Wearden Family News

Benjamin and Emerald

2012-02-29T06:31:00.002-08:00

Last post was all about what Gabriel is doing at school and how he is handling everything; today is all about what we are doing here back at home!

Outwardly, Emerald is giving us very little indication that she is upset Gabe is going to school and she is not. We explained that he was going to "boy school" and that we were going to look for a school for her; she accepted that explanation with no fuss and doesn't seem bothered in the slightest that she isn't getting to go.

But she is having more accidents.

After Benjamin was born, Emerald regressed and stopped using the potty meaning that Michael and I had to essentially retrain her. It was tough with a lot of frustrations all around but we finally got back to her using the potty consistently.

Since about a week before Gabe started school, Emerald has been going into the bathroom and peeing on herself. It isn't that she isn't getting in time or is struggling with removing her clothes--we started putting her back in pants with no buttons or zippers and that made no quantifiable difference in number of accidents. She just pees on herself, removes her wet clothing, and comes and finds Michael or me to help change her.

Besides that, we are still having trouble with her hiding in the pantry or in her room to "make her tummy feel better". As far as we can tell, that means that she needs to pass gas and doesn't want to do so in open company; as it is, she only hides like that when she does need to go, the rest of the time she will just let one rip, consequences be damned.

We are starting her on some cranberry juice and we are taking her to the doctor to make sure it is not a physical issue, but I think she is just having more trouble with Gabriel being gone than she is letting on, which is resulting in the increased accidents.

Other than that, everything is great!

My workload has lessened considerably sending one child away for half the day. Gabe requires so much attention and monitoring that I was scarcely able to do anything else. It was rare for me to be able to answer a phone call during the day because Gaby would start sobbing and screaming until I hung up and held him (don't even ask me what THAT was all about). Now I am able to handle business over the phone about student loans and bills, medicaid, or comparing prices before we buy tires...things I was completely unable to do before. The sound of the dishwasher bothers Gabe, so I had to be careful to only run it when he was sleeping, and Benjamin crying drove him to distraction.

I miss my Gabriel very much, but the pressure and stress has decreased knowing that he is somewhere safe where he can learn and do all his therapies so I can focus on Emerald and Benjamin.

Benjamin is just about crawling. He can sit infinitely in crawl position or get up on his hands and tippie-toes, but once he is there he doesn't know what to do next. Using a combination of rolling, launching, and army crawling he is able to get from place to place fairly efficiently if not a little clumsily.

He has been super mega fussy--he doesn't want to be held, he doesn't want to be set down...he pretty much just wants to eat all day long, chew on his vibrating and singing cow toy, and drool. Sounds like teething, but no fever or any indication that a tooth is coming in. He absolutely loves eating though. Every baby food we try him on he absolutely loves, and he has taken to trying everything anyone else is eating as well. His favorites so far have been macaroni and cheese, brownies, sweet potatoes, and bananas. The only thing he has eaten so far that he has genuinely not liked has been baby food carrots; when he ate the steamed carrots we had for dinner he loved it, so I can't entirely blame him for not liking the yickier baby food version.

Everyone seems happy with our new arrangement--we get up earlier in the morning to see Gabe off to school which means we are able to make the most of our day. Maybe soon we will start attempting to walk to the library for story time or to the park, as the weather is getting nicer and nicer. The wind has been wretched, but the days have been warmer and sunnier.

I think that is all for me rambling for now!

--andie--

Gabriel Starts School

2012-02-25T06:20:00.003-08:00

As I mentioned in the earlier post, when Gabriel turned three he was accepted into PPCD.

PPCD stands for Preschool Program for Children with Disabilities. Its intention is to pick up where ECI--Early Childhood Intervention--leaves off at the age of 3 to try and get children with significant developmental delays caught up.

Having been diagnosed as having Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD--I have discovered that there are a ton of acronyms relating to this condition!), Gabriel meets the criteria, and their hope by accepting him is that he can get used to the structured school environment and the stresses that come along with public school like crowded hallways, many other children, lots of uncontrollable noise, bright lights, vibrant colors...in short, overstimulating environments. If he can get used to learning despite everything else going on in his head, then by first grade he may be able to attend "normal" classes with his peers.

The way they are doing this is by something they call "inclusion", where his class has activities such as PE and field trips with one to three other typical pre-school classes. The neurotypical children model what behavior is expected and gives Gabriel a taste of what a class with them would be like.

At the ARD (Admission, Review, and Dismissal) meeting earlier this month, we went over Gabriel's IEP (Individualized Education Plan). Warned you about the acronyms, didn't I? The IEP tells me what the teacher is hoping to get accomplished with Gabe by the end of the school year, the things they are going to be working on with him. Since everyone in his class range from age 3 to 5 with a variety of developmental or mental delays, they cannot all have the same goals, which is why it is individualized.

Gabriel's goals for this semester are:

*Staying in a designated spot and stay on task for increasing amounts of time

*Expressing his wants/needs using signs, pictures, or verbal exchange

*Completing cognitive/academic tasks such as matching, following one step commands, pointing to objects, and sorting

*Matching, pointing, and/or naming the colors red, blue, green, and yellow

*Counting objects using one-to-one correspondence from 1-10

*Matching, pointing, and/or naming the shapes circle, rectangle, square, and triangle

*Completing daily routine jobs like putting his backpack away, signing in at the beginning of the day, cleaning up after activities, etc

*Indicating the need to use the bathroom or that he needs to be changed

*Brushing his teeth

*Participating in parallel or cooperative play with peers in increasing amounts of time

*Interacting cooperatively in a group setting

*Cutting paper with scissors

*Tracing a vertical line, a horizontal line, a plus sign, and a circle

*Performing daily sensory activities using hands, mouth, and/or ears

Now, admittedly a lot of those are going to sound bizarre, or like it is not for the school to be teaching. Here's the thing you have to remember when thinking that: Gabriel is a very sensory-oriented child.

All children with autism are--it is one of the defining characteristics. They process sensory input in a way that greatly differs from the way that most people do, and it causes many daily activities to be unpleasant at best or painful at worst.

I am specifically referring in this case to the potty training and teeth brushing. My brother Jarrod can attest how awful brushing your teeth can be, as he cannot stand the sound it makes in his ears. It is much the same way with Gabriel. As these are two activities that are frequently problematic with special needs kids, PPCD works on them in conjunction with what the parents are doing at home so that the child can adapt to the sensation instead of avoiding it all together.

Other activities like tracing shapes and cutting with scissors are to help with hypotonia--where the fine muscle tone of the hands tend to be too weak to accomplish detailed movements such as grasping a pencil and pushing hard enough to leave a mark or squeezing scissors with enough force to cut through paper. By working these muscles, they improve his fine motor skills.

The others are fairly self-explanatory in that they are things that Gabriel is expected to be able to do because of his age but is unable to accomplish currently, such as peer-interaction, focus, and cognitive tasks such as color and shape recognition and sorting.

Gabriel is lucky in that he is quite intelligent. Of course, I cannot say this definitively as he is at this time unable to perform an IQ test due to a lack of communicative skills. When he is six, we are hoping that he has progressed to the point that he is able to complete this test--we would be testing for mental retardation, which no one is seeing indicators of at this time but has to be performed as MR and ASD sometimes go hand-in-hand. At the age of six, he will be reevaluated on his developmental level, to see if he is still testing as Autistic, and at that time we will likely test him for ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) which he is certainly showing signs of but as with MR can be associated with ASD.

Yeah. Anyways.

The reason I bring all that up is that because he does appear so intelligent to me, to the experts, to anyone that spends time with him...because he is so smart, I expect he will thrive in this program.

I am not going to lie: it is going to be hard. It is hard on me, sending him when he is so very young and feels like my baby, and I still don't trust anyone to watch him as well as I can. But it is going to be even harder on him.

Don't get me wrong, he is going to have a ton of fun. He is going to have OT and Speech Therapy there, he's going to make friends, he's going to have people that understand him and like him just the way he is...

But they are going to push him to do things that make him uncomfortable, that are hard for him. It is going to be difficult. But it is going to be good for him. I have to admit that despite my apprehensions and my hesitancy, I know that it is the very best possible thing that we can do for him.

Blah blah blah, that was a lot of talk about the program, but you are probably more interested in Gabe and how he did.

He started on Wednesday; Michael and I dropped him off for his first day, which ended up being good since we then had to fill out a ton of enrollment paperwork. I don't understand how I had met with these people for the evaluation and the ARD and still had not been informed of enrollment or given the papers or anything. Of course, they likely assumed that I would have known about these things.

His class has eight other boys; no little girls. In the classroom, there is the teacher and two aides at all times with them, and then they also have the speech therapist, the occupational therapist and her assistant, and the physical therapist that come in. They go to classes like art and PE as well, and there are extra adults in there at that time. Basically, Gabe will never go unattended, which I am a big fan of. They serve breakfast, lunch, and snack in the classroom and they understand his limited dietary interest so the food they provide is more often than not things that he will enjoy. The campus is lovely--it really looks like a good school, in a good neighborhood, not too big, and everyone that works there have been wonderful. The playground is new and beautiful.

The first day was hard. They send home notes with the doctor's smiley-face guide to indicate how well he did. The first day was mostly frowns, accompanied by phrases such as "cried all morning", "wouldn't wear shoes", "didn't want to eat, wouldn't sleep". When he came home in the afternoon, he was so tired he barely made it up to the front door on his own steam. He wouldn't make eye contact,wouldn't hug me or let me hug him, wasn't making any babbling noises...

After about an hour on the swing, he started grunting and put his hand on my knee in acknowledgement that I was there.

The second day was much better. Gabriel woke up with less struggle or fight, and when he came home there were mostly positive notes and happy smiley faces. He still didn't nap and isn't eating much, but he is happier to be there and starting to bond with his teacher.

Friday morning, he was so excited to get to school that he woke up extra early--two hours early, to be precise. At four in the morning, he was bouncing on the couch and cackling, getting into the fridge, and generally wreaking havoc. He had a great day, even progressing to taking a half hour nap.

He is adapting. He is liking the routine, liking school.

We told Emerald that Gabe was going to "boy" school. It has caused a little stress; she is jealous. She has been having some tinkle accidents at home which we haven't had to worry about since basically November (maybe?). But she is appreciating the increased attention she is able to get at home. I am working on getting her ready for Kindergarten (though she will start preschool next semester, not kindergarten). Working on counting, reading, sorting, reasoning/problem solving--that sort of thing.

We have fun, too. We play board games like Chutes and Ladders and Candy Land. I paint her nails and she paints mine, we read a library of books, watch girly movies and shows, dance, cook and clean and play with Benjamin, go outside....it is a thousand times less pressure without Gabe here, even though we all miss him. He requires so much extra attention and monitoring, not to mention the therapies...it was draining trying to give all the kids what they needed, little less that extra mile of "fun".

Mommy being less stressed is having a positive effect on the house, I believe. When I am stressed, everyone is stressed. When I am not...it is a lot of pressure on me to be relaxed and cheerful when I don't particularly feel like it, so it is really nice to genuinely not feel as much pressure pushing down on me. It has also had a positive influence on my productivity as well.

Okay, so I have talked more than anyone is interested in reading, so I should quit stalling and go get to packing. We are going to Abilene Sunday for Gabriel's birthday--we are taking him to Veggie Tales Live!

Hope y'all have a great week!

--Andie--

Gabriel's 3rd Birthday Party

2012-02-20T08:47:00.000-08:00

Our Gaby-Baby is three!!

Admittedly, we have been rounding up for a while. It is easier, and despite his delays he seems much older than just three. For one thing, he's huge--about 32-34 lbs, though you couldn't tell by looking at him as he is thin and surprisingly muscular (surprising if you don't know about his activity level, lol).

Last year for his second birthday, we went with a Toy Story theme (his first birthday was baby Sesame Street) with all lime greens and blue. This year I was having difficulty because it is hard to know what Gabe likes and doesn't like, but one thing has been a constant--Veggie Tales.

Of course, Veggie Tales is harder to pull off than you would think. They have tons of party supplies, ranging from party favors to scented stickers to colorful Bob and Larry lights, but the stores in town have limited supplies. We could order them online, but I don't trust quality unless I can hold it and check it out myself.

As it turns out, Beth was amazingly helpful--she located all the best party supplies in town, took me to get them one morning, and even then handmade all the decorations for the cake! If it hadn't been for her, Gabe wouldn't have had much of a birthday, as I was so preoccupied with enrolling Gabe in the Preschool Program for Children with Disabilities (PPCD) all last week.

Speaking of: Gabriel is now enrolled, despite my great apprehension, and starts Wednesday. That is why I have been so lax with keeping up with the blog of late; I do a ridiculous amount of paperwork.

Anyways, that is me getting off topic.

I wanted to do something nice for Gabriel's class at church because he is really bonding with everyone there, starting to make friends which I want to encourage. You would not believe the stress that caused! You would think it would be pretty straight forward and simple: I have sent treats to Emerald's school for her birthday before; usually cupcakes and Capri Sun pouches and leave it at that.

Well, last week we met with the nutritionist to discuss Gabriel before he graduated ECI, and she explained why Gabe's diet is so restricted--he likes dry foods usually high in sodium because they are more exciting to his under-stimulated taste reflexes, and in the colors white, brown, or beige. It was something that I had not considered before: that colors on food can be overstimulating to kids on the spectrum.

So! With all that in mind (knowing makes everything more complicated), I go to the store and pick out chocolate doughnut holes with rainbow sprinkles, Toy Story fruit snacks, and Capri Suns. Awesome.

Only, it's not. I remember: all of these kids are going to be in their nice church clothes, so their parents probably won't be thrilled if I give them something super messy, and these look sticky and are colorful all over...no one will touch them!

We leave for church early so I can go back by the store and deliberate, calling my mom and wandering around stressed as all get out. Pressed for time, I grab a pack of chocolate thumbprint cookies, dissatisfied. I personally dislike thumbprint cookies, and I worry I'll look lazy. Of course, I didn't need to worry as the whole little "party" was a big hit with everyone; I didn't even end up taking cookies home.

Between church and the party, Miss Kristin comes over for a visit before she heads back out of town, and we try to lay down and nap. Everyone is exhausted, particularly Gabriel who had to be woken up that morning for church, much to his displeasure. But no one but Benjamin got sleep, a cause of great concern for me. I feared significant behavioral problems at the party.

As it turns out, I needn't have worried--we kept it short and sweet for Gabe's benefit, and with only one sensory break he did really well. Emerald had a little accident unfortunately, but she didn't mind as she got to then wear her dress-up clothes and be Snow White.

We had a pretty good turn out: Sarah and Grannymom were unable to attend because they were both under the weather, but we still had a good crowd.

Beth and David Peacock came bearing the little decorative Bob and Larry's, as well as a gift certificate to the Jump N Jungle, scented Veggie Tales stickers, and "Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" finger puppets.

Glo and Pawpaw and Uncle Patrick of course were there, as it was at their house. They got Gabe some new clothes and the heavy-duty hiking sandals that Gabriel is so fond of (he hates having hot feet or enclosed shoes, and these are the perfect compromise). They also got Emerald a Kindergarten workbook, which she is currently obsessed with.

Uncle Steve, Aunt Melisa, and cousins Sydney and Macy were able to come which was cool--they are so often busy that we don't get to see them much. They gave Gabriel a shape sorter and a neat gyroball that you fill with liquid it never spills (it looks really cool; Mike and I are dying to try it out).

Michael, Emerald, Benjamin and I got him a new pack of megablocks as he had defecated on his original set to the extent we deemed them more suited for the dumpster than cleaning, and several "Cars" cardboard books. He has never been great about sitting down and listening to stories with other people, but he loves looking at books by himself.

Also in attendance were DadDad and Michaela; Gigi and Papa were not able to come as they live six hours away, but they sent him a new puppy backpack and an adorable red tricycle with a trunk...Gabe loves it.

After presents, we took a short break and then moved straight into cake. Rhonda and I had discussed it and came to the conclusion that the less we did, the better. While Emerald is getting to the point where she wants her birthday party to last for hours, Gabe has a short attention span and dislikes crowds of people, loud noises, bright colors, or people paying too much attention to him. He is learning how to cope, but in manageable doses.

Keeping that in mind, I opted out of snacks or an actual meal, deciding to keep it to cake and drinks. Even still, I wanted a good variety, so I got a medium-sized carrot cake (it is Veggie Tales themed, after all) as well as four red velvet cupcakes and four chocolate curl cupcakes; we still had the rainbow sprinkled chocolate doughnut holes that we did not use for his Bible school class so we put those out, and Rhonda set up a bowl full of mixed nuts which are Gabriel's current favorite food. Rhonda also brewed sweet and unsweet tea, and I brought root beer, sprite, and orange soda.

Everyone seemed to have a good time, even rushed as the party was. When we got home, everyone was exhausted from such a busy day.

All in all, I am quite pleased with how well everything went, and Gabe seemed to enjoy it :) I am counting it as a win. Now I don't have to plan another kid's birthday party until Benjamin's first in September!

--Andie--

A Much Needed Expedition

2012-01-19T14:37:00.000-08:00

It feels like we have been indoors all year long.

That is no exaggeration--this summer was one of the driest and hottest Texas has ever experienced, and I was heavily pregnant during that time. We could scarcely walk outside without my head swimming and I started to feel faint, so we had to pack up and come back in. Not to mention that Emerald was struggling with the potty training outside which meant that we were out just long enough for her to relax and realize she needed to poo, so I would be forced to grab everyone and rush us in as quickly as possible so she could sit on the potty and do nothing. Then of course we had Benjamin and he was too young to brave the elements for very long at all.

Once I was not pregnant and Emerald was potty trained and Benjamin was old enough to go outside, it got too cold! We hated being trapped inside the house all day long, and we were all getting cabin fever pretty severely.

This week, the weather has been absolutely gorgeous outside which means that we can start spending time out back again!

Of course, I realize that it is weird that it is halfway through January and we are having such lovely days. It makes me worry about how hot the summer is going to be, but I try not to dwell on that too much and we try and take advantage of being outside as much as possible.

Yesterday, we were able to go out for about an hour to swing and play on the slide; I walked Benjamin around in his stroller, until Gabe started getting a bit chilled and needed to come inside.

It was such a big hit and everyone had such a good time that I decided to do a repeat today; we just skipped nap all together and headed outside after lunch.

This time I set Ben up on a towel so that he could enjoy the fresh air and sunshine and roll around a bit. I took lots of pictures but they depressed me because my grass is so dead so they are rather drear. His baby cheeks started turning pink, so I took off his sweatpants; he was still too hot, so I stripped him down to his diaper. That's when he really started enjoying the gentle and cool breeze and the unseasonably warm sunshine.

Gabriel made a beeline for the swing, as usual, but now he will sign "Go" when he wants me to push him. This is very exciting, and I am pleased that he is working so hard at communicating. Playing outside is a good motivator for him.

Emerald swung and played on the slide and rode on her scooter and pretended to be a pirate, but the second I brought out the water hose to water my drab dirt backyard, she was completely uninterested in anything else. I didn't want her making a big mess of herself, but when I saw Gabe eyeing the hose hopefully too, I decided to let them go ahead and get soaked--after all, we had plenty of time to clean up before occupational therapy later that afternoon, and it was a lovely day for it.

The water was obviously pretty chilled still, but after running around in the hot sun, they were both ready for some refreshing cool water. Emerald continued to water my glass as Gabriel ran through it and giggled. Occasionally they would stop and steal a drink from the hose, which made me glad that we sprung for the water hose that makes the water drinkable. Something about filtering out the worst of the lead or something, I don't remember.

After a while, I let Gabe hold the hose for Emerald to run through. Gabe really liked that a lot--he is not used to being in control of these kinds of things.

Unfortunately about that time is when I noticed Gabe was shivering from head to foot, even though he was having the time of his life. Feeling quite guilty, I made them come inside, but gave them a hot shower and a special treat--together, we made Valentine's Day Mickey Mouse cookies and had that and flavored water for snack.

I cannot tel you how excited I am that we are able to spend time outside again. There is only so much you can do in the house, and having somewhere else to go really breaks up the tedium. I am thinking if maybe the weather holds, we will attempt walking down to the park soon; Gabe has his puppy lead and Benjamin can ride in the stroller. I will probably have someone come with us the first time so that I have an extra pair of hands for wrangling. The park is not far away at all and I can trust the kids to behave if they are getting a special treat like that. I just have to keep it simple :)

So yay for outdoor play!!

Home Again

2012-01-19T12:52:00.000-08:00

I am kind of a mean mommy. I don't take all the Christmas presents out of the box on the day the kids get them, because then they lose everything in the chaos of Christmas and they get bored with them that much quicker...

At any rate, I open a couple presents at a time over the course of about a month so that the kids can appreciate them a little at a time.

In Emerald's stocking, she got a three-game set of Jacks, Pick-Up-Sticks, and Tiddlywinks. Now, I have played Jacks before (although the only thing I remember is leaving them out on the floor for Daddy to step on in bare feet--that got me in a bit of trouble!!) but Pick Up Sticks and Tiddlywinks are new to me. So I sit down with her and I am trying to figure these games out but I am making it way more complicated than it needs to be so I am confused and getting frustrated...in the end, it turns out I just stink at these games, lol.

When I was younger, I really enjoyed marbles, because that's how cool I was. I was thinking about buying some marbles and teaching Emerald how to play when lo and behold--I found a bag of game marbles in our shed! The last tenants must have left them, but we have to be careful because marbles are such a choking hazard.

Uncle Royce got Gabriel some inflatable long balloons with a little hand pump to blow them up with; I blew up a few of them and let the kids use them as swords to fight, until Gabe started chewing on them and Emerald was shooting them all around the living room--someone was either going to choke or get a balloon to the eye, so I called a stop to it and put the balloons away.

Benjamin got a lot of toys that light up and talk in annoying high pitched voices and make music...you know, basically the toys babies just adore. Well, they are the only ones--older kids love them too. Gabe and Emerald wanted to play with Ben's toys as much as he did!

I put together Gabriel's Thomas the Train railroad set; you flip a switch and Thomas puffs along until his batteries go dead or until you flip his switch again. Gabe did not like that and wanted to manipulate the train on his own, which I am fine with, as it is hard to keep enough batteries for all their toys that require it.

It was a lot of fun to play with all these new toys together :)

More Pictures from our Trip to Abilene

2012-01-19T12:38:00.000-08:00

Gabriel playing in the tummy mat--Aunt Julia set it up for Benjamin to use while we were there.

Andrew was fascinated with Benjamin; Ben loved playing with him!

Uncle Jarrod and Andrew playing Skyrim together.

The nudist is at it again--he didn't want to wear clothes pretty much the whole time we were there.

Benjamin got a Bumpo from Oma for Christmas--this is him practicing sitting up like a big boy.

Emerald trying on hats at the store; we ended up buying her a big floppy white sunhat for $2.50!

Gabe at Burger King, staring longingly at the play place.

Tummy time!

Momma and Emerald.

At the Frozen Yogurt place; they liked sitting on the tall stools.

Trip to the Zoo

2012-01-19T12:10:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday in Abilene, Jarrod took me and the kids to the zoo!

I have to say--the fact that they have a zoo is a major selling point for possibly moving to Abilene. Lubbock does not have one, which I have always found disappointing.

Anyways, Tuesday Julia had to go back to work but Jarrod still had the day off. He has a year-long pass to go to the zoo, so he called Emerald and had her meet us up there. We took a stroller for Benjamin and a two-seater wagon for the bigger kids, which left Emerald walking. That is okay, seeing as she is four years old and we don't need to be dragging her all over the place.

When we got there, it was pretty chilly but not bad. The wind had a bit of a bite, but overall it was decent for a January day. Right outside the zoo they have a little lake full of different types of birds, and that's where we went first.

One of the sensory things we do with Gabe is deep pressure--a good way to accomplish that is to get him to push heavy weights. So while we were going across the grass, I had Gabe push the stroller. Jarrod laughed because Julia dislikes the stroller because it is too heavy (which it is, comparatively to an umbrella stroller) but there Gabe was just trucking pushing it and Ben as well!

When we got inside, Emerald was there and she brought her daughter Lily, as well as two of the children she watches during the day--Taevyn who is 2 and Kelton who is 5 weeks. I kept worrying the kids would be too cold, but everyone seemed just fine--they were really enjoying themselves. Because we got there early and the weather was less than ideal, the zoo was pretty deserted--the kids could all walk between us, except the ones that were too tired to walk and rode in the wagon.

Emerald's favorite part of the zoo was walking around with Lily. She doesn't have any little girl friends to play with, so it was fun having more than just boys around. Every exhibit was fun for her, and she just overall had a great time.

The only downside was when it was nearly time to go--Ms. Emerald took the little girls to the bathroom, but I could hear my little Emerald in there screeching so I went to help. Apparently, she did not want to try and go potty and was having a meltdown because of it; more than likely, she was just reacting to the stress of transition, and did not want to leave the zoo to go back to Jarrod and Julia's. Anyways, I was helping Emerald go potty and she pushed me of the stall, slammed the door closed and locked it, yelling "I said I was NOT going to go potty! Go away!". I had to slither on my stomach on a public restroom floor to get under the stall--Emerald was not a happy camper after that :-/

Gabriel seemed to enjoy himself as well, but far and away his favorite part was feeding the giraffes. There is this steep bridge and at the top there is a cracker cart; there are two giraffes that eat the crackers at the top. It was so cute--Gabe would hold out the cracker, but as soon as that long black tongue would reach out to get it, he would squeal in terror and drop it, laughing as the giraffe used his freaky almost-prehensile tongue to pull the cracker to his mouth. Of course, that was a big hit with all the children, but I had fairly convinced myself that all Gabe was going to do was attempt to eat the crackers and run off while we were distracted.

The other part that he really enjoyed was the train ride--it is a train that goes all around the zoo, reeling off facts about the animals as we drive past. Gabriel, Benjamin, and I were in one train car; Emerald rode with Uncle Jarrod and Andrew. Trains are a favorite of Gaby's.

After the zoo, we loaded up and went to Schlotzsky's for lunch--I got a pizza and potato soup and both the kids had ham sandwiches. Gabe just ate the ham and tried to eat the cheese off the bread, but overall they behaved themselves and had a good time.

That little cutie is Taevyn--he is the most sociable little boy I think I have ever met; he is just darling.

We had such a good time at the zoo; I hope we can go again sometime soon!!

--Andie--

Our Visit in Abilene

2012-01-16T09:46:00.000-08:00

There's a picture of Dominic and Emerald on the ride back to Abilene :)

I decided that who and what Benjamin is right now is still pretty ill-defined as he is only four months old, so he will get his own 'getting to know you' post next time around, when he is a little over a year and is starting to have more of an individualistic personality.

