much fun as I have with baby names, I found that whole process exhausting and discouraging and not as advertised. I had this mental image that I would come across the perfect baby name in a book, suggest it to Michael who would love it as well, and together on the day that our baby was born we would share it with all our friends and family to widespread happiness and approval. It was nothing in the slightest like that.

Overall, though, I think Michael and I are happy with the name we chose. It on occasion been frustrating—for instance, people always think we are saying Emeril, so they uncertainly say “…bam?” accompanied with a trademark hand motion, in confusion. But Emerald is the perfect name for her, and I can’t imagine any other name suiting her better =)

~Andie~

29 weeks, Doctor's Visit

Another busy, busy day "off" for poor Michael. Luckily, we still have Sunday this week where he may be able to rest.

This morning, he had a follow-up with Dr. Smith to make sure that he is all healed from his surgery--everything is looking great, it was a quick appointment, and Mike came out significantly more optimistic.

At 10 we met with the director of the HeadStart program for Emerald to apply for this upcoming fall. Unfortunately, I remembered as we were getting ready to leave that there was some paperwork that we would need to bring with us...and some of it is in Michael's office, in the opposite direction of the appointment.

Luckily, we make it without rushing or stressing too, too much. The interviewer--Kenna--was incredibly nice and helpful, and she all but guaranteed Emerald a spot next year. We got extra points because Emerald was in ECI so long and because I am pregnant (which makes us a "transitional" family). What stinks is that there was a HeadStart moments from our house (freaking 19th and Frankford!!) but that branch is getting closed down, so we have a bit more of a drive ahead of us now. As we were leaving, Kenna commented that she has never had better behaved children in her office before. It kind of made my day--cheered me right up.

This afternoon, I had a OB appointment; just a routine check-up for little Benjamin.

Since we did not have anyone to keep an eye on the kids, Andrew drove me to my appointment while Michael stayed at home with Emerald and Gabriel.

Unfortunately, the doctor's appointment did not really go as well as we would have liked.

They were running behind because of some emergencies that had cropped up, but that never really bothers me unless we have someone else watching the kids, which we didn't. It kind of stinks for Michael because it takes up more of his day off, but I try to not get worked up over the little stuff.

When I did finally get taken back, my blood pressure came back surprisingly low, even for me. I am confused as to exactly why it's taken a dip, especially after the stress-fraught month we have had, but I am not going to obsess about it excessively.

The other vital that they take was more concerning. I am 29 weeks pregnant, and I have only gained a total of 4 pounds.

In general, a pregnant woman is supposed to gain 25-35 pounds during the course of her pregnancy: 2-4 for the first trimester, and a pound a week for the remainder of the pregnancy. Which means that I should have, by this point, put on about 20 pounds; I have gained 1/5 of my objective.

Most people would say, "so what? Start eating like a piglet!" They would be forgetting about the incessantly annoying gestational diabetes.

Since I had it with my last two, the doctors are being cautious to keep an eye on my blood sugar. Which means that if I pork out and start packing on the pounds, Benjamin will suffer--it could affect the development of his lungs, cause too much fatty build up on the northern extremities of his body, or give him hypoglycemia. It could have much more serious consequences as well, so it is more advisable to keep a close reign on what I eat.

Though I passed my three-hour glucose (there was an earlier post about that--I muddled the results by walking around excessively), there are obvious signs that I am diabetic again. My eyesight has been blurry, my skin has discoloration, excessive craving of ice, and sluggish fetal movement. The rest of the concerns are minor, but if I can't start getting Benjamin to be more active, they will move me into a very high risk pregnancy classification and we will have to start doing Non-Stress Tests (NST's) twice a week from here on out, a total of three months.

Our plan as of right now:

I have to start eating six meals a day, with a more heavy emphasis on protein. Peanut butter should become my best friend because it will help bump up my weight without compromising the health of the baby.

They gave me a nifty little blood-sugar tester and I need to start doing 7-8 finger pricks a day. Fasting should be around 95, and after meals should be no higher than 130.

Another bloody freaking I-hate-my-life three-hour glucose test with that cup of horrible and nasty evil. I don't know if you are picking up on this, but I could not be more freaking thrilled to be doing this test again. :-/

Drinking full-sugared Gatorade to give Ben a little jump start before counting kicks twice a day now. There is a possibility that I am just falling way short of my sugar intake goals, which would affect Benjamin just as negatively.

