29 weeks, Doctor's Visit

Another busy, busy day "off" for poor Michael. Luckily, we still have Sunday this week where he may be able to rest.

This morning, he had a follow-up with Dr. Smith to make sure that he is all healed from his surgery--everything is looking great, it was a quick appointment, and Mike came out significantly more optimistic.

At 10 we met with the director of the HeadStart program for Emerald to apply for this upcoming fall. Unfortunately, I remembered as we were getting ready to leave that there was some paperwork that we would need to bring with us...and some of it is in Michael's office, in the opposite direction of the appointment.

Luckily, we make it without rushing or stressing too, too much. The interviewer--Kenna--was incredibly nice and helpful, and she all but guaranteed Emerald a spot next year. We got extra points because Emerald was in ECI so long and because I am pregnant (which makes us a "transitional" family). What stinks is that there was a HeadStart moments from our house (freaking 19th and Frankford!!) but that branch is getting closed down, so we have a bit more of a drive ahead of us now. As we were leaving, Kenna commented that she has never had better behaved children in her office before. It kind of made my day--cheered me right up.

This afternoon, I had a OB appointment; just a routine check-up for little Benjamin.

Since we did not have anyone to keep an eye on the kids, Andrew drove me to my appointment while Michael stayed at home with Emerald and Gabriel.

Unfortunately, the doctor's appointment did not really go as well as we would have liked.

They were running behind because of some emergencies that had cropped up, but that never really bothers me unless we have someone else watching the kids, which we didn't. It kind of stinks for Michael because it takes up more of his day off, but I try to not get worked up over the little stuff.

When I did finally get taken back, my blood pressure came back surprisingly low, even for me. I am confused as to exactly why it's taken a dip, especially after the stress-fraught month we have had, but I am not going to obsess about it excessively.

The other vital that they take was more concerning. I am 29 weeks pregnant, and I have only gained a total of 4 pounds.

In general, a pregnant woman is supposed to gain 25-35 pounds during the course of her pregnancy: 2-4 for the first trimester, and a pound a week for the remainder of the pregnancy. Which means that I should have, by this point, put on about 20 pounds; I have gained 1/5 of my objective.

Most people would say, "so what? Start eating like a piglet!" They would be forgetting about the incessantly annoying gestational diabetes.

Since I had it with my last two, the doctors are being cautious to keep an eye on my blood sugar. Which means that if I pork out and start packing on the pounds, Benjamin will suffer--it could affect the development of his lungs, cause too much fatty build up on the northern extremities of his body, or give him hypoglycemia. It could have much more serious consequences as well, so it is more advisable to keep a close reign on what I eat.

Though I passed my three-hour glucose (there was an earlier post about that--I muddled the results by walking around excessively), there are obvious signs that I am diabetic again. My eyesight has been blurry, my skin has discoloration, excessive craving of ice, and sluggish fetal movement. The rest of the concerns are minor, but if I can't start getting Benjamin to be more active, they will move me into a very high risk pregnancy classification and we will have to start doing Non-Stress Tests (NST's) twice a week from here on out, a total of three months.

Our plan as of right now:

I have to start eating six meals a day, with a more heavy emphasis on protein. Peanut butter should become my best friend because it will help bump up my weight without compromising the health of the baby.

They gave me a nifty little blood-sugar tester and I need to start doing 7-8 finger pricks a day. Fasting should be around 95, and after meals should be no higher than 130.

Another bloody freaking I-hate-my-life three-hour glucose test with that cup of horrible and nasty evil. I don't know if you are picking up on this, but I could not be more freaking thrilled to be doing this test again. :-/

Drinking full-sugared Gatorade to give Ben a little jump start before counting kicks twice a day now. There is a possibility that I am just falling way short of my sugar intake goals, which would affect Benjamin just as negatively.

After all that worry and stress, I finally got to see my little boy. =) We absolutely know without a doubt that it is a boy--when the nurse came in, she saw the screen and stepped back saying "woah. Never actually seen an erection in utero before", lol.

All four pounds that I have managed to gain thus far can be attributed to little Benji though--he is just shy of 4 lbs, which means that my body is taking care of his needs. It could also mean that uncontrolled blood sugar is causing macrosomia, but I am going to try and be more positive and assume that my body is really taking good care of the little fella.

All in all, they gave me a lot to think about and to keep an eye on--next week we will do the 3-hour and hopefully everything will start going the way it is supposed to so that we don't have to increase the doctor's visits.

I'll let you know how everything goes as it comes up.

~Andie~

Determined to Have a Good Monday

Michael had errands to run today during lunch, so he would not be home, which meant that I was doubly determined for me and the kids to have a good day after the discouraging and depressing disaster that was Sunday.

I know it is silly, but I never feel more cheated than when a day with Michael gets ruined by my bad attitude and by disobedient or naughty children. We don't get to see the guy that often--I would very much like for us to have good days then.

Since I knew it was probably going to hit triple digits again today, I went ahead and took the kids out first thing while it was still cool. We swung and read books and seesawed and play pretended. First, we were astronauts and Gabriel was the captain that had to control the ship when we lose control of it (one of his most favorite games). Then we were in fly boat, headed we didn't know where. Gabriel recently discovered that he really loves the tricycle that is back there for him, so he had me push him around while Emerald chased us on her scooter. We had little races, and just enjoyed the fresh air and getting to run around since we have been a bit cooped up lately.

When we got in, I really had to clean, so I set the kids to helping me straighten up. I was actually able to turn off the AC all morning and let the house air out--I don't like how stuffy it gets in here during the summer, and the big window in our living room really helps air the place out.