We got back to Jarrod and Julia's on Sunday night; we stopped at Eric and Emerald's on the way and had a pizza dinner with them. Monday, Jarrod and Julia had off so we went to Wal-Mart to get potty training stuff for Andrew, which Julia is going to start working on soon. While we were there, I found a leash puppy pal for Gabriel--it is basically a little fuzzy lab puppy that sits on his back like a backpack, with the four legs reaching around to clasp on his chest. It has a matching fuzzy leash.

Okay, so child leashes are a little controversial. I am well aware of the judgmental, incredulous looks that I get from other parents as Gabriel toddles about on the other end of the leash. After this story, however, you will see why I felt I needed a puppy pal leash and harness.

I buy the puppy and we head to the mall so the kids can play in the fun zone. I put Gabe's puppy harness on so that I can see how he is going to cope with it--I keep the loop of the leash around my wrist, but Gabe holds my hand docilely as we walk through the mall. Maybe he doesn't need it after all??

Feeling more confident, I take it off as we take off the kids' shoes and let them run around and play. Benjamin just sleeps in his car seat, and when he wakes up he goes shopping with Auntie Julia. Emerald made a friend right away--a pretty little girl that introduced herself as Blake. It was really funny because Emerald replies with, "My name is Jessica", the little story-teller!!

I am running around, getting pictures for the blog and trying to corral the kids when another mother approaches me and tells me one has made a break for it. The mall is fairly empty so I can see that Gabe has all ready gotten about five stores away and is running hard. I take off at a full sprint, people laughing at me as I give chase to a delighted and laughing little boy. It was quite funny to everyone else but to me it was terrifying--what if he had gotten lost or further away before I noticed he was gone? What if someone else picked him up? He was running for all he was worth and had a pretty significant lead on me.

I did, obviously, catch him fairly quickly; the rest of the time we were there, I stood guard at the entrance so that he couldn't make a second escape attempt...the little stinker crawled over the wall!! It made me realize to what extent I have a "wanderer"--a child that copes with stress or boredom by taking off. A woman on my ASD forum posted a great article about wanderers that was full of great advice for how to contain Gabe and how to recover him as quickly as possible if he does slip away. One of which was: Leash him while you still can! It will help in public places.

For dinner, Jarrod made a venison taco cheesy noodle casserole--he made the mistake of telling Emerald that it was deer meat, because she refused to touch it saying "I don't want to eat moose noodles!" How she arrived at that conclusion, I can not fathom, but it was quite hilarious.

Tuesday we went to the zoo with Emerald and the children she watches during the day, but I am going to give that trip it's own post.

Jarrod and Julia had to go back to work on Wednesday, so the kids and I got back into a bit of routine, taking an extra long bubble bath in their clawfoot bathtub. Jarrod came home and had lunch with us, and when Mom got home from work we made tacos for dinner. The really neat thing about Wednesday was that Benjamin slept through the night for the first time; mom had bought him infant rice cereal and baby food, so little Ben ate until he was too uncomfortable to move. He was apparently full enough to stay that way all night long!

Wednesday night was also church. Jarrod and Julia and Mom all go to this relatively small church--about 15 members, plus Jarrod and all his friends--so they have dinner provided every Wednesday night; one of them volunteers to cook it. Emerald and Jarrod collaborated to make cheesy broccoli soup and shredded chicken mixed salad, plus there were peaches and peach cobbler and M&M cookies.

Thursday Jarrod came home again for lunch and took me and the kids to Burger King. Emerald and Gabriel loved playing in the play place, but it was hard to drag them away to eat. Emerald of course loves fast food and watched Oso Special Bear; Gabriel completely ignored his food to look sadly at the play place until we were ready to leave. Mom brought home Carino's for dinner--I got lemon-pepper mahi mahi with artichoke hearts and squash and zucchini, which would have been really good if I had thought to warm it up. We tried to watch Mars Needs Moms but the kids were too loud and rowdy.

The low note of Thursday was when I went to take a shower after dinner--as soon as I had climbed in the aforementioned claw foot bathtub, it began to lean precariously. I yelled for helped, but unfortunately my mother answered the call; she could not stop laughing because I had broken one of the feet off the tub. I had to go get Jarrod to come and fix the tub, feeling like a rhino the whole time for breaking a solid tub like that. All my friends got a pretty good laugh out of that one.

I ended up staying up quite late that night because Gabe opted out of dinner as well; by the time we were laying down for bed, he was too hungry to sleep and too sleepy to eat. I made him a caramel cocoa, but he just cried and cried for hours, his little tummy growling noisily and him refusing to eat or drink anything I gave him until he just fell asleep out of exhaustion.

Friday passed quietly enough with us generally trying to pack up and get ready to go home the next day. After Mom got off of work, she took the kids and me to a frozen yogurt shop to get a treat. I got limoncello with strawberries and blueberries; Emerald got red velvet cake with chocolate chips. She loved it so much, but it look like she had just eaten a squirrel or something because she had red dripping down her face and all over her top. Gabe doesn't do utensils so well and would be more interested in finger painting with the fro-yo than actually eating it, so we gave him a small cup full of M&Ms and gummy bears.

While we were eating our snack, Mom and I decided we wanted to make a nice dinner for Julia since it was my last night there. We discussed getting together a picnic dinner to eat at the park because it was unseasonably warm, but we worried about Gabe not eating or wanting to run off. So instead we got groceries and we made: Parmesan and herb-crusted panko chicken, crushed red potatoes, braised and browned Brussels sprouts with red onion, and potato rolls. I think it turned out pretty good, if I do say so myself.

Julia took me out to a martini bar after dinner with Emerald and Marnie, friends of hers and Jarrod's while Jarrod and Mom watched the kids. It was a cute place with big fancy chandeliers and girly touches everywhere, with drinks with names I was much to embarrassed to order aloud. It was a lot of fun hanging out and talking. Afterwards, we went to Emerald's house and had tea.

Saturday was the day we were going home--Mom was driving us. I called Michael who told me he had to work late and wouldn't be home until 7 pm, so none of us felt in a big rush to leave until 3 at the latest.

Poor Michael was trying to surprise me because Joe gave him the second half of the day off to greet us when we got there, but he couldn't surprise me because he fibbed and we didn't get out of there until 3.30. I felt really bad when he told me, but he was expecting us home at around 3 or so.

We went to Kohl's and exchanged Emerald's gift, and got her a big floppy sun hat, a pair of mittens with hearts on the back, and a pair of chocolate-colored corduroys. Once Butters was done at the pet salon, we picked him up and headed out to Lubbock. We ended up getting home at about 7 that night, incidentally the time Michael would have gotten home had he opted to stay at work. We got Chinese for dinner, which was super yummy; I never get to eat Chinese any more.

Mom stayed the night and we took her and the kids to church the next morning at Monterey and stayed for church for the first time. The kids went to the hero worship, which is a special program for the kids during service. Michael and I went to that while Mom stayed with Gabriel; it was pretty good, if you ignore the beatboxer behind us (which we tried very hard to do).

She headed back to Abilene after having a fajita lunch with us, and told us she would come visit again the next long weekend she had.

It was a good visit, and we are happy to be home now :)

--Andie--

The Kids Today--Gabriel

2012-01-15T14:01:00.001-08:00

Continuing with the last post, this is about Mr. Gabriel and where he is and who he is as of today!

Gabriel is almost three years old--he will turn three next month. He is a clever, persistent, athletic, sweet-natured, and autistic little boy. His nicknames are Gabe, Gable-Gobbles, Goo-Boo, Goob, and Gaby Baby, though you're lucky if he responds to any of them.

His favorites:

Games--Gabriel likes to play physical games, usually where rules are not strictly adhered and he gets to run and jump around and just enjoy himself. He can kick, throw, or catch a ball, can run near-unceasingly, and has vast amounts of energy. Daily, we have to do sensory activities such as brushing him, deep pressure massage, deep pressure compressions, running, pushing Benjamin in a laundry basket, spinning, and wearing a weighted vest so that Gabe has the control and focus to practice communicative and social skills that he is currently lacking.

Activities--Gabe will wrestle with you just as long as you are willing to participate and he seems to think that whenever someone picks him up they are wanting to flip him. He is still all-around an outdoors kid and he hates to be stuck inside all day. Once we are out there, he likes to run and throw balls, swing on the swing set, jump off of things, and explore. In the shed, we have a spare bed frame that he likes to scale like he is climbing a mountain. Inside, bubbles are a big hit and one of the better motivators to get him to sign.

TV Shows--Veggie Tales.

That is all.

Just. Veggie Tales.

Food--We are not quite sure, but it seems like Gabe's olfactory and/or gustatory systems are hyposensitive, so overall he is generally uninterested in eating actual food, preferring instead to consume non-food items such as chalk, crayons, candles, rocks, dirt, mud, diaper wipes, cardboard, and paper. Per suggestion from his OT, we are going to start incorporating more exciting flavors such as lemon pepper and cinnamon into his meals to see if we can tempt him into trying a wider variety of foods. As of right now, he has a pretty standard list of foods that he will eat, none of which he is particularly enthused about but does not toss to the floor or blatantly ignore like he does other times.

Movie--Once again, Veggie Tales (particularly Jonah) are your best bet with Gabriel. But if you need a much needed break from that, "Monsters Inc", "Princess and the Frog", and Toy Story's 1 and 2 are usually good bets with him. He will watch Cars until after Mac loses Lightening on the interstate before he loses interest, and Disney's cartoon "Robin Hood" will sometimes hold his attention for a little while. He loves Mickey Mouse, he just hasn't seen an interpretation of Mickey yet that he just loved (having mostly watched Clubhouse Mickey and the old black and whites).

Songs--When he is upset, "The Sausage Man" song will generally calm him down. Other than that, he doesn't pay much attention. I sing "You Are My Sunshine" to him, and we have our end-of-the-day and our wake-up songs, none of which he protests, but I don't know if he is really listening or not.

Books--Gabe does not like to sit with people and read. He has no patience for how slowly you turn the pages, doesn't like hearing you drone on, and would much rather just look at the book himself, thank you very much. When the kids are bathing, I read aloud to them from whatever source I chose that day, be it a children's book or a book I'm currently reading (mostly parenting) or GameInformer and he seems to like that. On his own, he loves to flip through pages of...you guessed it--Veggie Tales books!

Toys--Bead tracks are still a favorite, and he likes balls. He has a big red soccer ball he likes to carry around and throw; maybe he would make a good goalie? He does seem to have a diminished pain tolerance. Firetrucks are a new big thing with him as well, especially ones that make too much noise and light up. Toy Story toys are good because he seems to remember them from the movies, and he adores Rex the Dinosaur because he roars and yells inappropriately in conversation, not unlike Gabe himself. His favorite though is his plush Larry the Cucumber. Because of course it is.

Gabriel is a mama's boy and has very strong opinions on how his day should proceed, including how mommy should (and should not) wear her hair. He is a wanderer, liking to get away from people to explore and be in the quiet or outdoors by himself. Given the choice, he would never wear shoes and rarely--if ever--wear clothes or diapers. Though he is developmentally delayed on several levels, anyone that spends time with him can tell you that Gabe is obviously an intelligent child with complex emotional levels; he is just currently unable to express it. Our family wouldn't be complete without our lovely, beautiful Gabriel!!

The Kids Today--Emerald

2012-01-15T13:27:00.000-08:00

Around this time last year (technically December of 2010, but close enough) I wrote posts about "getting to know the babies better", talking about favorites and who they were at that moment in time. Looking back at those posts have made me quite nostalgic, so I decided it was time for an updated version!

Emerald is four years old now, and is a strong-willed, stubborn, sensitive, beautiful child. Her nicknames are still Em, Emmie, and Emmie-Lou Darling, though she does insist more often than not that her name is Emerald and that is what she would like to be called.

Her favorites:

Games--She is very fond of the Hungry Caterpillar Game, Memory, and Candy Land currently, though any game you are willing to play with her is a game she is excited about. Lately, she has been getting into the old school games like hopscotch, tiddlywinks, jacks, and pick up sticks, all of which I am hopeless awful at.

Activities--Emerald is a great helper around the house. She loves to make Benjamin smile or laugh, so she plays with him a great deal. One thing she particularly enjoys doing is putting on puppet shows for Ben, singing silly songs and telling goofy little stories. Dressing up is a new-found favorite of hers as well, and she recently acquired several wonderful new pieces in which to fancify herself. When she has been especially good, sometimes Daddy will reward her by taking her to pick out a comic book from the comic shop and to get ice cream from the ice cream shop.

TV Shows--She is agreeable to watch pretty much anything, though "Yo Gabba Gabba" and "Pinky Dinky Doo" are always top contenders. Others she is enthusiastic about are "Sesame Street", "Dora the Explorer", and "Angelina Ballerina". The only thing really that she is uninterested in are things that Gabriel has watched unto death.

Food--Emerald is still pretty much a junk food kiddo. She loves pepperoni pizza, corn dogs, and the typical "kids" stuff: grilled cheese, hot dogs, ranch, fruit snacks, goldfish...before we go grocery shopping, I help her draw a picture list of some of the things she would like to get from the store, then help her pick them out once we are there. I show her how to tell if the fruit is good or not, how to pick things based on price (though she is still struggling with that concept, obviously) and how to pick between two similar items that we don't need both of (goldfish and cheese-its for example). This has gotten her excited about shopping with Mommy and helps her feel more important because she now has responsibilities. Also, it has cut down on her asking for everything in the store!

Movie--Barbie movies are a big hit with her, "Swan Lake" and "The Magic of Pegasus" being up there with her favorites. "Princess Hello Kitty" is a big hit as well, and the Disney princess movies. The biggest treat for her is letting her lay in bed and watch a girly movie all by herself or with mommy and daddy in there as well. Gabriel tends to dominate what we watch out here because he is so much more particular than Emerald, and she doesn't get to just be a girl and do girl stuff as much as she would like. Sometimes, instead of taking naps, her and I set up in her room after the boys go to sleep and we watch a movie together while I paint her nails or braid her hair.

Songs--Emerald's interest in music has taken a shift to pop-y songs like Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus, but is majorly dominated with church songs. "The Fruit of the Spirit" song, "Day 1", and "My God is so Big" are all common requests and are sung by her nearly every day, but loves to sing any song you would find at church.

Books--Emerald has two favorites right now--"Periwinkle Smith and the Twirly Whirly Tutu" and "God's Little Princess" are delicately feminine in a way that Emerald cannot get enough of. They are pink books and about little girls that dance and dress up and have tea parties, just like her, and she absolutely loves every minute of that. She has taken to memorizing books and "reading" them back to you or Benjamin, which I am told is a pre-reading skill. Reading is still a major interest for her--I read aloud to the kids from their own books as well as from whatever I am reading. They don't understand all the words, but they like the sound of my voice.

Toys--This one is nearly impossible to tell, because we just had Christmas and she has many new exciting toys that have grabbed her attention. Overall, she loves Disney princesses, Barbies, dolls, make-believe toys like tea sets, magic wands, and dress up clothes. She is positively obsessed with accessories and wants to pick out what shoes, hat, and jewelry she wears with every outfit. I wish she had more little girl friends so that she could have someone to dress up with; I myself am not very good at it, though I try my hardest, and Gabriel and Benjamin remain totally uninterested.

Emerald loves her daddy and her brothers, praying and playing church (as well as going to the real deal), and snow. Her favorite color is pink as she will tell you many times, and she has an opinion on everything. Overwhelmingly, she is sensitive and wants other kids to like her and want to play with her, wanting to make them happy and not get them into trouble. She digs in her heels quite often when she doesn't get her way, but she is getting better. She is beautiful and intelligent, sweet and patient and kindhearted, all around a wonderful little princess!!

Gigi and Papa's Christmas

2012-01-12T15:53:00.001-08:00

As I said in another post, normally at Granny and Papa's house, Christmas starts dark and early--usually we are up before the sun, all tearing into our presents, much to Michael's exhaustion, lol. This year, the one that Michael was unable to make it, we actually couldn't start until later!!

Amber and Jud both worked Friday and could not get out of Tyler until early Saturday morning, so they didn't arrive until 9 or so. As they knew Amber would be late, Aunt Cindy and Uncle Ted did not rush over, so they did not arrive until around 10.30 or so.

This actually turned out to be a blessing because it gave us plenty of time to do Gabriel's sensory things!!

Every day, we have a list of things that Michael and I are supposed to do with Gabriel that help him feel more focused and calmed and centered. Basically, it helps him learn and cope with his environment better.

So that morning--New Years Eve--Jarrod and Tyler (my cousin) helped me. We spun him around in circles in the swivel computer chair or holding him, ran him up and down the stairs, did deep-pressure compressions, chased him outside until he was breathless, brushed him, and put his weighted vest on. Anytime he got overwhelmed we took him out to the van so he could sit and regroup for a few minutes or Oma would rock him and spell words or recite addition problems.

We had the plan that we would try and get Gabriel to wear his new headphones while we opened presents, and if that did not work, I would take him into the computer room where he could open his presents all by himself.

He would only wear the headphones for short bursts, and as the presents were being handed out, I noticed he was getting more and more fidgety. Right before everyone tore in, I got Gabe to sign "thank you" to Gigi and Papa, and I snuck him off into the computer room. I think it was the right decision because I didn't want to make the day more stressful for him than it needed to be, and we haven't gotten very good at calming him down once he is worked up yet.

He opened one present and then was officially done--it was the "Jonah" veggie tales DVD and from that point forward, all he did was stare at that movie. So as soon as I was done trying to tempt his attention away, I finally put his new movie in to watch and went to go check on Emerald and Benjamin.

You never have to worry about either of them--someone is always happy to hold little Benji, who is an incredibly happy, loving little baby that will be content to lay in your arms or thrilled if you babble and play with him. Emerald had all ready torn into all of her presents and was wandering around seeing what everyone else got, so I opened my own presents and Benjamin's as well.

After opening all our presents and trying new clothes on and everything, Papa went outside and saddled up the horses, much to Emerald's delight. I let her go outside and ride, but Gabriel wasn't very interested. I helped clean up and set out the smorgasbord of food--there were sausage balls, queso, french bread and bruschetta, crudites, several types of cheeses, summer sausage, hummus, dips, orange slices, chips...more than I could possibly remember, but I bet you Granny is going to be eating leftovers from that lunch for a long time.

We just kind of lounged about for the rest of the day--we took a nap, Gabe watched that Jonah DVD at least the full times (he just kept requesting it, and no one had the heart to tell him no!), Emerald and I went to Sam Moon to exchange a purse that Julia had gotten. While we were gone, Mom set up the tent for Gabriel who was absolutely thrilled to have his own little special place. Benjamin got spoiled rotten because he was not set down for a minute the entire time we were there, so when we left and he had to spend some of the day entertaining himself, he was less than pleased, lol.

Gigi was worn out and requested that we NOT stay up until midnight on New Year's Eve, seeing as we were all in her house and we all had church in the morning. The kids went to sleep around the usual time, but Amber, Julia, and I stayed up late talking so that we could ring in the new year together.

Sunday morning, we got up and got gussied up to go to my hometown church. I miss it a lot, but it feels so different because so many things have changed since I was there. Gabriel and Emerald were all in the same class and Benjamin was right next door, so I stayed in the class with Gabe to help him out. Sure enough, he made multiple (rather successful) escape attempts that left me clodding up the hall to catch him. Poor Dominic at one point tried to bar the door to keep Gabe from leaving, which earned him a rather harsh hair-pulling from Mr. Gabe. Emerald herself had a bit of a meltdown when we left class. Service went pretty smoothly--Benjamin and Emerald made it all the way through sitting next to Gigi, while Gabriel only made it to communion before I had to sneak him out. Gabriel had taken a liking to my cousin Justin, so they played together in the nursery with the other kids while I went back to church.

After service was over, we decided to go out for lunch to spare Granny another mess to clean up. Unfortunately we forgot that it was now New Years Day and almost everywhere was closed. Babe's chicken ended up being opened, so we went there--it was really good, actually. We got fried chicken (some people got chicken fried steak) and mashed potatoes, black-eyed peas, this sweet corn, and gravy...the atmosphere was a bit hectic, so I couldn't convince Gabriel to eat--he just watched Jonah on my phone while everyone else ate and I fed him ham and cheese and oranges and trail mix when we got back to Gigi's house.

We loaded up in the car and drove back to Jarrod and Julia's after that--we stopped long enough to drop Dominic off with his mom, and had a pizza dinner at Ms. Emerald's house.

So that is the last "post" of 2011!! Stay tuned for our adventures after the new year :)

Going to Abilene

2012-01-03T13:24:00.000-08:00

Fact about me: I hate travelling.

Oh, I know most people are not a big fan; generally speaking it is a tedious chore rather than a fun adventure, especially if you have young children. But I particularly dread it--I don't particularly like being in the car for extended periods of time, Gabriel struggles with new environments and changes in his routine (kid will have a rotten day if Emerald showers before he does in the morning, imagine what it is like to uproot and go somewhere else), and packing is a nightmare.

I mean, seriously--you always forget one important thing, like a toothbrush or wipes or a bottle. Something that you will need every day that you are there but might not need the morning you are loading up. Then, of course you are going to leave several things wherever you stay. I am bad about leaving my cell phone charger, then simply having to buy a new one. And deciding what is of importance enough to take or what you can do without...ugh!!

Anyways, I have a good time once I have reached my destination, but I am antsy and tense leading up to the actual arrival, which does not do for someone with small children.

I am lucky in that all three of my children apparently travel well. They don't ask to stop a million times to go to the bathroom, they play with the same few toys quietly until they are bored and then just stare out the window until we get there. Very low maintenance. But I am so tightly-wound that I fear I am stressing everyone else out.

Dad came and picked us up on Wednesday around lunchtime. We took my van because it has lots of seating, and we drove to Abilene in about 3 hours. Overall, not bad at all. We stopped once to get the kids some McDonald's and then arrived at Uncle Jarrod's by mid-afternoon.

Jarrod and Julia and Andrew were out of town visiting Julia's mother for Christmas, so it was just us and Oma and Grandpop until we left for Ponder on Friday. Aunt Cindy, Uncle Ted, and our cousins Jessica, Grace, and Grant were driving through back home from Christmas in New Mexico, and they stopped and had a BBQ dinner with us on their way through. It was a lot of fun--Emerald enjoyed playing with all the cousins, Benjamin loved getting the extra attention, and Gabriel adored the ham, lol.

Thursday was when the trip started getting more stressful, all because of....

...this guy.

Ben is a baby--he could care less where he is, especially if he is getting fed. Emerald is curious by nature, and this gave her the chance to play with toys she doesn't have and explore a house she doesn't remember well. Gabriel, while not a tantrum-er, certainly acts out when there is a change in the way he lives in his life.

It became a necessity for him to have constant supervision. At home, generally speaking I can sneak away to the bathroom if I really have to go or pop out to check the mail, especially if Benjamin is asleep in his bassinet. Now, I didn't even have the luxury of sitting down to feed Benjamin without looking up and seeing Gabriel engaged in some sort of shenanigans.

First, he would take off his diaper after he pooped in it, then run around the house stark naked (and quite yicky) until I could catch him, clean him up, and go searching for the soiled diaper and any mess he made between it and where I caught him. Of course, that takes a few minutes which means that in the time that I am cleaning up his last mess, he is all ready fully engaged in making a new one. Scaling the baby gates, climbing on top of counters, knocking over chairs, pulling Christmas ornaments off the tree and attempting to break/hide them, standing on the table, or swinging from the chandelier...every second, he was endangering himself and fraying every single last one of my delicate nerves.

Food became an issue as well, because of my spoiled children's limited diets. At home, I buy things that I know they will eat, but I also offer them whatever Michael and I are having. If they choose not to eat it, it is no big deal. But at someone else's house, if they opt out of a meal, that is wasting food we did not pay for. I feel guilty as heck about that, and I don't like doing it. So I try and generally give the kids things that I know they are likely to want so that I minimize waste. Unfortunately, while Gabe is stressed out and away from home, meal times become even more difficult--he does not focus long enough to eat, throws all his food on the floor, and doesn't say anything when he is simply famished and actually NEEDS to crack and eat something. It is just sort of a sucky situation for him because he really doesn't mean to be acting this way, but he is positively driving me crazy!!

Emerald enjoyed herself a great deal. And I liked spending time with Mom--Dad left Friday morning without us and we didn't get to see him again before we left.

Between clumsy rhino me and destructor Gabriel, we managed to break something in Jarrod and Julia's house pretty much every day that we stayed there!!

Thursday evening, Mom made us cabbage rolls which are absolutely wonderful. My great-grandmother used to make them for us--traditionally they are called runza's in Germany, and they are pastries stuffed with hamburger and onion and cabbage and seasonings...

yeah--all that awesomeness. They are super good especially when you eat them with salsa.

Friday, we left for Ponder. We stopped on the way to pick up Brian who rode in the back with Emerald. They really got along very well. When we got to Granny's, almost everyone else was there all ready. She had made these really tasty crock-pot enchiladas and we also had tamales which were surprisingly spicy. We had gotten there so late that all the mild tamales were all ready eaten!

Normally when Michael is with us, we all sleep in the bonus room upstairs because we have the biggest family that will be staying there, but since Michael didn't come with us this time the boys and I stayed in the computer room that has an adjoining bathroom. Emerald slept in a sleeping bag upstairs in Oma's room.

Next post: Christmas with Gigi and Papa!

--Andie!--

Christmas Morning at Home, Second Christmas

2012-01-03T12:55:00.001-08:00

Michael and I decided it would probably be best if we spent Christmas Eve night at our house--Gabriel is still having tons of trouble sleeping, Benjamin is not yet sleeping through the night...we figured it would be easiest on everybody.

So Christmas morning, we got up and spent it together, just the five of us!

The boys always wake up at around 6.30, which is NOT the time Michael would like to be waking on his day off, little less to open presents. In Michael's family, Christmas morning is fairly relaxed--they wake up naturally and let everyone else do the same, take turns opening presents one at a time...in my family, generally we are all rousing about 5 or so and after the adults get their coffee, the kids are woken and in an atmosphere of sheer chaos, we all simultaneously tear into our presents no later than 6.30 (having pushed it back in consideration of Michael). Wrapping paper is flying everywhere, people are hollering across the room thanking one another and telling everyone what they got...with about 30 people all in one living room, it gets a little rowdy :)

I tell you all of this because Michael and I did not have the foresight to discuss how we would best like to handle gifts that morning. I guess we both had it in our heads to do it the way we had always done it with our respective families, but those methods are fairly incompatible.