After all that worry and stress, I finally got to see my little boy. =) We absolutely know without a doubt that it is a boy--when the nurse came in, she saw the screen and stepped back saying "woah. Never actually seen an erection in utero before", lol.

All four pounds that I have managed to gain thus far can be attributed to little Benji though--he is just shy of 4 lbs, which means that my body is taking care of his needs. It could also mean that uncontrolled blood sugar is causing macrosomia, but I am going to try and be more positive and assume that my body is really taking good care of the little fella.

All in all, they gave me a lot to think about and to keep an eye on--next week we will do the 3-hour and hopefully everything will start going the way it is supposed to so that we don't have to increase the doctor's visits.

I'll let you know how everything goes as it comes up.

~Andie~

Determined to Have a Good Monday

Michael had errands to run today during lunch, so he would not be home, which meant that I was doubly determined for me and the kids to have a good day after the discouraging and depressing disaster that was Sunday.

I know it is silly, but I never feel more cheated than when a day with Michael gets ruined by my bad attitude and by disobedient or naughty children. We don't get to see the guy that often--I would very much like for us to have good days then.

Since I knew it was probably going to hit triple digits again today, I went ahead and took the kids out first thing while it was still cool. We swung and read books and seesawed and play pretended. First, we were astronauts and Gabriel was the captain that had to control the ship when we lose control of it (one of his most favorite games). Then we were in fly boat, headed we didn't know where. Gabriel recently discovered that he really loves the tricycle that is back there for him, so he had me push him around while Emerald chased us on her scooter. We had little races, and just enjoyed the fresh air and getting to run around since we have been a bit cooped up lately.

When we got in, I really had to clean, so I set the kids to helping me straighten up. I was actually able to turn off the AC all morning and let the house air out--I don't like how stuffy it gets in here during the summer, and the big window in our living room really helps air the place out.

Then we got to do what the kids had been looking forward to--making chocolate swirl cake.

Emerald helped me mixing all the ingredients together and greasing and flouring the pan--I was a fuddy-duddy and wouldn't let her lick the spoon because there were raw eggs in the batter, but she didn't know any better so it was okay.

While it baked, Emerald and I did activities in her Humpty Dumpty magazine. Does anyone else remember those? I always saw them in doctor's offices, and they have connect-the-dots and stories and word searches...it gave me and Emerald a great chance to work on identifying her letters and numbers and on following instructions...she really had a great time, and it took her mind off the chocolate cake I wasn't letting her have yet.

While the cake was baking, I made lunch--corndogs and chips for the kids; BBQ chicken legs and side salad for me. I wanted to save up my sugar intake for the cake. By the time they were done eating, the cake was cooled off enough that Gabriel was able to help me frost it. I figured it would be the only thing that he was capable of helping with, but as expected, he scraped handful after handful of icing off the cake to eat straight. He is exceedingly difficult.

But our hard work was worth it, because the kids were very happy with the results--the cake was delicious.

I wanted to help them burn off a bit of energy, so we wrestled a bit afterwards, and played little games on the couch like tickle monster and buzz went the bee.

During most of the morning, they were sweet and cooperative, but when Gabriel brought me the case to New Vegas (the video game I traditionally play while they are falling asleep), I figured they were pretty worn out. Gabriel lay down and fell asleep right away. But Emerald scowled and sulked and outright defied me until I got so mad that I told her if she didn't take a nap she couldn't go to VBS that night. She happily said "Okay, I not go to VBS" and jumped off the couch. Now I am stuck either honestly not taking her and facing a breakdown because I need the time away from them; or caving and letting her go even though I can't face another screaming tantrum when we go pick her up tonight and though it would symbolize another parenting battle I have lost. I am frustrated and angry and discouraged...

Anyways, Mission: Good Monday was a big steaming pile of fail. I am ordering a full retreat for a cup of ice and a cry. Maybe a bubble bath. I think I've earned it.

2nd night of VBS tonight--hope it goes well. Ugh.

~Andie~

VBS and Sunday

Yesterday was Mike's day off, as well as Sunday and the first day of Vacation Bible School. It was going to be quite the busy day!!