Then we got to do what the kids had been looking forward to--making chocolate swirl cake.

Emerald helped me mixing all the ingredients together and greasing and flouring the pan--I was a fuddy-duddy and wouldn't let her lick the spoon because there were raw eggs in the batter, but she didn't know any better so it was okay.

While it baked, Emerald and I did activities in her Humpty Dumpty magazine. Does anyone else remember those? I always saw them in doctor's offices, and they have connect-the-dots and stories and word searches...it gave me and Emerald a great chance to work on identifying her letters and numbers and on following instructions...she really had a great time, and it took her mind off the chocolate cake I wasn't letting her have yet.

While the cake was baking, I made lunch--corndogs and chips for the kids; BBQ chicken legs and side salad for me. I wanted to save up my sugar intake for the cake. By the time they were done eating, the cake was cooled off enough that Gabriel was able to help me frost it. I figured it would be the only thing that he was capable of helping with, but as expected, he scraped handful after handful of icing off the cake to eat straight. He is exceedingly difficult.

But our hard work was worth it, because the kids were very happy with the results--the cake was delicious.

I wanted to help them burn off a bit of energy, so we wrestled a bit afterwards, and played little games on the couch like tickle monster and buzz went the bee.

During most of the morning, they were sweet and cooperative, but when Gabriel brought me the case to New Vegas (the video game I traditionally play while they are falling asleep), I figured they were pretty worn out. Gabriel lay down and fell asleep right away. But Emerald scowled and sulked and outright defied me until I got so mad that I told her if she didn't take a nap she couldn't go to VBS that night. She happily said "Okay, I not go to VBS" and jumped off the couch. Now I am stuck either honestly not taking her and facing a breakdown because I need the time away from them; or caving and letting her go even though I can't face another screaming tantrum when we go pick her up tonight and though it would symbolize another parenting battle I have lost. I am frustrated and angry and discouraged...

Anyways, Mission: Good Monday was a big steaming pile of fail. I am ordering a full retreat for a cup of ice and a cry. Maybe a bubble bath. I think I've earned it.

2nd night of VBS tonight--hope it goes well. Ugh.

~Andie~

VBS and Sunday

Yesterday was Mike's day off, as well as Sunday and the first day of Vacation Bible School. It was going to be quite the busy day!!

Sunday started out on a sour note. We got up early to get ready, but while I was trying to get myself presentable, Gabriel was standing on the toilet trying to stuff my jewelry down the drain and Emerald was digging through my armoire asking if she could wear everything. When I finally managed to scare them out, I realized that I didn't have the foggiest notion where my glasses were. I didn't want to go to church without them, so we had to tear the house apart looking for them--ended up being beneath my bed for who knows what reason (probably Gabe). So, we were all tense and cranky, but we were packed and dressed and on our way.

Sunday School was cancelled (or modified, rather)--Gabriel, since he would stay in one classroom during VBS, had class as usual. He is apparently a little old for his classroom, leaning toward Explorers instead of Walkers and Talkers, but it is hard to tell exactly where he fits in because of his development.

On the one hand, he benefits from being with the younger because they are still restrained in the chairs, he may be able to focus on the subject material a bit better, and because of they have more volunteers for that class. For example, when we put him in that class yesterday morning, there were roughly 5 volunteers, one of which held Gabriel and one that guarded the door so that he could not escape. But he is so much bigger and stronger, and physically and motor-wise he is strong and capable for his age, so he doesn't fit in in that way. In the older class, they expect more of him and have less adult eyes and hands to watch him, but it is where he "belongs".

We are very hesitant about what we tell his teachers because we don't want him treated differently, but if we say nothing then they will just assume he is a problem child--he doesn't listen, he uses physical indicators of his wishes (like pushing kids to indicate "run with me"), and he has difficulty settling down and paying attention. It is a conundrum, and the worst part is that there seems to be no middle ground--if we tell them that he is just rambunctious and has trouble focusing, they smile because lots of boys are like that and they shrug our concerns off as worry from over-protective parents. It's frustrating.

Anyway, off on a bit of a tangent there. The modified Sunday School came in for Emerald and for me and Michael--instead of separate classes, all the 3 and older kids that were attending VBS met together as kind of a kick-start to the week with their parents. Michael and I took her down there, and she was so happy to be at church!

Did I say "happy"? Because what I meant was "surly and unpleasant".

She didn't seem to want to be in class with us, but with her friends; she saw all these awesome activities set up that we were not allowing her to yet participate in, and because it did not feel like traditional "church", she did not adhere herself to the general guidelines of church behavior, such as talking quietly, being respectful, and not screaming and throwing fits. It was humiliating and frustrating and I just wanted to sneak out the backdoor. Probably would have if the thought of two hours a night without the kids wasn't so darned alluring.

The singing got Emerald in a better mood, and then it was activity time. There were tables set up all over the room and we were to walk from table to table, helping Emerald complete the fun little activities set up on each one. Fun!!

Only 3 years old was the youngest group they were accepting into VBS, so 95% of the tables were not age-appropriate for her. It was hectic and chaotic and exhausting, pushing our way to each table just to discover that the activity there was too old for her to be able to do. And that's not even considering that loud noises and chaos make Emerald very anxious and upset.