We ended up heading straight for the tree when everyone was awake and letting them see their Santa gifts right away--Emerald got an 18 inch pose-able doll named Addison, and the boys got an Elephant game that shoots colored balls in the air for them to chase or sending it into a loop for continuous play. Then we let them open their presents--Emerald got scented Jolly Rancher nail polish from Gabriel that makes your nails candy colored; Benjamin got her a Little Mermaid Ariel barbie for her growing collection of Disney Princess barbies; Michael and I got her a dessert tea set in pale pink with little pastries and pies. Gabriel got two Veggie Tales DVDs from Benjamin, a noisy red fire truck from Emerald, and a Thomas the Tank Engine train set from Mommy and Daddy. Benjamin got an assortment of rattles that attach to his arms and legs, pacifiers, and little toys.

Stockings: Emerald got a lip gloss watch, bubbles, a ladybug necklace, a mosaic craft, candy canes, and magnetic alphabet for the fridge. Gabriel got magnetic numbers for the fridge, bubbles, pacifiers, and candy canes.

After we opened all our gifts, the kids set up to play with them while Daddy made us a big breakfast and I cleaned up the house and tossed out all the wrapping paper and trash. We ended up having a quiet day, just enjoying one another's company and playing with all the neat new things we got.

Second Christmas:

After a day of being lazy and hanging out, we headed back over to Glo and Pawpaw's for Christmas with everyone, including Steve and Melisa and Sydney and Macy, plus Grannymom and Daddad and Patrick.

Rhonda made enchiladas which were really good. Emerald was antsy to open presents--she is getting a little spoiled, that one.

Michael got two new Fedoras, which just about made his year, and a nice new pen. He also got a pipe mug and a picture of him and his great-grandfather Pappy who passed away the year before last. Michael had been close to him and misses him a great deal. I got a gorgeous new bright blue coat that I have not stopped wearing since.

Gabriel and Emerald both got beautiful new rocking chairs; Gabe also got pretzels, which kept him occupied while everyone else were opening their gifts. Emerald got a McDonald's play set which she is currently obsessed with--she kept getting everyone to order, though she always wants you to get what she would get (a chicken nuggets happy meal, chocolate milk, extra cheeseburger, cup of ranch). Benjamin got a car that you shake a rattle at to make it move, which he is going to be really excited about when I can get Gabe to leave it alone.

Another great Christmas--I like hanging out with Sydney and Macy, even if I am a total dork and they know it. Michael got to spend some time playing video games with his brother, and the kids had a great time.

-Andie-

Christmas with the Roberts

2012-01-03T12:11:00.000-08:00

I don't have as many pictures as I would like to remember Wearden Christmas 2011, but I had my hands pretty full juggling three kids and everything, so I can be okay with the pictures I got :) Generally speaking, pictures are especially helpful for remembering what everyone got and funny stories, things of that nature, but I will recollect as best I can and hope that will do!

This year, we had Christmas Day with Michael's family here in Lubbock--we are on an alternating holidays with our families, where one gets Thanksgiving and the other gets Christmas, and the next year it switches. Now that my parents have moved four hours closer to us, we may be able to start having less major holidays like Easter and Halloween alternating as well.

The Sunday before Christmas, Ken and Rhonda picked all of us up to go look at Christmas lights. We got McDonalds and drove around town--it was a lot of fun. Rhonda knows all the correct ways different lights are supposed to be hung and it's funny when she gets annoyed when someone hung them all sloppy or mismatched or just plain wrong. Not many neighborhoods were lit up this year; normally you will see whole neighborhoods joining in the Christmas spirit, but fewer and fewer houses are decorating. It is kind of sad, but people are probably trying to save on their electric bill.

This year was the first that we had Christmas lights on our house--Ken came over and hung red and green ones, much to Emerald's delight. Our electric bill scarcely changed for the lights, but that may be because the air conditioner is officially off and that saves just tons.

Tuesday before Christmas, Glo and Pawpaw kept the kids while Michael and I went out to buy their presents. Toys-R-Us is absolutely crazy this time of year--nothing was in the right place because people would pick them up and then drop them wherever they were instead of taking them back, and half the price signs had been removed for one reason or another, so you didn't even know how much anything cost!!

Finally, Christmas Eve we took the kids to Walmart to pick out gifts for one another. Besides the fact that Gabriel tried his very darndest to get naked (and very nearly succeeded--he managed to get down to just his pants!) it was a fairly smooth trip.

Christmas Eve night we had over at Glo and Pawpaw's with Grannymom and DadDad. Uncle Patrick had said that he didn't want the traditional turkey, so Rhonda tried her hand at making some sort of herb-crusted loin (I think--I can't remember what kind of meat it was, except beef), plus mashed potatoes and green bean casserole and strawberry pretzel pie. Rhonda thought it was a big fail, but everyone enjoyed it--I think she is just too hard on herself. Even Emerald ate some. Gabriel didn't, but he sat quietly which is good.

After dinner, we opened presents. Gabriel struggled with that last year, so Grannymom held Benjamin next to me and Ken helped Emerald with her presents so that Michael and I could take turns holding Gabriel and keeping him calm. Besides a rather strong disliking of the sound of tissue paper crinkling, Gabe did quite well I think. He remained fairly uninterested in the actual unwrapping of gifts, but he got a red soccer ball he liked to hold and pat and a bead track he played with quietly for a long time. One gift he got very enthusiastic about was a veggie tales bag full of books, for which he ripped off wrapping paper and jumped up and down clapping his hands, before sitting down and looking at every one of the books.

As far as I can remember, Gabriel got a Ralph Lauren blue polo shirt, a lime green under-armor shirt (that he is mildly obsessed with--he loves the way it feels and hates to take it off), a big bead track, veggie tales books, two long sleeved shirts, a pair of sweats, a pair of cargo pants, a soccer ball, and--coolest of all--a special hammock.

Ken and Rhonda had heard about this from another family member with an autistic son--it is a hammock made of stretchy material that hangs from the ceiling. They crawl inside, and the fabric envelopes him in a comforting hug like sensation that he will find soothing. I am super excited about it--this is the first step to having a sensory corner for him!

Benjamin got a really cute white and green monkey outfit complete with onesie, soft pants, bib, and socks, as well as a hoodie sweatshirt and pair of jeans. He also got a lullaby seahorse like the glowworm we used to have growing up--he spent most of the night just staring at that thing. My favorite is a great big baby bathtub so that I don't have to bathe the little guy in the sink any more; he also got some bath toys including a rubber ducky and some teething rings. and a set of hardback Dr. Seuss books.

Emerald got some adorable new clothes--this white and black outfit with a sweet little belt; two flowery tops and a pair of jean leggings (jeggings), plus a green and brown outfit with giraffe like spots, stripes, and a precious little button. With some of the shirts, she got necklaces, and Emerald LOVES accessories. From Glo and Pawpaw, she got a big horse and a girl that she named Sierra and Ella (respectively), as well as some magnetic dolls and outfits that her and I have a great time dressing up together. The big hit of the night was a polar bear that is bigger than she is that Uncle Patrick picked out for her--she named it Puff. It sort of made me sad that she doesn't call it a "po-mer bear" any more because that was stinking cute, but I know she had to grow up sometime :)

Michael got really nice new shoes for work, a gift card to Gamestop, a shower mirror/radio, and some Old Spice stuff; I got adorable new jeans, fuzzy-boots that make my feet super happy, a black and white striped top with a belt, a roasting pan that thus far has been used to make our voices amplified in the kitchen (lol), measuring spoons and new cooking utensils, and Nivea stuff. :)

It was a really good night, and we all had a lot of fun. We noticed Gabriel was calling Rhonda "Mama", presumably because Michael and Patrick call her Mom, so she is now Mama-Glo!

Sorry if I left anything out--it has been about a week and a half at this point and my memory ain't what she used to be :D

--Andie!--

Emerald-isms: January 3, 2012

2012-01-03T12:04:00.000-08:00

-Has Daddy had ten-hundred (100) birthdays?

-Me: Emerald, did you wipe and close and flush?

Emerald: oh, no--I just closed

:-S

-Glo calls me Em. YOU can call me Emerald.

-Emerald: Mommy, did you hear that toot?

Me: No...

Emerald: Oh, good.

-Emerald: -dead serious- Mom. Reindeers only have one eye.

-My friend is a girl, and she is beautiful. But she is bananas! (Me: Who is your friend?) Oh, just my grandmutter, Oma

-Emerald's Song: I'm a little cricket on the ground, hoping here and all around. But when someone steps on meeeee....and that's why I'm squished dead!

-(very matter-of-factly) Santa doesn't bring anything for mommy and daddy because they on the naughty list.

-The angel Gabriel told Mary, "Greetings! God is with you, cuz you's gonna have a baby!"

-Okay, mama--let's play hide and go seek. You count to ten, and I'll go hide behind that tree.

-Emerald was saying prayer before the Christmas Eve dinner: "...and bless this food to the nourishment of our potties..."

-Emerald wanted to tell me a story: Once upon a time, there were three little kittens who lost their mittens. So mama kitten said, "Find your mittens, or I'll make you into pie."

-Fine! I'm gonna pray to God and HE'LL make you give me my blanket back!

-Emerald: How was your dinner, Daddy?

Michael: My dinner was good; how was yours?

Emerald: Oh, just TERRIBLE!

- (sternly) Mama, if you can't be in a better mood, you can't come to Christmas at Gigi's house!

Pictures from Our Snow Day

2012-01-03T11:57:00.001-08:00

There is really very little to tell about our snow day--it was just a little while out in our backyard and there was scarcely anything there, but I took pictures so I figured they deserved a post :)

Emerald was much more excited than Gabriel--she had asked God in prayer for snow all year long. Gabriel was just happy to be going outside.

Emerald attempted to make a snowman and then a snow angel, but like I said, there really wasn't enough snow to be doing anything with.

All bundled to the teeth before we went out. Gabriel refused to wear gloves, and the hat came off the moment I wasn't paying the strictest attention.

Gabriel's little hands got quite cold, which is what necessitated us going back inside. He just wanted to swing, but holding on to that metal bar was probably pretty miserable.

Pictures from 12 Days of Christmas

2011-12-23T13:44:00.000-08:00

The kids enjoying their tri-popcorn snack and watching "Dreamworks Christmas Special"

Me and the kids--I wore the apron Emerald made for me for mother's day. Ben just enjoyed dancing around the kitchen

Gabriel playing with the flour

Benjamin slept almost the whole time we were making cookies

Stirring the batter, then rolling out the dough

Gabe, after making his flour angel. He really enjoyed swiping raw cookie dough!

The 12 Days of Christmas

2011-12-23T09:13:00.000-08:00

We had been having a bit of a rough month. The kids' daycare (parents day out program) asked us to withdraw the children and find them alternative care. I was hurt and angry--Emerald has some behavioral issues, but I didn't think they were as bad as all of that; but with Gabriel it felt like it came out of nowhere. They had been telling us he had been doing well in class and enjoyed going, but then we had a meeting with the directors that said their program was not equipped to handle a child with a disability like Gabriel.

On the 13th, we took Gabe to see the developmental pediatrician Dr. Karen Rogers, who reaffirmed the diagnosis of Autism, adding the stipulation that because of his complete lack of communication despite a year in therapy that he is on the severe end of the spectrum. Granted, it doesn't look like he is mentally retarded--he is in fact quite intelligent--but socially he is...unmotivated, uninterested, and a bit stifled.

Of course, this should have hardly come as a shock. But you get used to people acting with skepticism when you tell them about Gabe, and despite yourself...you start believing them. The emotional part of you starts listening just a little, and you start to hope. It was a mistake--I realize that. I should have clung to that rational part of me, or it wouldn't have been so hard to hear a second time. But sometimes you don't have much control over that.

So, there we were--just a few weeks away from Christmas, and the mood in the house was far from festive.

That's when Santa's Christmas Elves began leaving presents on our front porch every morning. :)

We don't know who our secret friends are, but having something to look forward to every day has done wonders for our optimism, our attitudes, and our stress.

(I may have a few of these out of order--I wrote it down and then lost the list; I do remember everything we got, just not the order!)

1. The first day, we got snowman mugs, hot cocoa mix, and stuff to make s'mores. We decided to save the s'mores for Christmas Eve when Michael would be home; but the kids loved the cocoa, and I have loved having a friendly little snowman smiling at me from my coffee mug every morning :)

2. The second day, we got a tin of three types of popcorn--white cheddar, cheese, and caramel. My favorite is the caramel (what can I say: I have a sweet tooth!), and Emerald and Gabriel have loved having this little snack to eat while laying in bed on cold days and watching movies.

3. The third day was Christmas stuff for my kitchen: red white white snowflakes, we got a floor mat, pot holder, oven mitt, towel, and table cloth. Now the kitchen was decked with holiday cheer!

4. +\-he fourth day was cookies--a LOT of cookies :D We got stuff to make 15 dozen sugar cookies, plus cookie cutters shaped like a bow, a Christmas tree, and a gingerbread man.

Emerald was very helpful--she cleaned off tables and helped me clean the kitchen before starting on the cookies. Gabe stirred the dough a little, but Emerald did most of the hard work--rolling it out, cutting out the shapes, decorating. Gabriel's biggest contribution was tossing the bag of flour on the floor to make flour angels then tracking the powder through out the house, all over the carpet, and on my furniture.

The whole project took two full hours, most of which Ben slept through and listened to Christmas music as he played with his toys. The end result were not particularly works of art, but they were tasty enough. We are planning on making more today or tomorrow to leave out for Santa Claus when he comes.

5. The fifth day was Snowman candle holders; a whole family with a father, a mother, and a baby. Gabriel ate most of two candles while I wasn't looking, so we had to put them away and leave the snowmen out. Luckily they were just white candles without scent or coloring, so Gabe should be no worse for wear after his waxy culinary adventure :-/

6. For the sixth day, we got chocolate covered pretzels. Those are going to be my downfall, because I just cannot quit snacking on them. Both Emerald and Gabriel enjoy them a great deal as well.

7. We were expecting a winter snow that night, so at the end of the sixth day a rather tall elf brought the seventh gift early :) In it were gift cards to Burlington Coat Factory, coloring books and crayons for Emerald and Gabriel, and a Rudolph stuffed animal for Benjamin. Ben loves his new reindeer toy, as it makes for good chewing.

8. On the eighth day, we got a pretty green and blue tin full of shortbread cookies. Momma may have hidden those cookies in her room so that the kids wouldn't eat them all!!

9. For the ninth present, we got a gift card to Domino's and a stuff to make our own ornaments. Gabriel liked to smash our shatterproof Christmas ornaments, so we had to strip our tree bare of everything but the angel Emerald made for the top and the lights. It was looking rather forlorn, and Emerald was heartbroken thinking that it was going to die. These ornaments were absolutely Gabe-proof, so together before breakfast we made snowman, snowflake, Christmas tree, and stocking ornaments to decorate with. After a long morning of making ornaments, we ordered a big pepperoni pizza (Emerald's favorite!) for lunch.

10. Today was the tenth day, and we got this water-less snowglobe...on the inside are penguins mailing letters to Santa; you push a button on the front, and it lights up inside and blows "snow" all over while it plays any one of many Christmas songs.

The good news is that all three kids adore this--they haven't left it alone for more than 15 minutes all day long, and they are sharing with one another surprisingly well.

The bad news is that for the last 7 hours or so, I have had non-stop Christmas music literally following me around like my own holiday theme music, which can get a little grating, lol.

Two days until Christmas! Whoever the "elves" are--Thank you, from all of us. You have really brightened our holiday season!

--Andie--

Thanksgiving

2011-11-29T09:01:00.000-08:00

Okay, right off the bat I need to apologize for the lack of pictures. I did an embarrassingly poor job of packing for this trip, and one of the many, many things that got left behind was my camera. I didn't even get a picture of Gabriel. And granted, I had my phone to take pictures with which is why I have the few that I do have, but it is not the fastest method in the world and I had my hands full as it was.

So! Now that we've gotten that out of the way, here is our thanksgiving!

This year, we have Thanksgiving in Ponder at Gigi and Papa's house. Michael asked off for this time a month ago so we were certainly going to make it, which was exciting for me. It has been a long time since I have gotten to see most of them because the children and I do not travel well, what with me being pregnant most of the time and the kids being relatively teeny still.

We were hoping to leave Wednesday after Mike worked a half day, but his coworker lost a niece in a fire, so Michael agreed to work late Wednesday before Thanksgiving so that coworker could go to the funeral. When Michael got home at 7, I was supposed to have everything packed and ready to be loaded into the car first thing in the morning because we wanted to hit the road early. Suffice to say, I did not. Normally, I am relatively good at packing for travels. Perhaps a tad over-prepared, but on time and efficient. I don't know what happened this time. Michael comes home, and I have all the laundry washed, but I cannot figure out what to pack.

We kind of toss some bags together, thinking that we will leave Thursday morning and come back Friday--we wanted it to be a longer trip, but it didn't look like we would be able to work it out that way. We figure that what we have will probably suffice, and worse comes to worse we can buy anything else we need while we're there.

Glo and Pawpaw come and see us Wednesday night so they can say goodbye before we leave and give us a card. Our fourth anniversary was on Thanksgiving day this year, so for the most part we would be riding in the car. On the ride down, we actually recalled the trip back from Lubbock after we got married--it was snowing hard and very dark, so we were having trouble reading the road signs, and a trip that should have taken five or six hours took nearly twice that.

Thursday morning, we load up the car with kiddos in warm, fuzzy pajamas with toasty blankets and hit the road by 6.15. It is about a six hour drive, all things said and done, so we expect to get there right before the 1pm lunch. Emerald, Gabriel, and Benjamin, as usual, were very well behaved. They do car rides very well. The night before, we had run to the store and got a new $5 DVD of Pocoyo for if they got too bored. The whole thing went remarkably smoothly--we stopped a few times to go potty and get food or drinks, but we still arrived on time.

Before Michael had even fully stopped the van, the door slid open and I was mauled by my sister, who missed me a great deal. I missed her a ton too--she is one of my bestest friends. Everyone in my family met us as we were getting out of the van, but most of them had yet to meet Mr. Ben Reilly. They all expected little tiny baby, but that has never quite described Benjafriend, lol.

Gabriel did pretty well, all things considered. He only had a few real meltdowns, and only one bad one--a little while after we had gotten there he got overwhelmed and started sobbing, so Amber and I took him outside to sit in the van and have a fruit snack snack.

I love Thanksgiving food--Uncle Robbie fried a turkey and Granny baked one; there was ham and baked squash, stuffing, mashed potatoes, green salad, broccoli rice, asparagus, green beans, rolls, two types of cranberry sauce, and gravy; plus dessert of pecan pie and sugar-free pumpkin pie, lemon bars, and lots more. If it weren't so much work to prepare and about a billion calories, I would want Thanksgiving dinner every month.

After lunch, we went upstairs to try and take a nap, but because the kids had slept on and off all morning they were not terribly interested in resting. When we got up, we took the kids outside because Papa was saddling up the horses.

Emerald loved riding on Fancy--Papa led her around for a bit, and then she rode on Murray with Justin. My cousins Justin and Tyler have goats and live next door to Granny and Papa, so we took the kids to see them. There is one that was bottle-fed because his mother died, so when you try and pet him he nips at your fingers which Emerald thought was hilarious.

There was this one big billy goat that was super chunky. Unneutered male goats will sometimes pee on their own beards or faces for whatever reason--maybe to attract female goats or something--but they smell just absolutely wretched and if you pet them, you will reek too. This fella, Rutger I think they named him, was jealous that all the mama and baby goats were getting all the attention so he would stand on his hind legs with his front hooves on the fence trying to get us to come over and pet him. It was really funny because he was this enormous goat, but he has a soft, high bleet that made me giggle.

For dinner, we had leftover Thanksgiving. Gabriel was spinning in a swivel chair in the computer room and got a little dizzy, ended up puking banana all over himself, including his weighted vest from ECI. We had to run laundry that night, and Gabriel took a bath so he wouldn't stink. When he got out, I dressed him in his warm jammies and fed him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich; just as soon as he had taken the last bite, Gabe leaned his head back and fell asleep right there at the dinner table.

I went ahead and took all the kids upstairs to lay down, but after about a half an hour, Gabriel woke up and started crying and would not stop until the wee hours of the morning. You see, one of the many things that Mama forgot was a pacifier for Mr. Gabe, which meant that he was having difficulty soothing himself. Michael ran to the store and bought some, but Gabriel was so worn out and stressed from his long day that he couldn't comfort himself, even after he got the paci.

My family was encouraging us to stay a bit longer, so Michael and I discussed it and decided to try and stay one extra day to get more time with everybody.

In my family, we tend to get up pretty early. Though we had been up most of the night with Gabriel, we still got up at about 7 and were some of the last up. Julia and Mom wanted to go out shopping for the Black Friday sales, so Emerald and I tagged along. Gabriel stayed with Michael, and Benjamin spent the morning with Gigi.

Gabriel and Michael went with Grandpop to Cabela's, a really neat store that has a big fish pond and all these animals about to look at, plus samples of homemade fudge, and outdoorsy stuff. Michael said Gaby really liked the fish the best, and it was nice that him and Daddy got to do something fun just the two of them.

Aunt Julia, Oma, Emerald, Andrew, and I loaded up in the van and went to Justin Boot Store, hoping to find a great deal on baby boots. We didn't find any with great enough prices, so we left there and went into Denton to Famous Footwear. Their clearance shoes were all about $30! I know I am cheap, but at this age, the kids generally wear shoes maybe a handful of times before they outgrow them so sturdy but inexpensive tends to be key. Sears is actually a really great place to get kids shoes because if they wear out before the child outgrows them, Sears replaces them for free. Pretty sweet deal.

We walked down to Old Navy--it was pretty hectic in there. Emerald was struggling to behave and had to be put in the umbrella stroller. Children's Place was a lot quieter and had some really great deals, but I didn't find anything I liked enough to buy. The last place was Mardel's and that was the only store I really struggled in not to buy everything! They had a Veggie Tales DVD special that select titles were only $3, and they had all this Veggie Tales stuff that I just knew Gabriel would love: a Bible illustrated with the characters, books, stuffed animals, puppets, a Pirate ship, umbrella, rain boots, and so so much more. Gabriel hasn't been as interested in Veggie Tales in the past couple of weeks, but I went ahead and got him and Benjamin a DVD each for Christmas anyway.

For lunch, we went to Carl's Jr. I heard that everyone loves there, and maybe my downfall was getting chicken strips instead of a burger, but I was not that blown away. I didn't want to deal with the pomp and circumstance that revolves around me ordering a burger, so I copped out. The chicken strips were good, but nothing to get too excited about--I prefer spicier chicken.

Back at Granny's, we lay down again for nap and rested for a little bit. When we got up, Aunt Cindy and Mom volunteered to keep an eye on the kids so that Michael and I could go out for dinner for our anniversary.

Because of all the recent travelling, we didn't have a ton of extra money to spend, so we ended up at Taco Casa, Michael laughing the entire time about how classy it was to go to a fast food Mexican restaurant for your anniversary. The employee that brought us our food couldn't have been older than 12. Wal-Mart was right next door, so we walked around there for a while and talked about Christmas; got some ideas about what we wanted to do for the kids. I took pictures of things that interested me so that I can kind of get it in my head what sort of things we would like to do before we buy anything. It sounds cheesy, but it was actually quite lovely--Michael and I had not been able to go out since my birthday in June because of the pregnancy and then I don't relinquish new baby very well, so it was wonderful to not have to worry for a few hours and to talk without getting interrupted and to enjoy one another's company.

Saturday morning we got up and had breakfast before loading up the car and getting on the road about 9. I don't regret staying the extra day, but the wind was blowing us so hard all the way home that I wish we had left Friday or Sunday. It felt like we were getting pushed off the road the entire way. Mom and Butters rode with us back to Abilene; Butters had terrible dog farts that made the whole car stink, lol. For the most part, that trip too was uneventful disregarding the wind. We got home worn out around 4. Ken and Rhonda wanted to take the kids for a couple of hours that night, so Michael and I got our second "date"--this time we were too worn out to go anywhere, so I made us a good dinner at home. It was really nice to have some peace and quiet, we were both so worn out.

All in all, great trip, great family, great Thanksgiving :) I wish that we could do it more, if there wasn't a six hour car ride involved both ways--blech!

--Andie--

Emerald Quotes

2011-11-29T08:36:00.000-08:00

Another edition of Emerald-isms!

* (when I am putting in a video game to play) "Fallout New Vegas? I LOVE that game! I love it better than 'splosion man or Mrs. 'splosion man, or firefighter man, or batman...I mean, not batman--batman is my favorite"

* Emerald didn't like me kissing on Benjamin, saying "Mama! Don't. Eat. My. Ben!"

A little while later, Ben was chewing on my nose, and I called for Emerald to help me. She said, "Ben very hungry. He can eat your nose, maybe."

* On the way to Gigi and Papa's for Thanksgiving, we were all talking about things we were thankful for. Emerald says, "I'm thankful for Dad-Dad!"

* As she was falling asleep Friday night after thanksgiving, Emerald asks, "Can we never leave Gigi's house?"

* "I do NOT have red hair! I have brown hair and red eyes!"

* I was playing with the kids, pretending I was a troll that was going to eat them. Emerald yells, "No, mama! You can't eat kids! If you eat me, I will give you a tummy ache and make you throw up!"

* "No mama! Please don't put on that show! It's scary! It gives me bad dreams" --about Glee.

* Emerald was showing me some bruises she had on her knees after school one day. I asked where she got them, and she casually says, "Oh, probably from the alligator that bit me".

* Gabriel was in trouble for jumping on the bed when he was supposed to be going to sleep. As I was getting on to him, Emerald interjects with, "mama, you be nice to my friend!".

* When asked what she wants Santa to bring her, she says "Oh, just presents". I prompt her to be more specific and she says, "how about....breakfast?" (kid is going to be easy to please on Christmas, lol)

--Andie--

This Past Week

2011-11-21T15:36:00.000-08:00

We have had a lot of fun since the last post. The greatest motivation for that is because of how antsy I've been feeling--I'm getting a little burned out on everything lately, so I throw that much more effort into having good days with the kids at home. On a particularly bad day, Gabriel, Emerald, and I spent nearly an hour crafting a play-dough family (*pictured above), though Emerald was quite adamant that play-dough Benjamin looked more like a turtle.

New things with baby Benjamin: he smiles, he giggles, he chuckles, he coos. He can hold up his head really great, hardly wobbly at all, and now is rolling over :) He can only do it a few times, trying to get from place to place or get closer to me when he is nearby, but the ease with which he picked it up is so awesome to me :)

Last Saturday, Glo took Emerald to have breakfast with Santa. Emerald wore her brand new pajamas, and her necklace and bracelet with jingle-y bells. While she was gone, Gaby and I made chocolate chip waffles and hot cocoa for breakfast and watched Toy Story 2, then he helped me bathe Benji before Gabe took an extra long bath himself.