Sunday started out on a sour note. We got up early to get ready, but while I was trying to get myself presentable, Gabriel was standing on the toilet trying to stuff my jewelry down the drain and Emerald was digging through my armoire asking if she could wear everything. When I finally managed to scare them out, I realized that I didn't have the foggiest notion where my glasses were. I didn't want to go to church without them, so we had to tear the house apart looking for them--ended up being beneath my bed for who knows what reason (probably Gabe). So, we were all tense and cranky, but we were packed and dressed and on our way.

Sunday School was cancelled (or modified, rather)--Gabriel, since he would stay in one classroom during VBS, had class as usual. He is apparently a little old for his classroom, leaning toward Explorers instead of Walkers and Talkers, but it is hard to tell exactly where he fits in because of his development.

On the one hand, he benefits from being with the younger because they are still restrained in the chairs, he may be able to focus on the subject material a bit better, and because of they have more volunteers for that class. For example, when we put him in that class yesterday morning, there were roughly 5 volunteers, one of which held Gabriel and one that guarded the door so that he could not escape. But he is so much bigger and stronger, and physically and motor-wise he is strong and capable for his age, so he doesn't fit in in that way. In the older class, they expect more of him and have less adult eyes and hands to watch him, but it is where he "belongs".

We are very hesitant about what we tell his teachers because we don't want him treated differently, but if we say nothing then they will just assume he is a problem child--he doesn't listen, he uses physical indicators of his wishes (like pushing kids to indicate "run with me"), and he has difficulty settling down and paying attention. It is a conundrum, and the worst part is that there seems to be no middle ground--if we tell them that he is just rambunctious and has trouble focusing, they smile because lots of boys are like that and they shrug our concerns off as worry from over-protective parents. It's frustrating.

Anyway, off on a bit of a tangent there. The modified Sunday School came in for Emerald and for me and Michael--instead of separate classes, all the 3 and older kids that were attending VBS met together as kind of a kick-start to the week with their parents. Michael and I took her down there, and she was so happy to be at church!

Did I say "happy"? Because what I meant was "surly and unpleasant".

She didn't seem to want to be in class with us, but with her friends; she saw all these awesome activities set up that we were not allowing her to yet participate in, and because it did not feel like traditional "church", she did not adhere herself to the general guidelines of church behavior, such as talking quietly, being respectful, and not screaming and throwing fits. It was humiliating and frustrating and I just wanted to sneak out the backdoor. Probably would have if the thought of two hours a night without the kids wasn't so darned alluring.

The singing got Emerald in a better mood, and then it was activity time. There were tables set up all over the room and we were to walk from table to table, helping Emerald complete the fun little activities set up on each one. Fun!!

Only 3 years old was the youngest group they were accepting into VBS, so 95% of the tables were not age-appropriate for her. It was hectic and chaotic and exhausting, pushing our way to each table just to discover that the activity there was too old for her to be able to do. And that's not even considering that loud noises and chaos make Emerald very anxious and upset.

We took some crayons and a coloring sheet and went and sit down by ourselves to color. This made us much happier--Emerald and I sang a song for Barney but slightly revised for church: Oh, I like red--it's the color of an apple; Orange, it's the color of an orange; Yellow, it's a lemon and our wonderful sun, sun, sun! Green, it's the color of trees and lots of things that grow; and then there's blue for the sky; and purple is a color that's fun, fun, fun. And when we put those colors side by side, now what do you think we've done? We've made a Jesus, and it's a really beautiful one, one, one!

It was cute and sweet, and we were feeling a little more relaxed. After that, there was a sectioned off area that had balloons blown up that felt like the last true station that Emerald would be able to participate at (there was also a finger-painting table, but that was ill-conceived at best, considering all the kids were in their church best). Emerald loved the balloons so much, even though there was this little butthole kid that kept stealing the balloons Emerald was throwing up in the air. I almost went in there and pushed him down, but that would have been immature, and either way, there were lots of balloons and Emerald didn't seem very upset.

We decided that the balloon station was the last one we would visit since there didn't seem to be anything else Emerald would be able to do, and because it was time to pick up Gabriel. I wish I could say Emerald took us leaving well, but she screeched like a banshee and pulled on our arms and generally made the experience unbearable all the way to get Gabriel and then to the car.

We are all fairly worn out, so after lunch the kids and I lay down to take a nap. And of course, the kids fight that as well tooth and nail. For hours we lay there, nothing I did made a difference. Feeling horrible and defeated, I let them get back up even though they hadn't slept and would make the rest of our day even more unpleasant with their cranky attitudes. Gabriel ended up coming back and laying next to me and falling asleep when he was tired (which, before you say it, is not a win--I try and have them on a schedule for a REASON), but Emerald played all afternoon just as whiny and awful as I had expected.