We took some crayons and a coloring sheet and went and sit down by ourselves to color. This made us much happier--Emerald and I sang a song for Barney but slightly revised for church: Oh, I like red--it's the color of an apple; Orange, it's the color of an orange; Yellow, it's a lemon and our wonderful sun, sun, sun! Green, it's the color of trees and lots of things that grow; and then there's blue for the sky; and purple is a color that's fun, fun, fun. And when we put those colors side by side, now what do you think we've done? We've made a Jesus, and it's a really beautiful one, one, one!

It was cute and sweet, and we were feeling a little more relaxed. After that, there was a sectioned off area that had balloons blown up that felt like the last true station that Emerald would be able to participate at (there was also a finger-painting table, but that was ill-conceived at best, considering all the kids were in their church best). Emerald loved the balloons so much, even though there was this little butthole kid that kept stealing the balloons Emerald was throwing up in the air. I almost went in there and pushed him down, but that would have been immature, and either way, there were lots of balloons and Emerald didn't seem very upset.

We decided that the balloon station was the last one we would visit since there didn't seem to be anything else Emerald would be able to do, and because it was time to pick up Gabriel. I wish I could say Emerald took us leaving well, but she screeched like a banshee and pulled on our arms and generally made the experience unbearable all the way to get Gabriel and then to the car.

We are all fairly worn out, so after lunch the kids and I lay down to take a nap. And of course, the kids fight that as well tooth and nail. For hours we lay there, nothing I did made a difference. Feeling horrible and defeated, I let them get back up even though they hadn't slept and would make the rest of our day even more unpleasant with their cranky attitudes. Gabriel ended up coming back and laying next to me and falling asleep when he was tired (which, before you say it, is not a win--I try and have them on a schedule for a REASON), but Emerald played all afternoon just as whiny and awful as I had expected.

That night we dropped them off at VBS for their first official night. Gabriel was in the Explorer's class, which is in a classroom he had never been in before, with no kids he knew, and the teacher smiled that knowing smile of "boys will be boys" while we tried to explain to her that Gabriel had special needs and would be a little difficult. Feeling incredibly insecure, we go to take Emerald to her class.

All classes are meeting in the auditorium, so we have to drop her off with hundreds of people milling around on a pew with a guy we didn't know with no idea of what kind of schedule they had or anything. She had a backpack with extra pull-ups and wipes because she is not a real potty-pro yet, especially if she is distracted by playing and she doesn't know where the bathroom is....but there is no where for us to put her bag. She will have to carry it around and keep up with it herself, and we have to make sure to get it back at the end of the night. Granted, we made it small and light so that she would be able to carry it on her back, but asking a three-year old to keep up with something all night is the height of absurdity. Nobody can tell us what time we are supposed to pick the kids back up.

I don't get it. Even ECI has said--Bright Horizons is one of the most structured daycares in the area; but this ramshackle event seems slapped together. I am beyond terrified to leave my children there, not the least because during the school year all the doors are locked and you have to show ID to pick up your child and here, there are hundreds of volunteers and parents just wandering around and there is a very rudimentary "baggage claim ticket" system for retrieving your child.

Michael was just as apprehensive as I was, but we were determined not to worry and to have a good night. I had a giftcard for Barnes and Noble left from mother's day, so Michael took me there. Originally my thought was to get a good book on autism so that I could start reading up on it, but the employee that helped us find the autism books was actually amazingly helpful--she showed us where the books were, but informed us that Region 17--a place that is mere minutes from our house--lends out books and videos for parents with children with ASD for free, as well as providing endless resources. It is a much preferable option, and it was really nice of her to help us out like that. I ended up opting to get another Jude Deveraux for my collection.

Then we had a quiet dinner where we talked mostly about books and the different things we have liked to read over the years, how our tastes have changed...it is a lot of fun to not talk about the kids sometimes =)

We got back to VBS a little early because we didn't know exactly when to come back, but it turned out to be a good thing--Gabriel was the only kid left in his class.

Okay, I am trying to decide if this upsets me or not. When we dropped Gabriel off, we put him in a chair and he was playing with a puzzle. When we came back, he was strapped into the same chair (it was a seat belt), there were tear-tracks on his sweet cheeks, and he was a couple feet away from the table that everything else would have been going on. They told me that they had to scoot him back because he kept chewing on the bumper on the table and he wouldn't stop.

What bothers me is that I don't know how long he was in that chair--he was there for two hours; had they restrained him for that long?? We had told them that he had some difficulties with classroom settings, but as volunteers, they seemed unprepared and incapable of handling a child like Gabriel. I found the situation so off-putting that I am apprehensive about ever sending him back. Now if that is my "no one will ever watch my kids as well as I do" mentality or actual genuine concerns that I should not repress, I am not entirely certain.

But we picked up Gabriel and he clung to me so tight like he was terrified I would let him go--he only does that desperate of a hug when he sees Michael after we have been out of town for several weeks without Daddy.

We go into the auditorium because that portion of the night is not quite done and we watch from some of the back pews as they wrap it all up--Emerald seems happy up there. I see a teacher from Bright Horizons that had both Emerald and Gabriel in her class right in front of us--she is pregnant with a little girl named Morgan that is coming in July. We got to talk a little about life and kids and pregnancy and stuff, and she invited us to visit the Sunday class she is a part of--Fellowship of Christian Couples. Everyone in there tend to be late twenties with kids, so Mike and I may check it out.

I fed the kids before we sent them to VBS, but they barely ate and came back pretty hungry. Emerald, true to form, screamed and kicked while we were trying to get her home because she was so tired. She said she did not have a good day at VBS and when we told her she didn't have to go back, she was actually pretty okay with it, further causing my worry. I don't know if I want to send them back.