When Emerald got home, she was super excited about the pink piggie the balloon man had made for her. It was very cute, until she undid the legs, making it a pig face on a long balloon sword which she used to whomp and wallop her brothers, or else to poke it into our faces. It got pretty annoying and I threatened to pop it more than once, lol. It made me remember when I was growing up and mom and dad would always threaten to let our balloons loose out the window of the car because my siblings and I kept playing with them. I can't remember that they ever actually followed through with the threat, but I can imagine now how annoyed they must have been!

Besides the balloon, Emerald had a chicken biscuit, she told me, and saw Santa Claus and a snowman. She colored some pictures too; she seemed to have a very nice time. Gaby enjoyed his time at home with momma, but he was quite jealous of Emerald.

One of the most time consuming of all our activities was taking down all the fall decorations, cleaning the house, and then bringing in all of the Christmas decorations in from the garage and putting them up. We put on Christmas music and movies, and hung ornaments--this year, we opted to go for the "shatterproof ornament" balls instead of the treasured ornaments that Gabriel would have much an easier time destroying for good. As it is, he doesn't like the change in the house and keeps trying to take everything down, but for all I know, he is just part of the camp that thinks that Christmas decorations shouldn't be put up till after Thanksgiving, lol.

Emerald of course was the most helpful. She really loved singing and hanging everything up. She helped me cut pictures out of a toys-r-us catalog to make a collage letter to send to Santa Claus. Then I drew Christmas trees for all of us and we decorated them--I had gotten these crayons that you wear on the tips of your fingers and Gabriel thinks that is just the neatest thing ever because they are easier for him to hold. He doesn't even try to eat them! Emerald liked cutting shapes out of construction paper and gluing them on her Christmas tree as ornaments and lights.

If you're noticing that jail in the corner there, I assure you--it is not a baby containment area. Well, not in the punishment sense of the word at least. Both of the kids like having a place where they are contained and "alone", so I used this little gate to make their corner. Only one is allowed in at a time, it is full of balloons. They both enjoy just sitting back there and playing quietly until they are ready to rejoin the family.

On occasion, we have lovely fall days that are ideal for outside time. I wish that we could spend the whole day just playing in the backyard--picnic lunches, scavenger hunts, finger painting, swinging, basketball, races....unfortunately, Emerald usually relaxes just enough right after we are outside that within five minutes, without fail every single time we have gone outside, she tries to hide and have an accident. She really is making progress, which is encouraging, but this is a point of struggle for her, even if she sits on the potty or goes right before we go outside. It would be fine except that when she does that, I have to drag her back inside to go potty (which she never does) and the boys have to come back in even though neither of them want to. They sob and fight me and get angry, which makes me hurt for them--they didn't do anything wrong; nobody did. They aren't being punished. But Gabriel has trouble seeing it that way.

But inside has lots of things to do. Like I said, we have lots of crafts--one of my favorite things to do is to give play-dough to each of us so that we can all make something different; then Emerald and I make up a story up using all the different elements that everyone contributed. Gabriel is usually not very interested, but he likes feeling the play-dough. Up there, I made a kitty/dog that has a horn, lol. Emerald told me very plainly that it was absurd, took the horn off, and made the story about a dog.

Going through the kids' memory trunk, I stumbled across a bear sleeper pajamas for a little baby. I had bought it for Gabriel as his take-home outfit from the hospital because Emerald wore a long-sleeved pink striped onesie with a teddy bear on the front when she came home from the hospital, so I wanted them to have that to share. Of course, I completely forgot about that when Ben came home from the hospital as a Benji-bunny, but believe it or not, those fuzzy-wuzzy jammies were too hot for Gabe to wear when he came home in February. He ended up wearing a yellow and white striped onesie.

Anyways, it was crazy cute, so I dressed Ben up as a teddy bear. Then a thought occurred to me:

Emerald had missed her Halloween party at school. I had been meaning to do something to make up for it, but it had slipped my mind. So I pulled out Emerald's Rosetta costume from last year that was in the trunk too and we threw a party!

Gabriel resisted all attempts to dress up--he just wanted to be himself, I guess. Emerald hammed it up though--wand and costume, make up, headband, tons of jewelry....we got out the candy left over from trick-or-treating and ate some before dinner (the madness!). Then we blew up some balloons for our party, blew bubbles, and watched Halloween shows on Netflix. After they were done with their candy, they came into the kitchen and helped me cook while we listened to a documentary on American colleges. Okay, so I am a kind of boring :)

One last thing, I swear--then I'll shut up!

Tammy lent me some books about ASD, and we have been reading them together. The one I am on right now is "10 Things Every Child with Autism Wishes You Knew" by Ellen Notbohm. Soon, I plan on finishing it and writing a bit about it so that Michael can get my impressions and so I can remember the highlights for future reference; as of now, I read it aloud to them although none of them can understand a word of it, but hearing it helps me remember and they like the sound of my voice. So hopefully you can look forward to that soon!!

Sounds like my chicken and rice is ready to come out of the oven--goodbye for tonight!

--Andie!--

More Pictures from Ruidoso

2011-11-18T09:49:00.000-08:00

Ben and Grannymom got a lot of time to bond

All ready holding his head up, strong boy

Emerald in her pretty new coat with Pawpaw; Gabriel walking with his walking stick with Glo

One of the sensory items we brought for Gabe--his weighted vest. It helps with his "proprioceptive" senses; we also brought his brush, his "P", and his butt bucket.

Bubble bath :)

Ben was so fat and happy all weekend

Gabe in the shower

Emerald playing on Glo's iPad--she had coloring apps, puzzles, and games.

Gabe in his new pajamas playing football

Trip to Ruidoso

2011-11-18T08:30:00.000-08:00

Grannymom and Daddad have been married for 50 years this month, so we had a little vacation up in the mountains with them to celebrate!

Ruidosa is a beautiful place, and we were all very excited to be going. Michael got two days off so that he could go to, and he was looking forward to getting away for the weekend, especially in the mountains as he misses living in Denver.

Friday marked the day that "Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim" came out. Michael knew how much I was looking forward to this game since it was announced, so he surprised me with it as a gift and packed the xbox for the trip so that I could play it while we were away :)

All of Thursday, I did laundry and packed bags, cleaned the house, and generally got everything ready to go. The Peacocks agreed to keep an eye on the pets for us while we were gone, which I greatly appreciated. Emerald kept talking about how she was going to go to the snowy mountains, not to the hot mountains, and how she was going to see deer and build a snowman...the only one more excited than she was was Michael, who just could not wait for the work day to end.

I know I am a lucky mama--my kids are wonderful on long car rides. They don't cry or fight, they're easily entertained with just staring out the windows and watching the scenery change; we scarcely have to stop, even for restroom breaks. For the most part, they are well-behaved and agreeable little kiddos.

Grannymom and Daddad--Michael's grandparents--met us at our house so that we could follow them up. We have a GPS navigation system for the van, but it is good to go in groups just in case something happens. Mike wanted to leave earlier than we did, but I didn't want to get out of bed at the crack of dawn so we got on the road about 9.

Stopping at McDonalds on the way out of town, I made the mistake of getting a peppermint mocha. It tasted just fine, but they made us park and wait 2o minutes before they brought it out to us--pretty ridiculous. I can't imagine how on earth it would have taken nearly a half an hour to prepare a single beverage, but as they continued serving everyone that was behind me, I could venture a guess.

On the way up, Michael and I mostly talked--as anyone that knows me can attest, I am definitely a talkative person. The chill of the early morning reminded us of morning marching practice when we were in the high school band (Michael played tuba; I was a trombone), and we talked books and comics and movies, while the kids ate their pancakes and drank their juice and watched Lubbock disappear in the rear view mirror. Ben mostly played peek-a-boo with me and smiled and flirted with his reflection in a toy mirror attached to his car seat.

When the flat plains gave way to the mountains, Emerald perked up and started chattering away as well. She was surprised that the mountains were covered in trees instead of snow, and would tell us stories about how the mountains grew sick and their mommy made them better, even though she had made them sick in the first place. Don't know how flatteringly that reflects on me, but it was quite creative, lol.

We stopped only once--in Roswell, we got out so that Emerald could use the restroom and Gabriel could stretch his legs, and we could change Ben. Mike got them a hot dog to split and we made a bottle for Benjamin, and kept on our way.

All in all, the drive up was easy and pleasantly passed. The only complaint I would have regarding that would be the precarious and narrow road that hugs the mountain on one side and boasts no guardrail on the sheer drop of the other side. That part I would consider a bit more harrowing than anything else, but of course we are fin--I am just a nervous nelly.

Rhonda, Ken, and Patrick had left much earlier than we did so that they could get the house ready; so when we arrived, Rhonda showed us around while Ken went and got pizza for lunch.

The house was simply amazing.

It was huge, with tons of windows that looked out at the beautiful dark blue mountains. When you walked in, there was a large dining room with a long wooden table to seat 8-10 on your left. In front of you was a living room with leather recliners and couch, a high round table, and a fireplace; to your right is a door leading to a deck-balcony with a huge grill, and a staircase that leads downstairs (to one beautiful bedroom), then further downstairs to another living room, bedroom, and laundry room.

The kitchen was probably my favorite room in the house--it was enormous, and (thanks to Rhonda) full of wonderful things to eat and drink.

They gave my little family the master bedroom, which was incredible. There was a glass door leading outside; we set up an inflatable mattress for Emerald and Gabriel to share in the corner, and a bassinet for Benjamin to sleep in next to the bed. The bathroom had a great big jacuzzi tub that Emerald thought was a swimming pool, and a shower with a built in bench and three showerheads. I have never stayed in such a nice room before.

After the tour of the house, we had pizza for lunch and hung out all afternoon. At one point, I tried to lay the kids down for a nap, but they would have none of it, so I let them lay down and watch a movie instead. Their favorite part was taking walks though--the weather was cool and beautiful. Gabriel found a walking stick, and it was cute to watch him toddle along, using his little stick for support. Of course, when Emerald saw that Gabriel had one, she wanted one as well. Michael, Ken, and Patrick went to a casino to hang out and have some guy time; Mike seemed to have such a great time.

Steve and Melisa, and their daughters Sydney and Macy (Mike's uncle, aunt, and cousins) had a basketball game, so they didn't come until late--after the kids and I had all ready gone to bed. For dinner, Rhonda made brisket and beans, potato salad, and rolls.

I love food. Though I am a relatively picky eater, I do very much enjoy food. That is why I am usually able to recall what we ate with more ease than what activities we did. But while the fare was awesome this time, that is not why it sticks out so vividly in my memory. I had worried that Gabriel would have trouble with the new place and so many people and more noise--he struggles with those kinds of situations normally. In Ruidoso, Gabriel's attitude and behavior were better than expected, and he handled them quite well; the only issue we had was that our usually agreeable eater became notably uninterested in eating. Oh, he was hungry, and we did feed him; but meal times were the only points of struggle for Mr. Gabe on this particular trip. Which is probably why I remember all our meals so well.

Anyways, at dinner Gabe was dragging so badly that halfway through I had to abandon my meal to take him to bed. Poor thing was exhausted, though it was only 6.30. We all ended up retiring early.

Saturday morning, I got up at Benjamin's first meal, at about 6, and we headed out in the main house around 6.30. Rhonda was making breakfast--a bacon quiche, biscuits and sausage gravy, and scrambled eggs. That was a lot of fun, helping her cook; I learned how to make quiche! I was hoping the kids would eat it a bit better so that I could introduce it into our meal rotation at home, but Gabriel showed no interest in eating when he got up and Emerald mostly picked at everything. Luckily, I got Gabe to eat a peanut butter granola bar.

I had told Emerald she could go "swimming" after breakfast, so we filled up the bathtub for her and Gabriel. Not thinking, I put some lavender bubble bath in it, which would have been fine until we turned on the jets--the churning water multiplied the bubbles until there were more suds than water in the bathtub. The kids of course loved it, especially since they got to sit in the shower and rinse off afterwards. I think Gabe liked the shower even more than the bath--Mike got soaked trying to keep Gaby from jumping up and down so he wouldn't fall and hurt himself!

Since we had all gone to bed so early, my little family hadn't gotten to see Steve and Melisa or the girls yet, so Emerald was thrilled to see them. Mostly, Emerald wanted to just play on Glo's iPad, which sort of stinks that I dragged all these toys all the way here and all the kids had better things to do, but meh. Rather be over-prepared than wish I had done more to pack.

Everyone wanted to go into town and walk around, but by mid-morning I was dead on my feet from the trip the day before and getting up so early (plus a night with a 2 month old baby), so when Ben went down for a nap, I tried to lay down as well. I didn't get to sleep because I just couldn't settle myself before Benji got back up, but it was nice to rest. Michael took the xbox to Patrick's room over the garage and they played video games together.

For lunch, we made the leftover brisket into sandwiches and I warmed up pizza and sliced some apples for the kids. Gabe actually ate a slice of pizza, plus some trail mix with dried fruits and nuts.

After nap, where Emerald and Gabriel slept most of the afternoon away, Michael mentioned that he had seen a ping-pong table outside, so Steve and Ken and Patrick went outside to play; Rhonda brought out some cards and she, Sydney, Michael, and I played some card games. Sydney taught us "Egyptian Rat Slap" (a more appropriate name than the traditional Egyptian Rat Screw), which she beat us all every time. After a few hands of that, Ken came inside and taught me how to play Spades--me and him on a team against Rhonda and Sydney. It was a lot of fun, but I suspect that I am quite lousy.

I found myself actually wishing I had brought dominos--I am more used to playing chickens foot (if not cribbage). I think that could have been a lot of fun.

Steve and Melisa made dinner--steaks, twice baked potatoes, green beans, and rolls; the day before, Rhonda had made a German Chocolate Cake from scratch, and it was iced and ready to go for dessert for Grannymom and Daddad's anniversary. After cake, I took the kids to bed and let them watch Finding Nemo until the fell asleep.

Sunday morning was our last at the beautiful house in the mountains. Melisa made breakfast burritos which were yummy. I packed while Michael watched the kids, then we switched so that he could load the car. We held a little church, where Daddad spoke and we took communion, said prayers for safe travels. Then we got on the road.

All in all, it was a perfect little vacation. We relaxed and enjoyed one another's company--I spent most of my time talking to people. The only problem we had was Emerald's struggles with using the potty. She would much rather hide, and when there are people that could hear her and come save her from evil mommy, she screams and cries as loudly as she can "someone please help me!". I felt awful, her screaming like I was hurting her. She never did manage to poop.

Happy 50th Anniversary to Grannymom and Daddad :)

--Andie

November

2011-11-06T13:03:00.000-08:00

Benjamin is growing up so fast!! At two months now, he is more alert and awake than either of his siblings at that age, his precious little cheeks are plumping up, and he is wearing 3-6 month clothes all ready. Just as when he was a fetus, he is quite active, and very strong--I would be more upset about getting pummeled by his tiny fists and kicked by his flailing legs if I weren't so proud. And he works hard to lift that big ol' head up.

Developmentally, he is doing very well. He can hold his head up for several long seconds; he grins and giggles whenever Michael or I play with him; and he babbles and coos at anyone that will listen. Lately he has been trying to focus his eyes better on things that are in his line of sight. The only downside for the little fella is that the formula he is on upsets his tummy horribly. For the most part, he is still a very happy baby, but occasionally he gets fussy and cranky. I can't fault him for that; I am not a happy camper when my tummy hurts either.

We had an appointment with Tammy (the LPC from ECI--lot of acronyms!!) the other day and she is very encouraged with Gabriel's progress. He is starting to acknowledge Emerald and trying to engage her and us in what he is doing. Granted, he is not always the most graceful about it--it is not uncommon to see him perched on Benjamin's lap in the baby swing, or (as in the picture above) squatting on Emerald as she lays on the floor; but when he realizes that he may have done the wrong thing, he is quick to try and make amends. Several times, I have caught him when he thought I wasn't looking stroking Benji's hair or offering his baby brother a pacifier.

Most people would see Gabriel and assume that he does not want to play with other children/people. I admit, I can see where they get that impression--he won't sit still to hear books read, he abandons toys if another kid shows too much interest in it, he runs from interaction and never initiates play himself. But those that know him better see that he just doesn't know what he is supposed to do to get them to play with him. I mean, it's not like he can verbally extend an invitation, and most cannot interpret his invented signs.

So right now, that is one of our biggest goals--teaching him how to approach a peer and share a game with them as well as how to leave the interaction politely when he is done. Thus far, we have gotten him to greet visitors at the door; if he knows them, he will occasionally offer a hug or touch their hand as a form of acknowledgement. When it is time for them to leave, he will walk with them to the door, blow them kisses, and see them off.

As the days get cooler, it is harder for me to orchestrate time outside. Ben Reilly is a cold-natured baby, so he has a much harder time keeping warm. That's part of the reason he is scarcely happy unless someone is holding him; you can see his little lips trembling and his tiny hands and feet are freezing.

At any rate, we have found ourselves inside more often than not in the last few weeks, and anyone that knows Gabriel knows that he needs a great deal of sensory stimulation; being cooped up so long drives him stir-crazy. I have had to get a little creative to burn out that excess in Gabe.

I noticed that Gabriel was a big fan of jumping off the crafts table, but I worried that he would hurt himself. So I used cushions and blankets to make a soft landing, and we took turns tumbling and leaping off onto the pallet. Besides that, we also have races and play tag, wrestle on the couch, and tumble and roll in our own invented version of gymnastics.

Finally, crafts!! The more time-consuming, the better because it keeps the children's minds off their cabin fever. We made that gingerbread house up there, which took most of the morning. I also have a lot of activities to prepare Emerald for school; construction paper for a variety of simple projects; and a couple of board games that hold their interest.

Something we have all enjoyed--over the years, I have collected the many mementos that I just couldn't bear to part with: things they did at school, bracelets from the hospital when they were born...anything that reminds me of this time, when they were my babies. Recently, we have taken all those things out and preserved them in scrapbooks. Emerald cannot believe the little girl in those pictures is her; she, in fact, has invented a story about the baby "Hannah" that we have so many photographs of. Gabriel particularly enjoys seeing how his hand compares to the prints he made when he was younger, and to add stickers to the finished pages.

That is what we are doing to keep our spirits up as the temperature drops!

--Andie--

Emerald-isms

2011-11-06T12:33:00.000-08:00

It's that time again--looking back on all the funny/sweet/awkward things spouting from the mouth of my little girl.

Emerald was taking a bath one day. She asks "Mom, it's okay to pee-pee in the bathtub, right?". I reply, "No baby; pee-pee goes in the potty." "Oh." There is a weighted pause before Emerald asks, "Mommy? Can I have some new water please?"

"It's okay if you yell at me, Mommy--that just means you love me."

"Mary had a little lamb, and the police were white as Glo!"

Emerald and I made up a song that made her laugh so hard that she couldn't breathe called "peanut butter bunny pants".

Emerald's friend Ella came down from Colorado with her parents, and they were playing together and having a lot of fun. When it was time to go, Emerald hugged Ella to her and said, "No! We can't go! I love her!"

Emerald, very indignantly when I told her she was a smart girl, "I NOT smart! I pretty! I am a pretty, pretty girl!!" I explain that she was many things--pretty, smart, funny...she smiles and says, "No, I just pretty".

One day we were talking about bacteria, and I explained to Emerald that her Oma worked with bacteria for a living. Emerald looked horrified and said, "No!! We don't play with nasty, ugly germs! They will make us sick! Oma, that gross!"

In an attempt to compliment me, Emerald declares, "You not little momma! You really, really big!!" -beams-

I was sitting on the floor and must have looked awfully forlorn, for Emerald smiles hugely, saying "Don't be sad, Momma! You got me!"

--Andie--

Pictures

2011-11-05T10:51:00.001-07:00

You know what I hate about being a parent? How much of my day revolves around other people's bowel movements. Nobody ever told me about that. If you had told me that I would talk about poop this much--little less on a blog for the whole world to read about--I would have been appalled.

This all has a point, I promise.

So, Rhonda and Ken volunteer to have the kids pictures taken. This is a very generous gift--the amount of stress involved in wrangling my sweet babies is considerable, so offering to help capture this time in their lives is incredibly nice.

Glo has great taste--she is just a fashionable lady. Now me? I wear sweatpants year round (which Michael informed me is apparently inappropriate in the summer--who knew?) and concern myself more with comfort than looking good. So I always appreciate it when Rhonda helps me figure out coordinating outfits for events like this. She picked out absolutely precious clothes in a red, white, and black palette that looked very nice on the kids =)

Gabriel obviously was going to be our biggest obstacle. He's a mover--we can't get him to sit still for anything. At school, he is restrained with a seat belt on his chair; at home, he wears a weighted vest that helps his proprioceptive senses (what tells you where you are in relation to yourself and to your surroundings so that you use appropriate and proportional movements). Unfortunately, neither of those are options here, so I had to get creative.

The photography studio also called to confirm that my appointment was Wednesday at 4.30. Ummm...no? It is Tuesday--Tuesday, as I have stated about four billion times, is the day that Michael only works until 11. Granted, I could have made a mistake when making the appointment and accidentally told them Wednesday, but I am judging by the fact that I set up all the families appointments and we have had probably greater than 50 in the last year (as well as the fact that I made the girl booking the appointment verbally verify three times that it was Tuesday at 4.30 pm), I am going to say it was a mistake on their end. Well, they apologize profusely and say they have an appointment at 5.30. I am not happy about it because it will directly interfere with the kids' dinner time, but I don't want to argue it that much. We accept the 5.30 appointment

The other problem was that the kids take issue with taking naps when Michael is here. I don't know if it is because they are so excited that he is here that they can't wind down, or that he just changes the routine so the kids are testing their boundaries, but either way, it is not uncommon that one or both the kids are too rowdy at rest time on the days that Daddy is here. (Obviously Benjamin sleeps whenever he wants, wherever he wants, and Michael has no effect on that, lol.)

So in all likeliness, the kids are going to be hungry or tired or both. Not exactly ideal conditions for taking pictures.

First, Benjamin: He was precious. I mean, how badly behaved can a baby his size be? He was quiet and didn't require feeding or changing the hour or two we were there. His little body is still pretty floppy, so posing him was easy...he was ideal :)

Now, poor Emerald.

The day of the pictures, Emerald is having some tummy troubles. (I told you that poop-rant paragraph was going somewhere). I was hoping they would resolve themselves before we had to leave, but they didn't. So when we get to the studio, she is physically miserable and sick. All she wants to do is poop, but she most certainly does not want to poop because she is scared...the whole time we were having her pictures made, she was well-behaved and followed directions pretty well. Any time it was somebody else's, she was running off and hiding, holding her stomach and crying.

The other problem she had was that a few days before she had gotten a scrape near her eye. She wouldn't stop picking off the scab, so I put a band-aid over it, hoping that it would heal up a little before the pictures if she didn't pick at it for a day. But she had an allergic reaction to the band-aid, so now instead of just a little scab, there was a rash in the shape of a band-aid. I put benadryl cream on it several times that day, but it never cleared up. In the end, we had to put a little make-up to cover it up, but it was still a little visible.

Gabriel was, as said earlier, our wild card. We knew he wasn't going to sit still. If you look at the picture above, you can see my arm steadying him behind him (we can crop that out, but I didn't bother for this post, since it kind of illustrates my story). Smiling is rare for Gaby, even though he is a happy baby, so we have to get him in a good mood.

The bubbles I brought did not hold his interest. The Veggie Tales Michael put on his iPad went unwatched. The many toys were ignored. It was time for my last ditch effort: Skittles.

Now THAT got his attention! In several of the pictures, you could see him chewing happily away, or else signing 'more', 'please', or 'thank you' to get more. The game Buzz Went the Bee got him smiling as well, so with a little bribery, we were able to get a few good shots of him. With Emerald, we wanted her looking happy; with Gabriel, we were content with him just sitting still.

All in all, it went pretty well and we got some great pictures. Now it is time for me to put the kiddos to nap--goodnight!!

--Andie--

Halloween

2011-11-05T10:24:00.000-07:00

It was Banjo's first Halloween!!

Okay, so obviously we didn't take him trick-or-treating. Come on--he's just a little feller. But he did get a sweet little Halloween onesie.

First, Gabriel: My in-laws are incredibly sweet people, and they love my babies very much. As most will attest, there is little that interests Gabriel besides Veggie Tales. Nothing ever gets him as excited as that show. Rhonda and Ken got him a Larry the Cucumber costume to wear this year. You should have seen how excited he got when he saw it--he didn't even mind wearing the hat that much, and he was so darned cute waddling around the house as a big green cucumber.

Emerald had been telling me she wanted to be Captain America since her birthday, but the week before when it was starting to bear down on her, she started considering more options. We took her to Toys-R-Us and let her pick through the costumes until she found one she liked. The ones that were most interesting to her were Cinderella and Aurora (Sleeping Beauty). That is, they were until she saw the Tinkerbell costume. She loved that one! I actually kind of liked it too because it meant that she and Gabriel were both wearing green, so there was still some continuity to their costumes. This year was exciting for me because for the first time, Emerald was old enough to really pick her own.

Another flashback:

Emerald's first Halloween (6 weeks old), Oma got her a red chili pepper costume. Second Halloween, she was 13 months old and was a Pumpkin (Oma), then a Lion (Gigi), and finally a pink fluffy poodle (Glo and Pawpaw).

Third Halloween, she was 25 months and wore a Ladybug costume (Glo). Gabriel was 8 months old and was a Zebra (Oma), plus he wore the Lion that Emerald had the year before. Fourth Halloween, Emerald was 3 and Gabriel was 20 months: Emerald picked out a Rosetta costume (the pink flower fairy from Tinkerbell) as well as a Batgirl costume, so I went ahead and got both, lol. Gabriel got a Batman costume because Emerald got the Batgirl costume and I couldn't resist, so they matched. It was really cute.

Now I have caught you (and me!) all up on Halloweens past!!

Back to this Halloween though: Emerald was Tinkerbell, Gabriel was Larry the Cucumber, and Benjamin was staying home with Glo because he is just a little dumpling right now.

Pawpaw, Michael, and I took Emerald and Gabriel trick-or-treating at the dorms like we do every year. I like it because it is safe. That being said, it stressed me out pretty bad.

We had a lot of fun, and the kids really enjoyed it, but it is warm and there are a ton of people so I feel claustrophobic, and I get turned around easily which means that I don't know which way is out and that is not a feeling I enjoy. To be honest, I do have concerns that this whole event is a terrible fire hazard, with so many people and decorations all over the walls that can so easily catch flame from the strobe lights and everything...okay, so I am getting myself worked up again, but those were the paranoid thoughts that were running through my head as we went from room to room.