That night we dropped them off at VBS for their first official night. Gabriel was in the Explorer's class, which is in a classroom he had never been in before, with no kids he knew, and the teacher smiled that knowing smile of "boys will be boys" while we tried to explain to her that Gabriel had special needs and would be a little difficult. Feeling incredibly insecure, we go to take Emerald to her class.

All classes are meeting in the auditorium, so we have to drop her off with hundreds of people milling around on a pew with a guy we didn't know with no idea of what kind of schedule they had or anything. She had a backpack with extra pull-ups and wipes because she is not a real potty-pro yet, especially if she is distracted by playing and she doesn't know where the bathroom is....but there is no where for us to put her bag. She will have to carry it around and keep up with it herself, and we have to make sure to get it back at the end of the night. Granted, we made it small and light so that she would be able to carry it on her back, but asking a three-year old to keep up with something all night is the height of absurdity. Nobody can tell us what time we are supposed to pick the kids back up.

I don't get it. Even ECI has said--Bright Horizons is one of the most structured daycares in the area; but this ramshackle event seems slapped together. I am beyond terrified to leave my children there, not the least because during the school year all the doors are locked and you have to show ID to pick up your child and here, there are hundreds of volunteers and parents just wandering around and there is a very rudimentary "baggage claim ticket" system for retrieving your child.

Michael was just as apprehensive as I was, but we were determined not to worry and to have a good night. I had a giftcard for Barnes and Noble left from mother's day, so Michael took me there. Originally my thought was to get a good book on autism so that I could start reading up on it, but the employee that helped us find the autism books was actually amazingly helpful--she showed us where the books were, but informed us that Region 17--a place that is mere minutes from our house--lends out books and videos for parents with children with ASD for free, as well as providing endless resources. It is a much preferable option, and it was really nice of her to help us out like that. I ended up opting to get another Jude Deveraux for my collection.

Then we had a quiet dinner where we talked mostly about books and the different things we have liked to read over the years, how our tastes have changed...it is a lot of fun to not talk about the kids sometimes =)

We got back to VBS a little early because we didn't know exactly when to come back, but it turned out to be a good thing--Gabriel was the only kid left in his class.

Okay, I am trying to decide if this upsets me or not. When we dropped Gabriel off, we put him in a chair and he was playing with a puzzle. When we came back, he was strapped into the same chair (it was a seat belt), there were tear-tracks on his sweet cheeks, and he was a couple feet away from the table that everything else would have been going on. They told me that they had to scoot him back because he kept chewing on the bumper on the table and he wouldn't stop.

What bothers me is that I don't know how long he was in that chair--he was there for two hours; had they restrained him for that long?? We had told them that he had some difficulties with classroom settings, but as volunteers, they seemed unprepared and incapable of handling a child like Gabriel. I found the situation so off-putting that I am apprehensive about ever sending him back. Now if that is my "no one will ever watch my kids as well as I do" mentality or actual genuine concerns that I should not repress, I am not entirely certain.

But we picked up Gabriel and he clung to me so tight like he was terrified I would let him go--he only does that desperate of a hug when he sees Michael after we have been out of town for several weeks without Daddy.

We go into the auditorium because that portion of the night is not quite done and we watch from some of the back pews as they wrap it all up--Emerald seems happy up there. I see a teacher from Bright Horizons that had both Emerald and Gabriel in her class right in front of us--she is pregnant with a little girl named Morgan that is coming in July. We got to talk a little about life and kids and pregnancy and stuff, and she invited us to visit the Sunday class she is a part of--Fellowship of Christian Couples. Everyone in there tend to be late twenties with kids, so Mike and I may check it out.

I fed the kids before we sent them to VBS, but they barely ate and came back pretty hungry. Emerald, true to form, screamed and kicked while we were trying to get her home because she was so tired. She said she did not have a good day at VBS and when we told her she didn't have to go back, she was actually pretty okay with it, further causing my worry. I don't know if I want to send them back.

Emerald fell asleep pretty easily that night, but Gabriel waited and waited and waited until I let him come to bed with me and Mike. Frustrating.

Bleh, at least the very long and frustrating day was over.

~Andie~