Emerald fell asleep pretty easily that night, but Gabriel waited and waited and waited until I let him come to bed with me and Mike. Frustrating.

Bleh, at least the very long and frustrating day was over.

~Andie~

Emerald-isms

After making the the post of cute things Emerald has said this past week, I thought about it and decided I would like a more complete list of all the funny/cute/sweet things she has said since she was born. So I went back in my facebook and texts and blog as far back as she was talking, and here is what I was able to find. I may have missed some, but at least I have these gathered =)

· Emerald was helping me service the vacuum today. She was banging on the pipes, and using the screwdriver. When she was bored with that game, she very expectantly and seriously looks at me and says, "Five Dollars?"", like that was what I owed her for helping me!

· At lunch, Michael was eating nachos. Emerald approached him and said "please?", signing for emphasis. So, Michael started scooping up a nacho for her, but apparently, wasn't going fast enough for her taste, so she impatiently states, "I SAID please!"

· Emerald's first complete sentence: While sitting in time out, she very clearly wails--"I get spanked!!"

· I need to change Benjamin's diaper! (I explain he's not wearing a diaper in there, and she looks horrified) ...so Benjamin is naked? Where does he poop!?

· (Singing to Gabriel; to the tune of "Where is Thumpkin"): Where is punkin, Where is punkin? There you is, There you is! Mama gonna spank you, mama gonna spank you. Run away, run away

· I Emerald Renae, (points to Gabe) you is Gabriel Lynn, and there (points to my stomach) and that is Benajmin Dinosaur!

· I want a corn dog for lunch!! ....Gaby wants the stick.

· Are we ready go? (Where are we going, Emerald?) Daddy said I could have...a new kitten!! -jumps up and down clapping hands for five minutes-

· Emerald is watching “The Great Mouse Detective”, and goes "aha! A clue! Gaby is stealing yo cwackers, mama!" while he stood behind me and horked them down.

· This morning, Emerald had a doctor’s appointment, so we dropped Gabriel off at daycare and then left with Emerald. She started crying when we got in the car--I thought she was upset she wasn't staying for class, but she sobbed "we forgot Gaby!"

· Emerald had a balloon a while back, and we let it go out back—it got stuck in the neighbor's tree.
Emerald is telling me all about the balloon family that lives in the balloon tree—they eat chicken and ham sandwiches and fly airplanes and watch Barbie Thumbalina.

· Babysitter: Emerald, don't eat the dirt please.
Emerald: but it tastes good!!

· (Awed voice) "Mom! How {Santa} knowed I was a present for Cwistmas?"

· Whispered to Gabriel, "Don't worry, Gaby--Emerald got you"

· “Mama, I love pee and poo! We watch pee and poo?” referring to Winnie the Pooh

· “Benjamin is a good name for a baby, but I like Grayson. His name Grayson?”

· Me: What would you like for Christmas? Would you like Santa to bring you a puppy? Emerald: A puppy? No—I want snow!

· Singing Taio Cruz’s “Dynamite”: Singin eggo, gotta let go…

· Aunt Ammmmmber, the sheepish lion; Aunt Ammmmmmmber, she’s not a lion….

· (Singing to Gabriel): You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. I make you happy when you is gray. You neber know, Gabe, how much I lub you. You are my sunshine, now please go away

· When asked what she would name the new baby: Patti or Curly.

· A best friend is someone who hugs you, and makes you happy, and gives you pizza

· Tales from my trip: one morning, I gave the kids chocolate donuts for breakfast. They both sat quietly staring at their plates and not touching them. I was perplexed until Emerald said, "deese are daddy's black donuts, mama--he gonna be mad!"

· Gabriel fussed in his sleep, so Emerald came and lay beside him and whispered, "don't worry, my Gaby--Emerald got you".

· Me: Emerald, please share with your brother.
Emerald: I can't, I'm sharing with Emerald.

· You gotta love Emerald's imagination--she is pretending to be a fairy-cowboy-security guard.

· The unicorn is sad and crying because he ran into a tree.

· Emerald (after the manner of "swiper no swiping!")--"Gabriel, no Gabriel! Gabriel, no Gabriel! Gabriel noooooo Gabriel!"

· I was feeling sorry for myself for messing up dinner when Emerald patted me on the shoulder and said "It's okay, Mom--I'm not going to hurt you".

· I tried to dress Emerald after her bath, when she screamed "No means no!" in my face, running buck naked down the hall

· Emerald just crawled into my lap and said "I love you, Mom--so much. It's okay--I've got you".

· Emerald "Little bunny poo-poo hopin fru the forest, scoopin up miceys bop on head....no, no bunny poo-poo, I give you FREE chances or I turn you into Gabe".

· I am watching the repulsive assembly line her kids have created--Emerald licks all the peanut butter of the crackers, then hands the soggy crackers to Gabriel to gum down.

Glam (Rhonda), I not a'supposed to eat chocolate….

Productive Morning

For some reason, this morning I woke up feeling restless. I wanted to start getting stuff done, but the house felt too constricting, too confining. I needed to get out.

So I loaded up the kids both in the big double stroller--which we have not taken out in a little while because of the extra strain it is for me to push both heavy children--and we had a mobile breakfast.

The weather was gorgeous--too windy for my taste, but not hot and not dusty. Our street was surprisingly busy because there was an estate sale going on at the end near the intersection. The kids just happily munched away at their waffles and I wasn't struggling to push them as much as I have in the past.

My first thought was to go to Bright Horizons to discuss enrollment for the kids next year.