The thing is, those kinds of situations stress Michael out as well, so it is no surprise that the kids were a little frazzled afterwards either. Like I said, we all had a great time, but (and this should come as a shock to no one), Mommy is totally high strung. We all ready know that Emerald and Gabriel can't handle large groups of people or loud noises without having no small amount of anxiety, plus the whole seizure thing was never quite resolved so when we got into the hallway with the flashing strobe light...

I am rambling. My point in all of this is: while we had a really good time, I think maybe next year, I will let someone else (maybe Glo and Pawpaw or Daddy) take the kids trick or treating, and maybe I will try and throw a small party for the kids and their friends. Obviously this is just the preliminary, knee-jerk reaction to a stressful situation, and I am a problem solver, so I start plotting way in advance. How much fun would it be to have bobbing for apples or decorate your own candy apples or a Halloween relay race out in the backyard? Plus, Emerald would love to have Cooper over to play.

Hope everyone had a Happy Halloween!!

--Andie!--

A Little September

2011-11-05T09:25:00.000-07:00

Mostly I just didn't have anywhere else to put these pictures and none of the stories were long enough for stand-alone posts, so this is kind of a hodge podge =)

Sunday is family day--it's the day that Michael has off, so we get to do things that we don't normally do during the week. Our favorite part is the Sunday drive. I know that sounds completely lame, but it is really relaxing and the kids and I like to get out of the house. Usually we first go to Scoggin Dickey and look at all the cars; Mike tells us about what he is selling and shows us new cars. After that, we just sort of wander, just driving in any direction that appeals to us and trying to see things we haven't seen before.

The kids also really like it when we go somewhere fun, like the park or the mall or wherever. We may start taking them to the Texas Tech museum or the Ranch Heritage center or the Corn Maize, when they are a little less rambunctious and rowdy, a little more controllable.

The kids have been going to "school" (parent's day out) twice a week and they both just love it. That picture down there of Gabriel grinning--I don't get to see him get excited about much, but he really enjoys going to class. I would send them more, but I just want them to have a bit of socialization and peer interaction, but also time to spend at home meeting with ECI and having fun with the family.

Back to school: Gabriel's teachers always tell me what a wonderful, sweet, well-behaved child he is. Sometimes he has trouble going to sleep for naptime, but that is not surprising to me considering he is having the same issues at home for bedtime. (At nap at home, we usually nap as a group, so he crashes hard and fast for that, lol).

Emerald is actually my problem child this year. Her teachers have mentioned that she is disrespectful and runs away from them, won't settle down to rest at nap. She even has a partner in crime--her self-described "best and only friend", Cooper. Her and Cooper have been in the same class since they were 9 months old, so it doesn't surprise me that they are close. Anyways, back to the misbehavior: I know every parent wants to think that their child has behavioral issues at school because they are too smart and are just not being stimulated enough; but in Emerald's case, I am wondering if that is actually the case. I have seen what they are working on, and while it is great and I am not saying that it won't benefit her, the fact of the matter is that she all ready knows a great deal of it. She just picks things up pretty quickly, so repetition annoys and frustrates her, and sometimes she has issues settling down because of it.

Finally, Benjamin's first bath =)

Of course, you knew that after all this time, he probably has had at the very least one bath or he would be quite the yucky little baby, but I like newborn pictures!

Ben has a little bit of wild, unruly hair that gets gross very quickly, so he has to be bathed rather frequently. I tried bathing him in the sink, but he honestly hated that. In the baby bath, he propels his arms and legs like he is falling and he sobs. Sponge baths were okay, but only go so far--he can't get fully, really clean that way. Finally I had the idea to fill up the bath bucket with bubbly water...he loved that!! It is perfectly his size, easy to clean and sanitize, and comfortable enough that he is happy in it. I still want to go buy an inflatable infant bath (even though I pop those more often than not, and I bet the older kids would want to play with it), but for right now, Benji is one happy, clean little baby boy!

Okay, so that is all I have for right now. Well, all I have right now about those topics. Particularly stimulating? Nah. But it is the every day things that make up our lives, and I am just certain that one day I am going to want to look back and remember our Sunday drives, or that Emerald is a real toot at daycare, or that Benjamin hated bath time =)

--Andie!--

A Very Belated Birthday Post

2011-11-05T08:49:00.001-07:00

Emerald's birthday was almost two months ago, which means that it is probably past time that I write about the party we threw for her!

This was her fourth birthday--I can't believe that she is growing up so fast. I love having parties for the kids just because it is so much fun to see how happy they are having a day that is all about them, and because I like to celebrate making it another year. Some days it just doesn't feel like we'll make it!!

Flashback: Emerald's first birthday was pretty much theme-less. I was broke and couldn't do much, but besides that all of Lubbock was flooded that day, so getting to the store for last minute shopping was all but impossible. She and I made a confetti cake together, and we had Disney Princess plates and napkins and stuff. My family wasn't able to make it because of the weather, but Ken and Rhonda and the Weems were there, and all in all, it was a great birthday. I remember that my mom made Emerald a chocolate brown dress with pink polka dots and a big cupcake on the chest to wear. I still have that dress stored =)

Her second birthday party was the one that the whole family got to come to (I think. It was either that one or the next). I made it Hello Kitty because Princess Hello Kitty was her favorite movie at the time, and I didn't know enough to vary up the colors so the dining room at Rhonda's house was an explosion of pink. It was intense.

The third birthday I did Dora the Explorer which turned out pretty well, as I think. It was mostly purple and orange.

After all those super girly birthday parties, I think she was ready for something different!!

As I said before, Emerald was insistent that she wanted a Captain America birthday party. I think Michael was proud enough to burst--he is a big comic fan, especially of Steve Rogers =) Honestly, I had it in my head that we were going to have a Tinkerbell Tea Party, and even tried to sway her toward it; but she had her little heart set on the First Avenger, and I didn't want to disappoint her.

It actually turned out much simpler than I had thought--there are tons of patriotic decorations that fit into the theme really easily. Anything we couldn't find with stars or stripes, we just had to pick red, white, or blue! Also because of the recent Captain America movie, bakeries were stocking Cap cakes as well.

I had wanted to get everything for the party before the baby was born so that I wouldn't have to do it after he got here, but there was just so, so much to do before hand that I couldn't manage. For inspiration, I kept Emerald talking about her party as much as possible. She actually had some great ideas.

Thus far with the kids, I have only done cupcakes and drinks or occasionally finger food at their birthday parties. Just cuts down on stress. We had been planning on that until Emerald asked for hot dogs. Hot dogs? ....sure, we can do hot dogs. I mean, how easy is that? Granted, I hate hot dogs...but it's not my birthday party!

For a little variety, my mom made a big pot of chili for the hot dogs, and we also provided Samuel Adam's soaked bratwurst, as well as chips. I like brats, so that was good for me. We had a cupcake cake--half vanilla, half chocolate as usual--with a figurine that spun on a base. Emerald thought that was pretty neat. The only downside of the cake was that there were 30 cupcakes, so we had tons left over.

Like we do every year, we had it at Rhonda's house. My parents were able to be there, but little Andrew was sick so Jarrod and Julia couldn't come. Ken had come back into town from work, so he was able to come as well. Besides that, Grannymom and DadDad and Rhonda were also there, and of course Michael, Gabriel, Benjamin, and myself were able to make it.

Besides family, we also had David and Beth, which meant a lot to me because Beth was feeling particularly crummy that day and had to go to the doctor the next day, but she still came anyway =) Sara was there as well--I love Miss Sara!

Forgive my fuzzy memory; I am still in a sleepy baby-haze, so I don't exactly remember everything she got and I don't think I will try. At any rate, she loved her many presents, and was thrilled overall with her Captain America birthday party!!

--Andie!--

Complaints and Grievances

2011-10-31T16:00:00.000-07:00

As I said in the last post, our little family has been going through some difficult patches lately. So this post is to help me get all the grumpies out.

As good of a starting point as anywhere, I will lead with my darling eldest, Emerald.

Sometimes, when a new baby is introduced into the family, an older child will regress because of the stress and in an attempt to attract more attention.

Other times when a child goes through a personally traumatic experience, they will lose progress or skills as a coping mechanism.

At the end of August and beginning of September unfortunately, Emerald was subjected to both. Benjamin was born in the first week of September, right after Emerald was painfully, miserably constipated.

Oh, yes: this story is about dookie. If I have to deal with it, so do you. :p

Early in August we had finally turned a corner. Emerald's potty training had been an odyssey, with lots of frustration on both our parts, but we had finally gotten there. We could take her into public without a pull-up on, she was hardly (if ever) having accidents, and she was staying dry overnight. I was elated.

Then it seemed like she lost all her progress overnight. This wasn't the occasional lapse--this was completely resetting the game and starting at square one. I have never felt so deflated in my life. I felt like a failure. And it has been so discouraging to have to start over all over again, for both of us.

Now, it is two months later and this is still a daily challenge. Some days we have good days--no or few accidents, no power struggle just to get her into the bathroom...some days are not so good, where we have to change her six or more times and there is a screaming tantrum anytime we mention the potty; lots of short tempers and frustration all around. The doctor prescribed something for her, but it has not helped because it doesn't address any of the emotional distress that is causing such problems...this in and of itself has been very hard on the whole family.

Of course the potty issues are not the only ones plaguing Emerald right now--her stress level is high and so her behavior at home and at school as severely deteriorated. Her teachers no longer tell me what a joy she is to have in class, but that she was disrespectful, disruptive, rude. At home she argues, talks back, whines, screeches in our faces. She lies, makes up stories about how mean everyone is to her or what she has been doing.

I understand that this is not that uncommon in a four-year old girl and that she is just exerting her independence and that she will grow out of it...but I would be kidding myself if I pretended that any of that was a comfort. She's my little girl--my only girl--and it hurts me that we are at odds so often.

Gabriel is next, I suppose. Nothing new is really going on there, just the same struggles with communication and general development and sensory troubles. He is having trouble sleeping again. We had finally gotten the little guy putting himself to sleep and sleeping through the night in his own bed. Now he has moved into a bit of insomnia, waking up and unable to put himself back to sleep for hours afterwards. He attempts to use his babbles and grunts to express something to us, but it just causes him to dissolve into tears when he realizes that we do not understand him.

He is also attempting to become more self-reliant as he has lost patience with trying to get what he wants out of us. For example, before he would go and get a sippy cup to bring to me when he was thirsty. He would sign more or please and insist until I got him something. Now, he gets into the fridge and grabs the gallon of milk or a carton of eggs. We tried putting a lock on the fridge, so he broke the handle so the lock wouldn't work. We put up barriers on either side of the kitchen so he would be barred out; he scaled the barriers and persisted in his thievery.

You get the idea.

So, Emerald has become a full-time job in and of herself and Gabriel has progressed to needing unwavering and constant monitoring. Because heavens forbid I try and nurse Benjamin or help Emerald to the restroom or cook a meal--that little boy that is sitting quietly looking at his book when I get up will be in the dining room smashing my figurines or standing on the kitchen counter before my back is turned.

ONCE AGAIN, of course I know that my mother at least is laughing because this is how boys behave! Why should I be surprised that Gabriel is acting like a BOY?!

Well because it is exhausting and time-consuming and something that under normal circumstances I would be able to handle, no problem, but please now recall that I am putting Emerald in time-out or on the potty every 30 minutes, searching her room for hidden accidents, and doing load after load (bad phrasing, I know) of laundry trying to keep up with how fast she is messing them.

And Benjamin? What's that sweet little lumpling's problem?

He's a NEWBORN!!

He is, by the very definition, exhausting. And time-consuming. Each baby is different, but this one is painfully gassy and incredibly clear and alert, meaning that he is up all hours of the day and night. Not to mention that he is just a vocal child, meaning that any discomfort he is not shy from voicing. It is not uncommon for me to have to carry him around for hours, walking and bouncing him and trying to clean and take care of the kids and cook one handed.

Now, everyone will point out that I should have waited; had my kids further apart so that I could handle each trial as it arises. Or maybe had less children all together. But this way, I am getting all of this sleepless nights and diapers/potty-training and everything all out of the way at once. Is it the life for everyone? No, and I can respect that. But this is the way I prefer to have done it. So for today, I am going to complain and bitch and moan and keep trudging through with the rosy future of poop no longer being a daily conversation and sleeping through the night is commonplace just on the horizon =)

-Andie!-

Catching Up

2011-10-31T15:41:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a long time. Well, relatively a long time--I went from several updates every day to silence, which of course people tell me is only natural after having a new baby. But every day I have wanted to write, I have thought of the blog...I just didn't know what to say.

Being ungrateful is kind of the American way. We are spoiled, unapologetically and shamelessly; that is not news. But the truth of the matter was, everything that I could have talked about seemed frivolous and whiny and ungrateful.

A friend from high school recently lost his five day old, first-born baby girl. We all followed along as he chronicled the painful journey, from discovering there was something amiss with the fetus through the birth and eventually, to the last moments of her precious little life. My heart ached for him. And as self-centered as it sounds, every time I attempted to sit down and write about the comings and goings of the Wearden family, I thought about how he would have thanked God for the chance to go through the struggles that have left me feeling so defeated lately.

I realize that my children are gifts--beautiful, wonderful presents from God to me and Michael, to enrich our lives and to give us purpose. But sometimes, when I am in the trenches and feel like all I have left in me is to keep holding on and hoping things get better, it is hard to cling to that mentality. It is hard for me to celebrate every day that I get with my little darlings because I feel like tearing out my hair, banging my head against the wall, or just break down and cry.

Of course, I recognize that this is just the learning curve. We are all getting used to the big change that occurred in our family. And my current hormonal state and entire lack of sleep has left me less than sane. But I have come to realize that neglecting to keep this history of our little family because of guilt serves no purpose except to lose our own stories of triumphs and failures, no matter how mundane and ordinary they seem.

All of this rambling and carrying on is to say: I'm back. I'm not going to always want to write a glowing post of adoration for my precious and well-behaved little children because honestly sometimes they seem more like little hellion brats. Here, on our Wearden family blog, I will do what I have always done--write what is on my heart and on my mind, and keep the stories of our journey.

So! Get excited people--Andie's back!

~Andie~

Hospital Stay: First Day

2011-09-15T15:50:00.000-07:00

Now that the drug induced haze has lifted, I will attempt a clear-headed recounting of the first day of the hospital--the birth, the visitors, etc.

For some reason, I decided to get dressed up to go to the hospital. Part of it was because pants were officially no longer comfortable to wear as they were all too tight, and my sun dress was much more accommodating. Because the c-section was scheduled for 9 am, Michael and I needed to be up there no later than 7 to get all the prep stuff done. Pre-registration is done over the phone several days before, so I didn't have to worry about that, but even so I had to sign a lot of paperwork.

My mom and dad had arrived late the night before--about 11--so they woke and dressed the kids and brought them up to the hospital a little closer to the time of the birth. Because I am overly controlling, I had packed the diaper bag, the fun bag, and set out the clothes that I wanted the kids to wear so that Mom wouldn't have to track all that stuff down.

I was feeling pretty good when we got there. It was a lovely day, and I love early morning, even if I am super cranky britches. Michael would be able to be there either way because the dealership is not open on Sunday mornings, and the pregnancy that had been so trying was finally coming to an end. There were no nerves, no worry, just calm. At my last Dr. Killeen appointment, we had discussed the possibility that Michael would be able to come back while I had the spinal and be with me, and Dr. Killeen had been supportive of it.

There were three nurses helping me get ready, which was kind of weird. Maybe it was just a slow day because it was a Sunday. I know from asking that there was one other woman that went into labor and delivered that day, and that another woman had an emergency c-section, but we were the only ones to have babies that day, so there were only 3 little babies (including our Benjamin) in the nursery.

From past hospital experiences, I know that I have curvy, "valve-y" blood vessels, whatever the heck that could mean, so IV's tend to be a little difficult to place. One nurse tried to put it on the back of my left arm near my wrist (what I assume is the traditional place to put it) after I had informed her of my apprehension. It slid in easily enough and it looked like it would take, but it became apparent after a moment that it had not taken. Instead of doing the decent thing and removing the needle to try again, she adapted a look of consternation, and proceeds to press down on the needle, allowing the saline solution from the IV to pump into my arm and swell up. Hurt really badly, made me kind of mad, but I wasn't going to let it get to me. The other nurse took her time and found a good vein...on the back of my dominant hand. Which, since she got it in on her first try, I was not going to complain.

Rhonda and Ken, and then my parents with Emerald and Gabriel, arrived to see us before the surgery began. The nurse loaded me up in the big ol' wheelchair, and we started down the hall...

...and I start to panic again. I am shivering from head to foot from the cold, I am sick to my stomach, and right here, right now is the very last place I want to be in the entire world.

Michael noted that it was interesting that I got freaked out before I had Gabriel and Benjamin, but I was calm and collected when I had Emerald. I think that may have been knowing versus not knowing--with Emerald, I didn't know what to expect, so I had no reason to be nervous. Each time I went in with the boys, I knew exactly how it was going to go, how the healing was going to be...I think I made it scarier than it was.

Michael talked quietly to me, stroked my hair, calmed me...I think I was afraid until the moment that we were back there that they weren't going to actually let Michael be with me. The anesthesiologist came out to talk to us, and it was his decision whether Michael would or would not be allowed to stay with me, which I thought was kind of interesting. Dr. Killeen was the leading surgeon in this situation, so you would think that he would be the one to make that call, but they let the man administering the spinal decide whether or not he wants spousal observation. He asked Mike if he passed out at the sight of blood or needles, and I wanted to laugh because Michael was about to go back and watch them slice me in half, stick a hand in the wound, and pull out his son...if that didn't make him pass out, why on earth would a little needle stick in my back rattle him?

The spinal is kind of scary: the anesthesiologist puts me on a big T-shaped table, makes me curl my spine toward him...they always say it's like an angry cat arching its back. Anyways, they poke around on my back for a bit looking for a good spot to stick a ridiculously big (but thin) needle, clean it three times with solution I am certain they are storing in the fridge, then I get the "bee sting"--the shot that numbs the area, but for some reason burns like heck going in. You feel the pressure of the big hollow needle go in, and almost immediately, your legs become very warm and heavy (if the spinal is intended for pain management, I assume--I don't know how it would be for the diagnostic test). Before you are unable to move your legs, they assist you to lay back, and then they handle all the catheter placement and stuff like that while you slowly become warmer and number.

As soon as my legs became warm, I started to relax. I had warned the doctor that I had freaked out last time I had a c-section, so he had something for anxiety on stand-by in case I needed it, but warned me that if he did have to administer it, I would not remember (or possibly not be awake for) the birth of my son. He ended up not having to give me anything because I was very relaxed after that point.

You really don't go entirely unfeeling. I wonder if it is even possible without them paralyzing you for you to feel absolutely nothing. But what you feel is that something is going on--it doesn't hurt, you are just aware of the fact that someone is touching you. It all went very quickly--I felt them cleaning the skin, a slight tugging near my hips where I assume they were cutting into me, and then great pressure near my ribs. They were pushing and pulling little Benjamin out of my tummy!!

Babies are gross when they first come out. Benjamin was the first yicky baby I had seen--Emerald and Gabriel I didn't see until they were clean and wrapped in a blanket. I can't even remember if they let me nuzzle and kiss Gabriel before they took him away, and since they didn't get pictures of that birth, I can't go back and see.

One of the nurses said "where was she hiding this baby?" and I immediately grew concerned that I was having just a ridiculously ginormous baby, but I heard them call out the weight at 7 lbs, 14 ozs. A little bigger than I had originally been expecting but not unreal. It sort of explains how uncomfortable I was with him in there, and even though he was not born vaginally he still had some coning to his head because he was smooshed so far down in my pelvis for so long. Not much--he didn't look completely alien baby--but not the perfectly round skull of many c-section babies.

They cleaned up the little fella, gave him the vitamin K shot, measured him, got his APGAR scores (9 and 9--practically perfect) and then we got some family bonding time. They let us keep him longer than either of the other two kids; I asked Mike later, and he agreed that we were allowed more this time around. I remember looking at my baby and consciously thinking that they may have given me the wrong baby. Logically I knew that I was the only woman giving birth in the room, and that he was the only baby in the room, but I could not for the life of me figure out why he was so big. Plus, Emerald and Gabriel had looked exactly alike when born with the only difference being the hue of the peach fuzz atop their heads, but this little fella looked completely different. For one thing, he had a lot of dark hair when both the others had been born bald.

Once they got him closer to me, I realized how much of Michael I could see in him. He was a beautiful, perfect little boy and I was so excited to meet him. Michael whispered "Are you sure about the name?" and when I agreed, we officially "met" Benjamin Reilly.

By this time, I was feeling very exhausted and was beginning to drift in and out of sleep. Luckily it was time for Michael to wheel the baby away to meet the family and for me to start going it alone. I felt completely confident and fine with that as soon as I had seen my baby was healthy and happy and safe. Thus began the exhausting process of stitching me back together.

I slept in a way that I was dozing, but still aware of what was happening around me. They were concerned there was a problem with my bladder, so they apparently inflated it with water and drained it...it was fine, I don't know what they thought they saw. Glad they tried to fix it before stitching me up and leaving it for the next guy though. Dr. Killeen talked about my tattoo. Apparently, he had been under the impression that it was a buffalo, even to the point of remembering that Michael was from Colorado and assuming that I had gotten it for the CU Buffs, but I laughingly told him it was an orange bull. He thinks I'm weird for getting it. Admittedly, I am a little odd for that decision, but I don't regret it.

It felt like it took a lot longer for them to finish stitching me up than normal, and it was confirmed when Dr. Killeen came to talk to me after it was over--he said that my uterus was abnormally thinned from so many pregnancies and c-sections in such a relatively short amount of time. It was taking its toll on me, and he recommended waiting several years before attempting to get pregnant again, though I still probably should leave it at this. Looks like I am a three-kid woman. We discussed birth control options, which Mike and I have been waffling back and forth over for six months now, but for the first time, Dr. Killeen mentions an option that seems quite viable for us--Implanon, the arm implant.

He left and I was wheeled to recovery where they monitored my blood pressure, heart rate, oxygenation, and pressed on my stomach to promote uterine contractions. The nurse had to come and go a bit because there was an emergency c-section across the hall from me and they needed her help a little. But that was okay, I don't really like people hovering around me. I usually use that time to nap and to wiggle my feet to see exactly when I have mobility again. I was back there for longer than usual though because they were letting me rest, but they didn't tell Michael everything was fine so the longer stitching time plus the extended recovery equaled an unsettled Michael waiting for me to come back.

Everyone was laughing at me when I came back, and I didn't know why--even Michael looked baffled--but he explained it later...normally, around people I am reserved a little standoff-ish; the bouncy, bubbly, affectionate part of me only shown in isolated incidents to all but Mike. So my behavior was absolutely normal for him, but must have been bizarre to everyone else, lol.

For the rest of the day I was on a liquid diet--just juices, water, and broths at first, though by dinner time they were allowing me "full liquid" which meant tasty cream of chicken soup. For the most part I was confined to the bed with these circulation-promoting stockings (dead sexy, lemme tell ya) on as well as a machine that squeezed my calves every few minutes to keep the blood pumping. I handled those pretty well until the middle of the night--I was supposed to have them taken off at 5 am, but they got hot and itchy and miserable, so I sweet talked the nurse into taking them off a couple hours early. She even helped me walk around the halls that first day with lots of support. She was a very nice nurse.

My parents stayed at the house with Emerald and Gabriel which meant that Michael was able to stay at the hospital with me, lucky guy. He had to sleep on this narrow little couch, but he claims he had more room on that than he did at home with a big pregnant wife and toddler hogging the whole bed. That first night, they come in every hour to give me medicine and check on me, rub my tummy, stuff like that. They want you to rest, but that is super absurd since they are poking and prodding you so often.

So that is what I remember from that first day. Hopefully soon I will be able to recall the subsequent two days and make a record of that, but Emerald is currently sitting in time alternating between screaming and singing "goodbye..." in the saddest voice she can imagine. Sort of distracting!!

--Andie--

Emerald-isms, Sept 15

2011-09-15T15:20:00.000-07:00

The blog is sadly in need of many updates, but this may be all I can manage for right now--here is another installment of adorable/sweet/funny quotes from my goofy, darling daughter. =)

* Uhh, mom? Benjamin is chewing on your boob... (when I was nursing)

* Can this baby be a girl baby? He can wear lip gloss and we can call him Ellie, so he be my sister.

* There are five Wearden's. 3 boy Wearden's (points to Gabriel, Benjamin, and Michael), and TEN girl Wearden's.

*I slept horribly last night and ended up sleeping in until nearly 10 with Gabe. When I woke up, Emerald was still sweetly lying in bed--who knows how long she had been awake, just laying there. I told her I was sorry, and she snuggled next to me and said "It's okay, mommy--you were very sleepy"

*We had to do finger pricks to test iron levels today--Emerald went before Gabriel, so we were trying to get her to reassure him...she goes "Don't worry, Gaby--it doesn't hurt so bad", then looks at me and says "ow ow ow! It hurts, mommy!!"

*I was emptying the vacuum when Emerald said "thank you to vacuuming, mommy--the ducks {dust} makes me cough, see? -cough cough-"

*Emerald was clutching her stomach in pain, so I told her to try and go potty. Her response: the poo-poo is sleeping in my butt, let's leave it alone for now"

* Pawpaw not at his house; he flew away in a big white airplane. But he come back soon--he forgot Glo here.

* (during prayer) Dear God, please bring Oma back home. It's getting dark and it's time for bed...

* I was taking the fabric covers off the glider so I could toss them in the wash. Emerald adopts a very serious face and says "Mommy, we don't tear up the furniture".

* Me: Emerald, are you supposed to be doing that?

Emerald: We not talking about me, we talking about you.

* My mom's dog passed away recently. Emerald told me one night, " Mama, I need to go to Oma's house. She dying of a broken heart and needs a friend"

* If you don't wash the dirty, nasty dishes, do we not get lunch? (:-/ can the commentary, little girl!)

* When I grow up, I gonna be a real pirate. I just gotta get a real pirate ship.

* Mama, what happened to the clouds? Clouds is white, not brown....(welcome to Lubbock, dear heart--that is a dust storm, lol)

Benjamin is Here!

2011-09-04T17:44:00.000-07:00

This is my attempt at an account of the birth of Benjamin!

Last night, my parents arrived at my house around 11.30 or so from Tyler. Of course, Michael and I were still up putting together some last minute things. Emerald just wanted to wait up and see them, Gabriel had fallen asleep earlier, but was awoken by the ruckus. All in all, because of apprehension and pregnancy discomfort, I didn't get much sleep either way.