You see, we aren't entirely certain what we are going to do there. Gabriel would certainly benefit from it at least until February, when he may transfer to the special preschool.

Benjamin will be too young when the school year begins, but could start going as early as 6 weeks so that if I get called in to substitute teach, I don't have to worry about what we should do with him.

Emerald would adore going back and seeing her friends, but if we get her enrolled in the headstart program, she can't miss two days a week of the preschool or they will not allow her to continue to go; but if she does not get accepted, we need Bright Horizons as alternative daycare.

The problem with all of this is that if we do not enroll them soon, then there may not be room available for them. If we go ahead and enroll them just to be safe, then we have to pay the enrollment fees which won't be refunded. If the kids go there at all during the next year, we have to pay for their spot, even if they aren't currently attending. For example, if Gabriel goes until February and then transfers out, we have to continue to pay for February through May. If we want Benjamin to go in the spring or when I am substituting, we have to start paying for him in September when school starts through May, even if he infrequently attends.

It is a bit of a conundrum, so I wanted to bend the ear of the director, let her know what was going on and see if she had any advice for me to help me decide who--if anyone--we would enroll for next year.

Unfortunately, she was not there, but I got to talking to a volunteer that works for Bright Horizons that we have seen a great deal. She asked if I had enrolled the kids in VBS, and I told her I didn't think we could afford it. Apparently, it is free--didn't know that. Thought it was going to cost. Neat. Well, I said, aren't they too young to go? Wrong again--they start taking kids as young as 6 months. It is all next week, from 6.20 to 8.30 in evenings, which is right after Mike gets off of work.

I am thrilled--I didn't think this was an option for us; and now Mike and I are going to get a couple hours a night without the kids, and the kids are going to get to go and socialize and have a great time. We got them all signed up and enrolled, which didn't take any time at all, and I left feeling quite pleased and happy.

On the walk home, I realized that Janelle--the counselor for LCU that Michael and I had premarital and marital counseling with--may have some good advice regarding Gabriel and good family de-stressers that might help us all feel calmer and more relaxed. Of course, she wasn't in yet either. She was going to get in at 11, but she had an appointment and might not have the time to see or visit with me. I just left a "just stopped by to say hi" note for her and the kids and I walked back home. Surprisingly, I wasn't as worn out as I usually am walking--maybe I am getting stronger!

When I was walking home, a woman that was going to the estate sale stopped and asked if I knew anyone that used sign language to communicate. I was taken aback, but I told her that Gabriel's primary communication is done through sign. She told me that she was a part of a group of volunteers that teach sign language to those that need it, and give videos of the Bible being signed (including some amazing ones for kids). I had my hands full at the time, but invited her to stop by some time for us to talk about it--God works in mysterious ways, and I wasn't going to turn down a potentially rewarding resource without checking into it first.

Cassie says I am weird because I get solicited, even when I am not home!! She kind of has a point--I need a "No Soliciting" t-shirt.

When we walked in the door, I got a call from Headstart, wanting to set up a time for us to come in an apply for Emerald to attend next semester. Because she won't be four until September, we can't do it through the school system; instead, we have to do it through the HeadStart program directly. That's cool--I hope wherever she ends up going is not very far away!! But Michael and I will meet with them next Thursday, after Michael's check-up for his leg and before my Dr. Killeen appointment.

I feel so sorry for Mike--his days off suck.

Starting to feel the effects of too active of a morning, I sit down with a big cup of ice (Mike bought me a 20lb bag!) and my phone rings again. Normally, this would stress me out because of everything else going on, but I was feeling calm and productive, so I go ahead and answer it--it's Dr. Roger's office calling to schedule an appointment because of a referral they had received.

I don't know if you remember, but Dr. Rogers was the third specialist--the developmental pediatrician--that we got referred way back when. The ENT and the allergist/immunologist had all ready called and seen us, and we were still waiting on Dr. Rogers (which, admittedly, we knew was going to be a bit of a wait). That was when we decided to go ahead and make the appointment to do the autism evaluation with Dr. Driskell--we were sick of waiting and wanted answers.

Anyways, after several months (probably about 3 months since we put in the referral) of waiting, they finally call us and tell us that they can see Gabriel in December. A total of nine months to get in to see this doctor...I can make a new person in that time! But I went ahead and made the appointment so that we can get the second opinion. I texted Cassie because it was just so funny to me; she had to stop by anyway to get me to sign a release for information for Dr. Driskell. She thought it was pretty funny too =)

Now the kids and I are taking a much deserved break, so I am going to catch a nap while they are still sleeping (hopefully)!!

~Andie~

Diagnosis

Some have expressed concerns that we are having Gabriel diagnosed with a social-developmental disorder so early, as behavior changes as we age and it would be imprudent to attach a stigma such as Autism to a child so young because it will follow him through school and beyond. I understand these concerns, and hope to address some of them here.

The big question is: Are we having Gabriel diagnosed as autistic now?

The answer is: Yes and No.

Doctors are divided on pretty much all topics, and autism just so happens to be the hot button issue right now which means that there are even more abounding conflicting opinions over the subject. Our pediatrician, for example, does not believe in diagnosing a child before three; while other experts we have spoken to believe the only real way to diagnose autism is if symptoms appear before the age of three. Because of how divided the experts are, they mistrust the results other doctors find and feel the necessity to run the same diagnostic tests themselves for their own records.

Dr. Driskell is reporting her opinion/diagnosis with the insurance, which she got approved through me and Michael beforehand. We agreed because without the documented diagnoses, the insurance will not pay for continued treatments and services.

At the end of this year, we are meeting with the developmental pediatrician Dr. Rogers (whom we waited months for her office to contact us, but now we finally have an appointment--more on that later) for a second evaluation and a second opinion.

Early next year, Gabriel will turn 3 years old and will be evaluated again by the school district to determine if he qualifies for the preschool program specifically targeted toward kids with needs like Gabe. If we opt against the diagnostic screening, he will be unable to enroll in the preschool program and therefore will not get the services that could so benefit him.

Though doctors are divided over their opinions regarding autism, there is one thing that we have heard time and time again from every resource we have available to us--early intervention is the key to Gabriel leading the most normal, functional life possible. Without that handy little diagnosis, the insurance company will not pay for services, the school will not allow him to attend the preschool, and we are limited in the amount resources (including SPAN and educational seminars) that we are able to offer Gabriel to give him the best shot at returning to "typical".

Reading all of that, you must have thought "Well, that doesn't sound like a yes and a no. That just sounds like a yes." You'd be wrong, lol.

Basically, this is a preemptive strike diagnosis. We view it as "suspected autism" or "high risk for autism". He has many of the classic ear markers, failed the MCHAT....there is good reason to believe he has Autism Spectrum Disorder. Which means, because of his young age, we will start working with him to get him caught up in the areas he is lacking; then in three years, when Gabriel is about school age, he will be once again tested, which will be more determinate of what--if anything--we are looking at here. He will have developed enough by then (hopefully) for us to get a more full understanding of what he is going through.

That being said, the national guidelines will change next year, which means that he may no longer qualify according to the new standards. Or he may be testing autistic now, but due to his high intelligence and temperament, he may come out "typical" when he is five. Right now, we just don't know.

What we do know for a fact is that we have done everything exactly right, in the correct order, so that we when arrived at this diagnosis, it was not something we rushed into or took lightly. Michael and I have chased down every other possible cause for the abnormalities Gabriel is experiencing, and in the words of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (and Spock):

"When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth"

It's not like we were hoping there was something wrong with Gabriel. We knew something was different; we just had to figure out exactly why.

So anyways, I hope that clears up any wondering or confusion. I know it is not the decision that all parents would make, but I honestly believe that it is the right one for this family. =)

~Andie~

The Results

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"--Semisonic

I thought that quote would be appropriate, since today marked the end of a long journey and the beginning of another.

Today, Michael and I met with the psychologist for Gabriel. It has been an experience, starting with Bright Horizons calling us in to discuss odd behavior Gabe was exhibiting (so dubbed "Staring Episodes") nearly a year ago; meeting with all the specialists--the neurologist, the immunologist/allergist, and the ENT; Early Childhood Intervention specialist visits for Speech, Occupational, and Social/Developmental therapies; the worrying, the battery of tests, negative results on everything they ran....After all that work and stress and chasing, we finally have our answer.

We determined today that Gabriel is certainly "on the spectrum"--that he is Autistic.

This doesn't actually change that much. Gabe is still Gabe, and we love him just they way God made him. Basically all this does is explain WHY Gabe is the way that he is, and give us a more directed approach to how to raise him in respect to his special needs.

Michael had the full day off because he met the selling quota last month and this is a perk of that. He didn't seem particularly worried, but he never seems particularly worried about anything. I, on the other hand, was clutching at my last frayed nerve.

It is a weird compulsion for me, but I always dress up to go to doctor's appointments. I think I want them to think I am a good mother, and that they will somehow think less of me if I show up in the comfortable yoga pants that make up most of my wardrobe during pregnancy. But it took me a good long while to pick out exactly what I was going to wear--unintentionally dressed all of us in brown so we looked like a family of poop. (Just kidding--we looked quite nice, if I do say so myself).

We dropped Emerald off to spend the afternoon with Grannymom and DadDad so that we wouldn't have to worry about taking her to the appointment, which I am thankful for. It would have been a great deal more stress trying to control her. Then we got to the parking lot early and had a picnic lunch of sorts overlooking the park. None of us wanted to eat outside because of the wind, so we just had chips and sandwiches in the car. Gabriel seemed to like it a great deal.

I had been told that we would show up at 1.30 and fill out paperwork, and the appointment would start about 2 and last about 2-3 hours, depending on how everything went. Little did I know that the half hour before the appointment was actually fully needed to fill out the paperwork--they handed me a clipboard with a large stack of papers, and it took me and Michael nearly an hour to complete them. Felt like the danged TAKS test, only worse because there were so many questions that were difficult if not impossible to answer based on Gabriel's age and lack of communication.

While I worked on filling the paperwork out, Michael played with Gabriel in the waiting room. They had a nice little set up in there with toys and legos and books and stuff. Gabriel of course was destructor, wanting to dump everything out and throw things, plus he ran pretty much nonstop around the room. For some reason, he responded surprisingly well to the receptionist--he gave her a huge grin when she took his picture, and he kept running up to tap on her glass and giggle at her.

Tammy--our ECI specialist that works with Gabriel's social delays--met with us at the appointment basically as back up, since she had seen Gabriel and had worked with him and was able to answer some of the questions we didn't know how to answer or didn't understand. Dr. Driskell also asked if her intern and a Nurse Practioner student would be able to sit in and observe, which we didn't mind in the slightest.

First, they had us all in a room where Gabriel was prompted with different play activities. I had read about this, and I thought they were not going to allow me and Mike to be back there which made me uncomfortable, but they invited us back as long as we were willing to sit back and watch and not try to interfere at all. Of course we can do that. Part of this was to ensure that Gabriel was not acting like he was abused or neglected, which obviously he is not. Then they just wanted to watch him play and see how he handled himself in situations like this. It was good because it gave me an opportunity to finish filling out all the paperwork that they wanted.