Full fasting--not even water or ice--began at midnight. Going without food was not such a problem, but I drink a ton of water and eat ice by the bagful, so I felt parched when I got here at 7 the next morning.

It only took them two tries to get the IV in, which is better than anyone's done it before. I have difficult, curvy blood vessels that swell up when you try and put needles in them, so I have to have the IV on the back of my dominant hand, which frankly just sucks. But I can cope; not that big of a deal.

All morning, Michael and I were relaxed and enjoying one another's company. Family began arriving at the hospital around 8.30, including Emerald and Gabriel so that they could meet their new baby brother. At 8.45, they wheeled me back to finish prepping for the surgery. It wast then that I began to shake from head to foot. I think that what happened is that my body was reacting to the cold, but my mind was interpreting it as terror, because my breath began to grow labored and I felt the beginnings of panic. '

Luckily for me, the very understanding and kind anesthesiologist allowed Michael to come back and hold my hand while I got the spinal. As soon as the warmth and numbness washed over my legs, I felt much calmer and relaxed. Michael being there did me worlds of good because he makes me feel safe, helps me keep myself collected.

Dr. Killeen and Dr. Hales did the surgery itself. It took a little while because they had a good deal of scar tissue to cut away. The doctors said my uterus was almost dangerously thin and it was good that they didn't wait any longer to deliver him--from what Michael told me, Dr. Hales ran his finger along my uterus to show where they would make the incision, and it was so thin that it ripped open from that digitally drawn line without them even using a scalpel. =S

It never hurts, but you can feel what is going on down there--feels like they are moving you around a bit, and then you feel them pressing down on your bump. All of a sudden, you feel incredibly flat and empty, and with that you hear the baby cry =)

Benjamin was much bigger than we were expecting, and by far my biggest baby. 20 and a quarter inches long, he was about the same length as Gabriel when he was born; but both Emerald and Gabriel weighed in at 6 pounds, 9 ounces at birth, while Benjamin was a whopping 7 pounds, 14 ounces. Dr. Killeen commented that it was probably related to the gestational diabetes which causes fetuses to put on weight. It does explain why I was so very uncomfortable that last trimester--there was not very much room in there for such a big fellow.

Little guy was born 9.41 on 9-4-11 =)

After they took him out, they cleaned him up a bit, got his APGAR score (9), and wrapped him in some blankets, before Michael and I were allowed some family snuggle time with our new little boy. My hands are strapped down to the table to prevent me from interfering with the surgery, but I was allowed to kiss his little face and snuggle my cheek against him.

Michael took the baby out to meet the family, and I got to take a nap while Dr. Hales and Dr. Killeen painstakingly put me back together. They always do it so that my bull tattoo suffers no damage, and so that after even three c-sections I only have 1 minimal scar. It really is quite sweet of them, they do such a good job. Dr. Killeen mentioned the thinness of my uterus and recommended that if I ever choose to get pregnant again that I should wait several years before trying. Michael and I are pretty happy with three kids, so we discussed long-term birth control options.

When they were done sewing and stapling me back together, I went into recovery. They gave me benadryl there to help with the itching from the morphine, plus two types of pain killers, so I was pretty loopy and exhausted. I slept for a while and they kept me back there for over an hour, making Michael quite nervous. Wheeling me back to my room, they stopped by the nursery so that I could hold Benjamin for the first time :)

The whole family was waiting for me when I came back--Oma, Grandpop, Glo, Pawpaw, Patrick, Grannymom, Dad-Dad, Michael, Emerald, and Gabriel. They were snickering every time I talked, so I think I might have been a little goofy-loopy. Benjamin had to be kept in the nursery to stabilize his body heat before they would bring him in, so I used that time to write sympathy cards to Michael's extended family as they recently lost Rhonda's grandmother GG.

This time, I am determined to give breastfeeding an honest shot, so the lactation consultant came in and gave me a hand--Benjamin is actually quite good at it! He had no trouble latching on and nurses very well. I am very optimistic.

Today for the rest of the day I have to stay on a liquid diet; there are compressors on my legs that squeeze my calves to help keep blood flowing so I don't get a clot while I am confined to the bed. All in all, it's really not a bad set up. Grannymom and Dad-Dad came back for a visit, as well as Melisa, Sydney, and Macy. It has been a quiet and relaxing day, very much needed. One of the best days of my life. I am so happy because everything has gone just so well.

Tonight I am hoping that I can get some good sleep because I am hoping to be up for visitors tomorrow. I should be getting up and walking soon--I all ready got one jaunt down the hall--and will head home on Wednesday.

Getting Ready for Benjamin Reilly

2011-09-02T16:07:00.001-07:00

Call it nesting instinct, call it needing something to do, but I have used my time this week to prepare for the arrival of our little baby Benjamin!!

Since Gabriel was born in the beginning of 2009 and since then I have added two nephews to my family (as well as having many friends with male offspring), I would have assumed I had gotten rid of all of our baby things. It's the cycle of reuse--once you are done with everything from baby equipment to tiny newborn clothes and shoes, you pass it on down the line so that someone else can get use of it. By that reasoning, I should have purged ourselves of most usable infant items.

But I lucked out, as it would happen!

I rediscovered a vibrating Winnie-the-Pooh bouncy seat that still had the toys on the little bar; the glider/swing with all of it's toys still intact; and an infant carrier car seat with base in pristine condition. Granted, due to their disuse, I had to take all the covers off to launder, as well as disinfecting and generally cleaning up all non-fabric parts. All in all, I am pleased with the results. Gabriel is confused because he thinks these things have been set up for his benefit--I think he can vaguely recall that these were once his and it is confusing him that he is now no longer able to utilize them, but he'll get over it.

Also rescued from the confines of our storage was my glider--it took a bit of cleaning as well, but it is now set up in the boys' room so that now every major room in the house is set up to be nursing-friendly. I don't know if that will actually help me stick with it or not, but I want to give myself every advantage so I can give it an honest shot.

Other things that had been lent out found their way back to me. Jarrod and Julia sent 6-12 month baby clothes, and Andrew brought back 0-9 month clothes that we had sent to Hayden. Also back from baby Andrew (Jarrod and Julia's son) was my nice Eddie Bauer playpen/bassinet combo with the changing table built in, which I super love :) It makes nighttime just so much smoother and more pleasant with everything centrally located like that.

All in all, Benji's got quite the set-up now. There are a few things that I would still LIKE to get for him (like a tummy play mat, maybe eventually a highchair) but nothing necessary, nothing immediate. he will be here the day after tomorrow, and I think I can finally, genuinely say that (after I hang up the laundry that is resting in his bassinet, lol) we are ready for the little fella to be here!!

...which is actually probably a good thing, considering he was supposed to be here earlier this week, lol.

Anyways, hurray!!

--Andie!--

Why I Had the Amnio

2011-09-01T17:21:00.000-07:00

Recent discussions on Facebook have somewhat sparked the question:

Amniocentesis are not standard procedure for all pregnancies, so why did I have one?

That is a reasonable question that one day I might wonder the answer to, so I figure I can go ahead and answer it here and now.

There are two main types of amniocentesis during pregnancy. They are both considered elective procedures, though they can be medically encouraged.

One is performed earlier in pregnancy, around 15-20 weeks, and can also be called an AFT (amniotic fluid test). The uterine wall tends to be thicker and further from the abdominal surface, making it more difficult to penetrate, but the baby is smaller and there is more fluid so it somewhat evens out. An amniocentesis this early is to determine genetic abnormalities such as Down Syndrome, Trisomy 13 and 18, Fragile X Syndrome, and neural tube defects such as spina bifida.

Michael and I have never opted to have this test done because of two main reasons: one, Dr. Hales is generally able to detect such abnormalities through a simple, painless, and risk-free anatomical sonogram that we have performed anyway; and two, because it carries a risk of miscarriage and pre-term labor, and since neither of us are genetically predisposed to pass on any of these fetal issues. There just never seemed to be a point, especially since Dr. Killeen assured us that Dr. Hales has yet to miss a warning sign and we trust them. It's not like it would affect our decision to keep the baby anyway, so we wouldn't want to endanger the child's life on a long shot.

Which brings us to the other type of amniocentesis--the one we actually had performed.

The other amniocentesis is to determine lung maturity; whether or not the fetus could be born without needing respiratory assistance or time in NICU. It is performed in the third trimester and can cause contractions or labor, so it is not done with every pregnancy. The uterus is generally thinned considerably by that point and very close to the abdominal surface, making the needle penetration less painful and difficult, but the fetus also takes up a great deal of room and has to be avoided and there is less fluid.

I have had this test done all three pregnancies because I am categorized as a high-risk pregnancy.

With Emerald, I had the gestational diabetes and the intrauterine growth restriction, as well as poor maternal weight gain. I was underweight to begin with and then lost a ton of weight from being so sick in the beginning. There was concerns of malnutrition, and because the fetus was having difficulty growing as well, they did want me to bump up my weight. Then the whole diabetes thing, that makes weight gain even harder to manage. When we went in for an anatomical scan and the baby's growth curve had dropped off so drastically, and she had failed most (if not all) of her non-stress tests indicating that she was unable to cope with the strain of vaginal birth, Dr. Killeen recommended an early delivery to ensure the safety of the baby.

It was not such an emergency that we wanted to take her if she was not breathing, and excess insulin inhibits lung development, which means that you have to tread extra carefully. They performed the amnio with her--we never got the results, because we were scheduled for an impromptu c-section a few days later.

With Gabriel, I had all the same problems almost word for word as I did with Emerald but with the added difficulty of uncertain due date and elective repeat cesarean (ERCS). Medical practice dictates that with the ERCS, an amnio be done to determine the fetus's viability just in case. It was precautionary, which turned out to be good since Gabriel was indeed not quite ripe enough to be plucked.

Final pregnancy, we still had the gestational diabetes, the uncertain due date, but not the IUGR; this time we traded it for maternal anemia and idiopathic/immune thrombocytopenic purprua (ITP), poor weight gain, low amniotic fluid levels....you get the idea. Basically, my tired out old body doesn't want to do this any more and is putting up a protest.

So, now you (and I) know. That's why we opted for the procedure. Strictly necessary? Nah. I could have waited all three times until I went into labor, but there is no guarantee that they would have gone well. I think the c-sections were good choices. Dr. Killeen strongly recommended them, and I trust him.

Time to go--my Mike made me Chinese food!!

--Andie!--

Little Ice Cream Shop

2011-09-01T15:54:00.001-07:00

So a few weeks back, I was wanting to do something as a family while Michael was home...I get random bursts of energy, and Mike is usually pretty agreeable going along with it. Since I just got the pictures on the computer, I wanted to make a little post about it!

It was too hot to do anything outside, so first we took the kids to the comic shop and let them pick out a comic each. Gabriel chose a Yo Gabba Gabba board book and a Superhero Squad comic. He really likes flipping through, looking at the pages; I think it makes him feel like a big boy. Emerald had a harder time choosing what she wanted--first, she wanted this Yo Gabba Gabba trade that turned out to be $30...there is no way I am spending $30 on a book she can't even read. She had trouble getting a little overexcited, wanting to run around and pick out a dozen books, so I had to take her out to the car and let her calm down. When we got back, she picked a Winnie-the-Pooh animal dictionary that I thought was going to be another $20 book, but when I checked it, it was only $3! I was blown away, because this was a nice, hardback book and it was cheaper than new comics! So we let her get that one.

If you're wondering, Mike got a couple of Marvel comics that had just come out, and I got "Spider-Man Noir" which was on sale.

After the comic shop, we went to an old-fashioned ice cream shop that had just opened up down the street...it was really reasonably priced! They had kid's scoops for $0.60 each, so Gabriel got vanilla and Emerald got bubblegum; Mike got a gigantic chocolate milkshake; and I just got ice water (no sugar-free options, -wistful sigh-).

I don't think Emerald was very impressed with her bubblegum treat, which was not technically ice cream or frozen yogurt, but kind of this...I don't know how to describe it, except to say that it was similar to a snow-cone, but not exactly. Either way, she was more interested in the old fashioned jukebox than she was eating.

It was a lot of fun, and the whole outing barely cost us anything--I think we will do it again soon. =)

-Andie-

Finally! Pictures from Joyland

2011-09-01T15:43:00.001-07:00

I intended to put these up a long time ago, but I just never got around to it. So here they are now from the company picnic!!

Riding the little cars--really noisy affair, where you can twist the steering wheel and beep horns.

Emerald, looking very pretty in her pink and yellow. This was one of the first trips out with her in big girl panties and no accidents!

Riding Daddy's soldiers; then Glo taking Gabriel on the carousel.

Gabriel loved the train--I am so glad that I was finally able to go on a ride with them!! Michael sat with Emerald, but we needed someone to take the picture!!

Getting way hot and ready to go home.

Leaving the park :)

Gabriel is....(Part 2)

2011-08-31T07:06:00.000-07:00

This is a continuation of the "What I Love About Gabriel" posts--part 2! More to come later =)

Gabriel is…loving.

From the moment of his birth, Gabe has been an affectionate child. He gives bear hugs like none other, holding on with his considerable strength as he burrows his face into your neck like he is making up for every moment you were away from him. His fingers wind their way into your hair as he twirls it. He can never get enough kisses—on his face, his hands, his cheeks, his lips…he adores the way you adore him. Though normally a hurricane of activity, he will lay beside you for hours, content in your arms, a hand absent-mindedly stroking the side of your face. You can feel the contentment and peace radiating off of him because nothing makes him happier than just knowing you are there.

Gabriel is…strong.

Physically, Gabriel is formidable. With a small body that is in a constantly dynamic state, his muscles are healthy and strong. He has no grasp on the concept of impulse restraint, so he puts all of himself into everything he does: jumping up and down while watching his favorite show; wrestling the captive pacifier from your hand; or when clinging to your neck in his patented Gaby-hugs. Flat-footed, he is able to squat on the floor in an impossible state of suspension, his calves holding him steady and upright. Though she has always been considerably bigger than he is, Gabriel will never be a victim to his big sister—he has no qualms with defending himself from her aggressive and occasionally selfish behavior—but he never uses his upper-hand to bully her, to fight her for things he wants. Even with his physical superiority to many kids his age, Gabriel has in no way been forceful or violent toward them.

Gabriel is…curious.

His is a very inquisitive mind. Gabriel wants to know how things works, why things do what they do, and how he can control it. People are a mystery he is uninterested in unraveling, but their functionality fascinates him. Interiors of mouths are meant to be examined, joints are made to be manipulated, spots and skin discrepancies are meant to be explored. Gentle fingers will probe teeth and gums, open and close eyes, and bend and twist ears as he puzzles out the reason and the purpose behind the different body parts that serve no obvious function. He loves repeating experiences again and again, experimenting with how he can alter the event by plugging his ears or standing on his head. Hinges are scrutinized; leaves pulled apart; books maneuvered for signs of strain…his brown eyes brighten as he catalogues every detail. He wants to see things from every angle imaginable and nothing is too petty to elude his interest.

Emerald Quotes 8-31-11

2011-08-31T06:29:00.000-07:00

Overheard by my sweet Emerald lately...

-awed voice- Wow, Mama--I the most goodest singer ever!

Mommy, can i have a cheese sandwich for lunch? And can I have a hamburger on my cheese sandwich?

(Me:)...you want a cheeseburger?

(Emerald:) Yay!! Yes please!! With fries!!

Emerald was pretending to text on her toy cell-phone, saying "Dear Emerald, I am six years old. Monsters make me real scared; I gotta build animals. Can you help me?" (playing "Veggie Tales", lol)

(Emerald) What is that a picture of?

(Me) It's the Death Star, sweetie.

(Emerald) Is it one of Daddy's cars?

Trying to make plans for Emerald's birthday, she gave this input: Tinkerbell is nice, and I like Minnie Mouse...but I want a Cap'n America birthday party!! (she has now been talking about her Captain America birthday party for weeks!)

Related: I was showing Emerald costumes on Party City's website, asking what she wanted to be--Minnie Mouse? Strawberry Shortcake? A princess?

She yells, "no, mama--I gonna be...CAP'N AMERICA!"

After some thought, she adds, "Gaby can be Thor and Benjamin is Spider-Man!" (Avenger's Assemble?)

Emerald has been throwing a lot of fits lately--hazards of being a three year old. As I laid her down for nap, she whispers "Mama, I so sorry for screaming. I can be better..."

Getting better at bargaining, probably due to all the "Pawn Stars" she watches with us; I told Emerald she could have bubbles if she poops in the potty. She squints at me and says "Bubbles First".

This will be humiliating to her one day, but that's a very good reason to remember it, lol.

Emerald was sitting on the potty when I hear her yelling "Mom, help!! I need a doctor!!" (Drama queen!)

Actually very sad: I told Emerald I loved her recently, and she said "why?" :-(

Emerald: Mommy, I can't pick you up cause you too heavy, so you gonna hafta pick me up.

She's been asking me to sing to her recently, and she sings to me more as well. My favorites:

"If I crash and crash and burn, I not alone?"

"I like the Sausage Man! What the boy's name? Is it Gabriel? Gaby, sausage is not for the floor, it's for eating!"

"Mama, I can fly! I fly like a G-6!" (You are so not listening to your Daddy's music anymore!)

"Can anybody find me sumbody to love?"

Emerald hugged my protruding belly and said "I love you Benji-Bubba"

I was stressing out, worried about silly little things, when Emerald came up and whispered, "It's okay, Mama--you can pray if you want to".

(Emerald:) Mama, that's gross--I don't want dirty cheerios.

(Me:) -sigh- they're not dirty, they're cinnamon

The following are contributed by Grannymom: =)

On the way from her house to our house Emerald said: Where is your friend dad-dad?

I said: He’s at work.

She said: does your friend live with you?

Pulled into driveway, I open the garage door: she says: Home again, Home again, giggidy gig. (I’ve said that a couple of times before…..she picked it up quick!)

In garage she says: Grannymom, you have a rake.

Yes I do. What do you do with a rake?

Rolling her eyes, she says: you rake leaves with a rake Grannymom.

Amniocentesis

2011-08-29T09:41:00.001-07:00

That test I've been yapping about for the last few weeks--the amniocentesis--was actually scheduled and performed today, and we just got the results back.

Michael took off from work to take me. There are somethings that I am just a baby about and the amnio is one of them...

Basically, Dr. Hales (the specialist OB we see) inserts a thin needle through all the way into my uterus and extracts amniotic fluid from around the baby. The lab then tests the fluid to see if the baby's lungs are developed enough to be born.

Ken watched Emerald and Gabriel for us while Michael took me. He stopped and got me a big cup of Sonic ice on the way, which turned out to be a bit of a mistake because the office was so cold I was shivering uncontrollably. Probably partially due to nerves--some women say that the test doesn't hurt at all; others that it is just a little uncomfortable pinch...I am one of the ones that experiences painful menstrual-like cramps around what feels like the biggest needle in the world. Like I said, I am super immature about it, but it hurts and I don't want to go through it alone, so having Michael there was wonderful.

Unfortunately, my fluid levels were low again which made it difficult to find a good place to take. I have an anterior placenta that lays on top across my right side, which meant that they had to put the needle through the placenta to do the test. Just makes it hurt more and made me bleed a little, I hope it's okay.

After the test, which went very quickly, we had the NST. This is the first one Ben had trouble with--he was lethargic, but as Beth pointed out...it's Monday, everyone is moving slow this morning!

Now I am home and I hurt and I'm exhausted from not sleeping last night, so Mike is letting me laze about. He's nice like that.

The nurse called about an hour after we left:

One number came back positive, but the other was not, so the c-section was pushed back to Sunday, September 4th at 9am.

Okay, seriously: who does planned surgeries on a Sunday?! I sounded so stupid, because I repeated "Sunday?" on the phone with the nurse like five times.

So, I guess we are having little Ben on Sunday, which puts me coming home from the hospital on Wednesday, the day the kids start daycare. I have a Dr. Killeen appointment on Tuesday, an NST on Thursday, and then we have a baby.

How we are feelings:

Kids don't care. What did you expect? They have no idea what is going on, lol.

Michael is fine no matter what day we have the baby; he's agreeable. He was going to start his vacation on Wednesday, but I guess he will hold off until a week from today (since he all ready has Sunday off).

Me? Sure, I'm uncomfortable. My fingers are officially too big to wear my wedding ring, and I haven't had a good night's sleep in months. But Benjamin is my priority--if they told me that he needed another month, then that's what we'd do. I wouldn't risk the health of my little boy just to make it easier on myself.

Sunday has the added benefit of being the day that my parents come into town--they will probably miss the actual birth (unless the hospital is running WAY behind that day, lol), but they will be here for our hospital stay and coming home and everything. No idea what I am going to do about Emerald's birthday party...won't think about that right now. We'll take care of her; she'll have a great birthday.

Anyways, that's my update. I'm going to go take a nap.

6 more days is our new goal!

--Andie--

My Husband

2011-08-26T15:10:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling affectionate toward Michael lately--I get this way before I have the kids, because I feel so blessed and lucky to have such a great husband and friend in him, and having a baby together bonds you like no other. When the sleepless nights, waning patience, and short fuses of having a newborn takes over, it's nice to be able to look back and see all the things that make me just plain ol' like the guy.

So! Here, in no particular order (and far from all-inclusive list), are 20 things I love about my Mike!

Regardless of the circumstances, no matter how he feels about me at the time or whether I deserve it or not, Michael always treats me with respect.
Every day, he makes me beautiful, cherished, and loved.
No matter what we are doing, we always have fun together; he can always make laugh.
He works very hard at jobs he doesn’t like to provide for me and the kids, sticking with it even when it gets really discouraging.
He truly adores his children, and is an amazing father; Emerald and Gabriel worship him, and even ECI raves about how great he is with them.
He knows the most random, interesting things and it’s entertaining to listen to him talk; even if he doesn’t know about something, he can usually make up something pretty believable ;)
Though I know how important a clean house is to him, he has never made me feel bad or gotten angry at me for not keeping a tidy house—when I am able to get stuff done, he always notices and thanks me; when I don’t, he never says a negative word about it J
He genuinely gets along with my family, and makes a conscious effort to form bonds with them, and I think they all like him too.
He is intellectually my equal (or maybe even smarter than I am), so we have the best discussions over every topic imaginable.
. He is a good Christian man that comes from a good Church of Christ family; we share the same beliefs (for the most part; there are small things we disagree on, but he respects my views and I respect his) and agree how we want to handle our children’s spiritual development.
For the most part, on most subjects, we agree and see eye to eye including our priorities and how we want to raise the kids; but even when we don’t, we have civilized discussions and come to compromises peaceably. He would never demean my point of view and keeps an open mind, sincerely listening to me.
He is never too busy to listen to me pratter, chatter, complain, vent, rant, babble, or talk just for the sake of talking (and ask anyone that knows me—that is no small feat!)
Even though he doesn’t like pets and doesn’t want them, he humors me in letting me have cats, and takes out their litter box so I don’t have to.
I love his dorky taste in music, and how he gets into it singing and dancing with me and the kids J
He never judges me, even when I say or think something just awful. I can be a negative, grumpy, pessimistic person and he doesn’t look down on me for that.
Even at his angriest (and he can get pretty angry), he has never demeaned or belittled me in any way; he never swears or calls me names or yells, or loses control of his temper. I don’t worry that this argument might end us because there has never been a situation it felt like we couldn’t work through.
I trust him fully, and he reciprocates--though we live together, we are able to maintain and respect one another’s privacy. He doesn’t burst in on me in the bathroom, dig through my emails or texts (though he has access to my laptop, phone, and all my passwords), or otherwise act paranoid or jealous; and I don’t feel the need to invade his privacy either.
No matter how tired he is, he helps out after he gets home with whatever I need help with around the house, even if it is just letting me have a break from the kids.
He’s super supportive of anything I want to do, willing to do what he can to help me achieve my goal and rooting for every step of the way.
He makes me feel very safe; not just because he is my protector and I know he would do anything to defend me and the kids, but because he refuses to let me feel or act like a victim. He taught me how to stand up for myself, to not back down, and to fight if I need to J

Mike is a pretty neat fella. I am really lucky to have him!!

--Andie!--

On the Sunny Side of Life

2011-08-23T19:07:00.000-07:00

I am letting worry and frustration and depression get to me tonight, which is not doing me or anyone else any favors, so I am going to talk about the things that make me happy.

A couple nights ago, Emerald asked if she could sleep in her big girl bed.

Since Gabriel sleeps in our bed, Emerald has been doing the jealousy thing and wanting to sleep in a pallet beside our bed. It has been a problem because I have to get up to pee about a thousand times a night, and her pallet makes it difficult to walk around the room to get to the bathroom.

But the other night she asked if she could sleep in her big girl bed, so I helped her clean up and set up her room, put her blankets on her bed, pick out a few stuffed animals to lay down with her...we did the whole bedtime routine thing where they take a bath, I sing a few songs to them, we read a book, say prayer, and have hugs and kisses time before they go to sleep.

She laid awake for a while, but as soon as Michael kissed her goodnight, she fell right to sleep and stayed there all night! She didn't get out of bed until I woke her up at 8 the next morning.

Ever since then, she has slept in her room--she is very proud of being on her own. I am a little more skittish with her sleeping so far away, but I'll get over it.

Other good things...Gabriel keeps trying to talk. It isn't consistent, but sometimes he will try and say "hi" or mimic Mike saying "I love you!". He is putting more effort into socializing, being more affectionate, and much more engaged. I think it's because he is getting a lot more of his sensory needs met, but we are all very grateful--it is nice to see Gabriel making some progress.

We did his yearly evaluation with ECI (I may have mentioned it before) but it shows that he has been improving across the board, in all developmental fields. In motor skills, he is actually advanced for his age! His progress is about 5-7 months in each area. It is really encouraging to see these things because it is so, so easy to get caught up in what he is not doing that it feels like we are just treading water, not moving forward at all.

Despite all my pregnancy woes, Benjamin is doing fantastically. He is growing well, always passes his NST's with no trouble at all...he is healthy and beautiful and perfect. This is the best that I could hope and pray for. Who cares what happens to me--I can handle it--but I don't want it negatively affect my little boy. Thankfully, it is not.

Michael's work has been super understanding with letting him take time off of work to be with me for doctor's appointments and to stay home and help me. They are a wonderful set of people, and I am happy most days that Michael works there. I know it is not his dream job, or even one he enjoys, but they do take good care of us, and they are so flexible and agreeable. We never have to worry that Michael will lose his job because he had to choose to be with me over going into work one day. Obviously if he is not there, he is unable to sell so we want to keep that to a minimum, and we don't want to lose the faith of the management so we would never abuse the privilege, but it is nice to know that if we need it, we don't have to be afraid to ask.