After that, they sent Gabriel with the intern into an adjoining room and Michael and I (and Tammy) were interviewed. We answered a lot of questions all over the map about how he plays, how he is with other kids, how he communicates, skills he has and has not developed...that kind of thing.

At the end of all of it, Dr. Driskell said that she is positive Gabriel has a developmental disorder--she will have to evaluate all the information we have provided her with to determine exactly to what extent, or how severe, he is. But it is certainly either autism or Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS), probably on the mild side of things, but we will have to wait just a little while longer to see. It is not asperger's because the defining difference for Asperger's is that it does not present with a significant speech delay, which is one of the bigger concerns with Gabriel.

She did also say that there is a possibility because of how intelligent Gabriel is and how early we caught it and the countermeasures we have all ready taken (such as the ECI therapies) that when he is tested again in a few years, he will be "typical"--not autistic. It is not a certainty, just a possibility, but it is encouraging.

Basically what this boils down to is that we have a nearly definitive answer in sight, which means we can better target our approach to helping him. We can learn better ways to teach him, to understand his sensory, mental, and social needs, and how to discipline him more effectively. Our goal is to get him more engaged, get him more interested so that in the long run this will not handicap him or put him at a disadvantage.

You might be wondering how Michael and I are taking the news. Michael is as cool as a cucumber--seriously, he is 100% unfazed by this news. Which helped me out a lot. If I had gone to this appointment alone, I would have cried at the beginning, struggled through the interview, and had a complete and utter breakdown at the end. But rationally, I know this doesn't change much. I don't want to afix a label to him so early in life, but this enables us to be more proactive with helping and raising him. Emotionally, I am mildly stunned, but I will recover. I am coping. This is not something that is going to own our family--it's just something that is happening, and we have to have faith that God will help see us through.

It's sort of funny in a way--I have known since I was a little girl that God had called me to work with special needs kids. All throughout school I have been fascinated by them and volunteered to help them and work with them. Maybe this was preparation for having Gabe one day. Probably not, since the ones I worked with were usually more severe than he is, but it's an interesting theory.

Anyways, so that is my update. We will meet with Dr. Driskell again on July 12 to discuss the full extent of what we are looking at here, and to gather as much information as possible, and at that point I will write another blog post.

~Andie~

Wednesday

Tomorrow, Gabriel has his last specialist appointment.

I am partially quite happy about this. We have had so many doctors visits and meeting specialists and tests that it is nice to be standing at the end of what has been a very long road. Eight (nine? life has been a bit of a blur this past year) months ago, Michael and I got called in to visit with Gabriel's teachers at daycare because they were noticing abnormal behavior that could be seizures, and everything since then has been a bit of a whirlwind. After tomorrow, we have one more hearing exam, and then we meet with the pediatrician to talk about it....and our journey is over. No more specialists, no more wondering.

But another part of me is quite apprehensive. I'm nervous about what they could tell us, about how it will affect our future. They may tell us there is something wrong with our son. Something life long, life changing.

Sometimes you just don't want the answer to your questions. Curiosity has its downsides. All we can do is keep hoping and praying for the best, and deal with whatever comes our way.

Monday we had an ECI appointment with Cassie. She could tell how anxious I was about this upcoming appointment, so she helped me make a list of what Gabriel does well, what we love about Gabe. It is so hard to get focused on the things that Gabriel is not doing that we don't notice some of the things he does really well.

For example, Gabriel has fantastic motor skills. He is very strong and can climb and jump and tumble and flip and does this flat-footed squat position that is (frankly) physically impossible. He can drink from an open cup or bottle without spilling any, build block towers as tall as he is, and manipulate little beads through bead tracks.

Gabe is so loving and affectionate. He will pull people in for kisses, and his hugs are some of the very best in the world. Though most people can't see it, he is very sensitive. What his sister and Daddy think of him means the world to Gabriel, and he wants very much to make them like him.

There is so much that is beautiful and special about my little boy, and I don't want to lose sight of that just because there are some things that might be "wrong". No, wrong is not the right word....different. There are some things about Gabriel that is different. Different is not such a bad thing--I have seen what is "normal", and for the most part, normal people are dillholes.

I kind of got carried off on a tangent there--

The appointment tomorrow is at 1.30 and will last some several hours. I have spent a good deal of time researching what I could expect, but of course there is still a lot that I won't know until we go ahead and do it. It is with a Dr. Driskell, who is a child psychologist, and it is to judge his development against what it is "supposed to be"; to judge whether or not my Goo-Boo is autistic.

~Andie~

Last Post of the Night: Big News!!

EMERALD POOPED IN THE POTTY!!

Okay, in all caps it's more frightening than exciting BUT I cannot express how happy this makes me and Mike--hurrah!!!

As this blog can attest, potty training Emerald has been....an odyssey. Or a major headache, take your pick. She fights us tooth and nail, doesn't respond to any rewards or punishments or anything...

I talked recently to ECI who thinks her problem may be her sensory things. Other theorists have suggested that Emerald has been constipated and associates going potty with fear and pain; which is very valid since Emerald has had digestive issues since she was an infant.

But for whatever reason, Emerald was nearing 4 years old and still in pull-ups.

To be honest, I was starting to fail like a gigantic failure. I mean, other moms don't have this much problems, so it must be me.