I am selfishly thankful that Beth has not had to move out of town yet. I know it is coming, and I will not make it worse for her having to leave when the time comes, but I have really loved having her here near us. She spent so much time away--in New York, in Austin--that for a stretch of a few years there, we never got to see one another, and it has been just amazing to have her just a few minutes away. And for right now, she is still here! And there stands a good chance that she will still be here when I finally have this baby beast. I have some amazing friends, I really do, and having them in town has made me spoiled, but I love having them around.

We have had a ton of help from Michael's family, and I could not be more grateful for that. Worrying about who will watch the kids while we go to yet another doctor's appointment would have been an added stress that frankly we could not handle, but Grannymom and Ken and Rhonda have been amazing. I am really appreciative that they live here, too :) Plus, Emerald and Gabriel just adore seeing them more often. You can see their sweet little faces light up whenever Grannnymom walks through the door, and that means so much to me.

Finally, my parents are going to be here on the 4th of September! I didn't want them to miss out like they did with Gabriel and just end up seeing a fat, pregnant, and cranky me. They will be such a big help, and to be honest, I need my Mommy and Daddy on big things like this. I would like to live them forevers, but I am grateful for anytime that I get with them at all. And in October, my Amber will be coming down with Grayson; Jarrod and Julia are planning on coming to visit...I couldn't be happier. I am blessed to have such a wonderful family, and getting them to come and visit me is just the best. I can't wait to see all of them.

It's 10 now and I really should be heading to bed. Feeling a bit better about life and everything--I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am not going to be an ingrate. God really has blessed us.

So toodleoo and goodnight!

--Andie--

Hectic Tuesday

2011-08-23T15:18:00.000-07:00

Okay, so today we had like a million appointments because it is getting so close to the end of the pregnancy, so I am going to try and keep this as brief as possible.

I am the most contrary pregnant woman on the face of the planet. It's true.

My first doctor's appointment was with Dr. Killeen, just a routine check-up. When I went in there, the nurse gave me iron supplements because I am "borderline anemic". (I hate the word borderline now). Anemia means that my iron is low, which increases my chances of having a blood transfusion during or after delivery. Neat.

When Dr. Killeen came in the room, he wanted to talk to me about my platelet count. I had thought this was related to the low iron, but I was mistaken. Apparently I have what is known as pregnancy related idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura. For some inexplicable reason, I have started to create an antibody that is destroying my platelets--the element of my blood that

causes it to clot.

Once again, this is just borderline--it would be more worrisome if it were lower, but I fall into the category of having the condition. Apparently, not a really big deal since the protocol for when you discover ITP is to perform a c-section, which I am having anyway. Doesn't make any sense to me--she is having trouble clotting? Slice her open!--but Dr. Killeen explained it's because the antibodies can be transferred to the baby during delivery, causing a hematoma. The pediatrician will have to keep an eye on Benjamin after he is born for that reason.

Symptoms of ITP are bruising easily and bleeding excessively when cut, which we have actually noticed and not cared about in the last several months. So, not a big deal, but something else the doctor worries about. They check my platelets every week until I have the baby and if the numbers don't go up, they give me a shot to help.

Because of all that and the nagging gestational diabetes crap, Dr. Killeen said that at the very latest Ben will delivered Friday of next week. We are still scheduled for Tuesday (the 31st), but if he fails the amnio then I will be given a steroid shot and we will have him Thursday or Friday (the 1st or 2nd).

Straight from that appointment we did the blood work (whoot) and went to Dr. Hales office, where we did the NST. Benjamin is always great for those, so it went quickly and looked great. Immediately after the NST, we had a Dr. Hales appointment.

Benjamin's about 6 lbs, 9 oz--the same weight Emerald and Gabriel were when they were born. Of course, they can't measure fat so who knows exactly how big this kid is, but it looks like he's going to be perfect :)

Now the bad news. Because of COURSE there is bad news. I am the world's suckiest pregnant lady, remember? A great big danged inconvenience.

The nurse grew concerned as she was taking measurements, and went to call Dr. Hales in. Apparently, my amniotic fluid is low.

What the heck!?

Common side effect of gestational diabetes: high amniotic fluid levels. High; not low. Just like another side effect is gaining too much weight, and I still can't gain a pound. Everything about me is backwards.

Dr. Hales said if the baby had been a girl, I would have left his office and gone straight to be delivered. Thank goodness it's not a girl!! But because boys develop slower, we don't want to risk taking him too early, especially without having done an amnio.

They were going to go ahead and do the amniocentesis today, which made me nervous (those things HURT), but Dr. Hales was certain that it would be a waste of time since Benjamin would fail. Little guy just isn't quite there yet.

So for the next few days, I am supposed to relax and take it easy, drink a ton of water, and have another sonogram on Friday when I have my NST. There are three possible outcomes:

1) My fluid will be back to normal. If it is, we will do the amnio on Monday, as originally planned.

2) My fluid will be the same as it was today, still a little low, and they will perform the amnio on Friday.

3) My fluid will be lower than it was today. They will admit me to the hospital where I will have to stay for the weekend and have the amnio as planned on Monday.

Why can't we just agree that my body is weird and does weird things and ignore it?! Why's everything got to be a deal?!

I have no idea what they mean by "take it easy". Hopefully it includes banging my head against a wall, because that's what I feel like doing. If this is not God's way of telling me I am a lousy pregnant lady, I just don't know what is.

Anyways, didn't mean to complain. Just frustrated. Next week at some point, Mike and I will have a new baby boy. Very excited, can't wait.

~Andie~

Obstetrician Tuesday

2011-08-16T14:22:00.000-07:00

Today, we finished the enrollment process for Emerald to be in Head Start, which was pretty boring and unnecessary--just some paperwork, blah blah, whatever. We took Emerald just in case we needed her there (which we didn't) and left Gabriel with Grannymom. Emerald was so excited to be able to go out with Mommy and Daddy and just her; she wore the cutest outfit that we just got her for school!!!

That only lasted about an hour or so, and after that we came home and ate lunch and I got ready to go to my Dr. Killeen appointment this afternoon. Dr. Killeen is my primary obstetrician. We were hoping maybe they would give us estimate on when the baby would be due.

The office was incredibly efficient today--Dr. Killeen was leaving to do a c-section but had to see me before he went, so I got called back and into a room and done all very quickly. I like that he never makes me feel rushed though; he showed me all the things I wanted to see on the sonogram and answered all my questions before having to go. I didn't feel shortchanged.

Still haven't gained a pound, which leaves my net gain at about 2-3 lbs, but nobody really cares at this point. Ben is growing, nearly 6 lbs at this point, so who cares if I am not packing it on? Blood pressure has returned to normal since I have gotten my blood sugar (mostly) under control. I tend to overshoot things and have low blood sugar, but that is a much easier fix than high blood sugar (in my opinion).

Dr. Killeen did bring up that my platelet count was low, meaning that (as I apparently was with the last two pregnancies....huh? Why did nobody mention this before?) I am borderline anemic, so I have to get blood work done every week until I have the baby now. I don't really care about that--not a huge deal--but I asked the nurse why it mattered; she told me it just increases my likelihood of needing a blood transfusion after the baby is born. Oh. Huh. Well...I guess I will start upping my iron intake.

I asked Dr. Killeen the million dollar question: When can we expect our little belly-bumbler to make his grand debut?

Looking at my chart, he said with the borderline anemia and the gestational diabetes thing, and this being my third pregnancy and us not wanting to go into labor...with a positive amniocentesis, we are scheduled for the 30th of August.

All right, coo...hold the phone.

The 30th?

You mean two weeks from today the 30th?!

This kind of took me aback; we weren't expecting him until like September 9th or something! Maybe the 2nd at the earliest, but....but THIS MONTH?!?!

So now I am having the amnio on the 29th, and am scheduled to have Ben by c-section on the 30th if it comes back that the little fella is breathing. It's partially good news--we were wanting a specific date and I am not wanting to be pregnant for too much longer; but I worry about if my parents will be able to make it out on such short notice, ya know? Or what if they do pull it off and come out here expecting the baby to be here on the 30th, and it turns out that he needs to bake a little bit longer (like Gabriel had to)?

After leaving Dr. Killeens I had to go do my requisite blood test, which took me from the fifth floor down to the first. It was frustrating because the lady sat there gabbing for 15-2o minutes while we waited...she was waiting for a third patient to come in so that she could just take us all back at once and draw right in a row, bam bam bam.

I couldn't help but think--wouldn't it go faster if you didn't waste time standing around not doing crap? And what if no third patient comes in for a good long while? You gonna have empty chairs back there and us waiting for 2 hours so that it's quicker for you? Ugh.

With that finally taken care of, I had to head BACK up from the first floor to the third, to Dr. Hales office, so that I could take my first Non-Stress Test (NST).

An NST is to monitor the baby, see how their heartbeat handles change, monitor contractions and fetal movement...things of that nature so that we can assure ourselves that our little baby is good and ready to be born. I don't know what they would do if he were unready. Leave him in there?

I actually like the NST's. I get to lay back in a really comfortable recliner; they bring me a drink and have cable for me to watch. The room is warm and cozy...I just have two sensors attached to my belly, one to my finger, and a button to press whenever the baby moves. Takes about 30 minutes or so, and it is just very peaceful. Well, sometimes. It's less peaceful when your husband is over there cracking jokes =P Nah, I was happy to have him there =)

So that is what happened today. We're having NST's twice a week now, as well as blood work, for the rest of the pregnancy, which is apparently just two more weeks!

Ack! There is so much to do, and I'm not ready!!

--Andie--

Changes

2011-08-15T15:02:00.001-07:00

It seems like everything is changing lately. Even the kids are picking up on it--they know something is on the horizon, but they can't quite figure out what it is.

Poor Gabriel is emotionally beginning to cling to me more than ever; he is fussier and lays awake late into the night. He can tell that something is coming, but he lacks the words to understand exactly what life has in store, and it frightens him.

Emerald is more sensitive than ever. Today she cried at nap time, asking when Daddy was coming back home. She is very concerned that she be beautiful, a pretty girl, and that people see her that way, becoming distraught when Cassie (the speech therapist for Gabriel) was coming over because she wasn't happy with her look. It is actually quite heart-breaking, trying to convince her that she is gorgeous, to help her see what Michael and I see--that she is the most amazing girl, inside and out.

Little changes I think they will handle okay.

For example, the next time we go to the doctor, it won't be Dr. Stripling, but Dr. Dalton....but I don't think it will make a significant difference to either of them, because Gabriel has met with so many different physicians over the last year that I would be surprised if he recognized Stripling anyway.

Today was Cassie's last day--as of Friday, we will be meeting with Julie for Gabriel's speech therapy. But we are going to keep being friends with her even though she won't be coming over every week any more, so it's not like we won't see ever see her again. He may take a while to warm up to Julie, but that is not a major deal.

In a matter of weeks, Emerald will begin Head Start and Gabriel will start at Bright Horizons. Gabriel went to BH all last year and goes to church in the same building, so he will get right back into the swing of things, especially since it is only 2 days a week. And I am guessing that Emerald's reading "Getting Ready for Preschool" book every day for the last month and because she will adore going, it will make her ridiculously happy.

Obviously there is the big change that we are dancing around. Neither of the kids are going to take well to having a new baby in the house. Crying during the night, taking away Mommy and Daddy's attention, people coming over to see the baby, sharing toys....it is not going to be either of their favorites. But we will help them cope. We are reading Social Stories about Mommy going away and coming back with a baby until they get used to the idea; and when they realize that we don't love them any less just because we have a new little one, they will be much happier with the arrangement.

I worry I wasn't sensitive enough when Gabriel was born for Emerald. We didn't really bother explaining anything to her; she went from sleeping every night since she was born in my arms to Mommy suspiciously disappearing for three days...I worry it did damage to our relationship, and that may be why she is not as close to me. But she has always been much more independent than Gabriel; she could always take me or leave me and not give it a second thought. She didn't even seem that excited to see me when she visited me in the hospital. I worry that I just assumed at the time that she was going to be okay, but she really hasn't been and that she is still hurting for more attention and affection from me. Maybe her and I will start a girly day every week where we watch girl movies and paint our toenails, eat chocolate, and just spend time with no boys. Just because I am not the most effeminate thing on the face of the planet doesn't mean that Emerald needs to suffer for it. Maybe we could invite Glo and make an event of it =)

Today, I actually got a surprising amount of things accomplished. Michael is frustrated with me because I don't want to make decisions lately....but I feel in charge of so much that it exhausting and overwhelming and I want to abdicate responsibility. Which of course is completely selfish and unrealistic, but I have been leaving things just unhandled so that I don't have to concern myself.

Anyways, Mike put his foot down--he doesn't want me pulling that crap any more. So I got up this morning with the intention of getting as much accomplished as possible without physically wearing myself out.

The first thing I did was called Bright Horizons and finished getting Gabriel enrolled, plus Emerald as a back-up, and to clarify that Benjamin would likely enroll in the Spring. They would like some guided direction for Gabriel's care, but honestly I think they will be more than fine--they have taken such good care of our kids for years now, and worked amazingly well with Gabriel last year, that I don't really think they need much direction.

We will explain about the fits that he has--the laughing, the staring, and the crying--and how to best handle them, emphasizing that even Michael and I are fairly impotent against them. We will pass on the suggestion from Dr. Driskell that he be encouraged to play with other kids, but that it be okay if he doesn't, highly praised if he does. The sensory issues and the running off, things of that nature we will bring up, but I think them figuring out what works out for their class and what works for him will be best. The only reason we are mentioning anything to his daycare is because we don't want them to think that he is a bad kid or a trouble maker--I also don't want them to think of him as callous. He's really not. He is incredibly sensitive and wants people to like him and play with him, he just doesn't know how to engage.

Anyways, Michael dropped off all that paperwork for me this afternoon so that is resolved.

I also called my doctor's office and rescheduled one of my appointments. Sometimes I accidentally overbook ourselves; this time, I was having trouble moving this appointment because Dr. Hales is always full up, but I got a good appointment time for next week right after my Dr. Killeen. This week I need to see Dr. Killeen so that he can tell me when I am having this baby--I am hoping for a strong, firm date, which I haven't been offered yet.

Then I called Head Start to set up an appointment for tomorrow to finish the paperwork for Emerald's enrollment. It was actually quite frustrating because the receptionist told me that they would call me back and they never did. When I called back with the same request as before, I got attitude from her saying there were no appointments available and that I probably cost Emerald her place in Head Start...they were supposed to get back to a month ago and they didn't! Anyways, when they called back I was informed they had appointments at 8.30, 10, 11, 1...in my head, I am seething because there appear to be a ton of available appointments, which means the receptionist was trying to hassle me =/

So I got that all set up, and Emerald is almost fully in Head Start! It will be a very good program for her =)

I had two more phone calls after that, the most exhausting and time consuming of all those I had made today, but I got appointments with those as well, which is really giving myself more work in the long run, but they will benefit the family I think.

The kids and I cleaned up a bit and made pizza and hot wings for lunch...they were quite delicious, but I forgot how much more susceptible to heartburn. Nap was miserable. I needed a nap very much but was unable to get one because Emerald refused flat out to sleep. I am still pretty angry, but it was her bad choice to make.

That's our discipline program right now--Good Choices and Bad Choices.

Good Choices result in rewards, such as praise, money, privileges, special treats, and Mommy and Daddy being happy. We talk about what good came from the Good Choice, like if Emerald shares with Gabriel, then we point out how happy she made him and how they don't fight and how he shares his toys with her then. Bad Choices result in punishments, such as swats, time-outs, toy time-outs, privileges being taken away, and hurt feelings. If Emerald makes the Bad Choice to not take a nap, we point out that she is cranky and sleepy for the rest of the day, that Mommy couldn't take a nap and is sleepy and cranky and unhappy, and that Gabriel gets juice for snack but she has to water. Little things like that.

It actually works pretty effectively--a temper tantrum results in leaving the store, so why would she want to make the choice to leave the store?--but the finer points of it may be lost on Gabriel. We are working on it.

Sorry if I am growing a little incoherent. Mommy actually really needed that nap today. Yesterday both the kids refused to take a nap, so I missed out there even though I was falling asleep at the helm (so to speak). We tried to put them to bed early, but Emerald refused; Gabriel took a miniature 30 minute nap and was then up until 11.30. I finally get everyone asleep and sneak off to take a bath to help my back feel a bit better when I hear a faint knocking at the door. Gabriel was laying outside the bathroom falling asleep on the floor waiting for me to lay down with him. He then proceeded to lay awake next to me until past 3.

As I said earlier, Emerald refused to take a nap at nap time, so here I am more exhausted than ever, eyelids drooping and realizing that this is probably just good preparation for the sleepless nights ahead.

But I did at least get a great deal accomplished today. We had our last Speech Therapy today with Cassie; I am really going to miss seeing her every week. But I am happy for her that she is having a baby and that she is able to take the time off to be with her little one. Not all mothers are that lucky, I know.

I think I am rambling at this point. I probably did not have a reason to be writing in the first place but that is neither here nor there.

Falling asleep despite my best intentions to the contrary. I am going to try taking the kids outside again--we went out this morning, much to the children's delight. I think we could all benefit from the sunshine and fresh air.

--Sleeping on the Couch--

Why I Love My Children: What I Love about Gabriel (pt 1)

2011-08-10T16:54:00.001-07:00

As explained in the previous post, this is actually an introduction to a series of posts about “Why I Love My Children: What I Love about Gabriel”. I began writing this particular post because I was sliding down a very slippery slope. You see, I was seeing Gabriel as what he was not. With all the focus lately going toward his oddities and peculiarities, to what he was unable to do, all the behaviors that were so worrisome…my view of him was becoming skewed and distorted by fear for the future. Cassie—his speech therapist—saw the strain that was weighing on me and encouraged me to make a list of things that I love about Gabriel, the things that he is great at. This is where these posts all started. I found when I started writing about how much I loved my little man, I couldn’t stop. There is so much that is beautiful about him—he was fearfully and wonderfully made after all (Psalms 139: 14). Anyways, once again—I hope you enjoy these posts. J

Why do I love Gabriel?

That seems like a no-brainer to most people. They will say that I love him because I am his mother—it is as natural as breathing, a compulsion I could no more control than the ever-present wind. Simply put, I love him because he is my son.

But you see, I disagree.

Narcissism and nature will only get you so far. It will cause you to protect the fetus as he grows inside you; to push you through the physical pain and trauma of childbirth.

When you are faced with this tiny, demanding, inexplicable creature—when he goes from being an abstract dream to being a real, live human being with a personality all their own—the whole dynamic of your relationship changes. Similar to the way it happens when you fall in love with your spouse: the glamour of infatuation wears off and you are stuck with the gritty reality of who they are, for better or worse. The best you can hope for is that when the dust settles, that stranger in your house is someone you think you could live with for the rest of your life.

Gabriel had a head start with me though. You see, I had met and fallen in love with his big sister all ready. We had been through that transitional period where we are unsure and insecure and had come out the other side, completely and utterly taken with one another. When Gabe was born, I knew that if he was anywhere near as beautiful and amazing as Emerald is, I wouldn’t be able to resist tumbling head over heels for him.

That was nearly two and a half years ago, however. Two years of observing the minute details of his personality, his quirks and peculiarities. Two years of the nagging doubts, sleepless nights, and paralyzing fear, knowing in my heart that there was something amiss with my little boy and needing to know the answer, but terrified where our searching would lead. But most of all, two years of spending time with him and watching him grow and falling hopelessly and irreversibly in love with his heart, his mind, his soul….with who Gabe is. All that observation, and I still think he is one of God's greatest creations, and certainly one of the most amazing things that has ever happened (or will ever happen) to me and Michael.

Why I Love My Children: What I Love about Emerald (pt 1)

2011-08-10T16:41:00.001-07:00

This is the introduction to “Why I Love My Children: What I Love about Emerald”—kind of the lead-in for future posts about the many glorious aspects of my beautiful daughter. With so much negativity, stress, and worry prevalent in my posts, I do not want to overlook how very lucky we are. I view myself as a bit of the family scribe—the keeper of the archives that one day we will be able to look back on and see how far we have come…it is important to me that it not just be the tedium of our every day comings and goings, or the trials that we are faced with. One day, I will want to look back and remember who we were; and to show the kids how their mother sees them. So, that is really the purpose of these posts. Hopefully you find them as meaningful and accurate as I do =)

I have been told time and time again that a mother falls in love with her child the moment he or she is born, part of God’s design and nature’s intent to protect the next generation. But that wasn’t the experience I had.

Many will claim that it was because I had an unnatural birth—a cesarean section that did not allow for the rush of hormones that bonds the mother and child irrevocably—but at the first meeting of my only daughter, the overwhelming emotion that I felt was confusion. It is a very odd sensation to be introduced to someone you feel you know intimately, that you know better than anyone else on the face of the planet could know them…and to realize that they are still a complete stranger, an unknown commodity. This was no longer a part of my body, something that I was creating, but a person in and of their own right.

Those first moments, I saw her with fresh eyes. I could objectively say that she was quite lovely. Thankfully, I missed the unattractive belly-filth that she had come into the world coated in, but all ready wiped off and wrapped in a blanket, like a little gift to me. Her watermelon-colored lips were pouty and full; her eyes a smoky blue and intelligent. A light dusting of strawberry-blonde hair made her look like she was crackling with electricity on a head that was not warped or alien-esque like other babies’. What struck me is how much bigger she was than I had expected. I had imagined this teeny creature, supported by the doctor’s assertion that she was surely less than 5 pounds…but this was a hale and healthy looking child.

Over the next several days, in a pain and drug-induced daze (legal drugs, get your mind out of the gutter—I just had surgery) I began to really observe her. She looked so different from me. Her skin against mine was so pale. Why didn’t I see any of myself in her? Family kept insisting her glower was a dead-ringer for me, but I just couldn’t see it. I was fiercely protective of her, and genuinely quite fond of her, from her squeaky alternative to a sincere cry to the downy, substantial feel of her in my arms. But honestly, my mind was too confused to even grasp the concept that this was mine, something I would shape and develop over the years.

Don’t think me callous, please. Have you ever been petting a cat only to be struck with the realization…this is a living creature? Maybe it is just me, since before I became a mother I was a bit of a robot. I would much rather figure out why people think and act as they do then to actually interact with them.

The weeks that followed Emerald’s birth were a blur of sleeplessness, unaccustomed frailty, and adjustments. Not to mention that I was planning my wedding at the time…I spent every waking (and sleeping) moment with my infant, but I didn’t feel like I was getting the hang of it, like I was getting to know her. What was I doing wrong? Was I just an emotionless monster?

One night, up late at my parents’ house making wedding invitations and drinking pots of coffee to stay awake, I unthinkingly nursed Emerald as I always did. It’s like we both realized at the same time that I had an ungodly amount of caffeine inside me and was now passing it to her, because we both began to laugh. It was her first real laugh—more of a throaty chuckle then a belly laugh—but we bonded. In that moment, I fell in love with her. All my fears that I was incapable of maternal love fled.

From then on, every day I loved her more. I was getting to know her as an individual, and I realized how much I just genuinely LIKED her. She was smart and sweet, curious, and never upset for long. It was magical, getting to watch her grow and develop and come into her own.

Many years have passed since then—she is nearly four years old now, and I can confidently say that Michael and I know her better than any other living person. It won’t always be like this, I know—one day, her best friend of the week will know more about who she is because she has shut me out of her head—but for right now, I know who she is inside and out. And it is that person that I love.

Jarrod and Julia Come to Visit

2011-08-08T18:06:00.000-07:00

We were incredibly lucky this week to have Jarrod and Julia come to visit--hurrah!!!

Wednesday, I cleaned all day and did all the laundry because I knew they were planning on heading down the next day. Unfortunately that night, I experienced the worst pain I have during any pregnancy. While worrisome, I wrote it off as having over-exerted myself that day and went to bed.

Thursday, Michael had an awful day at work. Just him having to deal with the worst turds of humanity kind of customers, so he is was in a very bad mood. I was able to finish cleaning up before they got here at 4, bringing my wonderful and precious nephew, Andrew.

That night was pretty quiet as far as things go. Jarrod made us really tasty chicken fajita tacos, which I know--makes me the worst host ever to have him come here to cook for us. But to be fair, he is a fantastic cook, and anything he makes would be better than the mediocrity I churn out.

I started hurting again that night. The night before a bath had gone a long way to making me feel better, so I tried that again, but it actually made it much worse. I was growing quite concerned by this point, so I texted my mom. She wanted me to call the doctor. Meh!!

Michael called in to work on Friday for two main reasons: 1) Jarrod and Julia never get to visit and he didn't want to spend the entire time they were here working; and 2) because he was too worried about me to want to be far away. I felt bruised from the pain the night before, but it wasn't still happening, so I was trying to take it easy.

Friday we took the kids to Maxey Park, which was blissfully empty but painfully warm. Gabriel and I swung together and Emerald had a fantastic time on everything. The lake is horribly drying up, and it looked and smelled pretty awful. It makes me sad because normally you would get the ducks and geese and everything, but now you have receding shoreline, cracked and parched earth that is littered with sodden trash. It was revolting.

Michael got paid that morning, so we introduced Jarrod and Julia to Five Guys Burgers and Fries for lunch and watched an episode of Pawn Stars. After lunch, Julia laid down with Andrew and I laid down with my monsters while Michael and Jarrod went out and about. While my babies were laying down, I called the on-call nurse to ask about the pain that I had been experiencing. She was not from the office I frequent, and sounded uncertain and would have preferred me to head to labor and delivery to be careful. But she told me that it could be a number of things, like uneven distribution of the baby or early contractions. Her recommendation was for me to take a little bed rest, drink lots of water, wear my maternity belt when I was up and about, and to go to labor and delivery just in case.

Well, I did what I could. I have visitors, plus two very active toddlers...bed rest and l&d are just not happening. Sorry, but I just can't swing it.

The funny thing was that we couldn't find Remy all that day. That is normal--Remy usually hides out whenever we have visitors. That is normal for him to not come out for a while because guests stress him out. Well, that night we still hadn't found the little bugger, even when we had looked, so I was getting worried. Michael heard a faint mewing from the kids' closet...he had been locked in there since I had hung Emerald's dresses up on Wednesday!! Poor thing was so traumatized.

Julia, Emerald, and I went out while all the boys stayed home so that I could pick up some groceries. It was nice to be able to get out of the house and have girl time. Jarrod and I made a bolognese pasta thing that night, plus salad, garlic bread, and peas. It was a really tasty meal.

Once again that night, the pain started worse than it had ever been before. I was fetal, contemplating asking Jarrod to keep an eye on the kids while Michael took me to the hospital. Mike called into work and insisted the next day I take it easy or I go in to get checked out. I promised I would take it easy.