But tonight, after much trying and false alarms, Emerald--who had no accidents all day--finally put her poo-poo right into the potty!

Mommy and Daddy celebrated and made a big deal out of it, and she wanted to call Oma and Glo and tell them herself that she did it. Even as we laid her down in bed tonight, she told Michael sleepily, "I poo-pooed in the potty. It made me happy".

So so proud--hurrah!

Had to share =)

~Andie!~

A Song for Benjamin

So, I have been struggling lately to find a song for my Benjamin.

You see, when I was pregnant with Emerald, I sang and read to her to ward off loneliness, mostly. Of course, I had Jabba and Oscar there to keep me company as well, but I felt at loose ends during most of the day, and I had read in all my baby books that the baby could hear my voice and would be soothed by it. So I decided to start a tradition where each kid had a song--an idea I actually stole from my mother.

When we were growing up, Mom had a song for each of us (except Royce because she didn't get him as a baby). Jarrod was "You Are My Sunshine"; Amber was "Funny Face"; and I was "Country Bumpkin".

I sang dozens of songs to Emerald, including "High Above Me", "So I Need You", and "Goodnight Sweetheart", but I chose the songs that had a message I liked for her and that she responded to as fetus. I say songs because I was never able to quite narrow it down to one.

The first is "Crash and Burn" by Savage Garden. Fetus Emerald loved Savage Garden songs (as well as Elton John, but I wasn't about to make "That's Why They Call It the Blues" the song for my little girl). This one had lyrics that I could see being meaningful to my little girl one day when she was growing up, going through things like break-ups and losing friendships. It goes:

Let me be the one you call

If you jump, I'll break your fall

Pick you up and fly away with you into the night.

And if you need to fall apart,

Well I can mend a broken heart.

If you need to crash, then crash and burn, you're not alone.

I really love that song--it's corny, but corny seemed to fit. To this day, Emerald still loves this song and will request me singing it to her; and as promised by the baby name book, it still soothes her.

She actually has two more songs--"Crazy for this Girl" by Evan and Jaron is the second one. It is pretty straight forward as to why I sing it to her:

Would you look at her, she looks at me

She's got me thinking about her constantly,

But she don't know how I feel.

She carries on without a doubt,

I wonder if she's figured out,

I'm crazy for this girl;

Yeah I'm crazy for this girl.

That's one she just likes a whole lot. It's peppier than the other two songs and it makes her smile when she is being cranky, so it somehow made it into "her" song.

The final one is "When You Come Back Down" by Nicklecreek. It's a sweet song that is along the same vein as Crash and Burn, but it was the song Emerald found the most soothing as an infant and would most frequently fall asleep to:

When you're soaring through the air,

I'll be your solid ground

Take every chance you dare,

I'll still be there,

When you come back down.

It's a song that encourages her to go out and don't be afraid because I am behind her, Daddy and I will support her and be there for her. It was such a relaxing song and I sang it every time as I snuggled her close to me while I rocked her or nursed her in that glider chair in our old apartment.

When I got pregnant with Gabriel, I knew immediately that it was a boy and I knew what his song was going to be--"You Are My Sunshine". For some reason, just like the family name Lynn, it didn't seem right for Emerald. And we were right--Lynn is better suited for Gabriel, and "You Are My Sunshine" is his song.

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You make me happy

When skies are gray.

You'll never know, dear

How much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away.

I used this song so much that Emerald now sings her own version to Gabriel when he is fussing and crying, in an attempt to soothe him: "You are sunshine, you are my sunshine. I make you happy when you is gray. You neber know, Gabe, how much I lub you. You are my sunshine, now please go away".

His other song is "The Sausage Man Song", which is just a Wagner family tradition at this point. Gabriel has been hearing it since he was a fetus, and indeed Amber and Jarrod fought over which one of them would get to sing it to my belly first. I think Amber won, but I can't be certain. I won't post lyrics, but if you don't know it, go look it up. Great but disturbing song, and it makes Gaby-Baby giggle up a storm.

His final song is "You'll Be in My Heart" from Tarzan. I just liked it and he liked it, so it kind of stuck around.

All of this is to say: finding a song for Benjamin has been much harder.

I sing to him constantly. The kids seem to enjoy it, and I love to sing, so I belt out a tune whenever I get the chance. Any song that seems to make him particularly happy, he gets a claim to.

So far, he only has two songs.

One is "The River" by Garth Brooks. He really loved it, and I like the message and imagery of it.

I will sail my vessel

Till the river runs dry

Like a bird upon the wind

These waters are my sky,

I'll never reach my destination

If I never try,

So I will sail my vessel

Till the river runs dry.

Beautiful song, and Ben wiggles and snuggles every time I sing it so I do think he likes it.

The other is "Still On Your Side" by BBMak. Okay, so I am starting to sound a little dated, but it is a fun upbeat song which each of the other kids have, and he dances when I sing it. Plus, once again, it has a message I would relay to him that I like:

I will stand up for you

No matter what you're going through

I'm still on your side (still on your side)

Any time, day or night

Don't care if it's wrong or right

I'm still on your side.

The problem I am having is the main song. The one song that I can definitively say is "his" song and use for lullabies and soothing and bonding like I had with the other two. I love both the songs I am singing to him, but are they right? Are they "his" song? Or do I need to keep looking?? I know I need at least one more song--by default, the other two had three so I can't just offer Benjamin two.

That is my current quest: To obtain the perfect song for my little boy. Any and all suggestions are welcome, but try and remember that I will have to sing them and my voice is not the most awesomest thing that has ever happened to the world.

~Andie~