Saturday, I kept my word. I took it as easy as I could, didn't pick up the kids, wore the belt all day, and drank as much water as I could stomach. My ultimate goal was to get to go out for drinks with the girls that afternoon. Of course I was feeling much better, but the worst of the pains are always at night, so Mike hesitantly let me wander away with Julia and Beth =D

We went to Bahama Bucks and I got a sugar-free strawberry cheesecake shaved ice plus two big cups of ice...I was trying to keep up with my water intake as much as possible. Michaela met us there, and it was really fun. I never get to see Beth anymore because she works and it makes me sad in my heart; it was awesome getting to hang out with her.

Another trip to wal-mart that got me a glucometer, and then we headed home. We made frozen pizzas and watched "Scott Pilgrim" which they all seemed to enjoy. I only made it about halfway through before I went off for another bath. I seem to be relying on baths more and more to help me ache less. Luckily, by then I was feeling much better, just a little battered after nights and nights of pretty horrible pain.

Sunday morning, we got up and went to church. Class always sparks a great deal of conversation between me and Mike about the subjects discussed and other people's views, and it was nice to have Jarrod and Julia toss in to the discussions, too. For lunch, we went out to Shogun's Hibachi Grill, which was blissfully not busy and as always, delicious. Emerald adored their soup, even asking for a second bowl, but wouldn't touch the actual dinner. Gabriel didn't eat anything and seemed genuinely offended when the chef did the onion on fire thing. He was not amused, lol.

Jarrod and Julia and Andrew had to head back home after lunch. It was a wonderful visit--I really love that whole family, they are wonderful to have around. I wish we could live in the same town as them and see them all the time.

Well, it's about that time to put the kids to sleep, so I will wrap it up for the night.

~Andie~

Company Picnic at Joyland

2011-08-08T16:46:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again--the annual Scoggin-Dickey company picnic at the Six Flags of the South Plains, Joyland!

Okay, so Joyland kind of sucks. Also, it is over 100 degrees, in dusty Lubbock, and--oh yeah--I am heavily pregnant. But having a bad attitude about it is not going to change anything, so I put on my happy face and off we went!

Michael is a blessed man. He asked his mother and grandmother to go with us as well, which meant we had a whole extra four hands to help us wrangle the kids, plus two extra adults to help heft kids I can't carry and ride rides I can't get on.

I had told Emerald all day that after nap, we were going to go somewhere special. She was beyond excited. Gabriel of course could care less, but I knew he was going to have a good time.

Right now, I am going to interject: the pictures will come later. I am not positive where my camera is off the top of my head, so I will add a post of accompanying pictures when I can locate it. I swear, I am misplacing everything these days...

Back to my story at hand, Grannymom and Glo came and picked us up at around 6, and Michael showed up before I could get the kids and myself organized enough to leave, so he just rode with us.

Dinner, as always, was River Smith's Chicken and Catfish. I can't tell you how excited I was--I couldn't even remember how long it had been since I had fried catfish. They had fried catfish, fried chicken, beans, potato salad, coleslaw, hushpuppies, white bread, cookies, cherry and apple cobblers, plus tea to drink. Gabriel was so enthralled with the water ride behind our table, so he barely ate half a sugar cookie. Emerald was pretty good about eating some of the chicken and bread, but I couldn't expect too much from either of them--it was entirely too hot to stuff your face. Not that I didn't. I mean, come on--fried chicken.

After we got into the park, Michael took the kids on this car ride that goes around and around in circles and honks obnoxiously. I personally abhor going even near that ride because 1) I hate the annoying car sounds, and 2) the roller coaster right behind it is ridiculously and jarringly loud, and always gives me the worst headache.

After that, Grannymom and Rhonda took the kids on the carousel. Emerald adored the horse she rode--she would be quite the equestrian if we let her, so I hope to nurture that interest in her. Gabriel seemed to enjoy that as well.

From the carousel, we were all dragging a bit in the heat, so we headed for the train.

Oh, my goodness, but Gabriel loved that train. I was able to ride with him and see every joyous expression on his face as we went around the park, through tunnels...it was really sweet to be able to share that with him. Emerald and Michael rode together a few seats in front of us.

I wish I could have stuck it out longer, but I was melting by that point so we loaded up in the car and went back to Rhonda's house. Rhonda had just gotten back from visiting Ken in DFW, so she came bearing gifts!

Michael got some new work slacks; the kids got adorable new clothes for school; and I got jammies for the hospital and really cute jewelry =) It was really sweet of them to think of us on their vacation, and everything was so nice!

Thus ends another year's picnic. Looking forward to taking all three kids next year (ack!)!!

--Andie!!--

Off My Heart (and Off Topic)

2011-08-08T16:45:00.001-07:00

Last night I was pretty upset. I so very much wanted to write, but even the act itself was too painful. Since then I have transitioned into more of a numb, but with that dull ache that lingers long past the time you start pretending it’s not there.

Some things you just never expect to change.

Oh, you know that things evolve, grow, and develop over time—it is the very dynamic nature of life; but you expect the essence of what really matters to always be there, strong and fixed as nothing else stays. Of course you’re wrong. Since when does life stay static? How can it when everything else is changing? When it does happen, it feels like the floor falls out from underneath you, creating that pit in your stomach that jumps to your throat, the beginnings of fear.

I don’t know a person that hasn’t experienced it, and they all have a different way of describing the sensation: it’s like being slapped in the face, punched in the stomach, knocked on your ass…all attempting to express the same emotions: the hurt, betrayal, humiliation; the gut-wrenching disappointment and surprise. When the dust settles, the fear begins to set in, ask questions: are things ever going to be the same again? Is this my fault? Was I wrong? Can I ever forgive them?

The problem is that you have no control over some circumstances, and you have less control over other people. No matter how well you know them, people will always shock you. My mother has told me that you have to let them make their decisions and let them deal with the consequences, but I am so much less patient than she is. I want to shake them and berate them into making the right decision; when they dig in, I want to beat the common sense into their stupid heads. To realize that they don’t see things the same way I do…it kind of takes the wind out of my sails. When I stop fighting--when I feel like there is nothing left that I can do--that’s when the depression sets in. The fighting I can handle—at least that way I am doing something, still trying.

I guess it all comes back to the nature vs. nurture debate. I have never liked that dispute, personally. The entire purpose of it is to have somewhere to point the finger of blame for bad behavior or bad decisions. I would like to personally think we are all responsible for the decisions that we make, without the benefit of blaming the way we were raised or the natural tendencies genetically encrypted in us. The argument is, however, of special interest to me. I just can’t believe that somewhere inside me, inside Jarrod, inside Amber, are elements of Tim that we are powerless to repress. That someday, in some way, like the Hulk inside Bruce Banner, Tim will shine through us despite our lifelong striving to the contrary.

Maybe that is it—having the personality, the fortitude, the strength and integrity to never stop trying to rise above that little nugget of evil-potential inside of us. Some people have the tools to struggle against it, some people don’t.

I got off on a tangent there. Doesn’t really matter—I don’t know what I am getting at here anyway. Familial strife is to be expected. From what I hear, it happens in every family. And this whole thing was hardly unexpected, despite my denial. It was, in fact, long overdue in coming. The only thing that changed last night is that little last light—that feeble flickering of hope that my naivety held on to all this time that he might do the right thing, he might finally stand up and do what was right….that hope died.

Now that it is all out, it is time for it to go in its box and never be spoken of again. I’ll know it’s there, that little ache of something lost, but it is no longer a burden I wish to bear. It’s time to move on.

--Andie--

Communication

2011-08-08T11:02:00.000-07:00

How do you communicate when you have no words?

That has been a question that has been on my mind a great deal lately, but there are really two parts to it:

The first part is, Gabriel is unable to communicate to us. Without words or signs, he has to resort to crude invented gestures in an attempt to get what he wants or needs. He has a master poker face--it is difficult to get a read on what he is ever thinking.

Yesterday, late in the day I realized something: in our house, we offer food at meal times and snack times, and if the kids reject the proffered food, they wait until the next food time rolls around. We don't make a big deal of it, so they don't make a big deal of it--sometimes, they opt to forgo a certain meal because it looks less appetizing to them or because they are not feeling hungry, and we view that as their right. Here it was, however, at dinner time, and I noticed something. At breakfast, Gabriel had torn his waffle in half and fed it to the cats. At lunch time, he had not touched the chicken and rice on his plate. It was nearing 7 and all he had to eat that day was fruit snacks at snack time, and a great deal of water. Why wasn't he crying? Why wasn't he asking for food--bringing me boxes from the pantry or his pictures from the fridge; why was he in no way attempting to fulfill his need for sustenance? How had I gone all day without noticing that my little boy was hungry?

His lack of communication is hurting him, interfering with his life. We can be certain of that. Michael and I have both seen him dejectedly give up on a toy that another kid takes away because he doesn't know how to get it back. We have seen him sadly look on as other kids play together and he honestly doesn't know how to get their attention, to engage them to notice him. It breaks our hearts. Oh, I wish I control everything and make it so that he never felt left out or alone, but the fact of the matter is the only thing I can do is teach him these skills. I can intervene on his behalf, but he is not gaining anything by us rescuing him all the time.

Last night, Gabriel woke up screaming. For no apparent reason in the middle of the night, he began crying and fighting us. We tried everything in our parental arsenal to calm the poor fellow--we made him a sippy cup of warm milk, rocked him, sang to him, changed him, patted his back, rubbed his tummy...besides holding the milk as if scared it would disappear (but not drinking it), he continued with his broken sobs for well over an hour.

I called Dr. Driskell today in concern, and she said it is most likely a night terror. This is where the child does not wake up, but is rather still sleeping, still experiencing what is upsetting them. That means that they are difficult to console because they are non-responsive to outside stimuli, and that he probably won't remember it the next day. She gave us some tips for dealing with it in the future, but my heart aches for my little boy.

The other side of the communication dilemma--Gabriel is unable to communicate with us...but we are also unable to communicate with Gabriel.

I asked the Speech Therapist (Cassie) today if Gabe was able to understand us. She was hesitant to answer because it is difficult to determine exactly what is getting through and what is not, but based on his responsivity, we can assume:

He has some word association. If you say Glo, he knows we are talking about Rhonda. If you mention outside, he can run to the door. Saying snack will usually illicit movement toward the kitchen. He understands that some things have words attached to them, and he can recognize some of those words (names are probably the biggest ones).

But since he has so little emotional drive or social satisfaction out of others' approval, the complexities of speech are not something he grasps. He doesn't understand most directions or prompts, and a great deal of conversation is simply lost on him.

In a way, this answered the question I was so desperate but so afraid to ask:

Does Gabriel know that I love him?

I know that of course that is a tough concept for children to wrap their heads around, since it is so abstract. But I still tell him and try and show him every day that he and his sister and his brother mean the world to Mommy and Daddy. I guess what that means is that even if he does understand...he might not care.

That is my goal, then. Drawing Gabriel out--giving him the gift of communication. Helping him be able to get what he wants and needs without my help; to comprehend what others are telling him and be able to follow instructions; to not feel so alone. But most of all, I want him to know--be able to feel it is true--that his family loves him, and that nothing he will ever do will change that.

~Andie~

Why I Love My Children

2011-08-01T07:41:00.000-07:00

I have been experiencing a lot of stress and discouragement as a parent lately. To counteract this, at particular moments of despair or frustration, I have been writing entries about all the wonderful things about my babies--why, basically, I love them so much. I decided that maybe these wouldn't just benefit me, but for everyone to see them beyond the complaints of an over-stressed, over-tired mother. It would be nice to have some positive energy on this blog anyway.

All of this is to say: I am going to start semi-regular/when I particularly feel the drive posts about how glorious my children are. So, keep an eye out for that =)

1 Corinthians 10:13

2011-07-28T14:25:00.000-07:00

I wrote this last night, and then deleted it, deciding it was too personal for the blog. At prompting from Michael, however, I reconsidered. Please remember that it was written late at night, a culmination of every fear and thought pressing on a mother's heart--I am sincerely sorry if I offend anyone. --Andie

--“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it”--1 Corinthians 10:13 (New International Version)

Maybe I am completely misusing that verse to suit my purpose and point here; who knows--I will ask Michael when he wakes up in the morning. As it is, it is nearing midnight and I am completely unable to sleep. Blame pregnancy, hormones, stress, or Mike's fajita dinner that left me with wretched heartburn, but I am skulking about the Internet for something to do.

I have been feeling rather helpless lately.

Before, when we were meeting with all the specialists and everything, I felt like we were getting things done, ruling things out, moving forward. When we were handed the diagnosis and told to keep doing what we had been doing...it felt like everything kind of halted, hesitated. I don't know what I had been expecting, but hearing that there really wasn't that much more that we could do other than continuing as we have been for the last year...it was a little frustrating. Getting in there and fixing the problem is my general MO, not patiently waiting and leaving it up to God and to fate.

Which admittedly, is what I am logically supposed to do, but how much easier said is that than done?

Many things that have been happening have left me feeling impotent.

In the past, any concerns or even mild discrepancies in behavior, I have unthinkingly brought them to the Early Childhood Intervention specialists that I have gotten to know so well or have called the nurse or doctor to have them give their opinions over the matter. My philosophy has always been that it is better to ask than to stay silent and worry. Now, I suspiciously hoard every tidbit of information, apprehensive of sharing even the most innocuous of details regarding my children.

Why? What am I afraid will happen? That they may look at this information and find another white rabbit for me and Michael to chase? Or that we may be given even more to try, more to work on; another thing that puts us even further from our substandard but oh-so-monumental goal of "normalcy"?

I am more stingy with my children than ever before, too. Though I know the benefits she will have at Head Start, though I know that I have to send her to school eventually and that the time away will be good for me, that she will be just fine...though I can reasonably assert these things, I do not want Emerald to leave me. I want her here where I can see her and hold her and protect her. My paranoia over their safety has increased ten-fold, and I have to fight myself to leave them even for short bursts of time.

Tonight, I tried to join a social forum of mothers that have children with similar diagnoses as my Gabriel. (I balk at using the word "disability", which seems so vulgar and repugnant to me). I read their stories and listened to their difficulties, hoping to find camaraderie and reassurance, but I rebelled at linking my child with theirs. While their children are beautiful sons and daughters of God, my Gabriel is special, he is something unique...I refuse to allow a single frightening, inoffensive, intangible word define who he is; but that's what it is becoming.

Some days, I manage to forget. Our time melds from one day into the next and we feel like a perfectly average family, content in our lives and making it by. Then without fail, something always happens to bring me back to reality, to revert me into that scared, powerless little girl that doesn’t know where to go next.

Without provocation, at times Gabriel’s face will fall. His gorgeous brown eyes that always make me think of Hersey’s chocolate kisses will fill to the brim with tears, his strawberry lips will turn down at the corners, and he will cry the broken sobs that I will be completely helpless to comfort away. Is this normal child behavior? I will wonder. Before, I would have never had to question it, but now—is it just further proof that my child is different? Or is this a phase all children go through? The little nagging doubts begin—what kind of mother is unable to soothe her own baby?

At other times, Gabriel will laugh. He will start laughing, and the sound fills the room with joy and light and cheeriness…but with it comes a certain darkness I can’t escape. What is he laughing at? Why won’t he stop? His expressive eyes, usually so somber, look slightly crazed, hysterical, and I feel frightened. Is there something wrong with his brain? It is so unfair that a thing so happy and carefree could engender such worry within me.

I hear of other boys, younger than my own Gabe, that are doing new things—talking, laughing, staring lovingly into their parents’ eyes—and once again my defensive mind tries and reason it away. It is impractical to compare your child to theirs, it says. We know that Gabriel is different, and if we start playing that game now, we will never be able to stop. Judge him by him, and be happy with who he is and who he is going to become. But even those are unable to quiet those restless feelings inside me. I want so much to provide every chance in life for my children, and I can’t help but think I have all ready failed Gabe in some way. If I had worked harder, maybe he would have never regressed; if I was better, he would have caught up by now. It must be that I am doing something wrong because at least then I have control over fixing it, making it right.

I had hoped and prayed that I would be above this. I have pushed myself to be okay. Who Gabriel is—a delightful, wonderful, darling little boy that makes me happier than I have any right to be—is a joy to me, and I adore him fully. I wouldn’t trade him for any “typical” boy in the entire world. I have written pages and pages full of text, extolling his many virtues because I can see how great he really, truly is. That’s what I am afraid of sharing—I am afraid that I am going to show this beautiful child to the world, but all they will be able to see is an ugly little word that happens to be a fit, and things will change. That it may warp this perfect thing into something unrecognizable; that my amazing son will be defined by one descriptor and we won’t be able to rise above it. So, I have grown frightened and suspicious of the outside, and I want nothing more to hide us in here forever where nothing can tarnish what we have.

But one thing I know in my heart of hearts…Michael would never allow something like this to own our family, and he would be disappointed and unhappy if I allowed it to. So I will swallow my fears, I will be strong for my son and for my family, and I will defiantly tell the world exactly where they can shove it. But here, tonight, I needed to break a little.

--Andie--

Last Dr. Stripling Visit

2011-07-27T14:52:00.000-07:00

As of August, our pediatrician officially changes, so yesterday was the very last doctor's appointment we will have with Dr. Striping.

It's a little sad,but of course we are happy for him progressing in his career and everything...

So, yesterday Grannymom was coming over to watch the kids while Michael took me to my morning Dr. Hales appointment. It takes so much longer for me to look and feel like people lately, so I spent most of the morning getting myself and the kids ready to go.

Everything at Dr. Hales went quickly and efficiently. I lost another pound, but my blood pressure is back up to normal (114/71). What I have been told: as long as the baby is growing healthy, we aren't going to worry too much about my own weight loss. Some people are weird, and I happen to be one of them, apparently.

Michael and I got to see Benjamin again--his little face was hidden in the placenta again, which makes me sad. I know I will see him soon enough, but it didn't feel like the tech was trying that hard to let me see the little fella. She didn't even point out what we were looking at or anything, which I know it's because she is new at this and doesn't know, and I can recognize what I am looking at anyway, but it's part of the experience that I like--they tell you what you are looking at, that it looks healthy and what's changed this week with the baby, they ask you what you are naming the baby...It makes you feel like they care. This time, she was pretty quiet--willing to answer questions, but for the most part just taking the scans she needed in silence.

His head is down in my pelvis, his legs over on my left side. Up to 4 lbs, 15 oz. Which to me and Michael sounds gigantic, but that's only the 38th percentile (50th percentile is "average"; anything below is considered "small", anything bigger is considered "large", but all sizes are generally healthy). Both Emerald and Gabriel were around the 25th percentile until near the end of the pregnancy, when they abruptly dropped to the 6th-9th percentile. That is worrisome because babies aren't supposed to stop growing, but they were both healthy sizes when they were born.

Anyways, 5 lbs all ready sounds huge, especially since babies generally pack on about 1/2lb to 1lb a week until they are born, which could equal giant baby. The doctor said that it could be diabetes, but who knows--my Ben looks healthy healthy.

We left here and went home to feed the kids before Gabriel's doctors appointment. Ken had come over, and helped Emerald clean up her room; Grannymom had done the dishes. It was really awesomely sweet--I have been falling behind in my housework lately because I've been so fat and tired and we have had a million things going on....that is no excuse for me to be slacking around the house, but I really appreciated their help =)

Because 1.30 was the only time that we could get, we had to take the kids right at nap time. I hate doing that--I try to never schedule things for the two hours that the kids and I generally lay down because we need that rest time. But sometimes I can't help it.

This appointment with the doctor was as sort of a wrapping up/recounting of all the specialists' opinions, and final recommendations, plus addressing some final concerns that I have had.

Dr. Stripling never once said the word "Autism". Maybe he realized how on edge the word has been making us lately, maybe he didn't want to label whatever this is quite yet (which he doesn't, but I will mention that in a minute), but he just kept referring to it as "this".

He said that we should keep our appointment with Dr. Rogers, but shouldn't expect much from it other than what everyone has been telling us--stick with the therapies, keep working with him, keep an eye on it. He also had very positive, good things to say about Dr. Driskell which makes me happy--call me crazy, but his approval of another physician means a great deal.

The major concerns that brought us in (and his response) were:

1) Gabriel's horrible sleeping habits. He has technically never slept through the night. Contrary to common belief, he didn't start out co-sleeping with us either. When he was an infant, he slept in the bassinet; at some point, however, he started needing so much affirmation and water overnight that the only way Michael were going to get any sleep was to let him in bed with us. He has been that way ever since--waking every couple of hours to touch our faces, stroke our hair, reassure himself that we are there and everything is okay.

Of course, we all recognize that healthy sleep habits are the foundation to him learning and developing in the best manner possible, so our primary goal as of now is to get him moved into his own bed, in his own room. We are discussing different ways to go about this--he needs a big boy bed, so we need to get one. One of our thoughts is that he would like to be enclosed but not swaddled, so bed with a tent cover or something similar may make him feel more secure.

Dr. Stripling had more suggestions, one of which was putting Gabriel on melotonin at night which might help him drift off easier and stay asleep longer. We got some at the pharmacy last night and are giving it a try, but we are trying to not rely on it.

2) Gabriel has consistently loose stool. Yeah, totally gross. But according to the doctor, this is a common issue with toddlers--we need to up Gabriel's fat intake, which will help him have more healthy normal BM's. That was unexpected advice from the doctor, but after I thought about it, it makes a lot of sense. Emerald eats a lot like her father: they prefer cheese, fast food, chicken nuggets, French fries....all manner of crap, basically. Gabriel on the other hand is more like me: junk food repulses me, and I prefer whole grains, fruits and vegetables, and purchase everything low-fat, low-calorie, low-sodium if it is pre-prepared. It sounds unfair to Michael and Emerald, but if Mike wants something else, he can do the shopping and preparing meals, lol.

3) The last two kind of go hand-in-hand, so I am going to mention them here.

The staring episodes:

They were a big issue way back when, but when the EEG and MRI both came back clean, Michael and I decided to not pursue further testing. We both were fairly unconcerned with these because we both felt he was just getting a particular thought in his head and was thinking about it so hard that he was oblivious to what was going on around him. We weren't noticing them as often and there has been less physical difficulties surrounding them, so we shelved that worry.

Then something happened that made me start worrying about them again...

Most people scarcely see them any more, but since I am with him more than anyone else, I see them more often. The other day, he got into one of his little "episodes". It started stretching longer than I was comfortable, so I tried to get his attention--calling his name, snapping in his face, patting his back, rubbing his arms...he didn't even blink. That is normal; par for this course. But I had put on a Veggie Tales which queued up while I was trying to get his attention. The theme music started playing, the animation was flashing...and he didn't even flinch.

Why would this worry me more than all the other signs of unresponsiveness? Gabriel loves Veggie Tales. It is something that has gotten through to him when nothing else works. When we worried about his ability to hear, he would run from the other end of the house when he heard that music started playing, and he would stare transfixed from the first song all the way through the ending credits. It was a loud, unmistakable event happening a few feet from him....and it still could not pull him out of his head.

That scared me a great deal, so we have decided--which Dr. Stripling supports--to get several example videos of these spells and send them in to the neurologist and see what Dr. Brown thinks we should do next.

The second half of this concern was that Gabriel drinks much, much more water than the average child. He has done this since infancy, and we all ready had him tested for diabetes because of it, but Dr. Stripling says it could just be a compulsion related to the autism thing, which can have the negative effect of causing a sodium deficiency. Sodium deficiency can be associated with absence seizures, what we are concerned the "staring spells" are.

On that front, we are doing some blood work to check for a sodium problem, as well as substituting some of his constant water with Gatorade, which will replenish some of the nutrients he needs.

All in all, he said we need to keep going with what we are doing. He said that with kids as high functioning as Gabriel, in several years he could catch up in his development and we will wonder what made us ever think he could be autistic. But if that's not the case, then treating it as such until we are absolutely certain without a shadow of a doubt that he is (which is somewhat impossible, to be honest), we can use this diagnosis to give him the help he needs.

All of that is to say...we spent a great deal of time yesterday not learning that much. But I think we needed it; it was a verification that all the information we had gathered thus far was valid and complete, nothing left out, and we are learning more about what we can do for Gabriel.

I have the absolute worst pain in my wrists from typing so long, so I am going to go, lol. More updates later!!

--Andie--

Cute Emerald Quotes (July 17th-25th)

2011-07-25T09:16:00.000-07:00

It's been a week, and I have been neglecting the blog horribly again, but I haven't had much to say. We had Grannymom's birthday dinner a few nights ago; Emerald didn't have any accidents the whole time we were there, which was awesome. We have two doctors appointments tomorrow--one with Dr. Hales for me to figure out exactly when we are having this kid, plus to set up the Non-Stress Tests for the rest of the pregnancy; the other is with Dr. Stripling to go over all the results from the specialists and everything and kind of figure out what we need to do next, where we need to go from here. I am hoping I can get Emerald in too, because I have concerns that she has an infection.

So anyways, not a whole whole lot going on. I will write more about the dinner and the appointments and everything later on, but for now, it is that time of the week again--cute Emerald quotes!!

Aunt Ammer loves me; she made me a plate. See da hearts?
-singing- "Gotta wrap it up, tie up, tangle up for Jesus..." -talking now- Gabriel, lay still--you a present for Jesus!" (Upon further investigation, she was attempting to swaddle/gift-wrap Gabe who had the misfortune to be laying on the ground when she found him)
Emerald was singing to her tummy again, talking to the 'baby', when she becomes pensive. After some thought, she announces, "Mama, I don't think we having a baby. We just fat." (She's sick of waiting for her new brother to get here!)
As far as Michael and I can understand here, the fruits of the spirit according to Emerald are: Lub, Joyce, Peas, Patience, Time for baby Benjamin, Gentlemen, and one for Trolls!
I was wearing a big baggy black t-shirt one day because it is more comfortable than my regular clothes. When Emerald saw me, she says "Oh, good morning, Daddy. You sleep good?" (I guess I looked more like Michael than I did myself and she couldn't tell the difference!)
Out of nowhere, quite indignantly, and for reasons completely unknown: "Mama, thank you not pooping in my panties; I can do it by myself!"
She must love names as much as I do--she has been renaming things all week. So far, Grandpop has been redubbed "Max" and "Peach" this week.
"My daddy is a movie star! He eats and drinks and he plays Cap'n America!" (What does Mommy do?) "I don't know, what does Mommy do? -contemplates- I know, Mommy makes pizza!"

Not everything she has done this week has been cute--I smelled something unpleasant in the back half of our house and went on a cleaning frenzy trying to eradicate the stench. Turns out that all those confusing times where Emerald has pooped but we don't see any feces anywhere, she has been pooping in the trashcan beside the potty. =P

That's the mini-update for this week!

=) --Andie!--